How to Break Up with a Long Distance Girlfriend

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Last Updated: July 29, 2022 References

So you're in a long distance relationship, and you're thinking of breaking up? Whether long distance or not, breaking up can be hard. Evaluate your reasons for breaking up. Think about how your girlfriend may react. Be mindful of her feelings, particularly if you have been dating for a while. Break ups by text, chat, or email may feel heartless, so be careful in how you handle yourself. While breaking up is always an awkward and uneasy thing, it is important to be respectful.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Ending the Relationship

1
Be kind and honest. While you may not like your girlfriend anymore, there is still common decency to consider. Treat her as you would like to be treated if the roles were reversed. Maybe you've been dumped before and it felt horrible. Try to avoid making the same mistakes.
- It is important to be clear and direct without giving mixed messages. For example, consider saying, "I'm sorry but this isn't working anymore. I did care for you very much, but I don't think we should see each other anymore."
- Be truthful with your reasons for breaking up. If it's that you're headed in different directions, then say so. If you have lost interest in the relationship, then say so. Just make sure to be kind, and say some words that show there were good times in the relationship too.
- "I think we both want different things. I genuinely care about you, but I don't think we're compatible."
2
Listen to her side of the story. Your girlfriend may be shocked, heartbroken, or possibly understanding. It could be a combination of all or none of these emotions. By talking with her in real time, either over the phone or in person, you give her a chance to say what she needs to say.
- Avoid getting into an argument at this point. If you have decided to break up with your girlfriend, you don't need to have this conversation blow up into a blame game.^{[1]
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- Be open to listening. Avoid ending the conversation abruptly after you have said that you wanted to break up. Give her time to think and process what is happening.
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3
Consider breaking up by video chat or phone. The financial cost of meeting up in person or timing issues can make phone or video chat a good way to have a breakup conversation. This way you can still have a conversation that allows both sides to interact at the same time. There will be less miscommunication than if you try to break up by email or text.
- Schedule a time to call or chat when both of you are free to talk for an hour.
- Consider a format that is most comfortable for you, but also allows for real-time, voice interaction.
4
Avoid using text, chat, email, or other non-direct modes. While you may be used to texting, chatting, or emailing your girlfriend, this is a less personal form of communication. With a break up, it's important to take action in a personal, kind, and clear way.^{[2]
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- Texting back and forth about breaking up will likely feel heartless to your girlfriend. In terms of break up etiquette, it will feel like the relationship wasn't even that important.
- While ending a relationship via text after two or three dates may be fine, if you and your girlfriend have been exclusive and dating for many months, then avoid this way of breaking up.
5
Break up in person if possible. This may be trickier if you live 2,000 miles (3,000 km) away or are in another country. But if your long distance relationship has been for over a year or more, and you are able to drive to see your girlfriend, then a break up in person is a more respectable option.^{[3]
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- Breaking up in person shows courage rather than cowardice, and shows that you take this relationship seriously--even the breaking up part.
- Meeting in person may be more uncomfortable but it can give your girlfriend a better sense of what you're feeling in terms of body language, your words, and your physical presence.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Establishing Boundaries After a Break Up

1
Talk about boundaries of communication after the break up. You may say to your girlfriend, "Let's stay friends," but this could send mixed signals to your girlfriend. If she is still interested in a relationship with you, she may read this as an opportunity to get back together later.^{[4]
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Research source} Instead, try saying something like, “I think that we should stop communicating for now, but maybe we can be friends after we have both moved on a few years from now. For now though, I do not think we should communicate by phone, online, or in person.”
- Some relationships end well and amicably. Think about how you and your girlfriend are ending yours.
- If you and your girlfriend are already living long distance from each other, there is a better chance that you won't run into each other on a regular basis. But think about how much you want her to interact with you online or via Facebook.
2
Tie up loose ends in your relationship. If you and your girlfriend had been arranging plans to see each other again soon, you may have made purchases or arrangements that need to be addressed. You may also have items that belong to your girlfriend. While you may not be able to tie up these loose ends right after breaking up, be mindful of your part in any pre-made plans.
- Honor any obligations you have to cancel arrangements or pay back any money owed.
- If you have items that your girlfriend would like back, be respectful and return things promptly that belong to her.
- If there are things that are jointly owned, then consider another conversation with your girlfriend after the break up to discuss these items.
3
Let go of guilt, shame, or frustration. Before a break up, you may be worried about telling her. After a break up, you may feel guilt or anxiety about what just happened. It is normal to feel worried about hurting someone's feelings, as well as the guilt afterwards. These feelings will pass with time.^{[5]
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- Understand that is better to make a clean break, rather than to have a relationship drag on when you are feeling unhappy or miserable.
- With long distance relationships, it's important to see this as an opportunity for growth, change, and renewal. If you have been unhappy in a long distance relationship, you may feel some relief.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Evaluating Your Reasons for Breaking Up

1
Assess if you look forward to seeing your girlfriend next. Do your visits with your long distance girlfriend feel fun and interesting, or like an obligation? If you are not looking forward to future visits with your girlfriend, this is a major sign that the relationship may not be working.^{[6]
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- If making plans to see each other feels like a chore, then a long distance relationship may not be the best.
2
Compare your values with her values. Sometimes relationships do not work out because your values and goals are not compatible with the other person's values and goals. It's okay to have some differences, but major differences like different religious beliefs, life goals, or other important things may interfere with a harmonious relationship. If you find that you are often fighting because you value different things, then this might be a sign that the relationship will not work out.
- For example, if you value time with family and friends more than money and professional success, then this could be a problem if your girlfriend is really focused on her career right now. Or, if one of you wants kids and the other one does not, then this could cause serious problems down the road.
- Try making a list of values, beliefs, and goals that you have in common with your girlfriend, and a separate list of values, beliefs, and goals that you do not have in common. If the list of things you do not have in common is longer than the list of things you do have in common, then this may be a reason to break it off.
3
Figure out if the relationship is holding you back. If you're finding yourself interested in someone else, then consider if this long distance relationship is working. Long distance relationships can require a bit more commitment, so be aware of whether this type of relationship is right for you.
- You may feel torn if she was your high school sweetheart, and now you're finding new love interests in college. Avoid cheating on your girlfriend as an "out" from the relationship. If you find yourself thinking more about someone else than your girlfriend, talk with your girlfriend first.
- Avoid hurting your girlfriend's feelings further by lying or covering up about what's bothering you.
4
Evaluate if your lives are heading in very different directions. Sometimes your life gets in the way of love. If you've been dating your girlfriend for a few months, and now are back to your different lives in different cities, the passion and desire to continue this relationship may have changed.^{[7]
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- You may find after dating long distance for a few months that you and your girlfriend are actually headed in very different directions. Maybe the support she needs is different from what you can offer.
- For example, let's say you were dating for the summer, and now that school has started again you're in different cities, at different schools, and have different commitments to work or activities. You may feel less connected to your girlfriend now that you have some distance and are back to focusing on your studies and spending time with friends.
5
Identify if the long-distance routine is getting too difficult. Do you feel like you're communicating less and less with your girlfriend? Do you feel like scheduling calls and frequent weekend trips is just too much? It may be time to talk with your girlfriend about this.^{[8]
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- A long distance relationship, after only knowing your girlfriend for a few months, is likely to be very difficult.
- Be mindful that if you've been dating your girlfriend for a year or more, then you need to assess if it is the long distance part that is the difficulty, the relationship itself, or both.

Expert Q&A

Question

Is it OK to take a break in a long distance relationship?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Relationship Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Relationship Therapist

Expert Answer

Yes! Giving back to your community by volunteering or doing charity work can help you recover from your break up.