How to Be a Good Listener to Your Family

Communication is important for strong family relationships. However, if you don't truly listen to others, it can be difficult to communicate. Working on your listening skills can help you communicate better and form stronger bonds. Make sure to listen actively. Show that you're listening with non-verbal cues and ask clarifying questions. When it's your turn to talk, acknowledge what the speaker has said by reflecting and commenting on it. Avoid negative habits, like interrupting, to help conversations run smoothly.

Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Listening Actively

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    Stay in the present. When listening to a family member, do not let your mind wander to other things. It's important to strive to stay in the present to make your family member feel heard and valued.[1]
    • Avoid distractions when talking to a family member. Put your phone away and give them your full attention.
    • Never think about other things when someone is talking. Instead, focus only on what's being said. If you feel your mind wandering, return your thoughts to the speakers words.
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    Focus on the speaker's words and not what you'll say next. When talking to someone, you often are focusing on what you're going to say next. This tendency can can get more intense when talking to a family member. If you're, say, discussing a family problem or disagreement, you may be eager to share your thoughts. However, do not think about how you feel or wish to respond. Focus only on the speaker and their thoughts and opinions on the matter.[2]
    • You can think of how you will respond later. Now, pay attention to what is being said. Make understanding your family member's perspective your priority.
    • Remember, you will be better equipped to think of a thoughtful response if you actually understand what's being said. Communication will be better overall if you are able to truly understand the other person's point of view.
    • Make sure that you really hear what they're saying. You can even summarize what they've said, rather than adding your own thoughts right away. You could say, "It's sounds like you're worried about your test results, even though the doctor says everything will be okay."
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    Show you're listening using non-verbal cues. You want the speaker to feel valued. Make sure to show you're listening. You can convey you're paying attention via non-verbal cues. Nod as the speaker talks, smiles and laugh when appropriate, and maintain eye contact.[3]
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    Make sure the speaker has finished talking before you talk. It's okay to embrace a pause. A couple of seconds of silence in a conversation is not a bad thing, and allows the speaker a chance to fully express themselves. Instead of immediately launching into your response, pause for a moment after the speaker finishes talking. This will allow you to make sure they're completely finished talking.[4]
    • People have a natural tendency to pause when they speak. If you notice the speaker has paused, do not assume they're done talking. Give them a few seconds before you respond.
    • If the speaker does not start talking again after a few seconds have passed, it's safe to assume they've finished talking.
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    Ask questions for clarification. Part of listening is understanding. If there's anything the speaker said you did not understand, ask. When someone finishes talking, ask for clarification if necessary. This will convey you are truly listening to your family member and value their perspective.[5]
    • Ask questions that encourage open discussion. For example, "What do you think of the situation?" and "Where do you think we should go from here?"
    • Avoid asking "why" questions. These can come off as judgmental and make the speaker feel defensive. For example, don't ask, "Why did you decide to take that job?" Instead ask, "How did you come to that decision?"
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Communicating Effectively

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    Restate what has been said. Briefly summarizing what the speaker has said can go a long way towards effective communication. Everyone wants to feel valued and heard, so reiterating a family member's point can convey you were listening. It can also give the family member in question a chance to hear your interpretation of your words, and clarify as necessary.[6]
    • Try to briefly paraphrase what you heard when the speaker finishes. For example, "So, it sounds to me like you're a little frustrated with mom right now because you feel like she's not treating you like an adult."
    • This can help you make sure you understood the speaker. It will really show you're listening and allow you and your family to communicate better.
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    Help family members summarize their experiences. You want to help someone figure what they're feeling and why. After listening, try to help your family member summarize their experience.[7]
    • For example, start with something like, "Okay, let me make sure I'm clear on what you're saying."
    • Then, ask questions to help your family member frame their experience. For example, "You're upset that mom gives unsolicited advice on your car insurance. How would you say you feel about that? I'm sensing frustration." Helping a family member put a label on their feelings can help them better understand a situation.
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    Reflect on what's been said. After allowing a family member to talk, reflect briefly on the subject. Try to figure out not just what's being said, but why it matters. For example, say things like "I feel like this is really important to you" or "I'm getting a sense this is something we should all talk about as a family."[8]
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    Use "I"-statements when it's your turn to talk. Family situations can be complicated. You may sometimes disagree or take issue with what's being said. When disagreements arise, use "I"-statements. These minimize objective blame as they place the focus on your personal feelings over an objective assessment.[9]
    • An "I"-statement has three parts. It begins with "I feel..." after which you immediately state your feelings. Then, you state what led to those feelings. Finally, you explain why you feel the way you do.
    • If you disagree with a family member, avoid framing your feelings in a judgmental manner. For example, "Mom is just trying to help and you know you've had problems with money in the past. You're really frustrating me."
    • Instead, reframe that sentiment using an "I"-statement. For example, "I feel frustrated because you're angry at mom when she's just trying to help because I think her concerns are legitimate and she does care about you."
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    Accept you don't always have to solve someone's problems. With family, you're often inclined to help. However, you can't solve another person's problems. Oftentimes, a family member just wants someone listen and empathize. Allow the person to talk and resist the urge to jump in and provide your two cents on the issue.[10]
    • You could ask a reflexive question. For example, "Do you think it was possible that she was just concerned?"
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Avoiding Negative Habits

