How to Express Love when You're Autistic

Co-authored by Luna Rose and Jennifer Mueller, JD

Last Updated: March 29, 2022 References

If you're autistic, you may not be comfortable expressing love in traditional ways. You may have difficulty describing your emotions, or understanding how to let your partner know how you feel about them. This can be even more difficult if your partner isn't on the spectrum, because they may not understand your particular needs or how you experience the world. However, if you are open and honest with your partner you can find ways to express love when you're autistic that make your partner feel cherished and confident in your relationship.^{[1]
X
Research source}^{[2]
X
Research source}

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Communicating with Your Partner

1
Compliment your partner. Sincere verbal or written compliments are one of the best ways to show that you love someone. As an autistic person, you may notice small details that someone else would not. ^{[3]
X
Research source} You can compliment them in the moment when you recognize something you like, or you can give them unexpected compliments later on. These compliments make your partner feel loved.
- Try to steer away from generic or superficial compliments. Everyone likes to be told they are beautiful or handsome, but more personal compliments will set them apart as expressions of love.
- Try to compliment your partner's behavior more than their appearance. These compliments mean more because they are something more in your partner's control.
- For example, you might say "I loved the way you helped that old woman cross the street. It showed how conscientious and caring you are, and that's one of my favorite things about you."
2
Ask about friends or interests. Pay attention to what interests your partner, and ask them questions about those things. You also want to ask questions about other people your partner has close relationships with, such as friends and family members.^{[4]
X
Research source}^{[5]
X
Research source}
- If you've developed a close personal relationship, it's likely you have at least one (if not several) interests in common. Talking about those interests reinforces that connection.
- But asking about things in which they're interested shows that you care about them – even if you don't share the interest. The less interested you are in the particular thing, the more it shows that you care about your partner if you ask about it.
- Try to keep up with any major dates or events they have scheduled related to their interests so that you can ask specific questions and not just general ones. This shows that you've been paying attention.
- Asking about your partner's friends or family members not only shows you love your partner, but gives you the opportunity to learn about them and the people they care about.
Advertisement
3
Encourage openness. Open communication is crucial in any relationship, but it can be especially crucial if you are autistic and don't express yourself in the same way other people do, or have difficulty reading body language and other subtle signals.^{[6]
X
Research source}^{[7]
X
Research source}
- Both you and your partner have to be willing to talk about things that are bothering you and what you expect from each other in the relationship.
- Try setting aside regular times to communicate about the relationship and how each of you are feeling. This will ensure that it gets done.^{[8]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Laura Reber, SSP
  School Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 15 May 2020.}
- One of the most important things your partner needs to understand is that they can't assume that you know what to do or what to say in any given situation.
- They also can't assume that you understand what they need out of the relationship, or that your needs will be the same or even similar.
- Because you may have difficulty being able to intuit when something's wrong or when your partner is upset, you must be able to talk to each other clearly and openly about basically any situation.
4
Express your love indirectly with kind notes or actions. It may be difficult for you to verbalize your thoughts or communicate your feelings in person and directly. However, if you can take a little time to compose a short love note, your partner can keep it with them all day.^{[9]
X
Expert Source

Laura Reber, SSP
School Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 May 2020.} You can also do something nice for them to show that you love them.
- Spontaneity is important in romantic relationships, but you may have difficulty being spontaneous if you're autistic.
- The idea of doing something without planning ahead may cause you tremendous anxiety. However, keep in mind that something doesn't need to be spontaneous for you to be spontaneous for your partner.
- For example, you can write a short love note for your partner and leave it in an unexpected, random location where they're sure to see it, such as taped to the bathroom mirror or the rearview mirror of their car.
- Don't wait for a holiday or special occasion. You can write these notes for no reason at all and leave them in places where your partner will find them.
- If you want to show that you love them through actions, consider taking care of a chore they hate or picking up a small gift you see that they might enjoy.
- Be sure not to always rely on gestures - words are very important and validating.
5
Develop your own language. As you and your partner get to know each other and become closer, you may develop "code words" that evolve into a language all your own. You can use these code words to communicate on a very intimate level.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- Think about how couples have special nicknames or terms of endearment for each other. Your code words can be similar to this.
- You might create your own word or phrase to say that you want to leave a place or want to get something to eat.
- These code words have the added benefit that you can use them in public and no one around will really understand what you're talking about.
- This can be ideal if you are feeling overstimulated and need to get out of a situation as quickly as possible.
6
Create your own routine. Most autistic people thrive when they have a set routine and rules to follow. A neurotypical person might dismiss the idea of scheduling affection as "cold," but it can help you to express love when you're autistic.^{[11]
X
Research source} Sharing with your partner how much you look forward to these times can be helpful in this regard.
- For example, you might want to create a little routine for whenever you see your partner at school. Figure out when your classes are and where you'll be so you can schedule times to see each other. This gives you both the attention and affection you want while simultaneously giving you predictable rules that you can follow.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Addressing Sensory Issues

