How to Identify Commitment Phobia

Last Updated: September 7, 2021 References

Commitment phobia is the fear of being in and committing to a long-term relationship. The main reason for the behaviors that are associated with this phobia is a fear of and uncomfortableness with strong emotions and vulnerability or closeness. These people generally have many different relationships for short periods of time. If you are dating them, they won’t introduce you to family or friends, make future plans, or even ask about the details of your life. Learn how to identify commitment phobia so you can be aware of the kind of person you are getting involved with.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Assessing Their Relationship Habits

1
Determine if they set up all the plans. You may notice that the other person always has to decide when you do something together and what you do. If they are a commitment phobe, this may be because they want to see you when they want to see you and don’t want to commit to taking time out of their schedule otherwise.
- If you make plans, they may cancel, be late, or not show at all.
2
Recognize changes as the relationship gets more serious. The more time you spend with someone, the more serious the relationship starts to become. If you are with a commitment phobe, when things start to get more serious, they may distance themselves or break it off completely.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Kim Chronister, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 28 July 2021.}
- Commitment phobes love the excitement of starting to date and then the passion at the beginning of a relationship. After that is over, they lose interest.
- Commitment phobes only show interest when things are exciting, romantic, or fun. If you try to come to them with problems, they are not interested or understanding.
- Some commitment phobes may even ghost the other person in their relationship.^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kim Chronister, PsyD
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 28 July 2021.}
3
Evaluate their past relationships. People who are commitment phobic tend to have many short relationships. Casually ask about their relationships. If they divert the topic away, or they have only had short casual flings, the person may be a commitment phobe.^{[4]
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- Some people have limited dating experience. This does not mean they are a commitment phobe. There are many factors that lead to someone not dating often.
- Some commitment phobes have been in long relationships. These usually end with no visible signs of commitment.
4
Decide if you know where your relationship stands. If you are involved with a commitment phobe, you may have no clue what your relationship actually is. You don’t know if you’re dating, if you’re a couple, or something more. You probably haven’t talked about your relationship or the future.^{[5]
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- If you bring up what your relationship is, they change the subject, get defensive, or wonder why you want to label what you have.
5
Say certain words. Commitment phobic people have trouble labeling the relationship or their feelings. They may feel uncomfortable with those words because they are too confining or they point to a commitment. If you say the words, they may be uncomfortable or try to explain away why they won’t say the same thing.^{[6]
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- For example, these people won’t use terms like girlfriend or boyfriend. They also won’t say that they love you.
- Try calling the other person your "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" or say, "I love you." See how they react. However, only do this if you really feel this way about the person. Don’t say “I love you” or put a label on your relationship as a test.
6
Decide if your relationship is mostly sexual. People who are commitment phobic may respond in a more sexual way than an emotional way. They are interested in passion and equate intimacy with sex, but not the connection and emotions that can accompany sex. Think about if they only want to be around if you’re going to be sexual.
- If you want to go out, do something with friends, or mention you’re not interested in having sex on this date, they may not be interested.

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Attempting to Make a Commitment

1
Ask to meet their family or friends. People who are not serious about a committed relationship usually don’t let you meet their family and friends. They are not interested in mixing their dating life with their family or social life. The set up boundaries where they don’t have to explain their actions to you.
- If the person won’t introduce you to their family or friends, even after you’ve been dating for awhile or you bring it up, they may be a commitment phobe.
- Suggest to the person, "I thought it'd be fun to go to dinner with your family" or "Let's invite your friends over for dinner and drinks tonight."
2
Suggest going to their place. A commitment phobe may always want to go to your place. Try suggesting that you go to their place. If they hesitate or don’t want you to come to their place, try to see if there is a good reason. If they don’t have one, they may be a commitment phobe and not want you in their personal space.
- If you do get to go to their, check out what it looks like. Sometimes, commitment phobes have sparsely decorated homes because they spend very little time at home.
- Try saying, "My place is too far. Why don't we go to yours?" or "My roommate has a bunch of people over. Your place would be much more quiet."
3
Try to connect on social media. Some commitment phobic people won’t friend or follow you on social media. They don’t want you invading their space and having a way to contact them if they don’t want you to. Letting you on their social media may be too much of a commitment. Ask to friend them on Facebook or follow them on Instagram and see their reaction.
- Some people may allow you to connect with them because they want more followers and the extra attention.
- Ask, "Let's follow each other on Instagram. I'd like to see your photos" or "I friended you on Facebook."
4
Confront the person about their level of commitment. Depending on how long you have been together, you may want to talk to the person about their level of commitment. Ask them if they are interested in taking your relationship to the next level or if they are serious about you. Pay attention to how they react.
- If you have brought up an uncomfortable situation, the commitment phobic person may be honest and say they're not interested in continuing this relationship or finally admit that they are not going to go through with any larger commitments, like a wedding.
- Some commitment phobes may lie, or they may lie and then stop calling you afterwards. Make sure to always listen closely to what exactly they say and pay attention to their body language.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Evaluating the Way You Are Treated

