How to Show Love

Co-authored by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA

Last Updated: April 8, 2021 References

Showing our love towards those who deserve it is an art and, like any art, it takes a good deal of practice. For one thing, people respond to love in different ways. Some like to hear words, some need to see loving behavior, and others respond best to gestures. Whether it’s your friend, family member, spouse, or partner, aim to cover a broad spectrum of words and deeds in order to show them that you care about them.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Showing Love through Words

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Give compliments. Sometimes it's easy to think that the people around us know how much we care for and appreciate them, when in reality they don’t. To make it clear how much you value them, dole out the compliments. Is your friend always supportive? Say so. Does your spouse look really good today? Say so. Does she get you like no one else gets you? Say so. She'll beam with pride.
- Start with something simple. “I really appreciate you” or “I’m glad that you’re in my life” are two fail-safes.
- Both women and men like compliments on appearance and personal qualities. “You’re so pretty/handsome/cute/adorable” can go a long way. “You are so kind/smart/sweet” is also good.
- Be genuine, though. Resist giving a compliment just to make someone feel good. If you don't like your spouse’s cooking, don't lie (but do appreciate the time and effort that she took). Compliments mean little if they are not genuine. They can be easy to see through, as well.^{[1]
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EXPERT TIP

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates.

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist

Keep trying, even if you're not used to sharing your feelings. Marriage and family therapist Allen Wagner says: "Some people aren't naturally verbally expressive, but that just means you have to work to make it into a habit. Even if it feels unnatural at first, if you keep practicing, eventually it will become natural and organic."
2
Be encouraging. Part of love is hoping that your friends and loved ones grow, and cheering them on. Say that you want to go to graduate school and bring it up with your best friend. She immediately shuts you down, telling you that it’s too much time and money. Do you feel very loved? Probably not. Keep this in mind when the time comes to show love. Encourage those around you to grow and pursue what makes them happy.^{[2]
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- Here is another example. Say your boyfriend reveals that he’s always wanted to be an FBI agent. He’s thinking about changing careers to law enforcement. How do you react? He’s always been reliable. Do you encourage him to pursue his dream or do you poke fun at him? Which best shows love?
- Compliments like those above can encourage. Try to reinforce your loved one’s self-esteem by pointing out her strengths – she is hardworking, good-hearted, and talented.
- It’s also possible to encourage a loved one through solidarity. “I believe in you” or “Remember that I’m here for you” will put wind in his sails.
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3
Ask for advice. Whether it's your mom, a neighbor, a friend, or a romantic partner, asking for someone's advice shows that you value and trust their opinion. It makes them feel good, reinforces a sense of worth, and makes your relationship stronger. There is very little to lose by asking. You'll probably gain something from the talk anyway.
- Your question doesn't have to be about anything major, either. Ask them if they have a new restaurant that they like, or where they go to get their car tuned up. While life crises are great advice-seeking moments, but you should not make up problems.
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Thank liberally. It is hard after years and years of a relationship to cherish a friend or loved one as you did in the beginning. Imagine you've been in a relationship for a few years. You naturally share the chores at home; you clean the dishes while he takes out the garbage. This is just what you do, but the fact of the matter is that your partner probably isn't crazy about taking out the garbage. He will appreciate your saying “thank you” and will be much happier to know that his input is noticed.^{[3]
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- Try to be specific when you express thanks: i.e., “I’m really grateful that you help out with the dishes” or “Thank you for all your time.“
- Take a second to think about your partner. Odds are that they've done a handful of things with you in mind that you did not even register. Did they buy extra groceries? Wash your towels? Wait for you in the parking lot? They're showing you that they love you – return the gesture by thanking them!
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Have a heart-to-heart. A good way to show someone that you value them above pretty much everyone else is to open up and share your feelings. This does not just mean your secrets, necessarily. Opening up to a friend or partner shows your trust and confidence in them. It makes them feel like they're in the platinum-tier of your relationships. Of course, only take someone into your confidence if you feel comfortable. There are other ways to show love if you're not ready for this step!
- Make sure the relationship is solid before divulging your deepest, darkest secrets. Be sure that you really do trust the person. Don’t waste your secrets on a crush or a fly-by-night friend.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Showing Love through Daily Behavior