1
Discuss sensitivities in advance. Reaching out to someone physically can become fraught with emotion. If you don't explain to your partner any sensitivities you might have to particular types of touch, there's a risk they may take your reaction personally as a rejection of them.^{[12]
X
Research source}^{[13]
X
Research source}^{[14]
X
Research source} However, if you're able to discuss the issue in a neutral situation, you can explain things to them in a way that they understand so they don't inadvertently do something that you're not comfortable with.
- For example, it may be that you don't like being kissed on the face. Letting your partner know that you don't enjoy being kissed on the face will ensure that they don't get the wrong idea if you pull away when they kiss you. It also means you won't have to continue to suffer through something you find irritating just to spare their feelings.
- Keep in mind that telling someone to stop doing something can come across as a rejection of them personally, and can make them feel less confident about your relationship and how you feel.
- Try suggesting that they read a specific book chapter or article to educate themselves on autism in order to understand your sensitivity. This helps to keep them from taking it personally.
- If your partner is more physically demonstrative, this may be a larger issue than if your partner is more of a hands-off person. Not everybody enjoys physical demonstrations of affection, regardless of whether they're autistic.
2
Show your partner the types of affection you like. Showing is more powerful than telling. If you show your partner what you like, it tells them that you do enjoy being physically close to them and want to maintain an intimate, loving relationship.^{[15]
X
Research source}^{[16]
X
Research source} Also, you initiating affection can be helpful because it happens on your terms and when you're feeling comfortable. It will take the pressure off your partner to determine when and how to be affectionate, and it’ll also help them feel secure in your love for them.
- For example, many autistic people prefer deep pressure to light touch. Giving your partner a demonstration of the level of pressure you like enables them to be more comfortable.
- Often people are more gentle because they don't want to hurt or disturb you. If you show the level of pressure that you like, they will have a better understanding of what gives you pleasure and can respond accordingly.
- In return, your partner will understand that it's not that you don't want them to touch you. Rather, you want them to touch you in a way that makes you feel comfortable.
- Keep in mind that if your partner feels love and affection for you, they will want to do whatever they can to make you feel comfortable and at ease.
3
Learn your partner's limits. Everyone has certain types of touch that they don't like – not just autistic people. While it's important that your partner understands your particular sensitivities, it's just as important for you to find out what things they don't like.^{[17]
X
Research source}^{[18]
X
Research source}
- For example, while you may prefer deep pressure, your partner may find that same level of touch to be uncomfortable or even painful.
- With all types of touch, communication is extremely important. Your partner won't understand that certain types of touch are uncomfortable for you unless you tell them – and it works the other way as well.
- Giving physical affection to your partner that they enjoy can be an important way to express love. Sometimes a hug or a squeeze says more to your partner about how you feel than specific words might.
4
Look for alternatives to traditional expressions of affection. Don't worry if you're turned off by traditional expressions of affection, such as holding hands or spontaneous kisses. Your relationship is yours, and you and your partner can create your own ways to physically demonstrate affection.^{[19]
X
Research source}^{[20]
X
Research source}
- Work with your partner to find things that you both enjoy, even if they're not necessarily things that anyone else would consider a physical expression of affection.
- For example, you may find it comforting for someone to repeatedly tap your hand or arm. Other people might find this annoying, but if it makes you feel comfortable and loved, you should bring it up to your partner as an option.
- Keep in mind that the important part about displays of affection is not the touch or action itself, but the emotion that it expresses and the way it makes you and your partner feel.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Finding Empathy

1
Study relationships. If you're new to serious relationships, make love your new special interest. Reading stories and watching movies or television shows that depict people in love can give you some ideas about how to interact with your partner.^{[21]
X
Research source}^{[22]
X
Research source}
- There are many dating and relationship guides that discuss etiquette and psychology of couples in relationships. These books can help you interpret your partner's behavior and understand their expectations.
- Couples in movies and television shows can give you a window into how people express love and affection and communicate with each other in romantic relationships.
- Another thing you can do is observe couples in public. Go to a park of coffee shop where couples often meet and observe the way they talk and act around each other.
- If you're people-watching in public, consider bringing along a notebook, magazine, electronic device, or other item. This gives you a purpose so that you don't look creepy if you're sitting there staring at other people.
- Don't be afraid to mimic these interactions to see what is comfortable for you and what your partner responds to. Just be sure to have regular communication about it so that you don't seem inconsistent and confusing to your partner.
2
Imagine yourself in your partner's position. You may have heard the phrase to "put yourself in the other person's shoes." This can be difficult for autistic people to do, but if you want to express love to your partner, it's important to try to understand what they're feeling too.^{[23]
X
Research source}^{[24]
X
Research source}
- Think back on situations you've experienced with your partner, and consider what you would want or expect from your partner in that situation.
- Think about times you've been in a situation similar to the situation your partner is in, and how you felt at that time.
- For example, if your partner has recently lost their beloved pet, you might think about how you felt when you lost a pet, and what people around you did that made you know that they loved and cared about you. Then you can do similar things to help your partner and express your love for them.
- It can help to discuss these thoughts you have with your partner. Tell them what you imagine they want from you, and find out if you're on the right track.
3
Ask questions to understand how your partner feels. If you're having difficulty understanding where your partner is coming from or what they're thinking, ask them to tell you what they're thinking or feeling.^{[25]
X
Research source}^{[26]
X
Research source} However, do not push your partner to talk to you before they are ready.
- You don't want these questions to come across as though you're trying to trap your partner or trick them into saying something that will upset you.
- Let them know that you're genuinely trying to understand how they feel. For example, you might say "When you look at me that way I often wonder what's going through your mind."
- Encourage them to open up and be specific about their feelings. If you know how they feel, you will gain confidence to express your thoughts more clearly.
- If they are overwhelmed or not ready to talk, you can consult with a trusted and agreed upon third party to help you understand what they might be feeling in a given circumstance and how you can be supportive.
4
Find out what your partner needs. You may have been naturally attracted to someone who is strong in areas where you are weak. But your partner has weaknesses too, as well as things that they may not do as well as you or may not enjoy doing.^{[27]
X
Research source}^{[28]
X
Research source}
- Often autistic people find it easier to express love by doing things for their partner than by saying specific words or being physically affectionate.
- Doing little things for your partner shows that you care about them and want them to be happy. It also can free up their time so the two of you have more time to spend together.
- For example, if your partner hates doing their laundry, you might take their laundry along with yours. The simple act of helping them with their chores can show how you feel about them.