How to Recognize Warning Signs that Your Boyfriend May Become Abusive

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: August 6, 2020 References

Abuse comes in many different forms and often escalates from emotional and verbal threats into physical violence. It can be difficult sometimes to tell if your boyfriend or partner is being abusive, particularly if you're in a new relationship and don't know the other person well. If you can learn to recognize the early warning signs of emotional and physical abuse, you may be able to protect yourself from an abusive relationship.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Recognizing Warning Signs of Emotional Abuse

1
Pay attention if he pressures you to commit. Your new boyfriend could potentially become abusive if he’s pressuring you to commit early on. Pay attention if he seems to get attached too quickly. Try to slow the relationship down. If he reacts negatively to that or tries to make you feel guilty, it may be a sign he’s going to become more controlling or manipulative in the future.
2
Notice any jealousy or neediness. Be wary of your new boyfriend if he wants to be in constant contact with you. The attention may feel nice at first, but a boyfriend who checks in on you frequently may be overly dependent or have difficulty with trust. Especially be concerned if your boyfriend gets angry if you don’t respond to him right away when he contacts you.^{[1]
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Research source} Your boyfriend might be overly jealous if he:
- Questions you about who you talk to.
- Monitors your phone or uses it without your permission.
- Follows you, or stops by your house or job frequently.
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3
Look for blaming behavior. Notice if your boyfriend tends to blame you or other people, particularly old partners, for his circumstances or feelings. Abusers often use this blaming tactic because it allows them to deny any personal wrongdoing. In the future, this could become a way for your boyfriend to control you or justify physical abuse.
- For example, your boyfriend might say, “You made me angry. It’s your fault because you didn’t do what I told you.”
4
Watch out for disrespectful language. Pay attention to how your boyfriend talks to you. If he frequently puts you down, belittles you, or is sarcastic with you and doesn’t listen if you complain about the way he talks to you, he may become even more verbally abusive in the future. Other signs of verbal abuse may include:^{[2]
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- Cursing at you.
- Putting down your accomplishments or goals.
- Using degrading words to describe your body.
5
Watch out for isolation tactics. Pay attention if your boyfriend tries to isolate you from friends or family. Abusers will try to diminish your support system and will try to make you feel bad for spending time with others. He may even try to accuse your friends or family of being “trouble” or convince you they’re bad for you.
- Keep in mind as his behavior escalates, your boyfriend may try to prevent you from using your car, using the telephone, or going to work.^{[3]
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6
See how he’s trying to control you. Your boyfriend might try to control you in subtle ways at first, but these behaviors escalate for people who are abusive. There are many ways he may try to control you, but in the beginning he’ll try to convince you that he’s just doing it out of love or concern.^{[4]
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Research source} Some controlling behaviors you need to watch out for include:^{[5]
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Trustworthy Source
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse
Go to source}
- Telling you what clothes or how much makeup to wear.
- Telling you how to spend your money.
- Taking over control of your bank accounts.
- Telling you who you can and cannot see.
- Preventing you from participating in activities you enjoy.
7
Observe any mood swings. If your boyfriend is prone to being highly sensitive or having rapid mood swings, he may have difficulty with emotional regulation. While this might not mean he’ll become abusive, it could mean he’ll be unstable and unpredictable with you. This is actually a way of controlling you, because you’ll never know what to expect and will feel like you have to make him feel better.
8
Notice how he deals with conflict. Pay attention to how your boyfriend handles arguments with others. A person who is potentially abusive will have difficulty with being wrong in an argument, may start arguments easily, and may want to argue often over little things. He may overreact and be overly sensitive during arguments with others.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Recognizing Signs of Physical Abuse

