Phoenix Nights

The club has a number of workers:

• Brian Potter: Owner of the club, who goes to any extremes to keep it open.
• Jerry St.Clair: Compere, Cabaret singer and fall guy of the show. He later becomes licensee of the club.
• The Captain: The club's doorman. He dies in series 1, episode 2.
• Ray Von: A former fairground worker and electrician, who is the club's DJ and sound engineer.
• Max and Paddy: The club's two bouncers.
• Les and Alan: The two backing players, with drums and keyboard, known as "Les Alanos".
• Kenny Senior: A Jack of all trades at the club and compulsive liar. Claims to have stayed in a tent next to Robert De Niro in Pwllheli and beaten him at Swingball.
• Young Kenny: A young, dim-witted handyman.
• Mary (Holy Mary): Bar worker and strict Catholic.
• Spencer: Ignorant but hard-working barman.
• Ant and Dec: Two illegal Chinese immigrants whom the club accidentally brought into the country. Employed by Brian Potter as chefs.
• Marion: Bar worker, cleaner and chef. She is good friends with Mary and also works as Brian's PA.

The club follows the layout of a typical working men's club, with a large cabaret room along with a lounge area (called 'The Pennine Suite' in the opening series). In an attempt to diversify and attract more customers, the lounge is later converted into a successful Chinese restaurant named "The Golden Phoenix". There is also a games room in the club, which was named the "Jocky Wilson Suite" in the first series, and the "Tony Knowles Suite" in the second. In the first series, the room was shown as a home to the games supplied by "Dodgy Eric", such as the wonky snooker table, the bucking bronco and the child's aeroplane ride. In the second series, the games room is used more as lounge and general social area with dining tables, although there is a dartboard and a new snooker table. The solarium is also adjacent, through a door from this room. The Pennine Suite served as a general large lounge and social area in the first series, but was seldom seen in the second series; it contains a small stage used for Wednesday "free and easy" nights. Eventually it was replaced by a Chinese restaurant. The other room in the club is a larger cabaret style room, which plays host to larger features such as Talent Trek and Stars in their Eyes.

Episode 1

It is the opening day of Brian Potter's new club, the Phoenix (two of his previous clubs having burned down while another flooded). With "TV's own Roy Walker" opening the club, Brian wants everything to be perfect. But he has to contend with a power cut that leaves the club in the dark, the theft of the bingo machine, a German-speaking "Das Boot" arcade machine, Max the doorman injuring himself and a racist folk band called "Half A Shilling" (with the lead singer played by Tim Healy). The band are ostensibly singing about Holy Communion Shoes, although journalist Deborah Quinn detects the racist metaphor in the song entitled "Send The Buggers Back". These factors soon ruin everything. The auditioning act at the end of the episode is a pair of spacemen, one on a spinning disc, miming to a David Bowie song.

Episode 2

The club's doorman, the Captain, dies, possibly as a result of inhaling smoke from new DJ Ray Von's home-made smoke machine. There is further misfortune when two men in overalls walk in off the street and steal the television set, with the staff doing nothing about it, except for Kenny Senior who kindly hands them the remote control. A warped snooker table is replaced by a bucking bronco, which leads to a Wild West Night being held. It's a huge success, until Jerry's blatantly biased shoot-out between teams from Lancashire and Yorkshire gets violent and a drunken horse tries to have sex with the bucking bronco. The auditioning act at the end of the episode is an escape artist, trapped in a bag.

Episode 3

Jerry St. Clair has booked psychic medium Clinton Baptiste (Alex Lowe) for the club, following a recommendation by Den Perry. Jerry seems oblivious to the fact that Den Perry wants the Phoenix Club to fail. Brian and Jerry then have to attend a fire safety seminar at the Banana Grove Club presented by Keith Lard (from That Peter Kay Thing), who was arrested for "interfering" with dogs, but was acquitted due to lack of evidence. After the meeting, Lard tells Brian he will be inspecting the club immediately to ensure it meets safety standards. Jerry and Brian rush back to the club before Keith inspects it, but a run-in with the police delays them and Keith shuts the club down for being unsafe. Never a quitter, Brian blackmails Lard with a faked photo of Lard's head on the body of a semi-nude man (with a dog) so that he re-opens the club. However, the event they re-open for, the psychic night, forces Brian to refund all his guests after Clinton Baptiste tells a bit more about the future than the guests would like. The auditioning act at the end of the episode is a bad juggler, breaking his props.

