How to Deal With a Self Centered Friend

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: March 9, 2023 References Approved

Everyone behaves in selfish and self-centered ways sometimes, but some people seem to do it more often than others. If you are frustrated with a friend’s selfish behavior, you'll need to know how to do something about it. There are several things that you can do to address a friend’s selfish behavior and create a better relationship. Start by identifying the problem, then talk to your friend about how you feel and look for solutions.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Identifying the Problem

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Keep in mind that selfishness can indicate other problems. Although someone who behaves in selfish ways may be frustrating to be around, it is possible that selfish behavior may indicate that the person is dealing with deeper issues, such as depression or narcissistic personality disorder.^{[1]
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Research source} Try to avoid judging or labeling your friend as selfish and self-centered. Instead, try to find out what is going on in your friend’s life that may be causing him or her to behave in selfish ways.
- For example, you might say, “You seem wrapped up in the negative things that have been happening in your life. What's going on?”
- Encourage your friend to seek help if they're depressed or dealing with other serious issues. Advise your friend to talk to a school counselor or a therapist.
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Think about what’s bothering you. What does your friend do that irritates you? Does she say negative things to you, constantly demand your attention, or talk only about herself without stopping? Get a good handle on exactly what it is that bothers you about your friend.^{[2]
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- Some friends ask for help but never give anything in return. In this case, they're taking more from the relationship than they're giving, leaving it one-sided.
- Others talk themselves all the time but never ask how you are. If you do talk, they seem uninterested. This is another example of a one-sided relationship.
- Another type of selfishness is attention seeking. They may constantly call you and try to get you to hang out. They don't respect your need for alone-time.
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Consider underlying problems. The underlying problems of selfishness may give you a little something to go on when talking to the person. You may also be able to develop a little more empathy for your friend if you consider why he or she may be acting in selfish ways.
- Selfish or self-centered people may be insecure or have a negative self image. As such, they look for attention or try to get others to think about them.
- Consider their childhood. Maybe they expect attention because that's what they're used to. Maybe they're desperate for attention because they never got any growing up.
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Think about times you’ve been selfish. Selfishness is a normal human behavior and we are all guilty of it sometimes. Think about times that you’ve been selfish to get some perspective. You may have been selfish unintentionally and hurt others' feelings. For example:^{[3]
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- Have you ever interrupted someone during a conversation?
- Have you ever gotten bored when someone else was talking and started thinking about a problem of your own?
- Did you ever insist someone to spend time with you, even though you knew that they weren't feeling well?

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Talking it Out

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Make a time to talk. The most important thing to do to change someone’s behavior is to talk about it. Make plans to talk to your friend, and make sure the setting is private and quiet. Your friend may be upset with you when you say how you feel, so a public place may not be the best idea.
- Ensure that you have enough time for an in-depth conversation where you can get all of your thoughts out. An hour-long block should be enough.
- Choose a private place, such as a quiet park or one of your homes.
- Avoid restaurants, shops or bars. It may be hard to talk about personal issues with so many people around. Also, a poor reaction from your friend may create an embarrassing situation.
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Tell your friend exactly what is bothering you. Stay respectful and positive, and let your friend know that your relationship is alright but needs some work. You'll want to be direct and explain the issues as clearly as possible. Don't use negative language like "I'm sick of your selfishness," or "I hate how many favors you ask of me."^{[4]
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- For a friend who asks too many favors, say: “It really bothers me that you expect so much of me, but you don’t give much in return. ”
- If they talk about themselves too much, try: "You spend a lot of time talking about your feelings, but you never have much time to listen to me talk."
- If they always ask for help dealing with drama, say: "I know you've had some drama lately, but it's difficult for me to keep helping you. You're a great friend, but I feel like I'm doing too much work."
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Focus on your feelings. Selfish people spend most of their time thinking about themselves, and hardly the feelings of others. If you speak directly about how their selfishness makes you feel, it will be a chance to get through to them about their negative behavior.
- If they often ask for money, talk about how this makes you feel. For example, it might make you feel as if they only want you for your money, not your friendship.
- For a friend that constantly complains but has no time for your problems, talk about how you feel less important in the relationship.
- Some friends may spend time at your house and make messes. Explain to them how frustrated you feel when they don't pitch in. Keep in mind, however, that this may be simply due to growing up in a home where not cleaning up is acceptable.
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Listen to what your friend has to say. If you are respectful and kind while talking, most likely your friend will offer an apology or give some reasons about why she has been selfish. Make sure to listen closely to the reasons that your friend gives, and try to understand how he or she is feeling.
- If your friend says that they never realized how bad their behavior was and wants to fix it, you're on the right track. You may be able to work out a plan.
- It's not a good sign if they seem uninterested and don't see a need to change. You may need to end this type of friendship.
- Be understanding if they give excuses, especially if it deals with a big problem, like a death in the family. Wait until they're in a better frame of mind.
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Get your friend to agree to work on her behavior. If your friend values your role in her life, she should agree to start making some changes. Make sure that you are specific about the types of behavior that you would like your friend to work on.
- For example, if you're tired of them talking all of the time and not listening to you, you could say: "I'd really appreciate it if you could listen more to what I have to say."

