How to Apologise for Offending Your Friend

Co-authored by Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA

Last Updated: September 27, 2022 References

Sometimes, without meaning to, you can take a joke too far or say something that insults or demeans your friend. If you find out that your friend was offended by one of your jokes, pranks, or comments, you might decide to be the bigger person and apologise. Apologising is more than just “I’m sorry." You want to make sure you acknowledge how you hurt the person, understand where they are coming from, and take steps to make amends to your friend.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.} While your friend may still be upset with you, a sincere, heartfelt apology will do a lot to help repair your friendship.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Saying You’re Sorry

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Find a place and time where you can talk privately. Most apologies feel pretty uncomfortable for both parties, and it’s probably better to do it away from others’ eyes and ears. When you’re ready to apologise, take a minute to collect your thoughts before approaching your friend.
- Try saying, “Hey, Mark, can I talk to you for a minute?” People generally get the sense from this question that you need to talk to them privately, and it is a more serious matter.
- Step away from others toward a quieter, more private location.
- Make sure you talk to your friend when they have a few minutes to spare, not when they’re rushing off to class or work.
2
Apologise. Apologise for the specific thing you did wrong, whether it was your behavior, a joke, or something you said. Say what it was you did to upset your friend. In apologies, it is important to take ownership of your behaviour.
- For example, say “I’m really sorry I made fun of your outfit in front of your crush,” instead of, “I’m sorry about what happened back there.”
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3
Accept responsibility. You do not apologise that your friend has hurt feelings, you apologise that you created your friend’s hurt feelings because of what you did.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.}
- Don’t say “I’m sorry you took it the wrong way.” This implies that there is a right or wrong way to feel about something. No one is right or wrong for feeling how they do.
- Don’t say “I’m sorry if what I did upset you.” This apology puts the burden on the person you hurt and doesn’t make you take responsibility for your behaviour.
- A better apology would be simple, direct, and acknowledge the pain you caused: “I’m so sorry I hurt your feelings.”
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Keep your voice quiet and calm. You want to appear contrite and humble, not looking to argue. If your friend begins to yell at you out of anger, resist the urge to yell back to avoid a fight.
5
Consider writing a letter. If your friend is too upset or angry and doesn’t want to talk to you, you might want to write an apology. Put some effort into a sincere, thoughtful note.
- You can email a note, handwrite one, or even send a card.
- Check out How to Apologize or How to Write an Apology Letter for examples of written apologies.
- Be sure to follow up with an in-person apology once your friend is more willing to listen to you.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Acknowledging You Hurt Their Feelings

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Admit your behaviour caused them pain or embarrassment. Even if you don’t understand how your joke wasn’t funny or your comment was offensive, you nevertheless hurt your friend. Express regret that your actions made your friend feel this way.^{[3]
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Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- You could say, “If I could do it over again, I never would have made that joke. I am so sorry I offended you.”
2
Understand their point of view. Don’t try to change their opinion or argue for your side, just listen to them and try to understand where they are coming from.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.} Let them explain to you why your behaviour was offensive to them. When people feel heard, they tend to become less angry.
- Putting yourself in another person’s shoes and trying to see things from their perspective is called empathy. There are several ways to show empathy, and one of the most important ways you can be empathic is to listen. Listen to your friend explain how they are feeling without arguing or interjecting your thoughts.^{[5]
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  Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
  Go to source}
- Perhaps you said something offensive about your friend’s ethnic background or religion that you genuinely had no idea would be upsetting. Take this opportunity as a chance to learn and understand where your friend is coming from.
- For example, you could say, “I didn’t know that your food was part of an important tradition in your culture. I wouldn’t have made fun of you for eating it if I had known. I’m so sorry. I would love to learn more about this tradition.”
3
Explain your behaviour. If your friend is open to hearing you, let them know why you chose to do what you did.^{[6]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source} Keep in mind they may be too upset to listen, in which case, let it go for now. Be humble and sincere, and if you sense an argument brewing, back off.
- Do not be defensive. For example, “You do it to me all the time, so I thought it was okay!” does not make the listener feel that you are accepting responsibility. It also creates defensiveness in the listener.
- When explaining your behaviour, acknowledge that you still shouldn’t have behaved as you did. For example, “I was really tired last night, and that’s why I snapped at you. It’s no excuse, though. I should have left early instead of being mean to you.”^{[7]
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- Try saying, “I truly didn’t mean to hurt your feelings when I pulled that prank. I know we like to joke, and I really thought you would find it funny. But now I can understand why you didn’t.”

