How to Be a Good Boyfriend

Co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW and Christopher M. Osborne, PhD

Last Updated: March 8, 2023 References Approved

Being a good boyfriend isn't always easy, even if you have an amazing partner. A good boyfriend knows when to talk, and when to listen; when to offer advice, and when to offer empathy; when to shower them with attention, and when to give her some space. You need to be someone they can trust and admire, and even someone who makes them want to be a better partner.^{[1]
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Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Expressing and Sharing Feelings

1
Be honest. In any relationship, and with only very rare exceptions, honesty is the best policy. If you're honest from the beginning of your relationship, then you'll be less likely to run into trouble down the line.^{[3]
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- You should tell them what they need to know without overwhelming them with the truth. For example, if you had a serious past relationship, you can let them know without revealing every little detail about your ex.
- Temper your honesty with kindness. Don't feel as if you have to make every response seem like a compliment. Instead, offer an alternative. For example, if they ask you if you like something they are trying on, let her know that it might work, but you think the blue one is your favorite so far because it shows off their great eyes and their stunning personality.
- You should not only be comfortable with being honest, but you should be accepting of their honesty as well. If you want to be a good boyfriend, you should be able to handle the truth.
2
Trust them. Trust your partner and give them reason to trust you. Trust should form the foundation of your relationship. This will allow you to create a more open relationship toward each other, as well as creating a very good understanding in what your mate wants, feels, and needs.^{[4]
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- You can show that you trust your partner by telling them something that a lot of people don't know about you.
- You can secure their trust in you by showing that you care and are concerned if they tell you something personal and important to them.
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3
Contribute equally to conversations. When you talk, try to seek some amount of balance in the flow of conversation. If you're too quiet, they may think you're losing interest in them. If you're too talkative, they may think you're self-obsessed or plain impolite.^{[5]
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- Conversations are about give and take. The same is true for relationships. They never succeed when they're one-sided.
- Obviously, there will be occasions when you do talk a lot (such as when something exciting or important happens) or when you retreat a bit (such as when something bad happens). On the whole, though, aim for a balance of conversation.
4
Be a good listener. Instead of thinking about the next thing you want to say, or something else entirely, focus on listening to them. Think about what they are saying. Always seem interested and fully engaged in their presence.^{[6]
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- Remember, a conversation with your partner isn't just acknowledging, it's also about remembering. If your partner is telling you about an important experience, make a mental note of it.
- If they've told you something twice before and you have no idea what they're talking about because you weren't really listening, they"ll know and they won't be happy about it.
- "Listen" to their non-verbal "conversations" as well. Learn to tell when something is bothering them even when they won't say it. What does their expression, their body language, or even the way they keep twirling their hair tell you?
5
Learn to compromise. Compromise is a big part of successful communication. If you and your partner can't disagree without getting into a big fight or without one person immediately giving in to the needs of the other, then you have a problem. To be good at compromising, you should be able to talk about your needs and wants while understanding where your partner is coming from, instead of ignoring their side of the story.^{[7]
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- After you and your partner discuss your thoughts on a certain situation, you can work together to make a pros and cons list, and decide what will be best for both of you.
- Sometimes, you and your partner will have to give in to one another. That's okay, as long as you're taking turns. If they pick the movie for date night, for example, you should pick the dinner location and where to go for dessert afterward.
- Part of learning to compromise is using a calm, even voice when you have a disagreement. Never yell, swear, or (under any circumstances, ever) hit them, no matter how angry you become. Walk away for awhile if you have to, and come back when you can talk rationally.^{[8]
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Be supportive. You can show support by being available, listening attentively, and showing interest in the things they tell you. When you spend time together, make an effort to be present and attentive to their needs. By being supportive, you'll help to strengthen the sense of security and reciprocity in the relationship. And if you support their goals and dreams, then they'll support yours in turn.^{[9]
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- Be there when they have to study for a big exam or finish college applications, or when they're stressed about anything else that can affect their future.
- If they're having a busy week or month, you should be there to help them out by doing small favors, like picking up lunch or giving them a ride to class, to make their days easier.
7
Be sympathetic. If it means something to them, it should mean something to you. It doesn't matter that you wouldn't be interested in the issue if it weren't for them––a relationship is about sharing experiences and being supportive. When they're upset, try to put yourself in their shoes and understand where they're coming from. Don't just dismiss their feelings because you think it's "not that big of a deal."^{[10]
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- Always confirm that you are listening and sound sincere when you comfort them. If you don't feel like you are genuinely sorry, try to change the way you think. Think about things from their perspective.
- Sometimes, they may just want to cry and to be comforted. Don't try to fix their problems right away. Instead, wait for them to deal with all of their emotions before being practical. If they're upset, it's important to ask, "Do you want to talk about it?" Make them see that you really care. And if they're not ready to talk about it yet, don't pry.

