How to Cope With the Loss of a Loved One

At some point in life, everyone loses someone they love. This is one of the most difficult life events imaginable. You need to be able to cope in a way that's healthy, even if it's painful. In the direct aftermath, allow yourself to work through your emotions. As time goes by, strive to care for yourself. If necessary, seek support from a mental health professional.

Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Addressing Your Emotions

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    Allow yourself to experience your feelings.[1] Losing someone you love is an emotionally devastating experience. In the aftermath of loss, you may find yourself grappling with a variety of feelings. It's very important that you allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, even if it's bad. Suppressing your feelings is not a good idea in the aftermath of loss.
    • Avoiding feelings of sadness can prolong the grieving process. Also, suppressing grief can lead to things like anger, anxiety, and substance abuse. Even if pausing to consider your feelings is painful, it's important you allow yourself to feel. Do not shy away from feelings of devastation and heartbreak. Allow yourself to cry when necessary.[2]
    • Certain types of death or loss may be particularly difficult to process.[3] Losing a child may provoke feelings of anger and injustice, for example. A suicide can lead to anger at the person who has died. With these kinds of losses, people often feel bad about their emotions or think how they're feeling is inappropriate or insensitive. Keep in mind no feelings are inherently good or bad. How you choose to act on your feelings can have negative consequences, but having a range of powerful emotions is normal. You should not judge yourself for feeling what you're feeling.[4]
    • Not all emotions in the immediate aftermath of loss are negative. It's not uncommon to feel gratitude for having been close to someone, even if they're gone. You may also find yourself smiling over fond memories. Many people find, when coping with loss, that they veer between laughter and tears. Understand all these emotions are healthy and necessary when it comes to processing loss.[5]
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    Express your feelings to others. Talking to others is very important following the loss of a loved one. Your friends and family members may not be able to provide you with direct advice, but simply having someone to listen can be cathartic. Sometimes stating your feelings out loud can help you work through them. After a loss, seek out understanding friends and family members. Express your feelings to them and seek comfort and support.[6]
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    Find creative outlets. Even if you're not typically a creative person, using a creative medium to express your feelings can give your grief a tangible form. Make a scrapbook or photo album commemorating your lost loved one. Write a poem, essay, or short story about your relationship with that person. Draw or paint out your feelings in abstract images and colors. This can help you get your feelings outside your own head in a concrete manner, helping you better process your emotions.[7]
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    Prepare for reminders. After losing a loved one, reminders are constant. Reminders can be obvious, like holidays and birthdays. They can also be somewhat less tangible. Certain sights and smells, for example, can trigger memories. It's not always possible to know when you'll encounter a reminder. However, when you know a reminder is coming try to prepare.
    • The anniversary of someone's death can be very painful. The first birthday without that person, as well the holiday season, can also be difficult to endure. During these times, it can be helpful to simply brace yourself for an emotional reaction. Acknowledge the fact you may very well be sad on these dates and remind yourself it's important to allow yourself to experience these feelings.[8]
    • However, you should also make sure you care for yourself. Make sure you have someone to call or go see if you know a certain date or event will trigger feelings of grief. You want to make sure you have adequate support. You can also have something to distract. While you should acknowledge your grief, if you become overwhelmed by it it's okay to have something comforting in mind to do. You could plan to go see a movie or call an old friend.[9]
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    Reminisce. Many people find their memories comforting in the aftermath of loss. Reminiscing may be painful at first. However, with time you may come to treasure memories of your lost loved one. At the memorial and funeral service, allow yourself to share memories with others in attendance. Memory can be cathartic when it comes to coping with grief.
    • You can also find tangible ways to honor someone's memory. For example, you may want to donate to a charity they cared about or get involved in an organization that was important to them.[10]
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Caring for Yourself

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    Take care of your physical needs. In the wake of grief, people often neglect their physical needs. Even if it's difficult, make an effort to care for yourself. Not engaging in basic self care can affect your mood for the worse.
    • Eat right. Many people suffer from a loss of appetite after losing a loved one or have an erratic, somewhat unhealthy eating schedule. However, strive for a healthy and well-balanced diet after losing someone. Eating quality foods, like fruits and vegetables, can help regulate your mood.[11]
    • Try to engage in very basic self care rituals. When you're grieving, these can sometimes be forgotten. Remember to brush your teeth twice a day, shower regularly, and try to get some exercise. Some self care rituals will inevitably slip during the grieving process. However, try to keep up as best you can given the situation. Simply caring for yourself can help with your emotional wellbeing.
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    Avoid numbing the pain. Alcohol and drug use can be tempting after grief. It can help numb the pain. However, you are at higher risk to develop a substance abuse problem when you're grieving. It can also be bad for your emotional health to avoid addressing your grief. Try to avoid drinking and drug use in the months after losing a loved one.[12]
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    Sleep. Much like your diet, maintaining a solid sleep schedule is important in regulating your emotions. When you're going through a traumatic experience, it's important you make sleep a priority. Strive for 7 to 8 hours of high quality sleep each night.[13]
    • It may be very difficult to sleep after losing someone. If you have prolonged difficulty sleeping, talk to your doctor about temporarily trying a medication to help regulate your sleep cycle.
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    Maintain a schedule. It may be very difficult to maintain a regular schedule after losing a loved one. However, having some semblance of normalcy during your grief can provide comfort. A simple routine can help ground you and help you deal with negative emotions.
    • Things like eating, sleeping, and exercise are important to incorporate in a routine. Make sure you make time for those basic needs.[14]
    • You should also try to see people at least once a week. Many people isolate themselves after a loss. However, you need support from those who care about you to move forward.[15]
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Seeking Support

