Chains (Blackadder)

In the throne room, Blackadder informs Queenie and Nursie of an unknown incident that saw Blackadder insulting the unidentified individual before he pulled up his tights and jumped out of the privy window. Melchett arrives in, telling Queenie that his former tutor's son has been kidnapped and begs for her to pay the hefty ransom. Queenie consults Lord Blackadder on the matter – he tells her to tell Melchett's tutor's son to get stuffed, stating that only an idiot would be so foolish as to be kidnapped. However, literally seconds later, after he's left the room, Blackadder meets two men, one of whom asks him something while another hits Blackadder over the head, knocking him unconscious, the same process also happening to Melchett who has convinced Queenie to pay the ransom. The two then awaken in a damp cell accompanied by a deranged Spanish torturer. Blackadder does not speak Spanish, so after Melchett has translated that he is to be tortured, he and the torturer engage in a lengthy game of charades to determine the exact insults, threats, and mode of torture (for instance, the Spanish torturer is forced to go through several roles in order to call Blackadder a "bastard son of a bitch", and Blackadder is unable to explain via body language the meaning of "fornicating baboon" due to being locked up in a box covered in spikes). Prince Ludwig the Indestructible, a German pretender to the throne who mispronounces English words, intervenes just as the torturer is about to get started on Edmund, stopping the other man with his whip as Ludwig apologizes or to accept his "apple-ogies"; when Edmund does not recognise him, Ludwig reveals that he was once disguised as Big Sally, a waitress at The Old Pizzle in Dover, a pub Edmund frequented while meeting a black marketeer named Otto. Edmund is horrified: he had an affair with Big Sally, unaware that it was a disguised Ludwig who tells Blackadder that for his country, he's willing to make any sacrifice, Ludwig adding in a falsetto if Edmund would like to have another piece of pie while Blackadder responds in a tone of disbelief, "Not me. I must have been paralytic". Ludwig and Edmund also trade insults, Edmund losing his patience and ranting about Ludwig's voices, Ludwig snapping, telling Edmund to be quiet. After that, Ludwig reveals he's sent Queenie a message and that she has a week to pay up with Edmund confidently believing Queenie will do so and that Ludwig will die "howwibly, howwibly".

At Ludwig's request, Lord Melchett is dragged in by Ludwig's two guards, screaming. Melchett does not recognise Ludwig, until Ludwig tells him that he once impersonated Flossie, a sheep at a monastery in Cornwall. Melchett is also aghast, having unknowingly had a sexual encounter with the madman with an amused Ludwig adding in a "Baaa". After informing them that he has work to do as evil plots don't just make themselves, Ludwig departs the dungeon with his two guards, laughing evilly as Blackadder and Melchett remain in the dungeon. Percy then reads a message back to Queenie, informing her she only has a week to decide as to who will be freed: Melchett or Blackadder. At Queenie's suggestion, with Baldrick's help, Percy plays a quick singing game to help influence Queenie's decision.

A week later, Ludwig returns with the message from Queenie who's seen writing in her chamber, revealing that she has decided to spend the requested ransom money on "a big party" instead, sending the message to Ludwig who reads it out to Blackadder and Melchett, Blackadder being left shocked at her decision. Ludwig who's very unhappy at the decision agrees to imprison them for life instead of killing them in exchange for information on how to get into the palace during the costume party, Blackadder and Melchett also agreeing to betray Queenie. Sometime later, Ludwig returns to bid farewell to his prisoners but his temper emerges when Blackadder points out he was bullied at school, Ludwig even revealing he was given the embarrassing nickname of "Shorty Greasy Spot-Spot'" before vowing that once he's King of England, no-one will ever call him by that nickname again. When he leaves, Blackadder and Melchett, working together manage to eventually overpower the two guards who have come to deliver food and escape, returning to England, arriving just in time for the party. Queenie is dressed as her father Henry VIII, while Baldrick is a pencil case. Edmund promptly stabs "Nursie", who is revealed to be Prince Ludwig masquerading as Nursie dressed as a cow just as the real Nursie arrives. Ludwig reveals he and Queenie have met before, Queenie regarding Ludwig by his nickname which enrages him. Vowing to return and wreak his revenge or "rewengey", Ludwig flees, heading for the door, cackling manically. Not wanting history to repeat itself, Blackadder throws a dagger at him stating "you will die and be buried" which hits Ludwig off-screen, causing him to cry out in pain, presumably killing him or severely wounding him off-screen. The group cheer Blackadder's efforts as Blackadder remarks Ludwig was a strange man. When asked how he knew the cow was Ludwig, Blackadder informs the group Ludwig was a master of disguise so his costume would always look highly impressive while Nursie – a "sad, insane old woman with an udder fixation" – would be wearing a more ridiculous looking costume filled with udders and that Blackadder knew he had to kill the one who looked like a cow. Everyone then asks if Blackadder missed them. He tells Percy he wished it was him who was being tortured instead with Percy sobbing and embracing Edmund. To Baldrick he says he was not missed at all, and as for the Queen, he states that life without her is like "a broken pencil"; she asks him to explain, and he replies "pointless".

But after the credits have rolled, ending abruptly, as a bell rings in the background, it's shown that Blackadder and Percy Percy are lying up against each other, the two men dead, their eyes open and staring nothing as a trail of blood stems from the right side of Percy's mouth, Nursie and Queenie are on the floor as well, also dead, blood on Queenie's lips and neck with blood visible on Nursie's neck while underneath Queenie's right arm is Baldrick whose own eyes are closed before it pans down to show Melchett who lies there, a small trail of blood visible on his nose, his own eyes open and his features displaying shock or surprise.

A few metres away from the bodies, showing that Blackadder and Percy are leaning against each other, Blackadder's head at a slightly unusual angle, implying Ludwig might have snapped his neck while Melchett lies there with Queenie and Baldrick on top of him while Nursie lies a few metres away from everyone else, Ludwig stands there, disguised as Queenie and holding a blood-soaked dagger in his right hand, implying he used it to kill them.

He then claims that impersonating Queenie is a role he will enjoy – if he can "just get the voice right."

• Rowan Atkinson as Lord Edmund Blackadder
• Hugh Laurie as Prince Ludwig the Indestructible
• Stephen Fry as Lord Melchett
• Tim McInnerny as Lord Percy Percy
• Tony Robinson as Baldrick
• Miranda Richardson as Queen Elizabeth I
• Patsy Byrne as Nursie
• Max Harvey as the Torturer
• Mark Arden as the 1st Guard
• Lee Cornes as the 2nd Guard

Wikiquote has quotations related to Chains.

• "Chains" at BBC Online
• "Chains" at IMDb