1
Pay attention to the person’s response to closeness. Commitment phobes may seem to respond well to affection when you are together, such as by responding well to compliments and holding your hand. They may even allow themselves to be vulnerable with you, such as by sharing personal things like hopes, fears, and dreams. However, these behaviors are forms of emotional closeness, which can be frightening to someone who has a commitment phobia.
- After having a nice date with someone who is afraid of commitment, you might not hear from them for a while. This could be because the person is upset by how close they allowed themselves to get during the time they spent with you.
- However, keep in mind that all people crave emotional connection. The reason that the person may have been vulnerable or affectionate with you might have been out of this need. It just might have been too frightening for the person and they may have felt the need to avoid talking to you for a while after.
2
Figure out if they turn things around on you. Think about conversations you’ve had with the other person where you’ve brought up their behavior or something that upset you. If they turned things around on you and made it your fault, then they are displaying commitment phobic behavior.
- For example, they may say you are oversensitive if you get upset they won’t let you meet their friends. You may be a drama magnet if you are upset they didn’t show up for your day. You are clingy if you want to spend more time with them.
- Watch out for sentences like, "You are so oversensitive" or "You're being ridiculous. You're making something out of nothing" or "You're too clingy. Why are you messing everything up?"
3
Listen for talk of your faults. Commitment phobes have a tendency to start analyzing the person they’re with after they start dating them. This leads to an obsession with negative traits, where they find all the problems with the person and ignore all the positive qualities. They want an ideal partner, which doesn’t exist.^{[7]
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- Listen for the person to start pointing out your “negative traits” or things they think are wrong with you.
- For a commitment phobe, this helps them become unhappy with the relationship and helps to rationalize a break up.
4
Decide if they ask about you. Commitment phobes are afraid of learning about the serious aspects of your life. That is because it requires a level of commitment between the two of you, which might be too much for them to handle. Pay attention to the conversations you have together. See if they only talk about themselves or superficial topics without a mention of you.
- They may ask a general “how are you” type question when you first see each other, but there will be no questions about your life, your wellbeing, or interests.
- Plus, commitment phobes don't usually initiate contact.^{[8]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kim Chronister, PsyD
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 28 July 2021.}
5
Figure out if they’re around during important events. Commitment phobes are not interested in spending time with your during important events. This is too much of a commitment for them. Because of this impulse, they won’t call or visit during holidays or your birthday.
- If you have a party, they more than likely won’t show up. If you invite them to a work or social engagement, they will give you an excuse for why they can’t come.
- If you've got something important coming up, trying saying, "I have a party next week. I'd love if you'd be my date" or "I have to go to a family dinner. I would appreciate you going with me to help me get through the evening."

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Looking for Noncommittal Signs

1
Make plans for a future date. Commitment phobes often make plans at the last minute or within a few days. They don’t like to commit to anything in the future. Try making plans with the person for something in the future. If the person seems uncomfortable with the idea, they may be a commitment phobe.^{[9]
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- You don’t have to suggest anything large. It can be a day trip in a few weeks or a mini getaway. You may even want to suggest seeing a movie that premieres a few weeks away. Try saying, "Hey, there's a concert next month. I know how much you love that band. I thought we could go see them together" or "I can't wait for this movie to come out in two weeks. Let's make a date to see it."
2
Listen to the language used. Commitment phobes may talk in a very specific way. They will weave these interesting stories, and sometimes even excuses about why they can’t do anything. They are usually elaborate and entertaining. Commitment phobic people also use a lot of indefinite language which may sound like they’re committing, but when you really listen, you notice there’s an out for them.^{[10]
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- The person may never give you a straight-forward excuse. Instead, they may tell you some detailed story that explains away why they cancelled or why you can’t meet their friends.
- Words that show their lack of commitment include probably, maybe, perhaps, i might, or things like that.
3
Evaluate their job. Commitment phobes often have jobs that take them away from home. These jobs usually require travel for large chunks of time. The hours are odd or do not adhere to a general 40 hour work week. Look at the kind of job the other person has. If they are away for business a lot, this may point to commitment phobia.
- Some people use a job where they travel to be unfaithful.
- Not every person who has a job of this type has commitment phobia, but it is worth checking for other symptoms.
4
Check for lack of commitment in their life. You may be able to see the signs of commitment phobia in the person’s life, not just in their interactions with you. Commitment phobes may have had multiple different careers or have very few close friends. They also may not have made major investments despite being able to.^{[11]
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- For example, the person may have gone from a teacher to a business owner to a personal trainer.
- The person may never have owned a pet or a house. They may not even own a car.
5
Watch for a wandering eye. Commitment phobic people may be on a date with you and showering you with compliments, but they may be looking at other people. It’s normal to look at others or notice when someone is attractive, but it should not happen all the time when you are together.^{[12]
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- This person is watching other people because they are not committed to you. If they find an interesting conquest, they will move on from you.