How to Fix a Marriage on the Verge of Divorce

Co-authored by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA and Christopher M. Osborne, PhD

Last Updated: April 18, 2022 References

All marriages ebb and flow, but it’s definitely time to take action if you’re worried that your marriage is on the brink of divorce. The good news is that marriages often can be rescued from this precipice with a mix of self-reflection, open communication, and cooperative action. This article lists helpful strategies for evaluating your marriage, evaluating yourself, and moving forward with the right plan for your situation.

1

List the positives in your marriage.

Get a clear picture of what you want to save or strengthen. When your marriage is struggling, it’s easy to overlook the positives and see only the negatives. So, before identifying the problem areas that need to be addressed, take some time to yourself to specify the strengths that you want to use as a foundation to rebuild things.^{[1]
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- You might, for instance, list items like the following:
  - “We still have a strong focus on each other’s wellbeing.”
  - “We generally agree on our current and future financial plans.”
  - “We make each other laugh when we spend time together.”
  - “We both fully agree that we don’t wish to have children.”

2

Ask yourself questions to identify problem areas.

Give honest answers about the status of your marriage. After listing the positives in your marriage, write down a list of questions as if you’re evaluating the marriage as an objective outsider. Answer honestly so you can pinpoint the areas of concern that need to be addressed. Ask questions like the following:^{[2]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.}
- Is my spouse my friend?
- Do I trust my spouse?
- Am I attracted to my spouse?
- Are we emotionally disconnected?
- Do I feel unhappy? If so, why?
- What are our (and my) main challenges?
- Does my partner know how I feel?
- Can I still envision a happy future with my spouse?

3

Figure out how you're contributing to problems.

It’s not all your fault, but you can’t be 100% blameless. The goal here isn’t to shield your spouse from their role in your struggling marriage. Instead, it’s about looking inward and being honest about what you could have done differently—and can commit to doing differently.^{[3]
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- Here’s a right and wrong way to do this exercise:
  - Right: “I could have been more open and honest with my spouse about the changes in my sexual needs, desires, and concerns.”
  - Wrong: “It’s my fault my spouse cheated because I didn’t agree to have sex often enough.”
- You are not to blame for your spouse’s shortcomings. And you only have control over fixing your shortcomings—not theirs.

4

Create a plan for personal changes.

What can you do to give your marriage its best chance? Your spouse needs to make personal changes, as well, but that isn’t under your control. Focus on what is under your control—your side of the equation. Create a plan for yourself that you can share with your spouse. Hopefully, they’ll agree to make a self-improvement plan of their own.^{[4]
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- Can you be a better listener? More empathetic? More affectionate in ways that resonate with your spouse?
- Can you pledge to adjust your negative mindset? To be less reflexively critical of your spouse?
- Can you adjust your work-life balance? Seek help for addiction, mental health issues, or other personal matters?

5

Share your feelings in an open, non-defensive way.

Use “I” statements so it’s clear you aren’t accusing them. Starting your sentences with phrases like “I feel,” “I would like,” and “My concern is” can prevent your spouse from getting defensive.^{[5]
X
Research source} It can also encourage them to respond with “I” statements instead of accusing you of things. That way, you both avoid the “blame game” and engage in healthier communication.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.}
- You might say, “I feel like we need to spend more time together. I would like for us to set aside a weekly date night. Would you be interested in trying that?”
- Choose a time to talk when you’re both calm and relaxed.

6

Listen to what your spouse has to say.

Give them a chance to share their perspective without interrupting them. Once you’ve shared your thoughts and feelings, actively listen as your spouse responds. You shouldn’t expect them to share your exact perspective on things, but you can hope that they’ll be equally willing to put in the work needed to repair your relationship.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}
- They could still get defensive, or hostile, or refuse to admit that there’s anything wrong. That's okay. Give them time to “come around” while you work on yourself.

7

Look at things from their perspective.

How do they perceive your marriage, and why? Even if your spouse agrees that your marriage is in crisis, they won’t see things exactly like you do. You might be concerned with communication and trust issues, while they’re more focused on a lack of respect and intimacy. Your spouse might also think the marriage is fine while you think it isn’t, or vice versa—put yourself in their shoes so you can better understand where they’re coming from.^{[8]
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- If your spouse isn’t willing to share their perspective or feelings, make your best guess based on their actions, attitude, and comments.

8

Be open and honest with each other.