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Showing Affection

1
Show affection often. Show your partner that you love them by being affectionate. Small touches, hugs, a kiss, and maybe a little public display of affection (PDA) are just some of the ways of connecting through affection.^{[11]
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- Don't overdo it––you don't want to make them uncomfortable. Remember to read their signs, and if they're not in the mood, don't kiss them.
- Many times, even a light touch is appreciated. If your partner is a romantic, upon seeing them for the first time in a couple of days, say, "I missed you..." and weave your arms around their hips then give them a loving hug.
- Depending on their preferences, also try giving a light kiss on their lips/cheek/forehead/neck just to show that you really appreciate their presence. Or just kiss their hand by clasping and bringing it up to your lips.
- If you're not sure how your partner feels about public displays of affection, be discreet at first. Believe it or not, not every person is into holding hands.
2
Appreciate their beauty. Give them extra compliments when they make extra efforts to look beautiful, but also make sure they know they can relax and be themself with you. Don't make them feel like they always have to look like a celestial being. You should let them know that they look pretty whether they've spent an hour getting ready or if they've just woken up.^{[12]
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- If they get a new haircut or a new outfit, let them see that you've noticed and let them know that they look amazing.
- Truly appreciating someone's looks isn't as superficial as it may seem, though. When you truly care about someone, they will look beautiful to you no matter the situation. When you feel this way about your partner, let them know.
3
Compliment them sincerely. You should compliment your partner as often as you can without making them feel smothered. Compliment them not only on how they look, but on how they are. That way, they'll know that you care about their appearance and what's on the inside. They are more likely to be confident about themself when you give them reasons to be confident through your compliments.^{[13]
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- Go beyond the ordinary statements. For example, don't just say, "You look nice." Instead, say "That really makes your eyes shine," or "Your haircut really suits the shape of your face." The more specific you are, the more unique and appreciative the compliment.
- Even small, seemingly silly compliments can be meaningful. Saying things like "you really have beautiful handwriting" or "you're awesome at parallel parking" can be confidence-builders, when spoken with sincerity. The also show that you are paying attention to them.
4
Give gifts, at special times and anytime. No healthy relationship can survive on gifts alone, no matter how fancy or expensive they are. However, giving gifts thoughtfully and purposefully can provide lasting demonstrations your interest, attentiveness, and affection.^{[14]
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- Put thought into a birthday, Valentine's Day, Christmas, or anniversary gift, and other special occasions. Choose a gift that is reasonable and thoughtful; it doesn't need to be expensive, just considerate of who they are and their likes.
- Think of special touches, like adding their name to a necklace, or a pendant representing something they care about, such as a snowflake if they love to ski or a musical note if they love to play an instrument, etc.
- Notice their interests when you're out together. They might make mention of something they like in a shop window, or something they wish they could try, like going for a horse ride. Don't just think of tangible items––experience gifts can be far more exciting and fun than a list of things.
- Sometimes, get them a gift "just because." Pick something up out of the blue now and then and give it to them just because your were "thinking of them". This sort of gift has great impact because it's so unexpected and delightful.
5
Sprinkle your relationship with doses of spontaneity. While familiarity is one of the most comforting aspects of a relationship, try not to fall into a rut of always doing the same things. While you probably have one or two regular things you enjoy doing together, avoid making the regular the only things you do.^{[15]
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- Instead, try visiting new places, giving new activities a go and going to different parts of town. Even if the new activities don't turn out the way you'd hoped, at least you've shared the experience and are getting to know one another even better.
- By mixing things up, you keep the excitement in your relationship and make your outings together refreshing. You are also creating memories together that will endure well beyond the experiences.
- Surprise your partner by doing something offbeat now and then -- this could include anything from racing your partner to your walking destination, dancing without music, or even bringing them a tub of Lego bricks and encouraging them to build something that represents the two of you.
- Take a surprise trip. You can pick a location in advance and just tell them what to pack without saying where you're going. Of course, use your best judgment about their preferences. Perhaps they'll love the mystery and excitement of going to an unknown location, perhaps not.
- If they've mentioned the fact that they've never checked out a national park or quirky town not too far from where you live, take them there without telling them where you're going. They'll love the spontaneity and the fact that you took the time to listen to them.
6
Take care of yourself. Let your partner feel like they are needed, helpful, and appreciated, but don't be overly needy or dependent. Be hygienic and neat, set goals, and work hard. You can't be a good boyfriend if you're not taking responsibility for yourself.^{[16]
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- Take pride in your appearance, and in how you present yourself to the world. Making yourself look good (both in actual appearance and, more importantly, by how you conduct yourself) makes them look good too, and they will appreciate that.
- They won't have fun in the relationship if they feel like they're always nagging you to do one thing or another. They want to take care of you, but they don't want to be your mother.
7
Give them (and yourself) some individual space. Just because they your significant other, it doesn't mean they are yours, implying some kind of ownership. You don't have to be attached at the hip to have a great relationship. In fact, if you let them pursue their own interests without checking in every five seconds, they'll like you even more.^{[17]
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- Find a balance that lets you both spend some time alone, spend time with your individual friends, and spend time with each other.
- Spending time with your separate friends will make you appreciate each other even more when you see each other again.
- Maintaining different social schedules will also give you something to "report back" when you are together again.
- Maintain some separate interests as well. Keep up your hobbies, sports and other interests that you had before each of you met. Though it'll be great to find an activity that you both like together, you shouldn't force them to watch football with you if they don't want to, and you shouldn't have to go to yoga with them unless it's something you want to try.
- Maintaining your separate interests will help you maintain a sense of individuality, and to grow separately so that you can grow together in love and have a perfect relationship in the end.

