How to Avoid Becoming a Booty Call

Co-authored by Crista Beck

Last Updated: November 7, 2022

Sometimes, you may feel a partner is using you for sex. If you'd rather have a serious romantic relationship, there are ways to avoid being the booty call. Express your wants and make it clear you're looking for something more serious. Set boundaries regarding sex and personal contact. Figure out whether the relationship is worth pursuing further. If someone is uninterested in turning a booty call into a romance, you're better off seeing someone else.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Expressing Your Wants

1
Ask to spend time together without having sex. This should make it clear that you want to be more than the booty call. If you've been having sex with someone, but you rarely see each other outside of that, raise the subject of spending time together without sex. Ask the person if they want to go get lunch or dinner, see a movie, or do something else that involves interacting without getting physical.^{[1]
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2
Request that they spend the night. If someone views you as just a booty call, they may leave after sex. If you want to show them you're interested in more, ask them to spend the night at your place.^{[3]
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- If they ask to come over after work, say something like, "That would be fun. Do you want to stay over this time?"
- There's always a chance the person will decline. This may be a sign to you that it's time to move on.
- If someone is unwilling to spend a night with you, they may be more interested in an occasional booty call than a real relationship.
3
Let the person know what you want out of relationship. If someone does not know what you want, they may think you're okay with just being the booty call. After you've seen someone a few times, introduce the issue of what you personally want out of a relationship. If something casual is not your thing, let them know. If they call you up for what seems like a booty call, redirect this.
- For example, say you get a text late at night asking if you want to come over.
- Respond with something like, "I'd rather do something another time. Are you free for lunch or dinner this week?"
- This shows the person you're not interested in just being a booty call and would rather get to know them.
- If the person does not respond to the text, they may not be interested in a real relationship.
- While it can hurt to have someone disengage with you, you'll be free to find someone interested in a real relationship.
4
Express yourself when you feel hurt. If you find being the booty call hurtful, or feel that you're being used, say so. You're well within your right to express yourself if you're feelings are hurt, especially if you're being led on. If someone continually assures you you're more than just a booty call, but does not treat you accordingly, speak up.^{[4]
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- For example, imagine you've made it clear you don't want to be the booty call but they keep calling and texting late at night.
- Say, "I've made it really clear this isn't the kind of relationship I want and I feel like you keep violating my boundaries. I'm not okay with this."

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Setting Boundaries

1
Tell the person what behavior is not acceptable. If you don't want to be a booty call, make as much clear using your words. The second the person does something that makes you suspect you're the booty call, let them know you're not interested in that kind of relationship. In the moment, call the person out to make it clear that's not what you want.^{[5]
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- If someone texts you late at night, for example, they may just be hoping for sex.
- If you don't appreciate these kinds of texts, respond with something like, "Hey, please don't text me this late. If you want to hang out, we can go out on a date earlier in the day."
- If you'd rather get to know them better before having sex and they suggest going back to their place after a date, clarify your boundaries.
- Say something like, "I'd rather get to know you a little bit more before we get too physical."
2
Do not answer late night calls. If you want to avoid being the booty call, make your boundaries regarding contact clear. People are likely to text someone late at night with something like, "Want to come over?" if they're looking for a booty call. Either don't respond to these texts or answer with something like, "No thanks. Feeling tired." This makes it clear that you're not interested in that kind of relationship.
3
Communicate what works for you. If someone is violating your boundaries, or sending you unwanted communication, let them know what you'd prefer. After someone does something that crosses a line, tell them how to behave in the future.
- If you're just the booty call, the person may prefer to stay in and hang out rather than take you out on dates.
- If the person texts you something like, "Want to come over and hang out tonight?" respond by telling them what you'd prefer.
- For example, "That sounds fun, but I'd rather go out tonight. Want to see a movie?"

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Making Choices About the Relationship

1
Make plans with the person. If you want to transition the relationship into something more than a booty call, try making concrete plans. Ask the person out for non-sexual situations. Ask if they want to see a movie, get coffee early in the day, or go out to lunch and dinner. This should give you a chance to see if the relationship can be more than something casual and whether you and the other person are compatible romantically.^{[6]
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- For example, send a text saying something like, "Hey, are you free this Friday? I would love to get dinner with you around 5."
2
See if they're on the same page. Relationships come with expectations. You may expect certain things. For example, maybe you don't want to see other people. Maybe you expect a certain amount of daily communication.^{[7]
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Research source} Not everyone has the same expectations regarding relationships. It's important to see what the other person wants. After spending some one-on-one time with them, it's okay to ask what they want out of a relationship.
- For example, say something like, "We've been seeing each other quite a bit lately, so I thought I'd go ahead and ask. What are you looking for out of a relationship?"
- Remember that it's better to know. You don't want to waste your time on someone who's not on your wavelength.
3
Break things off if someone's stringing you along. Unfortunately, some people may string someone along with the promise of a relationship. They may assure you they want to get to know you better, but that never seems to happen. They may make dinner plans, but blow you off and text you late at night the following day. If you get the sense you're being used, it's best to walk away. You do not want to waste your time pursuing someone who's not interested in you the way you're interested in them.^{[8]
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- You can keep things simple when breaking things off. Say something like, "I think we want different things, so it's clear we should see other people."
4
Find someone whose wants match up with yours. If you don't want to be a booty call, find someone who wants more than just casual sex. It's important to find someone with the same expectations you have regarding a romantic relationship. As you pursue new romances, try to find someone who wants to get to know you and is eager to go out to dinner or see a movie before having sex.

Community Q&A

Question

is it OK to sleep with your ex while he has a girlfriend? Or is he using you?

Community Answer

It depends on how much the girlfriend knows. If they have an open relationship, it may be okay if you feel comfortable. However, if the girlfriend does not know, you may want to taper off contact.
Question

Why is my booty call after 3 years turning it into phone sex only?

Community Answer

The person may be losing interest in you. If this isn't the kind of relationship you want, say so. If the person is not willing to meet your needs, move on.