Frequent, honest communication is essential to repair a marriage. If you’ve agreed to work together to save the marriage, now is the time for “radical transparency”—being more open and honest than ever before.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} Share what you’re doing, where you’re going, and what you’re thinking. To help out the process, consider scheduling a daily time (like when you’re walking the dog) for sharing.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.}
- If your spouse cheated on you, encourage them to be open about where they’re going, who they’re hanging out with, and so on.
- If your struggle with addiction has caused problems, talk openly about your struggles and the recovery process.^{[11]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Lauren Urban, LCSW
  Licensed Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.}
- If your spouse isn't ready for this yet, give them some time. Just keep in mind that saving your marriage depends on re-opening the lines of communication.

9

Forgive each other.

Let go of past resentments so you can move forward together. Forgiving your spouse doesn’t mean pretending their wrong choices never happened. It means releasing the hurt and anger their choices have caused. Forgiveness allows you to make a fresh start in your marriage.^{[12]
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- This works best if you both agree to practice forgiveness, but it's beneficial for you even if you have to practice forgiveness alone.
- It's important to express your forgiveness, as well. For example, “I forgive you for making major financial decisions without my input. I want to work together to move forward and improve our financial situation.”

10

Set new ground rules.

Don’t try to recapture the past—work to make something new. Your marriage is basically at a crossroads with 3 possible paths: divorce; continuing as it is, in a constant state of possible collapse; or reforming into a new, improved relationship. If you’re both dedicated to making things work, seize the opportunity to reframe your relationship in positive and supportive ways. You might set new “rules” like the following:^{[13]
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- Forbidding personal attacks when you disagree
- Resolving minor conflicts before going to bed
- Sharing household responsibilities equally

11

Spend quality time together.

Restore old activities you enjoy and discover new ones, too.^{[14]
X
Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.} Remember how much time you used to spend with your spouse back when you first got married? It's normal for that amount of quality time to diminish after you've been married a while, but now you have the motivation to bring it back—and improve it! ^{[15]
X
Research source} Here are a few ideas to get you started:
- Volunteer together to support an important cause
- Sign up for an art course or take improv classes
- Go on a walk together after dinner each night^{[16]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
  Marriage & Family Therapist
  Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.}

12

Show affection toward each other.

Rekindle old sparks and feed new fires of affection, as well. Help restore your marriage by acting as if you’ve just started your marriage. Hold hands. Make regular eye contact. Say “I love you.” Cuddle on the couch. Hug and kiss each other.^{[17]
X
Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.} Give each other massages. Talk about “old favorites” and new options for spicing things up in the bedroom—then try them out with regularity!^{[18]
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Research source}
- Restoring intimacy can take time and effort in a struggling marriage, especially if infidelity has been an issue. Give it time and take it slow, focusing first on small steps like holding hands.

13

Try discernment counseling if you need more help.

Let a neutral expert provide a clearer picture of your situation. During discernment counseling, which usually lasts 1-5 sessions, a professional therapist helps you and your spouse determine if there is a path forward. The goal here isn’t to figure out how to repair the marriage, but to help both of you get on the same page—agreeing that either the marriage can or can’t be saved.^{[19]
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- If you both agree your marriage can be saved, move on to marriage counseling and learn strategies for how to save it.^{[20]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family Therapist
  Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}
- If you both agree that the marriage is over, or your opinions remain divided, it’s probably best to move forward with dissolving the marriage.
- Some marriage counselors also do discernment counseling, or you might work with a therapist who focuses specifically on discernment counseling.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you Respark a relationship?

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Laura Bilotta is a Dating Coach, Matchmaker, and the Founder of Single in the City, her dating and relationship coaching service based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. With over 18 years of experience, she focuses on helping singles date more intentionally, encouraging them to let go of negative patterns so that they can attract the love that they deserve. Her experience, skills, and insights have led to thousands of successfully united over 65,000 singles through events and one-on-one matchmaking coaching sessions. She has been the host of The Dating and Relationship Show on Global News Radio 640 Toronto (AM640) for 6 years and is known as The Hookup Queen of Clubhouse; her popular singles club, Single in the City, has over 95.5K members who regularly join in weekly dating and relationship-focused rooms.

Laura Bilotta

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

We tend to get complacent and we stop trying to impress our significant other, but it shouldn’t be this way. You can spice up your relationship by having date night at least once a week. Don’t have any distractions during your date night. Try some new sex toys or even try playing out each other’s fantasies, it is always good to have more communication when it comes to sex. Get back to touching, kissing, foot rubs, playing footsies, back rubs, etc. It doesn’t have to always be sexual. But don’t underestimate the power of touch.