Help Being a Good Boyfriend

Sample Budget Date Ideas

Sample Gift Ideas for Girlfriend

Expert Q&A

Question

What are the qualities of a good boyfriend?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

A good boyfriend listens, talks, offers support, and compliments, among other things. He does not have to be perfect, but he needs to be well-intentioned and open to communication.
Question

How can I be the best boyfriend?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

You can be a really good boyfriend by tuning in to your partner and considering their interests, needs, and wishes. Make sure it is not all about you!
Question

How can I be a romantic boyfriend?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

You can be romantic by doing some of the special little things that your partner enjoys, like giving them a special dessert, a flower, and other small surprise gifts here and there. Definitely remember their birthday!

Warnings

Never tell them about something you almost did for them and then ended up not doing for whatever reason. Like saying "I thought about getting you this gift, but changed my mind" or "I was going to take the day off work to spend it with you and then decided it was a bad idea." They will not think you were thoughtful––she will think you decided they weren't worth it.

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Do not say or do things you'll regret, because you'll be in a very bad situation. If you know you are going to explode and say some regrettable things to them, the best thing to do is leave them alone. Then, text them in a couple of hours to see if they're alright and talk to them.

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Don't be too clingy. They want their personal space just as much as you do. If they want to hang out with their friends or do something other than hanging out with you, let them.

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Never hold their family's actions against them. No one can help what their family does or says. You can share with them that it bothers you what someone might have done or said but leave it alone after that.

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If your partner sees you doing something that can be easily misinterpreted in a bad way, don't say "This isn't what you think" or "This isn't what it looks like." Hold their hand (they will usually try to pull away) then look their in the eye and tell them you love them, and that they are the only one for you, and then explain that it really wasn't what it looked like.

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When they're angry, NEVER shout back at them! Calm them down and address the situation in a civil manner. This will keep everything under control and will help you to sort out the problems with less conflict.

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Don't embarrass them. Most people get embarrassed if you talk about undergarments, hygiene, making love, and so forth, in public. Remember, those sorts of things may be attractive to you, but to them, they may be something they don't want to talk about in public. Also, never tell a funny story about them without their consent, especially if they try to stop you, do not continue. This will hurt their feelings, as it shows them that impressing your friends and making them laugh is more important to you than them not having to feel stupid.

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Never force them into doing things like sex and other sexual acts and respect their boundaries. If you want to have sex, ask them first and if they say no, respect their wishes. Having sex with someone against their will is rape and is a criminal offence. It could land you in prison for life. Also, never feel pressured into doing it. You're ready when you're ready, and that time is different for everyone.

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Never get into an abusive relationship, whether you're the one being abused or you're abusing them. An abusive relationship is when one person has an unhealthy amount of control over the other in a relationship. The abuser does this in several different ways, including physically harming the other person (violence) and controlling what the other person wears, says and where he/she goes. This is a criminal offence and if this is the case then the relationship is toxic. Leave the relationship and if they are putting you in danger, call the police. Remember that girls can abuse guys as well. If you are the one abusing them, you should also leave the relationship and apologise to them. If you are abusing them, then clearly you are not ready for a relationship.

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