How to Get Your Friends to Stop Borrowing Your Things

Last Updated: September 22, 2022 References

One aspect of being a good friend is letting others borrow your items in times of need. But sometimes it's just as important to know when to draw the line. When you're fed up with a friend's behavior, it's important to take action by communicating your concerns. If borrowing your things becomes habitual for a friend or group of friends, think about setting boundaries. Consider a few ways to be clear and assertive about your possessions, without coming across as rude.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Communicating Effectively

1
Figure out what you want to say. Think about how you want to talk with your friend, and how to say what you wish to say in a polite and respectful way. Before you immediately confront him, think about how you'd want to be treated.^{[1]
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- Don't overreact to his request to borrow (again). Take a moment, and be patient with your friend. Be calm and respectful.
- Consider setting up the conversation by saying, "I don't want any tension between us, but I'm hoping we could talk about you borrowing my shirts."
2
Choose the right time and place. Sometimes talking with your friend in public may not be the best idea. Your friend may feel embarrassed or cornered if it's in front of other friends.
- Make sure you, or your friend, aren't in a rush. If you or your friend are stressed or in a big hurry, you may not be able to talk in way that you both are engaged in the conversation.
- Pick a moment when you can have privacy, and have your friend's attention.
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3
Be direct. Don't avoid the topic, or make it unclear about what you're talking about. Keep the topic focused on what she borrowed, or is trying to borrow. Don't get roped into discussing other issues or problems that are coming up. Focus and be clear about what you need her to stop doing.^{[2]
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- Your friend may act defensive and try to talk about other issues. Be clear that you are willing to talk about her concerns too, but first you and your friend need to address this specific issue.
- Consider saying, for example, "I want to focus on talking about the way you've been borrowing my phone."
- If the conversation is getting derailed, you can redirect it back by saying, "I see you're concerned about the work you've got to do. I'm open to hearing about that, but before we talk about it, I wanted to make sure we're clear about when it's okay to use my computer."
4
Express your feelings. Use statements that are not accusing your friend of wrong-doing, but rather focus on statements that indicate how his behavior makes you feel. Consider the following statements as examples:
- "It makes me upset when you take my phone without asking."
- "It made me anxious and uneasy when you borrowed my favorite shirt."
5
Actively listen. It's also important listen to your friend's concerns. Instead of saying what you want to say, and then tuning your friend out, or ignoring her afterwards, give your friend the opportunity to speak.
- Use active listening skills to show that you're really paying attention. Make eye contact. Paraphrase what you heard your friend say. Be present in the moment. Avoid things that distract you.
- Your friend may be going through a difficult time. Be willing to set your time aside to listen about what's happening, or why she is borrowing more. Allow her to give an explanation.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Setting Boundaries

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Request that your friend always ask first. If your friend is borrowing without asking, make sure that it's clear he needs to ask before borrowing, even if it's something small. Set an example by doing the same. Always ask to borrow something, rather than taking it.^{[3]
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- If your friend is always taking without asking, your friend may not understand how to respect your stuff, or personal boundaries. See if your friend is willing to change his ways. Think about whether spending time with a friend that takes your things without asking is a healthy friendship for you.
2
Identify if your friend's borrowing is a regular trend. Sometimes friends borrow things for a temporary fix, like if they need to borrow a phone or a car since they don't have access to one for a little while. Other times, your friend may seem to taking full advantage, when you said in the past, "Feel free to borrow anytime."^{[4]
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- Watch out for when friends continue to overstep, and take things on a regular basis without giving back in return.
3
Create limits for how often your friend can borrow. For friends that think friendship means they can take and take, and there is no limit. Respectfully, talk with her about limits. If she's always asking to borrow your clothes, consider telling her she can borrow something of yours once a week.
- It's up to you to set the limits that you're comfortable with. If she is borrowing something that you think she will be careless with, you can also tell her, "Sorry, I can't help with that right now." Consider offering her solutions in addition to saying no so that she doesn't feel left with nothing.^{[5]
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- Ensure that your friend understands the value and importance of the item she is borrowing.
4
Communicate any conditions. Another boundary might be conditions on borrowing, such as replacing what is borrowed or having it cleaned. It can be irritating to reach into your closet for your favorite shirt only to find that it's dirty, or not being able to find the nail clippers, etc. Say something like, "I don't mind if you borrow my shirt, but please wash it and put it back in my closet after," or, "If you're going to use my nail clippers, please return them to the drawer right after."
5
Decide which things are off-limits. Some things are delicate, too valuable, or have emotional significance. If your friend is asking to borrow something that just doesn't feel right to give him, help to be clear that this is particularly special to you, so unfortunately you can't share it at the moment.
- Offer to share something else if you feel that would work. Or, be very honest with him why this cannot be borrowed. You can say, "No, I can't let you borrow that. It's special to me, and I don't want it leaving this room," or, "That's my favorite shirt, and I know you'll be careful when you wear it, but I would be really upset if something happened to it or it got ruined. You can borrow another one, though!"
- If it's a family heirloom or special thing from when you were a little kid, as your friend, the person will very likely understand its significance.^{[6]
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  Research source} Say something like, "That watch was a gift from my grandfather who passed away, and I'm just not comfortable letting someone else wear it."

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Strengthening Your Friendship

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Help your friend meet her needs. Find ways to reduce your friend's need to borrow. If she needs to look at something on your phone, find out if she can use another phone, or her own at a later time. If she wants to use your clothes, ask if she would like to go shopping, or see if there are other friends who have items to be borrowed.
- Depending on what your friend is borrowing, be creative in helping to identify solutions and problem-solve with your friend. It could help your friend to think of other ways to handle her needs.
2
Keep the lines of communication open. Talk with your friend as you normally do, even if you're having a problem with him borrowing your things. Don't give your friend the "silent treatment," hoping that he will figure out what's wrong. Unless you openly communicate, it's hard to know what's on your mind, or on someone else's.
- Consider saying something like, "Just so you know, I'm always here if you want to talk about anything."
3
Treat your friend the way you want to be treated. Be kind and honest with your friend. A good friend is kind, respectful, trust-worthy, and sincere. Be this to your friend, and she will likely be the same. While your emotions may be high at times with your friend's behavior, think before you act.
- You may be shy, or wish to avoid conflict, but oftentimes this leads to passive-aggressive behavior. You let your friend borrow something, even though you're annoyed, so instead you act out against your friend at a later point or hold a grudge. A healthy friendship is more honest up front, rather than letting things sit and then get out of control. ^{[7]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do you say no to a friend who wants to borrow something?

Kim Chronister, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Kim Chronister is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist. She specializes in helping people struggling with substance abuse, relationship problems, eating disorders, and personality disorders. Dr. Chronister has contributed to and appeared on Access Hollywood, Investigation Discovery, and NBC News. She is the author of “Peak Mindset” and “FitMentality.” She holds an MA in Clinical Psychology and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) from Alliant International University.

Kim Chronister, PsyD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Be direct, but compassionate. Modeling the type of behavior that you want to see in a friend is ideal rather than scolding them. If you feel uncomfortable lending something, you want to send the message so that you likely don’t have to resent them later. When we take too long to set boundaries, it can result in what your friend will see as an abrupt reaction.