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Making Amends and Reinforcing Your Friendship

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Tell them you will not do it again. Indicating you learned from this situation helps maintain trust in your friendship. Your friend will not be walking on eggshells around you, concerned you will intentionally hurt them again.^{[8]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- You could say, “I learned my lesson that other people’s families are off-limits when it comes to jokes. I won’t do it again to you or anyone else in the future. I can understand now why I made you so mad.”
2
Offer to make it right. An apology that truly gets people past the negative incident will include some attempt to right the wrong.^{[9]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source} A wholehearted attempt to repair the situation is almost always seen positively through the eyes of the offended person.^{[10]
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Research source} Some ways you could attempt to make amends include:
- Replacing an item you ruined, or giving the person money to replace it.
- Tell others who witnessed the incident that you were wrong and shouldn’t have done it. You could also help protect your friend from future offenses by letting people them know a certain behaviour is off-limits. You could say, “Hey guys, I know you heard me make fun of Mike’s brother earlier. I was wrong to do it and really upset him. So let’s help him out and not make fun of him in the future, okay?”
- Doing something kind for your friend: Treat them to lunch, offer to wash their car, or help them study for a test.
3
Acknowledge the importance of your friendship. Let your friend know how much they mean to you, and how you hope that this incident will not negatively impact your relationship. Acknowledge your history together.
- You could say, “I really screwed up with this. I feel terrible that I damaged our friendship by offending you in this way. You’re such a good friend to me.”
- Talk about how long you’ve been friends and the common history you share. Do not say this in a way that makes your friend feel guilty for being offended; rather, note its importance to you. For example, “I remember how you stood by me when my mum got sick last year. It meant and still means so much to me that you were there.”
4
Ask for forgiveness. Once you have apologised to your friend and they have accepted your apology, you may also want to ask for their forgiveness. People are more willing to forgive after a heartfelt, humble apology, and if they can trust you to keep your word that you will not hurt them that way again.^{[11]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- You could say, “Can you please forgive me for making that mean joke about you?”
- Forgiveness can take time. Let your friend know that you understand this. You could say, “I hope you can forgive me someday for this, but I know you might not want to right now.”
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Let your friend decide what they need.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.} Even if your friend accepted your apology, they still may need a little space to get over their hurt feelings. Take your cue from them.
- Give your friend a few days if it seems like they need some space away from you. You could check in with a text message after a day or two and invite your friend to an activity you know they would enjoy: “Hey, how’s it going? Do you want to go work out this weekend?”
- When your friend is ready to hang out with you again, invite them to do something special with you. Do something you both enjoy, and pay for the activity if there’s a cost associated with it.

Community Q&A

Question

Will this work for people who usually overthink a joke?

Community Answer

If you don't understand why your friend doesn't find the joke funny, you might want to spend some time learning their reasons why. You could say, "I noticed you never laugh at my jokes, and I just wanted to find out if I'm offending you when I tell them."
Question

What should I do if I made fun of her religion?

Community Answer

Say you're sorry for making such an insensitive comment, and promise to refrain from doing this in the future. Maybe you could even offer to attend church with her so you can learn more about her religion. Remember that religion is a very serious subject for many people, and you should always be respectful of that.
Question

How can i apologize to my friend who I hurt by telling her crush "She has a crush on you"?

Community Answer

1. Apologize. 2. Make it up to her somehow. 3. If she doesn't forgive you right away, give it some time.