How to Figure Out the Type of Person You Should Date

Co-authored by Louie Felix

Last Updated: June 12, 2021 References

It can be difficult to narrow down your options, especially when online dating makes the dating market so large. If you feel overwhelmed and not sure where to start, think about what’s important to you, and what kinds of things you want to single out in a potential date. Think about what kind of person could be a good complement to your own life.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Figuring Out Your Priorities

1
Think about what type of relationship you want. Do you want a casual date, a fling, or a long-term relationship? Knowing what you want from the start can help you narrow down potential partners more effectively and steer the relationship in the direction you want. If you’re not sure what you want, be honest with yourself in saying that, and be honest with any potential dates you have.
- By knowing what kind of relationship you want, you can better understand the types of people available and what they are looking for as well.
- Try looking back on any of your previous relationships for insight. Think about what did work, as well as what didn't. That can help you understand what you're looking for moving forward.^{[1]
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  Expert Source
  
  Louie Felix
  Dating Coach & Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.}
2
Be with someone who is interested in you. Sometimes it’s not about finding a “type”, it’s about finding a good fit. Find someone who is interested in you, asks questions about your life, and with whom you have a mutual curiosity about. If you go to a sports bar and your date’s more focused on the game than on you, this can set the tone for any future time you have together.^{[2]
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- For example, be with someone who asks questions and seems interested in your answers. If someone only seems interested in talking about himself or herself, reconsider if you want to see this person again.
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3
Write a list of values. If you have strong religious, political, social, or spiritual values, you may want to find someone who shares these values with you. Your goal should never be to change anyone, so if you find that you are unable to cope with various differences, think about them from the onset.^{[3]
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Research source} Define your values by writing them down. What do you value in your own life, and what values would you like to be shared in your date? How important are these values for you?
- For example, if you value exploring different spiritual traditions, you may want a partner who also shares this value, and you may be put-off by someone who is very religious or not interested in spirituality. Then, you can know who to single in on when you’re ready to date.
- Think about the type of chemistry you want with your partner. Write down physical chemistry, emotional chemistry, spiritual chemistry, and intellectual chemistry, and prioritize them from most to least important, and use that as a guideline whenever you meet someone new.^{[4]
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  Expert Source
  
  Louie Felix
  Dating Coach & Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.}
4
Think about your lifestyle. Think about how you want a potential date to fit into your current (or ideal) lifestyle. For example, if you like going to fancy restaurants, you may not want to date someone who is stingy or overly concerned with money. Likewise, if you love hiking, camping, and kayaking on the weekends, don’t date someone who despises the outdoors. If you enjoy your time off, you may not be compatible with someone who is a workaholic.^{[5]
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Research source} Find someone who can appreciate and perhaps even participate in your lifestyle.
- For example, if you have a dog, you may want someone who likes dogs. Trying to convert someone to like your dog when he or she doesn’t like dogs to begin with may be a frustrating and heartbreaking endeavor.^{[6]
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5
Reflect on your ideal age range. While some people define socially acceptable age limits for dating, it’s up to you to decide how old or young you feel comfortable dating.^{[7]
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Research source} If you feel strongly about age differences, you may want to narrow down your potential daters to a certain age range that makes you feel comfortable. To some, age is just a number, while to others, it can make a huge difference in whether or not it’s worth dating.
- When considering dating age, make sure you factor in maturity. Some younger dates may, in fact, be more mature than older dates.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Developing Your Confidence

1
Learn to be comfortable with yourself. Some people avoid dealing with themselves by escaping through drugs, alcohol, tv, food, video games, etc. Don’t spend your effort avoiding yourself and instead, embrace who you are. Spend time alone without any distractions. Reflect on how you view yourself or what kind of inner dialog you have with yourself. When you find that you're comparing yourself to others, realize that you’re fine just the way you are.^{[8]
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- If you struggle with comparing yourself to others or not feeling “good enough,” say to yourself, “Where I am at is okay.” You can also say, “My best is different than someone else’s best, and that is okay.”
2
Embrace your flaws and perceived weaknesses. Everyone has flaws and weaknesses, so don't allow yours to hold you back. Sometimes things you consider to be a flaw will be things that make you unique or interesting, such as imperfections in your appearance. Other issues that you have with yourself might stem from old wounds in your past that you can work to overcome. Either way, you are worthy of love, so don't hold yourself back from it.
- When you find yourself thinking of a flaw or weakness, write a few positive affirmations that remind you that it won't hold you back.
- Remember, opposites attract, so what you see as a flaw in yourself might be the perfect balance for someone else's personality.^{[9]
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  Expert Source
  