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    Let people know what isn't helping. You will get a lot of sympathy, advice, and feedback when you're grieving. Unfortunately, not all of it is helpful. People are rarely trying to be hurtful or insensitive when they say the wrong thing. They may simply be unsure of how to help. It's appropriate to respectfully let people know when they're not being helpful. You can also tell them how they can better help you cope with your grief.
    • People sometimes inadvertently say things that come off as hurtful or insensitive to the bereaved. For example, a friend may say something like, "Be grateful for the time you had." If your loved one died somewhat young, this may bother you. You can try gently saying to your friend, "I really appreciate that you're trying to help, but my cousin died very young. Being reminded of the time I had, which wasn't very much, just makes me feel angry. Could you please not bring that up anymore?"[16]
    • You can also let people know what is helpful. Most people genuinely want to help.[17] Even if they're saying the wrong thing, it's because they care. Letting them know what does and does not help will allow them to better assist you. For example, you could say to that friend, "The next time you want to help, maybe just ask me how I'm feeling and let me express it without offering any advice. Sometimes, I just need to vent."[18]
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    Join a support group.[19] Some people find support groups very helpful when dealing with a personal loss. Talking to others who've been through the same experiences can provide you with insight on how to cope. You can see if there are any support groups at hospitals or counseling centers in your area. If you can't find anything close by, consider an online support group.
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    Recognize when you need psychological care. It's normal to feel sad after losing a loved one. However, sometimes grief can spiral into depression. You should seek psychological care if you experience any of the following:
    • Your emotions are so intense you are unable to cope with day-to-day life
    • Your have difficulty sleeping
    • Your personal relationships are suffering
    • Your professional life is suffering
    • You're having sexual problems or becoming accident-prone[20]
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    Find a therapist. If you're experiencing symptoms of prolonged grief, make an appointment with a therapist. You can find a therapist by talking to your insurance provider or asking for a referral from your regular physician. If you're a student, you may be entitled to free counseling from your college or university.
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Expert Q&A

  • Question
    How long does grief last after the death of a spouse?
    Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
    Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
    Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist
    Ken Breniman is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Yoga Therapist and Thanatologist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Ken has over 15 years experience of providing clinical support and community workshops utilizing a dynamic combination of traditional psychotherapy and yoga therapy. He specializes in eclectic non-denominational yoga guidance, grief therapy, complex trauma recovery and mindful mortal skills development. He has a MSW from Washington University in St. Louis and an MA Certification in Thanatology from Marian University of Fond du Lac. He became certified with the International Association of Yoga Therapists after completing his 500 training hours at Yoga Tree in San Francisco and Ananda Seva Mission in Santa Rosa, CA.
    Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
    Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
    Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist
    Expert Answer
    Remember that you don't have to "get over it" and to stop grieving soon. Go at your own pace!
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References

  1. ↑ Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT. Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 April 2020.
  2. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
  3. ↑ Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT. Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 April 2020.
  4. ↑ http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/conditions/coping-loss-bereavement-and-grief
  5. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/end-of-life/in-depth/grief/art-20045340?pg=2
  6. ↑ http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/conditions/coping-loss-bereavement-and-grief
  7. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
  8. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/end-of-life/in-depth/grief/art-20045340?pg=2
  9. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/end-of-life/in-depth/grief/art-20045340?pg=2
  1. ↑ http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/grief.aspx
  2. ↑ http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/emotionalhealth/Pages/Dealingwithloss.aspx
  3. ↑ http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/emotionalhealth/Pages/Dealingwithloss.aspx
  4. ↑ http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/emotionalhealth/Pages/Dealingwithloss.aspx
  5. ↑ http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/emotionalhealth/Pages/Dealingwithloss.aspx
  6. ↑ http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/emotionalhealth/Pages/Dealingwithloss.aspx
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/crucial-conversations/201302/coping-the-loss-loved-one
  8. ↑ Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT. Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 April 2020.
  9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/crucial-conversations/201302/coping-the-loss-loved-one
  10. ↑ Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT. Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 April 2020.
  11. ↑ http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/emotionalhealth/Pages/Dealingwithloss.aspx

About This Article

Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
Co-authored by:
Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist
This article was co-authored by Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT. Ken Breniman is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Yoga Therapist and Thanatologist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Ken has over 15 years experience of providing clinical support and community workshops utilizing a dynamic combination of traditional psychotherapy and yoga therapy. He specializes in eclectic non-denominational yoga guidance, grief therapy, complex trauma recovery and mindful mortal skills development. He has a MSW from Washington University in St. Louis and an MA Certification in Thanatology from Marian University of Fond du Lac. He became certified with the International Association of Yoga Therapists after completing his 500 training hours at Yoga Tree in San Francisco and Ananda Seva Mission in Santa Rosa, CA. This article has been viewed 128,856 times.
8 votes - 87%
Co-authors: 30
Updated: November 12, 2021
Views: 128,856
Categories: Coping with Death of a Family Member
Article SummaryX

Losing a loved one can be one of the hardest things in life, but if you allow yourself to grieve in your own way, you’ll make it through. Everyone grieves differently, but it’s important to let yourself feel any emotions that come and go, like sadness, anger, guilt, and loneliness. It might be tempting to ignore them, but this can make things worse in the long term. Instead, talk to a close friend or family member about what you’re feeling. Try to stay busy with your work, hobbies, and family. It can be easy to neglect your basic needs, like eating, sleeping, and exercising, when you're grieving, but sticking to your usual routine will help you feel more normal. If you feel like you can’t deal with your grief, remember that you’re not alone. Consider finding a therapist or support group to help you work through your feelings. For more tips from our co-author, including how to honor your loved one's memory, read on.

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