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    Do not interrupt. Interrupting can put the breaks on effective conversation. Always allow a few seconds of silence after someone finishes talking before offering your response. This allows you to make sure the speaker is done talking.[11]
    • Do not talk over someone either. No matter how passionately you feel about a subject, do not start talking until the other person has finished.
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    Refrain from offering advice. Unless you are explicitly asked, do not offer advice. Unsolicited advice can make it seem like you're not really listening. You're only hearing what you want, and offering advice in response. If someone just wants to talk, refrain from trying to tell them what to do.[12]
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    Do not change the subject prematurely. Never change the subject before the speaker has gotten their words out. Even if a subject makes you uncomfortable, it's important you let the speaker express themselves.[13]
    • If there's family drama, you may be tempted to hurry the speaker. For example, if they talk about how you talked to your father last week, you may start talking about something you saw on TV that night.
    • Avoid doing this. Part of communicating with your family is talking about difficult subjects at times. You need to allow conversations to flow where they will, even if a topic upsets you.
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    Avoid hurrying the speaker. Never rush the person talking. Do not interject with your interpretation before the speaker is finished just to hurry the speaker along. Never say things like, "Can you get to the point?" This will make it seem like you're not invested in the conversation.[14]
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    Refrain from judgment. Even if you're frustrated or angry with someone, try to cultivate empathy when listening. Try to understand how the person feels and why. It's never a good idea to listen with judgment, as this will reduce your ability to fully communicate. Even if you disagree with someone's actions or opinions, avoid judgment.[15]
    • It's helpful to hear the other person out, as it will help you better understand where they're coming from.
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Expert Q&A

  • Question
    How can I make my child a better listener?
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Expert Answer
    Ask your child to repeat or rephrase what you just asked of them. See if they can repeat it. If they can't remember, say it again then ask them to repeat it again. Give them positive feedback when they nail it.
  • Question
    How can I be a good relationship listener?
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Expert Answer
    In a relationship, it is important to hear one another. Give the other person feedback on what they said. Let them know that they have your support. Encourage them to talk when they have something on their mind.
  • Question
    How do you become a supportive listener?
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Expert Answer
    Make sure that you listen about as much as you talk. Don't let it be one-sided in either direction. Being supportive also means trusting that the other person can also be there for you. It is a give and take.
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References

  1. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/14/habits-of-good-listeners_n_5668590.html
  2. ↑ http://calebstorkey.com/listening-skills-11-steps-to-become-a-good-listener/
  3. ↑ http://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/listening-skills.html
  4. ↑ http://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/listening-skills.html
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-face-adversity/201111/being-good-listener
  6. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/become-a-better-listener-active-listening/
  7. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/become-a-better-listener-active-listening/
  8. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/become-a-better-listener-active-listening/
  9. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/become-a-better-listener-active-listening/
  1. ↑ http://health.usnews.com/health-news/health-wellness/articles/2013/08/21/how-to-be-a-good-listener
  2. ↑ http://health.usnews.com/health-news/health-wellness/articles/2013/08/21/how-to-be-a-good-listener
  3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-eight-habits-of-lousy-listeners/
  4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-eight-habits-of-lousy-listeners/
  5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-eight-habits-of-lousy-listeners/
  6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-eight-habits-of-lousy-listeners/

About This Article

Klare Heston, LCSW
Co-authored by:
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
This article was co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR). This article has been viewed 46,924 times.
29 votes - 84%
Co-authors: 11
Updated: May 3, 2021
Views: 46,924
Categories: Family Life | Listening Skills
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