How to Avoid Coming off As Pretentious

Co-authored by Tami Claytor

Last Updated: November 21, 2022 References

If you have been called pretentious, people probably think you are arrogant, a know-it-all, smug, or superior. People have a hard time connecting with a person they feel is judging and preaching on the top of a pedestal. You will be seen as more relatable and down-to-earth if you take the time to listen to other people’s points of view and become interested in their lives. You can help change what people think of you by working on your humility, as well as improving your social skills.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Showing Humility

1
Keep quiet about your accomplishments.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Tami Claytor
Etiquette Coach
Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.} People are already likely aware of the talents, gifts, and education you possess. Do not mention your accomplishments unless someone else asks you about them.
- For example, if someone asks you how work is going, you could give a short summary of a current project you are working on, like “I’m getting the store ready for the holidays by setting up some displays.” This sounds much better than, “The regional manager came in last week and said I always do the best job getting my employees to set up the endcaps correctly.” Even if the statement is true, it comes across as bragging and sounding superior.
- If someone asks you about your achievements, talk about them briefly. If the person seems interested, you can elaborate. For example, the person you are talking to may be genuinely interested in your invitation to speak at a conference. You could say, “Yes, it’s next month. I’m nervous but very grateful for the opportunity,” and then elaborate on what you plan to talk about. That sounds better than, “I was so pleased to be offered the invitation because I’ll get to be onstage with some of the most important people in my field.” The first example is stating facts and feelings, while the second statement implies how important you think you are.
2
Pay compliments. Particularly, compliment others’ great ideas or actions. It shows that you are paying attention to them and are not just focused on your own interests.
- For example, you could say, “Aaliyah, I loved what you said in the meeting about reaching out to other departments on this project. I think it was important.”
- Complimenting people also makes them feel very good about themselves, and positively reinforces their behavior.^{[2]
  X
  Research source}
- Put others in the spotlight. Have them talk about their own accomplishments and praise them for their talents.
Advertisement
3
Give others credit. Let others know you didn’t accomplish what you did on your own.^{[3]
X
Research source} First of all, it dispels the myth of a self-made person. Everyone is helped along the way by someone else. Secondly, it makes you sound more humble, and grateful for the help you’ve received.
- For example, if someone says, “Your sculpture is amazing! You are so talented!” you could say, “Thanks. I had a great teacher in high school who helped influence my work. I give her a ton of credit.”
4
Don’t be a know-it-all. Even if you are an expert in a particular subject, that doesn’t mean that there still isn’t something out there for you to learn. Be open to being taught.
- When people offer their ideas, don’t shoot them down because you think you know better. They still may have something to contribute, and may be able to offer a different way to look at a situation. Try saying, “I’ve never thought about it that way before” or “That’s an interesting perspective.”
- If you know the person to be wrong about a factual matter, determine if it is necessary to correct them (for example, if you are working on an important project). If it is, back up your correction with necessary research and try saying, “Nancy, I’m so sorry. I don’t want to sound like I’m calling you out, but those earlier numbers you mentioned weren’t correct,” then show the information you have. If you remain polite and humble, you will not seem like a know-it-all.
- Keep in mind that different people have different ways of doing things that are not necessarily wrong or right. Raising children is a great example. There are many different ways to raise a child successfully, and what works best for one family may be a complete disaster in another.
5
Be quiet. Sometimes people come across as pretentious because they have to share their opinion about everything, and they make their opinion sound superior to other people’s. It is not always necessary to share your opinion, so interject wisely.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- For example, say you are very health-conscious, and your sister tells you she had fast food for dinner. Instead of telling her how horrible fast food is for her (she probably already knows, anyway), you can ask her a question about her dinner (Did she go out with friends? Where did she eat?) or just change the subject.
6
Acknowledge your mistakes. Don’t try to pass the blame onto someone or something else. Own them, apologize if necessary, and move on.
- Admitting mistakes shows your willingness to be vulnerable, which people connect with more strongly than a person up on a pedestal. Admitting you were wrong gives other people permission to talk about their screw-ups, as well as helps to build empathy.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Being Interested in Other People

