Quagmire's Mom

When Meg needs a check for a field trip, Peter finds that his checks are fake so he insists on opening his own checking account. At Quahog Savings and Loans, Peter and Lois find that his birth certificate gives his real first name as "Justin" with his full name being "Justin Peter Griffin". Although Lois says it makes no difference, Peter immediately decides to change his persona to what he believes a "Justin" should be: young and wild. "Justin" decides to throw a party, where Quagmire meets a girl named Keira. Lois returns and orders everyone to leave, then plans to take "Justin" to City Hall to change his name back to Peter.

The next day, Quagmire learns that Keira is not 23 years old as he heard from the others at the party, and she is under the age of legal consent in Rhode Island as well as the United States. Joe arrives at Quagmire's house with some police officers stating that he has received an anonymous tip that Quagmire was having sex with an underage girl. Quagmire confesses due to his pride in having had sex with her and he is arrested by the police for statutory rape. He is put on trial and his only chance for leniency is for character witnesses, since he is legally guilty once the proof of Keira's age is revealed.

At the courthouse, Peter, Joe, and Cleveland try to claim Quagmire's innocence, but they each fail to do so because Peter does not give sufficient evidence due to his disgust, Joe being forced to describe what horrific, violent, and extremely degrading things Quagmire did to the girl, and Cleveland refusing to defend him because the judge asks to state his occupation as a form of racial profiling. This causes Quagmire to take the stand himself and lie about his childhood, in particular his promiscuous mother, who was long thought to be deceased. Despite this, the judge finds Quagmire guilty due to the video evidence Quagmire posted online and sentences him to 20 years in prison and revokes his citizenship, declaring him a dangerous offender. Just then, his mother Crystal arrives in the courtroom in an attempt to deny the victim justice; Crystal admits her past then claims to be a born-again Christian and asks for leniency. The judge rejects her request and gives Quagmire 24 hours to get his affairs in order.

At home, Crystal tries to get Quagmire to accept Christ as his savior, but he refuses and rejects her advice. Quagmire tells Crystal he will not listen to her and leaves the house to avoid her. Outside the maximum-security federal prison, Quagmire starts to say his goodbyes to his neighbors. Just then, the judge arrives with Crystal to tell Quagmire that his sentence has been commuted after "new DNA evidence was produced." He is surprised that despite her religious views Crystal would have sex outside of marriage with the judge, but she responds that it was the most Christian thing to do to protect her son. She admits that she was a horrible mother and that she wants a second chance with him and he happily accepts. Peter happily observes that Quagmire got away with the crime and learned nothing.

• Peter's car insurance commercial is a reference to the commercials for the General Auto Insurance Company. The same animation used for the commercials is used.
• When Peter first tries to defend Quagmire, he mentions the 2012 film Argo and its director, Ben Affleck.
• Peter's defense of Quagmire involving letters for Santa Claus is a reference to the 1947 film Miracle on 34th Street.
• In one cutaway, Peter plays the beginning of Baba O’Riley by The Who.
• Peter's idea that Quagmire should move to Europe to make movies after becoming a sex offender is a reference to director Roman Polanski, who moved to Europe after being arrested for statutory rape of 47 children, he is currently wanted by interpol for this.

The episode received an audience of 2.81 million, making it the most watched show on Fox that night.[2]

• "Quagmire's Mom" at IMDb