Episode 4

It's 'Singles Night' at the Phoenix club and house band Les Alanos and bouncers Max and Paddy are all looking. Brian is the most successful, though, when he accidentally runs over a woman's foot before buying her a drink and talking the night away. Throughout the episode, their relationship progresses, until Beverley (played by Jo Enright) reveals to Brian that she works for the DSS and was sent to investigate him for fraudulent disability claims. Despite Beverley's assertions that her feelings for him are genuine, Brian ends the relationship. Elsewhere, Paddy strikes up a relationship with Holy Mary's daughter Mary. The audition at the end of the episode is a man jumping around to Nellie the Elephant wearing little more than a mackintosh and an elephant soft toy's trunk over his genitals.

Episode 5

Jerry is in hospital. Before Brian argues with Jerry's decision to host an alternative comedy night, the comedy night turns out to be a disaster, with none of the entrants being any good. As one of the acts, Steve Davies plays a placid metalwork teacher introduced as 'Darius' by Jerry. Darius comes on wearing only a pair of C&A underpants with 'Darius' written in ink on his body. He proceeds to have a psychotic episode, with unintelligible language delivered menacingly towards the audience and the house band onstage whilst striking the drummer's cymbal with his hand. He is crying out to the universe to complete his breakdown. At the end of it all, Jerry has a heated confrontation with a student who had been heckling him, until the student threatens to hit Jerry and all the staff stick up for him. Elsewhere, Ray Von hosts a Robot Wars tournament, which is won by Max and Paddy, who are using a robot built by Ray, who has a penchant for electronics. At the end of the episode, a man called Dougie Hayes offers Jerry a job on a cruise ship. The auditioning act at the end of the episode are a pair of elderly Spanish dancers.

Episode 6

Jerry gets an all-clear from hospital. However, Brian tells him to keep pretending to be ill because the club got the rights to host Talent Trek because he told the organisers that Jerry is dying. Tensions boil when Brian has to hire a Right Said Fred tribute band called 'Right Said Frank' for the grand finale due to Les Alanos performing a Karate Kid musical with the local youth club on the same night. Right Said Frank end up stealing stereos from all the cars parked outside. Ray Von tries to stop them but he is overpowered. Luckily, they slam into Max's car, setting off his personal alarm. Max and Paddy rush outside and tackle the two men to the ground. Brian then 'reveals' to the audience that Jerry has got an all-clear for his illness. Despite everything, Jerry can't bring himself to leave the club and turns down the cruise ship job offer. The series concludes with Den Perry, outraged at the success of the Phoenix Club, setting it on fire.

Episode 1

Brian and the staff watch the club burn to the ground, with Jerry managing to rescue Brian's little disabled boy-shaped charity box. After the flames are put out, a fireman reveals the fire was caused by a discarded cigarette or cigar, leading Brian to believe Den Perry was responsible. Brian then has to appear in court due to his breach of fire and safety regulations and as a result his alcohol licence is revoked and he is blacklisted by the breweries. Despite all this, Brian dreams of rebuilding the Phoenix Club. On his trip to Asda he finds Jerry and Alan singing to promote products. Brian begs Jerry to help him to rebuild the Phoenix but Jerry rebuffs him and tells him to forget about the Phoenix. Still undeterred, Brian travels to Blackpool to visit an old friend, Frank Cartwright (played by Jim Bowen), owner of the Hotel "Le Ponderosa". Cartwright advises him to sell bottles and cans to get around the ban, get a licensee whom he can manipulate and have multiple facilities under one roof. Brian then phones around to find all the staff. He finds Les working as a butcher, Kenny Senior as a lollipop man (constantly lying to the kids crossing the road), Ray Von at a fairground, and Holy Mary in church. In what was to become an iconic moment for the series he calls Max and Paddy as they are driving elderly Asian gentlemen to a mosque and singing at the tops of their voices to "I Could Be so Good For You". Brian succeeds in bringing all of them together to discuss his plans, and convinces Jerry to become the new licensee. The auditioning act at the end of the episode is a magician whose pigeon gets caught in a rotating fan.

