How to Fall Out of Love with Your Best Friend

Co-authored by Jessica January Behr, PsyD

Last Updated: April 22, 2022 References Approved

Have you ever been very good friends with someone a long time? Surely you have. Suddenly, you realize that you're in love with your formerly platonic companion. It happens quite frequently, so you don't need to feel alone in your sentiment. And it can hurt a lot more than standard "unrequited love," as you and this person have a lengthy and supportive history with each other. This puts both your friendship and your love aspirations on the line, and it can be quite painful for both parties.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Taking Space for Yourself

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Stay away from your best friend for a while. Be civil and thoughtful in how you go about this. You don't want to completely reject the healthy relationship that you've established between each other, but you need to take care of your feelings. Don't make active efforts to see them on a daily basis.
- There are countless ways to set up safe and respectful boundaries between you and this person.^{[1]
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  Research source} If you do see this person, be open without giving them all of your attention. Protect yourself without isolating them.
- Prepare some reasonable excuses why you can't see this person. You might feel like you are deceiving your friend, especially if you have an honest history. Just know that you are doing this only because you need time to get over them.^{[2]
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- Monetary related issues are nearly always understandable, especially if it's in relation to having to work longer hours. If you work longer hours, then you're more tired, and exhaustion should always be a viable excuse.
2
Ensure that your feelings are valid. Before creating an extreme distance, you want to make sure that you really are in love with this person. There's an immense amount of pressure riding on this situation, as you're running the risk of permanently damaging a friendship.
- When you're in love, the central dopamine levels in your brain will ramp up, giving you an intense attention and focus on the person that you're falling for.^{[3]
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  Research source} Your love object will be occupying a great deal of your daily thoughts, so it may feel like you are obsessing over them.
- It's unlikely, if you're really in love with this person, that you're thinking about anyone else. Your thoughts will all be overly positive, as you overlook your love object's negative traits when you've fallen for them.
- If you feel any or all of these things, you may actually be in love with your best friend.
- You must make sure that you aren't feeling this way because you're lonely and have a strong platonic bond with this person. You run the risk, when considering your love for your best friend, of misinterpreting the caring relationship between you for romantic love.^{[4]
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  Research source} Make sure that you aren't reaching out to this person because you want a romantic relationship, and they seem like a good fit.
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3
Accept the pain. There's nothing worse, after going through a trying emotional circumstance like a rejection, than pushing your feelings away and hiding from them. Even worse is tricking yourself into believing that you aren't allowed to feel those emotions.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Jessica January Behr, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.}^{[6]
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Research source}
- If you judge your emotions, or tell yourself that you aren't allowed to feel them, then you're hiding from the realness of your pain.
- Even though it's immensely difficult to cope with heartbreak, you will become stronger in the process. You will also spend less time wallowing if you accept your emotions and try to focus on the present.
4
Tell yourself that it isn't your fault. If you allow this rejection to completely shatter your well-being, you stand no chance of getting over your heartbreak. Even though it requires a little extra effort, you have to make active strides in improving your self-worth.^{[7]
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- Remember that your rejection does not rest entirely on your character. Your best friend might be coping with some massive issues with their own identity. This person may be afraid to commit themselves to you because of fear and insecurity.
- Being alone will help you grow, and even though it feels like an insurmountable pain, you'll be stronger as a result.
- Try to see this as an opportunity to improve upon yourself, or take time to work on your own goals. Rejection has the potential to fuel your drive as a human being, as you can use these bad feelings to inform your forward momentum. If you fall back into a self-deprecating spiral, you won't be able to move beyond your pain. Remembering that rejection is inevitable will make this particular rejection seem less significant.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Getting Over the Heartbreak