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Be a good listener. Listening can also be an act of love. Whether your friend or loved on is ranting or not, show your love without using words with your eyes and your body. Put your phone away, angle your body towards them, and hang on every word. When is the last time you had someone paying attention to you so thoroughly that you realized it? It's a pretty rare and great feeling.^{[4]
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- While your loved one is talking, do your best to be a good listener. Give them your undivided attention. Put down anything in your hands like a phone or book, listen to what they are saying, and put thought into your response. If you don't know what to say, a nice hug helps, too.
- Try to always be a sympathetic listener, even if there is no special occasion. When your friend walks in, ask them about their day. They should have your undivided attention as if they were going through the grocery list. It is when they don't expect your attention that it matters most.
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Be affectionate. Humans like to be touched. We need it to thrive. We need to feel like social creatures and as if others care for us and can keep us safe. It's natural and innate. What's more, research has shown that we subconsciously like people that touch us more than those who don't.^{[5]
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Research source} Not only can you show your love through touch, but you solidify your relationship.
- Let’s be clear that by “touch” we are not just talking about intimate or sexual contact. A hand on the shoulder, a high-five, a pat on the back – they all have the same effect. Touch breaks down physical barriers, giving the cue that you acknowledge your loved one’s presence, care about them, and feel close.
- Give your loved one a good, long hug. Like other kinds of touch, hugs are great for showing love and building connections. A solid 7 seconds should do it.^{[6]
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  Research source} Scientist don't know why, but seven seconds is the amount of time that it takes to establish a true connection.
- This is no pity or consolatory hug. This is a super hug for no good reason at all. There are no underlying motives, no guilt, no sense of duty. It is loving because your only goal is to show that you care.
- If you are both comfortable with it, a brush on the forearm, arm around the shoulder, nuzzle, or kiss are also good ways to be affectionate.
3
Make room in your life. Relationship grow stronger when things are shared, whether it's a significant other or just a good friend. What can you share in your own life? A dresser drawer? A special glass just for them when they visit? School supplies? Literally make your loved one a part of your life. It conveys that you care.^{[7]
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- Part of including your loved one in your life might be to introduce them to other friends and family. Everyone wants to be the prized friend, boyfriend or girlfriend, or even sibling. Make them feel important – important enough to talk about and brag over with other loved ones.
- As said before, ask for advice, compliment, and thank. All of these make your loved ones aware that you are thinking about them.
4
Reinforce an inside joke or memorable moment. Relationships are all about those little moments we spend together that no one else really understands. To show that these moments mean a lot to you, reinforce them. How? Be creative. Make a mixed CD of all those songs you geek out to. Get a photo mug made from that trip you took to the beach. Give your loved one something to remember your good times. The effort will show how much you cherished them, too.
- This sort of gesture doesn’t have to be big. It just has to show your friend or partner that you are paying attention.
- Did they mention how they always wished they had their own personal stock of Splenda? Bring them some packets. Did you once joke about mac n' cheese donuts? Make it happen. Now that moment is twice as memorable.
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Dress to impress. If you are in a romantic relationship, dress in your partner’s favorite outfit or wear something that she likes. Does your girlfriend love it when you wear a tie? Surprise her one night. Does she adore you in aviator sunglasses and a fedora? Go ahead and don them. You don't have to say anything about it; rest assured that she will know it is for her.
- This principle applies to scents, foods, and other items. Does your husband prefer a certain wine? Buy a bottle on your way home.
- Does your girlfriend secretly love anchovy pizza? Let her indulge once in a while. She will be more likely to mirror your actions, and you'll both be happier.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Showing Love through Special Gestures

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Give gifts. Some people feel most loved when they receive gifts. For these people, the gifts are not as important in themselves as the act of giving, which is an expression of love. It really is the thought that counts.^{[8]
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Research source} It can be for holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries. Even better is an occasional surprise gift.
- A gift could be the timeless flowers and chocolate. Or, it could be a homemade card.
- Often the most memorable gifts are those we don’t expect. If you hear your loved one mention a book that they like, but can’t afford, she will remember it if you buy it for her.
- Grand or small, gifts say “I’m thinking about you.” The receiver sees them as an act of affirmation and love. However, make sure that your gesture follows your behavior. Imagine that you gave your mom a huge bouquet of flowers but then didn’t call her for months. Your neglect devalues the gift.
2
Do a good deed. Imagine what it would be like to get stuck overnight at the airport. Now, what if your friend who lives two hours away offered to come and pick you up? What if a loved one floated you a no-interest loan, when you had financial problems? These are both loving gestures, giving without asking for anything immediate in return. Showing love is sometimes about giving selflessly.
- Cover the tab the next time you and a loved one go out together for lunch, dinner, or coffee.
- Offer to help him with an unpleasant task, like moving or cleaning out his garage.
- Sometimes the most thoughtful gifts, the ones that truly show others we love them, are ones that take sacrifice. That’s why we call these “good deeds.” If you have a friend that needs a ride to the airport at 5 AM, when you are usually sleeping, offer it anyway. The efforts shows that you value your friend more than you care about the inconvenience.
3
Plan time together. Unlike gift receivers, some people feel most loved by spending quality time with their friends, family, and spouse. It is important that this time is together and not just in proximity. Give your loved one your full attention.^{[9]
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Research source} Plan an experience together, be it dance class, the opera, ice skating, or a paintball outing. It is a great bonding experience, and the fact that you arranged it speaks volumes.
- Time together can be watching a movie. It can be going out for coffee to catch up. It can be playing a board game or even going on a trip together.
- Planning time together with a loved one shows that you want you want them to be an integral part of your life. You could do these things alone, but instead you chose to include them. They matter to you. And your loved one will know it.
4
Get cooking. An old saying has it that “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Many people show love with food – it’s not just for men. Food and preparing food for others is one way that we build deep connections and show affection. Invite your best friend over for her favorite meal, with drinks, desserts, and appetizer. She’ll see how much you care about her.
- It’s not a big problem if you’re not the best cook. An alternative is to arrange your loved one’s favorite activity or a favorite item. Does your spouse love horses? Plan a horseback ride. Does he love chrysanthemums? Fill a room with them. The important thing is to convey that you love him and are thinking of him.
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Keep in mind: people recognize and show love in different ways. You may think that you are showing love to your partner or friend all the time, but they may not catch on if you are not speaking their language. For example, some people show their love with physical touch, while others show love through gestures or through quality time. You may need to fine-tune your approach to match your beloved one's needs and expectations.^{[10]
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- It's a good idea to show love in different ways, just to cover your bases. Try gestures, words, touch, gifts, and quality time. If you want to make your loved ones feel really appreciated, show them verbally and physically how much you care. Do little things and do big things. Do quiet things and do loud boisterous things. Then you can rest assured that your love is shown.