How to Be Single Again

Co-authored by Amy Chan

Last Updated: May 6, 2021 References

After being in a serious relationship for such a long time, it can feel near to impossible to remember who you were before it all started, and it can be even harder to become that person again once you've remembered. The following tips can push you quickly and effectively out of post-breakup depression and can help revive that lost sense of singleness, which is really what this is all about.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Moving on After Serious Relationships

1
Stop blaming yourself for how things ended. It does not matter who ended things, or who said what. If you broke up, it meant that one or both of you weren't right for each other, and though it is hard to acknowledge, this makes the break up a good thing in the long run. But that is for down the road -- for now, the only thing to remember is that this isn't your fault. Relationships are a two-way street -- and it is no one's fault when they don't work out. So stop beating yourself up. It's not worth the emotional energy.^{[1]
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2
Give yourself some time to be sad. Everyone is going to be telling you "it's going to be fine," "you were too good for him anyway," and other platitudes to try and cheer you up. But the truth is that you're going to be sad, and fighting it off or ignoring that sadness will only make it last longer. The trick isn't to avoid sadness but put a deadline on it. Let yourself be sad for a week or so -- eat the ice cream, watch the sad movies, and have a good cry. But once your week is over, it is time to pick up the pieces and move forward.^{[2]
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- There is no right amount of time to be sad. However, you should not let your sadness destroy your everyday life and other relationships.
- While colloquial, there is some evidence that most people feel "normal" again after roughly three weeks.
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3
Understand that being single will feel weird, foreign, and uncomfortable at first. But you must also know being single is not the weird part -- you're just adjusting to something new. Being in a relationship impacts almost every part of your life, so losing that constant force may make everything feel different and strange. But this is just your brain and body shifting into single gear -- it has nothing to do with your decision, or a permanent change in your personality.^{[3]
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4
Remove pictures, items, and memories of your ex from regular view. Constant reminders of your old relationship will make it much harder to feel single. You don't have to throw anything away if you don't want, but put it all in a box in the basement for the time being. Even if you don't think you need to get rid of stuff, or feel bad doing it, you should do a light purge.
- Invite a sympathetic friend to help out if this is emotionally difficult. It will take half the time, and you'll have a support system to boot.
5
Mix things up with a vacation, furniture shuffle, or a new outfit. Don't go out and change your whole life now that you're single, of course. But a few cosmetic changes, ones you might not have made with a partner, make the rest of the changes in your life much easier to swallow. Even a weekend trip or hike can be enough to shake off some of the sadness and see things in a different light.
- Changing your surroundings, even temporarily, is a good way to put your "normal life" in perspective, helping cope with your difficult or painful emotions.^{[4]
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6
Rekindle and strengthen your friendships and support network. If you have good friends, they've most likely been passively but patiently there for you throughout your whole relationship. Use this time to go out and make up for all those lost times and declined invitations. Now, you have the chance to bond with your old friends and the freedom to make new ones. Friendships are very positive, and the stronger they are, the more they'll help you get through this tricky period.^{[5]
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7
Recognize and be proud of yourself, knowing that you aren't defined by who you're dating. Being single is a blessing, and it is a vital part of growing up and learning more about yourself. The states of singleness found between intervals of relationships can be the most rewarding times in your life. These are the times when you grow stronger and redefine your priorities and interests as an individual. Good luck, and cheers to the new you!^{[6]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Finding Fun in Single Life

1
Try something new. The time and energy you used to dedicate towards your ex and your relationship can now be transferred and directed towards priority number one: you! Relationships, even good ones, often end up "merging" people a bit -- you pick up the same hobbies, patterns, and friends. But being single again is a chance to think once more about you, who you want to be, and what you want to do.
- Ask yourself -- "what do I want?" Are there things you wanted to do with your ex, but couldn't? Hobbies you put on the shelf when the relationship kicked off? New things you've never had time to try? Now is the time to ask the question, because your answers no longer have to take the other person into consideration.
2
Invest in your future with a gym membership, online class, new career goal, etc. Your energy, money, and time are now all yours -- so put them to good use. A great way to get out of the rut is to plan your life outside of your romantic encounters. Focus on things that have nothing to do with dating or sex, and commit to making yourself a better person. You'll be more confident, happier, and better suited for the single lifestyle.
3
Say "Yes" to life. The best part about being single is waking up every morning not knowing exactly where the day will take you. Being in a relationship can be so predictable and has a tendency to feel like a love song on repeat. It gives you those butterflies in your stomach and all those other cheese ball effects, but after a while, it can start to feel dull or routine. But now is the chance to say "yes" to any odd opportunity you feel like. If you have a friend who plays in a band, tag along to one of their shows or plan a weekend getaway for just you and your pals. Do anything! Try everything! But most importantly, say yes to opportunities that present themselves to you. This is the best time to explore and be adventurous. It is valuable to discover new things about yourself and even learn about things you may be afraid of or unfamiliar with.^{[7]
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4
Get a little sexy. A big rut in most relationships is the "sweatpants phase," where neither of you really need to tend to impress the other with looks. It can be easy to carry this trend into single life, but the boost happiness and self-confidence that comes from your own sex appeal can't be ignored. Start dressing like you're single again and you'll feel single again in no time.^{[8]
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- Work out -- not just for the looks, but for the proven emotional and health benefits.^{[9]
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- Try to keep a smile on your face, even with strangers.
5
Return to dating slowly, whenever you're ready. Just because you're avoiding relationships does not mean flirting and dating are off the table. If you play your cards right, a good flirtatious interaction can boost your self-confidence and effortlessly remind you that being single is fun. It's too soon to get back on the serious-relationship horse, but it's perfectly fine to take a casual ride here and there. Dating different types of people helps to refine your overall likes and dislikes, and this could be key in determining what you are looking for in the next relationship when you are finally ready again.
- Again, there is no perfect amount of time to wait until if you want to start dating. And there is no line you can or can't cross. If all you want to do is flirt and chat -- go for it. If you want to go out to dinner with a Tinder flame or online match, you should do that too.
- The important thing is to keep your mind open. One date does not mean you're in another long-term relationship if you don't want it.^{[10]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do I make the most out of being single?

Amy Chan
Breakup & Healing Coach
Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach and the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. Her team of psychologists and coaches has helped hundreds of individuals in just five years of operation, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. She has published a book on her work, Breakup Bootcamp.

Amy Chan

Breakup & Healing Coach

Expert Answer

Being single is a time to reconnect with yourself. When you're in a relationship, sometimes you can lose your own identity. Your breakup is merely the ending of one chapter and the beginning of the next, so decide to make the next chapter colorful, vibrant, playful, and fun.
Question

I'm the one who came up with the idea of breaking up with my boyfriend, so I feel guilty that he will never forgive me. How do I make him understand that I needed to be single for once in my life?

Tom De Backer

Top Answerer

You only need to focus on yourself. If a relationship no longer works for you, then you have the right to end it. If your partner has questions and would like to talk, you can try and help him, but you shouldn't offer help before he asks it. If he doesn't forgive you, that lies with him, not with you. If being single is what you need, then being single is what you should do. It's sad, it hurts, and it hurts others, too, but you can't live your life making everyone else happy if you're not happy.
Question

How do I get the confidence to speak up for who I love even though I am not sure if the person still loves me?

Community Answer

Remember that what you have to say is important. Use your conviction to give you confidence.

Warnings

In general, it is best not to talk to or contact your ex for a few months, or at least until you feel sane and single again.

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