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Avoid forgetting them completely. While it may seem counterproductive, you actually don't want to block this person out of your brain entirely. When you attempt to push all thoughts of this person away from you, you'll no doubt return to thinking of them when you don't want to. This actually makes it much tougher to get over them.
- Known as the "White Bear Effect," your active attempts to not think about a white bear will undoubtedly make a white bear pop into your mind.^{[8]
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  Research source} This is the case with all addictions and obsessions.
- When your love object enters your mind, you must acknowledge their existence, despite the pain. You don't need to panic, and you certainly don't need to take it as a sign that you'll never get over them.
2
Practice self-love.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Jessica January Behr, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.} When you've been rejected by your love interest, you'll immediately feel a great amount of self-hatred and insecurity. You've put it all on the line, and you will probably feel like you've failed in some way.^{[10]
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Research source} Becoming confident in yourself again is crucial in overcoming the hardship.
- You need to learn how to reconnect with your emotions in the present, rather than thinking about the mistakes of your past. Meditation helps in centering your brain toward the now.
- A simple cross-legged meditation is a good place to start. Hold your spine tall and bring your hands to the center of your heart. Keep your palms held together, with the thumbs and the pinkies aligned. Bring your focus to the tip of your nose and breathe.
- When you release your fear and anxiety about the past, you'll be able to use the energy you've gained in moving forward with strength.
3
Return to your friendships. It's crucial, in overcoming heartbreak, that you lean on those around you. Remember how necessary these friendships are to your well-being, and how well you've been treated by these individuals in the past.^{[11]
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Research source} If you have great friends, then you have friends that you can be yourself around.
- Depending on how tumultuous your romantic feelings toward your best friend have been, you may have felt distant from your other friendships for quite some time. Because you can't pine over this person anymore, you can focus your energy on healthier relationships in your life.
4
Remind yourself that your feelings are okay. In the aftermath of a deep heartbreak, you are wrapped in a large number of varying emotions. These can range from anxiety, anger, and deep sorrow, among others. Acknowledge how you feel, and let yourself go through that process of acceptance and healing.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Jessica January Behr, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.}^{[13]
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Research source}
- Coined by Tibetan Buddhist teacher Tsoknyi Rinpoche, the phrase "real but not true," is important to keep in mind when processing these emotions. You can validate that you are feeling a certain way without giving absolute power to the emotions.
5
Date casually. While it may take a bit of extra effort on your part, it's not a bad idea to try dating another person, even if you're still recovering.^{[14]
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Research source} You should not attempt to replace your broken heart. It's not a bad idea, however, to spend time with someone in a casual romantic setting.
- Don't inundate your date with your sad story. They shouldn't have to be burdened with what you're going through.
- Even if nothing comes of your date, you can definitely find comfort in your connection with another person.
- If anything, setting up a profile on OKCupid or another dating site will provide you with some positive reinforcement from strangers.^{[15]
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  Research source} It's not going to solve your problems, but any positive word from those around you will help you heal.
6
Send kindness to your best friend. While this is a necessary step for any heartbreak, it's especially important when your love object holds a dear place in your heart as a longtime friend.^{[16]
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Research source} Any malice sent toward this person will only exacerbate your problems.
- It may seem unproductive, especially when this person has very recently broken your heart, but extending love toward this person will actually help you get over them. It can add to your peace of mind and stability, and you'll eliminate a lot of potential cynicism.
- This does not mean that you should extend this love to this person in a tangible way. Don't give them attention through the internet or send a text. You can, however, wish them positive feelings when by yourself.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Rebuilding Your Friendship

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Ensure that you both want to maintain the friendship. While it's the worst case scenario in this sort of situation, there's a possibility that the confusion of the situation might have driven you two apart forever.^{[17]
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Research source} More than likely, you will be the person who can't move beyond the weight of the situation, as your feelings have proven to be unrequited.
- If you've taken the proper time to be alone and get yourself back on track, then you can decide whether or not you feel ready to be friends again.
- Don't be hard on yourself if you're having trouble moving on. It may require far more time than you initially anticipated.
- With more time apart, new feelings for others may enter your brain. This may or may not help you get over your former love object.
2
Spend time in groups. It's a lot easier to manage your friendship if you're not spending a lot of one-on-one time with your best friend. It's still important to maintain boundaries with this person, even if it's difficult. Your impulse might be to continue doing all the same activities that you did when you were best friends. For the time being, you'll want to avoid anything too intimate or private.
- Figure out what sort of relationship you might have with this person. You may not be able to spend time alone watching television, but perhaps you can still chat over a beer or cup of coffee.
3
Become content with your relationship as it stands. Remember, if your friend is happy, you should be too. This is where being mature comes in. You love your friend, and you want him or her to be happy, whatever the decision may be.
- Be sure that you're actively pushing through the awkwardness. Figure out your new boundaries as friends.
- You'll both have to change your expectations and assess what you're allowed to do, so this should start with acceptance of your present situation.

Expert Q&A

Question

Should I express my love to my best friend?

Jessica January Behr, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Jessica January Behr is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Founder and Director of Behr Psychology. She specializes in couples and sex therapy. Additionally, Dr. Behr treats those experiencing anxiety, stress, relationship problems, and depression. She holds a BA in Psychology from Hunter College. Dr. Behr also holds a Masters of Science of Education (MsED) in School Psychology and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) in Clinical Psychology from Pace University.

Jessica January Behr, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

It depends on your specific situation. If it's something that you're holding in and really worried about, it's probably better to explore the possibility of sharing your feelings. Keeping things bottled up can be really damaging for yourself and for your friendship.
Question

What do you do when your best friend rejects you?

Jessica January Behr, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Jessica January Behr is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Founder and Director of Behr Psychology. She specializes in couples and sex therapy. Additionally, Dr. Behr treats those experiencing anxiety, stress, relationship problems, and depression. She holds a BA in Psychology from Hunter College. Dr. Behr also holds a Masters of Science of Education (MsED) in School Psychology and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) in Clinical Psychology from Pace University.

Jessica January Behr, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

If you confessed your love and the person isn't interested or is unavailable due to another relationship, getting over it can be really challenging. In those cases, try to take some space or balance out your time with other people. Sometimes, with less contact, you might change your interest or develop feelings for someone else.