Episode 2

Reconstruction is going quite well, and a fun day is organised to raise awareness of the rebuilding. However, an inflatable that resembles an erect penis is rejected by Brian, so it is fastened to the ground and covered up to look like a snake. Unfortunately, the inflatable escapes from its cover and explodes, shocking everyone who is spending their money. Furthermore, a botched face-painting job leaves Young Kenny with a permanent tiger face. Elsewhere, Max and Paddy go to France to stock up on booze, unwittingly picking up two Chinese immigrants in the process. The auditioning act at the end of the episode is a young woman who fires ping pong balls from her vagina.

Episode 3

Brian decides to get the club on Crimetime for publicity and a chance to accuse Den Perry. Changes are made throughout the club to make it look good for the TV crew, but the TV appearance is a disaster when Brian loses it after he believes that he is being accused of burning the club down himself. Elsewhere, Spencer is hired for the vacant bar job. The auditioning act at the end of the episode is a one-legged Elvis impersonator.

Episode 4

Brian comes across two Japanese people promoting their new lager, and offers them a chance to promote it in the club, an offer they accept. A pub quiz is arranged, with the winner taking home a year's supply of the lager. Both Brian and Den Perry enter teams to try and win it. Brian's team wins, but his victory is short-lived when it turns out the lager is non-alcoholic. In the other suite, Jerry's medication binge gets the better of him and he loses it on stage, which causes him to go into the next suite and urinate everywhere, shocking the customers. The auditioning act at the end of the episode is a man with a battery-powered singing teddy bear.

Episode 5

A power cut in Brian's home sees him stuck on his stair lift all night until Jerry breaks his door down the next morning. At the club, Jerry has turned part of the club into a Chinese restaurant called "The Golden Phoenix". A ladies night has been arranged, which causes Paddy to go on stage dressed in nothing but a fake moustache and leather thong, and carrying a trident. Outside, Max is accosted by a woman who wants her husband killed. Max tells her that he will kill her husband for £8,000. Lying to Paddy that she will pay them both £1,000, Max gets Paddy to agree to do the job with him. Max, Paddy and Max's brother Terry go to practise shooting using a Broomhandled Mauser which Max's grandad gave him. When Paddy starts to fire, he accidentally shoots Terry. Eventually, Max and Paddy can't kill the man and give him £3,000 to leave the country. Max gives Paddy £1,000, and spends £4,000 on a motor home. The auditioning act at the end of the episode is the same man as in S2E4, this time with a battery-powered singing gorilla.

Episode 6

Max and Paddy spot the man they were meant to kill in town, and are later confronted by his angry wife, who hints that she has put a hit out on them. She also reveals to Paddy that she paid Max £8,000, of which Paddy only received £1,000. In the club, Brian has arranged a Stars in Your Eyes night to impress a brewery representative who is coming over. Unfortunately, Den Perry has other ideas and cancels the acts by impersonating Jerry. However, in a memorable series of scenes, all of the staff from the club dress up to become acts, including Holy Mary as Lulu, Ray Von and Les Alanos as Adam and the Ants, Kenny Senior as Britney Spears, Young Kenny as Meat Loaf, Jerry as Eminem and George Michael, Brian as Elton John and Spencer as Gary Glitter. At the end of the episode, Den Perry threatens Brian and talks to him about burning the club down before and makes threats to do it again. However, he is unaware that Brian has switched on a radio microphone on his desk, meaning that the entire club has heard the conversation. Den Perry is arrested and the staff celebrate. Ray Von then reminds Brian that now the truth has come out, he can get his licence back. However, Brian decides to let Jerry remain as licensee and the staff hold a toast to Jerry. At the end of the episode, Max, terrified that there is a hit out on him, is about to flee all over the country in his motor home, when Paddy decides to come with him, setting the scene for the spin-off series Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere.