How to Break Up With Someone Who Is Threatening Suicide

Co-authored by Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S

Last Updated: February 14, 2023 References

Breaking up is hard enough under normal circumstances, and if your soon-to-be-ex is threatening to hurt or kill themselves, ending the relationship can seem impossible. It's important to realize that someone who threatens suicide after a breakup is emotionally blackmailing you.^{[1]
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Research source} Their threats might make you feel guilty, scared, or angry, but you can (and should) still end things with them. There are a few ways you can minimize their risk of hurting themselves in the process. Start by having an honest talk with the person. Throughout the breakup, be mindful of their safety as well as your own, and don't forget to take care of your emotional health.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Talking with the Person

1
Emphasize that you care about the other person.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 23 March 2022.} Tell your boyfriend or girlfriend that they are still important to you, even though you're breaking up. Let them know that you don't want them to hurt themselves.
- Say something like, “I still really care about you, and I'm sorry this is so hard for you.” You might also say, "It hurts me to hear you say you'll hurt yourself. Even though our relationship isn't working out, I still believe you are a wonderful person."
- Understand that they may not believe you when you say this. Let them know what you are willing to do for them, but do not feel pressured to do something you're not comfortable with.
2
Avoid getting into an argument. Don't challenge or argue with your boyfriend or girlfriend about their suicide threats. If they feel like you aren't taking them seriously, they may hurt themselves just to prove you wrong.
- For instance, avoid saying something like, “You don't really mean that,” or, “You're just saying that to make me feel bad.” Instead, you might say, "I'm sorry that you are thinking this way."
- You can also avoid an argument by using "I" statements, such as "I am unhappy in this relationship" rather than "You don't make me happy," which may make the person defensive.^{[3]
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- Keep your tone of voice soft and low. Maintain open body language with your arms and legs relaxed at your sides. When you raise your voice and use intimidating body language (e.g. crossed arms or balled fists), an argument is more likely to occur.
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3
Maintain your boundaries. Let your boyfriend or girlfriend know that you're not going to change your mind.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 23 March 2022.} Restate the reason why you want to break up. Be as kind as you can, but don't be wishy-washy.^{[5]
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- You could say something like, “I can't sacrifice my long-term goals to stay in this relationship, even though I think you're a great person with a lot to offer.”
4
Remind the person that their choices are their own. Tell your boyfriend or girlfriend that you can't control whether they kill themselves or not. Don't let them push the blame onto you.^{[6]
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- For instance, if your soon-to-be ex says, “When I'm gone, it will be your fault,” you could reply, “I don't want you to kill yourself, but that's your choice to make, not mine. I can't control what you do.”
5
Tell the person they are defined by more than a relationship with you. Remind your boyfriend or girlfriend of their good qualities, their talents, and their interests. Tell them they don't need another person to define or complete them.^{[7]
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- For example, say something like, “I know it's hard to think about now, but you're a lot more than just half of our relationship. You're going to go to veterinary school and do good things with your life. In time, you'll even be happy with somebody else.”
- Remind them that other people care about them too. When you do this, list specific people who can support them during this time.
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Help the person find the resources they need.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 23 March 2022.} Find a suicide hotline that your boyfriend or girlfriend can call for support. Encourage them to talk to a therapist or counselor, and help them find contact information for mental health services in your area.^{[9]
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- In the U.S., the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline can be reached at 988. This hotline is free, confidential, and staffed around the clock.^{[10]
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  988lifeline.org} This number can also be reached via text.
- Crisischat.org is an online text-based alternative to phone hotlines. Trained experts are available from 2 PM to 2 AM, Monday through Sunday.
- Wikipedia has a list of suicide crisis lines for countries outside the U.S.^{[11]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Keeping Everyone Safe

