How to Break Up with Someone Who Just Doesn't Get It

Be sure that you've worked through your anger, as outlined in the previous section. If you're angry, it can be hard to break up firmly but kindly and you really don't want emotions leading the breakup because that leaves you open to persuasion to not break up. After getting yourself some space, you can wait until you've forgiven them. Try to understand things from their point of view. Think about how much you loved/love them. Consider that this is going to hurt them too, maybe even more than you.

• That said, don't let guilt change your mind. If you want to break up, if you can't see it working anymore, don't let the guilt of hurting them hurt you more. You must take care of yourself first.

Talk to your partner about what has led to this. Refer to the problems, not the personality. Tell them the reasons why the relationship just doesn't work from your perspective. If you still love them, tell them that, it lessens the pain, but be honest. You are breaking up; you don't have to hold your tongue anymore. Tell them the truth about why you were unhappy. Perhaps they will learn from the experience and change for future relationships.

Confirm the breakup with firmness. It is necessary to get the point across to them, so they know it's over. Do it gently, preferably right after the talk, but be firm. Let them know there is no more chances and that it is done. Whatever you say ought to make it clear as to how much you've thought things through. This isn't a spur of the moment decision, it's deeply considered, and this goes to helping your partner realize that you're not going to back down. For example:^[4]

• "I have had a long think about the possibility of us staying together and I just can't see us together in the future. I don't see us sharing the same interests, I don't see us following the same trajectory. I really have thought hard about this because I do care about you, but I just don't consider that we're compatible enough to stay together as a couple."

Be ready for the possible responses to your firm breakup speech. Things that you may confront include:

• They cry a great deal. This is hard and hugging is okay but nothing more intimate. Don't give in––tears are cathartic and a great form of release, so this is good for them even though it seems awful at the time. Reassure them that they'll be okay because they will be.
• They may get angry and shout and call you names. Stay calm and focused on why this is over. Say things such as "I am sorry you feel so upset, I know this isn't easy, but it is over", or "I can understand why you're angry, but anger won't mend what is already broken." In some cases, it's best to say nothing more than "Let's discuss this when you feel less upset. We can't decide anything while you're feeling this way."
• They may express relief. This may surprise you, but many people know when the breakup is about to happen, they've sensed it, they know it's on the cards, especially if you've already asked for time out to think. And in that time, they may have reached their own conclusion that it's not worth persevering but didn't want to be the one to initiate the breakup. Don't respond as if you're disappointed with their relief––this is a good outcome for both of you!

Reiterate your reasons for the breakup if needed. Maybe the person needs to hear it again, through the tears, shock, or anger. That's okay, it reinforces the message and leaves less room for error. Just continue to be gentle and caring, as you would be with any human being you're talking to. There is absolutely no need to be mean or furious, and every reason to be gentle and considerate; this is a hurtful thing to happen but that doesn't undermine the fact it remains an essential thing to do.^[5]

• Your partner may keep on saying over and over: "I just don't understand why you'd do this to me." At this point, you can gently let them know that you're not doing it to hurt them, that it is about you realizing that you cannot be a part of a relationship that isn't feeling right to you, that it's about your feelings of incompatibility. Help them to understand that this isn't an act directed at them personally, that they're still a terrific person who deserves a relationship with someone who matches them precisely.

Move on.^[6] Here comes the hard part. Do not remain in contact with your partner over anything other than having them collect their stuff or return things to you. Do not connect via online sites, do not connect via phone or email. Here are some other aspects to consider:^[7]

• If they keep sending you texts, emails, messages, notes, whatever, then do not respond. It will only give a persistent person hope that there is an opening to get back together again.
• If they make use of friends, family, and anyone else to get to you, tell such people firmly that you still care about the well-being of this person but that the intimate relationship aspect is definitely over and that you'd appreciate these people not trying to fix what is essentially your own personal life and choices.
• If there are children involved, communicate strictly only about the needs of the children. Continue to see your children or share access to them without entering into discussions about your former love life with your partner. Do not use or allow your partner to use the children as go-between messengers.
• Remember—it's very, very normal to feel sad, depressed, or anxious after a breakup. Don't be afraid to reach out to friends, family members, or a therapist to get support and talk about your feelings.^[8] Putting a support system in place is vital to your healing process.^[9]

Be kind to your former partner. Send their things on to them or let them collect these things without being mean about it. You loved this person once, there is no need to smash their record collection or rip up all their photos in a fit of rage. If the relationship was abusive, unkind, or unfaithful, dispose of any memento or image items quickly and quietly without a fuss (a calm ritual is okay) ––remember that this is about your karma too and that while voodooing and burning your ex's items might cause you to feel great in the moment, it feeds the anger. Let go to be happy and treat your former partner as a fellow human being who can go about their life without you now. Best of all, if you don't wreck their goods, back account or anything else they value, there is even less reason for them to keep annoying you or worst still, sue you, which are just more means to keep in touch. Yes, you may be surprised to learn that suing people is a really good way to stay in communication, albeit angrily. Let go in order to be set free yourself.^[10]

Have others intervene on your behalf if your ex won't stop calling and contacting you. It may be helpful to have friends, family and others inform this person that you really won't respond and that you really meant the breakup when it happened. Sometimes it takes a third party spelling it out to clarify that the relationship truly has ended. It may seem callous but realize that you have already done your best to end things with this person.