1
Notice his use of force. A very good indicator your boyfriend may become physically abusive in the future is his use of force. Pay attention to your boyfriend intimidating or scaring you during arguments or times of stress. These intimidation tactics are definite signs of emotional abuse, so it's important to recognize them and leave the relationship before it escalates to the point of violence. Ask yourself these important questions:
- Does he break or throw things?
- Does he punch walls?
- Does he corner you?
- Does he physically restrain you or hold you down?
- Does he tower over you and yell?
- Does he drive recklessly when he’s upset?
2
Be aware of threats. If your boyfriend threatens you in any way, this is verbal and emotional abuse. Threatening language and behavior is also a sign he might become physically abusive in the future. Pay attention to any threats he makes to hurt you, kill you, or hurt himself if you don't do what he asks.^{[6]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} Take these threats seriously.
3
Notice how he treats you during sex. A boyfriend who pressures you into sex, tries to make you guilty for not having sex, forces you to have sex, or is violent during sex is abusive. Pay attention if he tries to manipulate you into having sex, especially if he makes you feel guilty for saying “no.” Keep in mind sexual control and manipulation may worsen over time. You should also watch out for these signs and get help if your boyfriend tries to:^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse
Go to source}
- Force you to dress in sexualized ways you’re not comfortable with.
- Force you to watch pornography.
- Hold you down or get more aggressive during sex.
- Manipulate you into having sex by giving you alcohol or other drugs.
4
Listen to clues about his history. If your boyfriend tells you he has a past history of hitting partners, he'll be more likely to be physically abusive in the future, particularly if he shows no remorse for it or blames past partners. Also watch out for a history of cruelty to animals or children. This may be less easy to see, but if he hits your dog when angry and is insensitive to its suffering, be careful.
- You may hear him say something like: “I hit my last girlfriend, but it was her fault. She made me do it.”
- Listen to clues from other people that he's been violent in the past. If you hear or notice a tendency toward violence or that others are scared of him, pay attention to it, even if he denies it or tries to blame others.
- You may want to actively seek out information online, such as his criminal records, to see if he's been arrested for domestic violence or had any restraining orders placed against him.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Reacting to the Warning Signs

1
Reflect on how your boyfriend makes you feel. It’s important to pay attention to how these behaviors from your boyfriend make you feel. If you feel anxious or fear for your safety as a reaction to any of these behaviors by your boyfriend, you might be in an abusive relationship. Ask yourself these questions:^{[8]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Do you feel helpless around your boyfriend?
- Are you afraid of your boyfriend?
- Have you started to think you deserve the way he’s treating you?
- Do you try to avoid doing things that will make him angry?
2
Get support. If your boyfriend exhibits some or all of these behaviors, get support. It may not be that it’s abuse exactly, but it’s still an unhealthy relationship and could escalate to be abusive. Some good resources to seek out include:
- Calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can call 24/7 and all calls are confidential and anonymous. The number is: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).^{[9]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  National Domestic Violence Hotline
  Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse
  Go to source}
- Finding a local domestic violence shelter.
- Finding a counselor.
- Calling a friend.
3
Be aware of the cycle of abuse. Relationships that are violent or abusive often follow a pattern. First, your boyfriend may get more angry, blame you, demean you, and argue with you more. Next, your boyfriend’s behavior will escalate and he’ll get more verbally, physically, sexually, or emotionally abusive with you. After that, he may apologize and make promises.^{[10]
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Research source} This cycle will repeat unless you get help or leave the relationship, which is very hard to do when your boyfriend is apologizing or promising to change. You may also have difficulty leaving because of:^{[11]
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Research source}
- Fear of being physically hurt.
- Low self-esteem.
- Fear of what others will think.
- Fear that you’re to blame.
4
Don’t blame yourself. Abuse can happen to anyone of any background, age, religion, or economic status. Abuse comes in many different forms, whether verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual. Sometimes abuse may be more subtle, but abuse is never okay. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship where you are respected and treated well.^{[12]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
5
Consider talking to your boyfriend. In some instances, it may feel safe for you to address these warning signs and your concerns with your boyfriend. Use caution if doing so. When in doubt or if you don’t feel safe bringing it up, pay attention to that and seek support from a professional instead.
- Keep in mind that talking to your boyfriend could escalate his behavior or cause him to become violent.
- Keep in mind to let someone know ahead of time, like a friend or counselor, where and when you’ll be having the conversation with your boyfriend. You may want to practice what you’re going to say and have the talk in a place where you feel safe.