How to Comfort a Man

Co-authored by Donna Novak, Psy.D and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: September 11, 2021 References

If a man in your life is having a tough time, it can be hard to know how to comfort him without being overbearing. No matter what he’s feeling, respecting his boundaries and listening when he talks are great ways to get him to open up to you. With these tips and tricks, you can help a man feel better by supporting him in the way that works best for him.

1

Know how men tend to respond to stress.

Men sometimes deal with stress in specific ways. A man may isolate or withdraw when he's stressed. For example, he may start watching TV more than usual, turn to alcohol, or visit the gym for hours at a time to relieve his stress. However he responds to stress, remember, every man is different. Some possible ways that a man may respond to stress are:^{[1]
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- Avoiding situations. He may try to stay away from places or people that trigger his stress.
- Creating problems to mask stress. Although counterproductive, a man may create problems to avoid the real issue or to have a greater sense of control.
- Being angry. Men tend to express anger more easily than other emotions since it is more socially accepted. He may become easily frustrated or start to yell.
- Blaming others. Because men tend to externalize, a man may blame others for his problems to avoid the feelings of stress.
- Increasing physical activity. A man may begin to exercise more, play sports, or engage in other physical activities to release tension.

2

Tell him it’s okay not to feel okay.

Let him know that his feelings are valid. Reassure him that he’s allowed to experience any emotions, even if it’s sadness or anger. There are no good or bad feelings, so he shouldn’t feel ashamed.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 31 December 2020.}
- Say something like, “Getting fired is really tough, and I don’t blame you for feeling scared and angry. I’m here for you no matter what.”
- Or, “Losing a parent is really difficult. I hope you feel like you can let your emotions out around me.”

3

Offer your support.

Let him know you’re here for him if he needs you. You can simply say that you’re here if he needs to talk so he knows you’re available without pressuring him into anything. This will also assure him that he can count on you as a source of relief, even if he’s not ready to tell you what happened yet.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 31 December 2020.}
- You might say something like: “I’ve noticed you seem a little preoccupied lately. I’m here if you want to talk about anything.”
- Or, “You seem a little distracted tonight. Is there anything you want to talk about?”

4

Listen carefully when he talks.

He may or may not choose to tell you what’s on his mind. If he does, though, be sure you’re actively listening by making eye contact, nodding your head, and asking follow-up questions. Try to avoid offering solutions or giving advice, unless he asks you to.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 31 December 2020.}
- You can say something like, “I’m sorry your brother said that to you. How did that make you feel?” Or, “Have you talked to your boss about what happened?”
- Try not to say things like “you’ll get over it” or “don’t worry about it,” since these can make him feel like you’re downplaying his feelings.
- If he doesn’t want to talk, just sit with him quietly. A gentle question or two might help, but don’t push him to talk if he doesn’t want to.

5

Give him a hug.

Physical affection is a great way to comfort someone if you two are close. If your boyfriend, husband, or close friend is crying, reach out and hug them tightly. If you don’t know the person very well (like a coworker or an acquaintance), you can simply reach out and touch their arm or ask if they’d like a hug.^{[5]
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- Not everyone is super into hugs, and that’s okay. If you know he isn’t a fan of physical affection, ask him if he'd be comfortable with a hug.

6

Point out his strengths.

Remind him of his value by bringing up things he’s good at. Giving him unconditional positive regard will reassure him that he can count on you even when he’s not feeling his best. Let him know that you admire him and appreciate all of the good in him.
- You could say something like, “I know you’re not feeling great right now, so I just wanted to remind you how much I appreciate you and your handyman skills. You’re always so great at fixing things around the house.”
- Or, “You’re such a supportive husband and a great father to our kids. Even when you’re not feeling your best, I know I can count on you.”
- Or, “We’ve been friends for 10 years now, and I’ve really appreciated having you in my life. You’ve helped me through so much, so I hope I can do the same for you.”
- Talk about past times he's been able to get through things or past times he's succeeded.^{[6]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Donna Novak, Psy.D
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 31 December 2020.}

7

Send him a nice text.

If you can’t be there in person, reach out through the phone. Send him a text that says “Thinking of you” or “Hope you’re doing well.” Even if he doesn’t respond, he’ll probably be thankful that you reached out.^{[7]
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- You could also say something like, “I know you’re having a hard time right now, and I just want you to know I’m here for you. Text or call me if you need anything.”
- Or, “I heard about what was going on at work, that really sucks man. Let me know if you wanna talk.”

8

Do an extra chore around the house.

Show him you care by taking care of his responsibilities. If it’s his turn to do the dishes, offer to do them so he doesn’t have to. If he needs to run errands after work, see if you can take care of them. Little things like this will show him that he can lean on you for support.^{[8]
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- Letting him relax on his own can give him time to work through his emotions if he needs to.

9

Make him his favorite meal.

Offer stress relief with some comfort food. Pick up ingredients for his favorite dinner or dessert and take his mind off of his stresses. If you aren’t a huge fan of cooking, offer to pick up his favorite takeout from a nearby restaurant instead.^{[9]
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- If he’s feeling sick, make him some soup or a hot mug of tea.
- While this won’t be a cure-all for everything he’s feeling right now, food can be a great distraction.

10

Invite him to get active with you.

Many men like to cope with stress by staying active. Without ignoring his problem, suggest going for a walk, game, or any other social activity. If he’s not feeling it, that’s okay too, but he might welcome the distraction.^{[10]
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Trustworthy Source
American Institute of Stress
Non-profit organization providing resources on stress-management in education, research, clinical care, and the workplace.
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- This is especially important if he is isolating himself or staying inside too much.

11

Keep in touch with him daily.

Many men isolate themselves when they deal with stress. If you two don’t live together, try to call or text him at least once a day. You can check in to see how he’s feeling, if he’d like to meet up, or if he simply wants to chat over the phone.^{[11]
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Mind
U.K.-based mental health charity focused on providing advice and resources to anyone facing mental health problems.
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- Having someone check in on him can help him feel less alone, which might raise his spirits.

12

Suggest professional help if he needs it.

This is important if he has been down or depressed for a while. Offer to help him make an appointment with his doctor or a mental health professional so he can talk through his feelings in a healthy, nonjudgmental way.^{[12]
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- Many men are very opposed to seeking mental health help, even if they need it. Try to suggest it kindly and without judgment so you don’t make him feel pressured.
- Say something like, “I’ve noticed that your mood has been pretty low for a while now. Do you think it would be helpful to talk to a professional about how you’re feeling?”

Warnings

If he threatens or attempts suicide, or is abusing alcohol or drugs, suggest that he seek psychiatric help immediately.

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