1
Practice empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand how another person is feeling, the “putting yourself in their shoes” feeling. Imagine yourself as the other person in a particular situation, how you would be feeling, and how you would like someone to treat you.^{[5]
X
Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- For example, think of sitting near a crying baby on an airplane. It is an annoying noise and it is beginning to stress you out. Now imagine being the parent of the crying baby. The parent knows how frustrated other people are at their child and is doing everything possible to get the baby to stop. How would you feel as the parent, knowing people were getting mad at you and the baby? You might feel stressed out, overwhelmed, or helpless. This is how you develop empathy.
2
Listen. Spend more time listening than talking.^{[6]
X
Research source} This will help you gain understanding and foster connection with others, rather than bulldoze the conversation with your own points of view.
- If you have a hard time not dominating a conversation, practice stepping back and letting others take a turn, before you make your point. Sum up the points you heard: “It sounds like everyone wants to get pizza. I’m good with that. Everyone wants pepperoni?”
- Ask questions. Be interested in other people and their lives. Most people love to talk about themselves and appreciate the opportunity to share the things they care about with others.
3
Treat everyone as an equal. You are no better than anyone else. We all have our own gifts, and we all have our own struggles, that we bring to the world. Consider that the person you look down upon likely has a life story you know next to nothing about.
- Withhold judgment on other people’s lives and choices. Keep an open mind, and use your empathy skills to try to understand where the person is coming from, and why they would make the choice they did.
- For example, perhaps the idiot who cut across a lane of traffic to turn was actually lost and in a hurry. Until you know the whole story, it is unfair to judge.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Getting Down from the Pedestal

1
Try something before you judge it. You may write something off as too “beneath you” to participate it or try, but why not try it before you knock it? You may find that you enjoy yourself. Don’t build a wall between you and something else (not to mention the other people who enjoy the activity) just because you look at it with preconceived notions.
- Ask someone who loves the activity you disdain to tell you more about it. You might enjoy the activity more if you understand it or have some background information.
- For example, you might dislike football, but you decide to keep an open mind and attend a game. Go with a friend who loves it, who can explain the intricacies of the game to you, and who knows how to enhance the experience -- they might know the best refreshments to order at the game, for example.
2
Have enough understanding of pop culture to have a conversation. If you normally shun popular culture because it is too “low-brow” for you, find something about it that you are at least minimally interested in so that you can carry on a conversation about it with others.
- Follow a professional sports team. Or, at least be aware of how your local team is doing.
- See a blockbuster movie.
- Read the current “must-read” book that everyone is talking about.
- Flip through a celebrity gossip magazine at the grocery store checkout or while waiting at the doctor’s office.
3
Use your intelligence and education to help others. Give back your time and talents to a cause you believe in. Your areas of expertise could be useful to many people.
- Volunteer. Maybe you could teach your area of expertise to members of your community at a free class at your community center. Or consider donating your skill set to nonprofit organizations who could use your help. For example, if you’re a web designer, volunteer your time at a nonprofit you believe in and help update their webpages.
- Many volunteer opportunities will expose you to different ideas and people, which will help you be less pretentious by becoming more open-minded and less judgmental.
4
Use common language. There is a time and a place for academic, professional language, but when you are in more casual settings, consider adopting a more everyday way of speaking. Big words can be fun to learn, but you risk alienating others by using them around people who might not understand them.
- Consider that simple, straightforward speech often does the job just as well or better than more difficult words that risk the listener’s confusion. For example, “Refrain from grousing” and “Don’t complain” mean essentially the same thing, but the first is far more likely to make someone head to the dictionary.

Expert Q&A
Did you know you can get expert answers for this article? Unlock expert answers by supporting wikiHow

Question

How do I respond when someone compliments me without seeming pretentious?

Tami Claytor
Etiquette Coach
Tami Claytor is an Etiquette Coach, Image Consultant, and the Owner of Always Appropriate Image and Etiquette Consulting in New York, New York. With over 20 years of experience, Tami specializes in teaching etiquette classes to individuals, students, companies, and community organizations. Tami has spent decades studying cultures through her extensive travels across five continents and has created cultural diversity workshops to promote social justice and cross-cultural awareness. She holds a BA in Economics with a concentration in International Relations from Clark University. Tami studied at the Ophelia DeVore School of Charm and the Fashion Institute of Technology, where she earned her Image Consultant Certification.

Tami Claytor

Etiquette Coach

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

I would just be as genuine as possible. Thank the person and let them know you appreciate them saying what they said.