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Working Through Behavior

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Remind your friend if she starts falling back on old behavior. If your friend starts falling back into their old behavior, say something about it. Do this each time it happens. Let them know how the behavior makes you feel, and remind them that they agreed not to work on it.^{[5]
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- Let your friend know when they act selfish, such as constantly seeking attention by spamming you with text messages.
- If your friend made a promise to fix their behavior, then remind them of that promise. It's possible they forgot, and just need a gentle reminder.
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Stop being a doormat. Many people behave in selfish ways because other people let it happen. If a person asks for excessive favors or talks about herself without stopping, stop the behavior right away. Don’t allow the person to walk all over you.
- For example, if they always talk about themselves whenever you hang out, you could decline the invitation. You could also accept it, but steer the conversation your way.
- For example, if your friend is always looking for sympathy, stop giving it to them. Instead, offer solutions or help them see the positive side of the situation.
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Stay positive. If a selfish person treats you poorly, it’s not because you’re not worth being treated well. Selfish people ignore their friends or neglect their obligations because they only think of themselves, and this has nothing to do you or your value as a person.
- Don’t let your friend’s behavior get to you or make you feel bad about yourself.
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Check progress often. Spend some time thinking about whether the person has been truly committed to changing. Often, you will see immediate changes because the person is embarrassed and had never realized that she was selfish. Other times, changes will be slower, but you’ll see your friend taking small steps to change. Try to stay patient.
- Talk to your friend every few days. See if they're doing better in their personal lives, or whether they're holding up their promise to be less selfish.
- Hanging out with your friend is a great way to tell if their behavior is changing. Spend time together as you normally would, and see if your friendship feels different or improved.
- Talk to mutual friends to see if their promise has bled over into their other relationships. Other mutual friends may see an improvement in their behavior, or they may see the same old selfish actions.
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Take a break. If the person’s behavior is truly intolerable, take a break from being around them. Selfish behavior is draining to those on the receiving end, and you deserve better. Whether it’s just one day alone or a whole week without seeing them, spend some time to yourself.^{[6]
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- If they're the type who usually ignores you when you need help, this may help them understand how you feel, and encourage them to change.
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Know when it’s time to end the relationship. If you’ve been patient and tried to help the person as much as possible without seeing any results, it might be time to end your friendship. Politely tell your friend that you can no longer see each other, and hold to your promise.^{[7]
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- While it’s hard to do, toxic and negative people deserve no part in your life.

Warnings

Don’t yell at the person or take anger out on them while talking. While they may deserve it, you will not get through to them by being angry. Only respectful, thoughtful dialog will make them understand how you feel.

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Self centered friends may never change. Some selfish behavior is too deeply ingrained to ever go away completely, so don’t be too disappointed if the person doesn’t make any progress.

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Be careful if the selfish person is your family member. If the relationship gets to the point where you have to end it, it will be extremely difficult if the person is related to you. However, get help from other family members and hold your ground.

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