How to Date After a Divorce at 40

Co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW and Amber Crain

Last Updated: August 18, 2022 References

Years may have gone by since you last dated, so how do you jump back in? It’s important that you are fully ready to move on from your divorce before dating, both logistically and emotionally. Put yourself out there by being open to date invitations and don’t shy away from using technology to find potential partners. Once you're out on a date, show the person that you're interested by flirting and having fun. If the date goes well and you click with the person, ask them on a second date to further explore their potential.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Moving Past Your Divorce

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Heal from your marriage and divorce first. Don’t jump into dating if you’re not fully ready to move on from your previous marriage. You should feel ready to date again after having time to think, grieve, grow, and move on. If you are in the middle of an ugly divorce settlement, it may be best to wait until the logistics of your divorce are finalized.^{[1]
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- If you’re thinking about your ex and what they are up to, you’re probably not ready to date yet.^{[2]
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Follow your feelings, not a calendar. There’s no hard and fast rule for when you should be ready to date after a divorce. You might need 2 months or more than a year to feel comfortable and ready to find someone new. Don’t feel like you have to follow any “rules” around when it’s acceptable to date.^{[3]
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- For example, don’t feel like you have to wait a year after your divorce finalizes to start looking for dates. Use your best judgement about when you’re ready to date again.
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Surround yourself with supportive people to help you move on. Spend time with people who support your desire to move past your divorce and find love again. If your divorce created a divide in your friendships, get out and meet some new friends. Being around new people can help you stay focused on the future rather than fixating on the past.^{[4]
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- Get involved in activities that interest you as a way to do something fun and make new friends. Join a hiking club, meet with people with pets, or join a vegetarian group.
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Make sure your children are ready before you start dating again. If you have children, your divorce was probably difficult for them. The idea of you dating may have never even crossed their minds! It's important to make sure your children understand what you're doing and how it impacts them. Talk to them openly. If they seem extremely upset or resistant to the idea, you may want to slow down a bit.
- When you do start dating, don't introduce your children to every single date. This may be confusing for them. Only introduce them to people who you're considering a serious relationship with.^{[5]
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- Try to plan your dates for when your kids are staying overnight at a friend's house or visiting a family member.
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Up your confidence and energy by caring for your body. When you're trying to move on from a painful divorce, self-care is very important. Taking care of yourself helps you maintain a positive outlook and feel good about yourself. Preparing yourself to start dating again is also a great motivation to get back on track with your health, take care of your body, and feel good while doing it!
- Start a regular exercise routine and make healthy choices when you eat.
- Don’t forget to get plenty of sleep (7-9 hours) each night so that you feel refreshed and alert.^{[6]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Finding Potential Dates

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Look for partners who share similar interests. Being 40 puts you in a very different mindset for dating than when you were dating at 20. While opposites attract, you at least want to share some major things in common. For example, if you are religious, look for other singles who are also religious. If you have a hobby that's important to you, you may wish to find someone who shares that hobby.^{[7]
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- For example, if your religious faith is an important part of your life, consider looking for potential partners through your church or temple.
- If you love going to the gym, keep your eyes open for interesting singles while you're working out, or take an aerobics or yoga class to meet new people.
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Seek out partners who can relate to your current lifestyle. Look for people who are in a similar life phase as you. For example, if you have children, you may prefer a partner who has children themselves, since they can relate to you on that level. If you are well established in your career, you may want to seek out a partner who also places a lot of importance on their work life.
- For example, if you're a lawyer or doctor with a very hectic schedule, you may mesh best with someone who also has a demanding career.
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Use technology to find dates. Online dating websites, phone apps, and dating services are all viable options. Some dating apps are even tailored to certain demographics such as people who are divorced, those who share religious faith, or people who enjoy similar hobbies. For the best results, be open and honest about who you are online and post images of yourself that are accurate and up-to-date.^{[8]
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- Explore dating websites like Match.com, eHarmony, and ChristianMingle.com. Try out dating apps like PlentyofFish, Bumble, Happn, and OKCupid.
- Stay safe when dating new people. Spend several weeks emailing with them, talking on the phone, or video chatting before you meet them in person.^{[9]
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- Meet in public for the first several dates until you get to know them. Bring your own mode of transportation so you can leave if you want to.
4
Look for dates in realistic places. While it's possible to meet a quality prospect at a bar, it's probably unlikely. Try looking for potential partners in places where they typically congregate. For example, skip the nightclub and consider a wine tasting event instead. Pass on the pizza joint and have dinner at an upscale restaurant. Avoid the Starbucks drive-thru and grab a table at a sit-down coffee shop.
- Look for local meet-up groups that get together for activities that you're interested in.
5
Take a class or pursue a passion. Check out classes available locally for something you're interested in, like painting or scuba diving. Not only will you spend time doing something new that interests you, but you may meet other single people there. Plus, it's much easier to chat with a prospect when you already have something to talk about it!
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Use a furry friend to meet people. Take your dog for a walk at the local park and chat up anyone who seems interesting. At the very least, you'll get in some quality time with your furry friend. If you don't have a pet, consider getting one! If getting a pet isn't an option, consider volunteering at a local animal shelter. You may meet a fellow animal lover who also happens to be single.
7
Be open to invitations you receive for dates. Getting back into dating doesn't mean you have to constantly look for potential partners everywhere you go. You may catch someone else's eye, for example, and they could ask you out. Even if you've never thought about dating that person before, or if you're caught off guard, don't close yourself off to the idea!
- For instance, maybe a single coworker asks you out for a drink after work. You've never considered them as a potential partner before, but that doesn't mean you can't explore the idea.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Going Out on Dates