1
Take the person's threat seriously. Don't ignore your boyfriend or girlfriend's threat or assume they're bluffing. They could be, but it's always better to be safe than sorry. Assume they are serious and act accordingly.^{[12]
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- If you the person makes vague threats of suicide, offer to take them to the local emergency room or call/text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988.
- Call a friend or family member to come be with the person.^{[13]
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  National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
  Suicide prevention network operating a toll-free 24/7 hotline for anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts or emotional distress
  Go to source}
- Don't leave them unsupervised, but don't think you have to be the one with them. You don't want them to think that suicide threats are the only way to get your attention.
2
Call 911 in an emergency. If you think your boyfriend or girlfriend is in immediate danger of hurting themselves or someone else, call the police immediately. Don't worry about whether you might have misread the situation – it's always better err here on the side of safety.^{[14]
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- Try to find out their location before you call the police. Do not let them know that you are calling the police when you do so. This will help the police reach them in a timely manner.
3
Alert the person's family or friends. If you are fearful of your partner's safety, make sure someone will look out for your ex after you break things off. Contact one or two of their family members, friends, or roommates, and tell them about your concerns. Ask them to be present in the household so they can offer extra support after the breakup.^{[15]
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- Say something like, “Hey, I know this isn't a fun thing to talk about, but I'm going to break up with Emily tonight. She's threatening to hurt herself, and I'm worried. Will you come over so she has support once I leave?”
- Avoid leaving until others have arrived so that you can be sure the person is safe.
- Choose people you know are close to your soon-to-be-ex boyfriend or girlfriend.
4
Get to a safe place if you feel endangered. Sometimes threats of self-harm can be a sign that a person has a bigger problem with violence. If you feel threatened at any point during your breakup, leave the situation. Finish breaking up on the phone if you need to.^{[16]
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- If your boyfriend or girlfriend has a history of violence, break up with them over the phone or in a public place.
- Put your own safety first in a dangerous situation, even if you're afraid for the other person.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Dealing with Your Emotions

1
Remind yourself why the breakup is necessary. If you feel your resolve wavering, remember that no good will come out of staying in an unhealthy relationship. You'll only feel trapped and resentful if you stay. Someone who tries to manipulate you by threatening self-harm will eventually find other ways to manipulate you, too.^{[17]
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2
Avoid holding yourself responsible for whatever the person does. Your boyfriend or girlfriend is putting you in a terrible emotional position by threatening suicide if you break up, but that doesn't make their actions your fault. Remind yourself that they are their own person. You can't control them or make decisions for them.^{[18]
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Trustworthy Source
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse
Go to source}
- If you are struggling with guilt after the breakup, it may be helpful to talk to a counselor.
3
Make the breakup final. After you end the relationship, move on and don't look back. Avoid getting back together with your ex, even if you miss them. Both of you need time and space to grieve the loss of the relationship, and dragging the breakup process out will only make healing more difficult for both of you.^{[19]
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- You should remove them from your social media profiles.
- Ask mutual friends not to talk to you about your ex.
- If you need to communicate with your ex, choose one way that they can reach you, such as by text or by email.
4
Rely on your friends and family for support. You do not have to go through this breakup alone. Reach out to friends and family members for help and support. Ask them if they are willing to talk with you when you are feeling down. If you have second thoughts, they can convince you that breaking up is for the best.

Expert Q&A

Question

Is it okay to break up with someone because of mental health?

Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S
Licensed Professional Counselor
Rachel Eddins is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Executive Director of Eddins Counseling Group. With more than 20 years of experience, she specializes in working with clients with eating disorders, anxiety and depression, relationship issues, and career obstacles. Rachel earned a BA in Psychology from The University of Texas at Austin and an MEd in Counseling from The University of Houston. She received a Group Psychotherapist Certification from the American Group Psychotherapy Association and an Intuitive Eating Counselor Certification through Intuitive Eating Pros. She is also recognized as a Master Career Counselor through the National Career Development Association.

Rachel Eddins, M.Ed., LPC-S

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Yes, it is. This is a very challenging situation, and you may feel afraid for your partner. However, you cannot make anyone feel or do anything, as you only have control over yourself. Threats are typically a means of control or emotional abuse, which is not a healthy behavior pattern in a relationship.