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Dress to impress. You might be a little out of the game and not remember how to look or present yourself. Wear clothes that fit well and that look good on your body. Maintain proper hygiene (such as showering regularly, grooming your hair, and not having a strong body odor). These are easy ways to present yourself and give a good first impression.^{[10]
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- Consider making some changes to your wardrobe if your clothes are old, worn, or do not properly fit you. If you can't afford new clothes, go through your wardrobe and evaluate what you have. Try mixing and matching different pieces or tailoring garments to fit you better.
- Ask a friend for some advice if you have difficulty evaluating yourself.
- If you're on a budget, try looking for clothes at thrift stores.
2
Commit to having fun. While dating can be nerve-wracking, aim to have fun. You have the opportunity to share new experiences with someone and possibly create a new connection. Choose date activities that you look forward to or want to try. For example, try a dance class, go on a hike, or try a new restaurant in town.
- Even if things don’t work out, appreciate your ability to try new things and push yourself outside of your comfort zone.^{[11]
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3
Flirt with your date. If you’re a little rusty on flirting, it’s time to start practicing! Show the person you’re dating that you’re interested by subtlety flirting with them. This might include gently touching their arm or shoulder, making eye contact and smiling at them, and mimicking their body language. These are easy ways to show that you want to connect.^{[12]
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- When making eye contact, lock your gaze for 2-3 seconds, then look away. You want to make eye contact, but not stare at them.
4
Avoid talking excessively about your divorce. While you may want to tell the person that you are divorced, don’t spend your date talking about your ex, your marriage, or the divorce. This might signal to the person that you are not ready to move on or that you are caught in dilemmas regarding your divorce.^{[13]
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- For example, you might say something simple, such as, “I am divorced. Everything is finalized and I’m ready to move on with my life.”
- Don't feel like you have to mention your divorce. It's OK to not say anything until the other person asks.
5
Tell your date if you have children. Be upfront with your date and let them know you have children early on in dating. Tell your date about your children and your role in their lives. Bring up the fact that you have kids early, such as before the first date or on the first date.
- If you have children from your previous marriage, be cautious in how you involve them in your dating life. Many people don’t include their children in their dating life until they become somewhat serious with a partner. ^{[14]
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- Don't include your kids in your dating life just for the sake of convenience. Try to keep them separate until you're confident you've found someone you're serious about being with.
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Offer a second date if you want to see them again. If you enjoyed your date and would like to see the person again, set up a second date soon after the first date (or at the end of the date). This communicates your interest and shows the person you’d like to continue the connection. Now that you know them better, tailor the date around an activity or interest that you both share.^{[15]
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- For example, if you both enjoy the outdoors, invite them on a hike. If you both enjoy cooking, take a cooking class together.

Conversation and Online Profile Help

Conversation Topics for First Date (after 40)

Online Dating Profile for After 40

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I find a new love after divorce?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

Hopefully, your goal should be to relax and re-stabilize your life following a divorce. You owe it to yourself to get to know yourself and your likes, needs, and wants. Some people lose touch with themselves following a bad relationship. Think through if you want to be in a serious relationship. Love tends to happen most often when you are not looking for it. Be aware of your own needs, and be true to yourself.
Question

What is the best dating site for people over 40?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

Do an online search and look for reviews. This is very personal so responses will vary. Read a lot of reviews before selecting your site. You can also choose to post on several sites and see which one works best for you.
Question

How do you date after a divorce?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

Hopefully, you will take a little time to just unwind and reflect on what you would like moving forward. Spend some time with friends and family before jumping into another serious relationship. Try to date around for a little while and expose yourself to a variety of people.

Warnings

Be careful when you date online. Some people on the internet are criminals just trying to look for victims. Whoever you date on the internet doesn't mean they're automatically who you're meant to be with.

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If you smoke, consider giving it up. It may be a put off for a good number of potential dates. This habit might adversely affect your chances of finding a date who may want to stay with you. Read How to Stop Smoking Instantly to find ways to help you get rid of this uncool habit.

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