  Louie Felix
  Dating Coach & Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.}
- For example, a person who is worried about a scar might write, "My scar is part of who I am and tells a story about my journey," "My scar is beautiful because it allowed me to survive and keep living," and "My scar is more apparent to me; others won't notice my scar as much because they are more focused on what they like about me."
3
Know your own likes and dislikes. Some people lose themselves when they start to date someone new and are unsure of their own preferences. It’s important to know yourself and your preferences before you include someone new into your life. If you want to share interests with someone else, know your interests first.^{[10]
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- If you don’t know your likes and interests, start doing some exploration. Ask yourself if there’s something you’ve always wanted to do. Try activities you’ve never tried before, like traveling or painting. Find out what ignites you.
- Develop your preferences by trying new things and having different experiences. Explore different cuisines, figure out if you like to take risks, and see how it feels to try something that makes you scared. Do something outside of your comfort zone and see how it feels.
4
Practice hobbies. Hobbies connect you with something you enjoy doing and unleash the potential for expressing creativity.^{[11]
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Research source} You can also connect with potential dates through engaging in a hobby. Ask yourself whether you want to practice your hobbies on your own or whether you’d prefer to do them with a date.
- If you want to start a hobby but don’t know what to do, consider picking up an instrument, engaging in a sport like skiing, starting a collection, or making something by hand.
- For more information, check out How to Find a Hobby.
5
Focus on yourself more than the search for love. Don't try so hard to find the right person to date because it will be counterproductive. The right person will be most interested in you if you show the qualities that they are attracted to, so focus on being what you want to attract. When you are at your best, you'll attract someone who is right for you.
- Write down the qualities about yourself that you'd like your partner to have, as well.
- Go out and have fun without a significant other. This will remind you that you can be happy alone, and it will show others that you are a stable, thriving potential partner.
6
Have a good social network. Before you start dating, it’s important to have friends of your own. It can be easy to get wrapped up in dating and meeting new people, but make sure you have friends that you can count on as a regular part of your life. Otherwise, you may find yourself only meeting new people on dates and not having other people to spend time with. Friends help balance your relationships and provide emotional support and fun.^{[12]
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- Having friends means you put less pressure on someone you’re dating to be everything for you.
- If you don’t have a social network, call up old friends to reconnect. Connect with people with similar interests as you. For example, if you’re vegan, you may want to have vegan friends or if you enjoy biking you may want friends who bike with you. You can also check out How to Make Friends.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Identifying Types to Avoid

1
Watch for signs of abuse. Abuse can be physical, verbal, emotional, psychological, financial, and sexual, and sometimes people may show early warning signs of being an abuser. If someone blames you for things early on, appears entitled, holds onto resentment, or has a high sense of superiority, these can be red flags for potential abuse.^{[13]
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Research source} The problem is, most abusers can hide their behaviors and you may only notice abusive tendencies once you’re attached. Watch closely for the following warning signs and take them seriously when they emerge:
- They try to rush you into a relationship faster than you are ready for or used to.
- They appear "too good to be true."
- They appear to be your perfect match and/or have no flaws.
- They always blame others, including you, for anything negative that happens, and they don't take responsibility for their actions.
- They constantly criticize you, put you down, or try to control how you look or what you wear.
- They try to limit your access to your family and friends.
2
Know your non-negotiables. If you have strong views about what you want to avoid in a potential date, be clear in your mind what those things are. Perhaps you refuse to date someone who eats meat, likes a particular sports team, or is really messy. Know what things you are absolutely sure you cannot and will not budge on and narrow potential dates out with these things.
- For example, if you had a bad previous experience on a date or in a relationship, learn from your mistakes and vow never to make the same mistake again. If you dated a moocher before, don’t do it again.
- Even when you make non-negotiables, be prepared for them to change. For example, if you feel certain you cannot date someone under or over a certain height, you may actually find someone wonderful who doesn’t quite fit that criteria. Be prepared to change items without feeling bad or guilty. Just don’t compromise your values.
3
Avoid “players.” A player is good at playing the game, yet ultimately he or she can hurt you. Look out for warning signs of a player, such as someone who is overly bold, comes on very strong emotionally, orchestrates overly romantic dates, has many acquaintances but few friends, and is a thrill seeker.^{[14]
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Research source} These can be indications that you’re with a player, not a genuine man or woman. While players make you feel good, the feelings quickly dwindle and may leave you feeling empty much sooner than you anticipate.
- Remember that players play the “game” and are quite good at it. Don’t get swept up by a man or woman who plays the game well.
4
Meet new people. One of the best ways to know what works for you and what does not is meeting lots of people. Learn from each interaction and expand your knowledge of people and the world.^{[15]
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Research source} Be willing to go on lots of dates and explore what traits attract you. You’ll likely meet people who interest you and also people who disgust you. Keep in mind that by meeting certain people, you gain a clearer understanding of what kind of person you want to date and what traits you’d like to avoid.
- For example, you may realize that you want to date someone with kids, or you want to date someone without kids. It’s important to figure these things out early.
5
Be open to possibilities. There’s a difference between knowing what you want and being picky versus being biased, callous, or shallow. It’s not fair to say that “all men are jerks” or “all women are high maintenance.” If you’ve been burned before, let it go and wait until you’re ready to move forward once again.^{[16]
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Research source} You may feel strongly about not dating certain people, but be ready to critically think about that boundary.
- Chances are, you won't find anyone who 100% matches what you're looking for. However, if you're open, you can still find someone who will be a great match for you.^{[17]
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  Expert Source
  
  Louie Felix
  Dating Coach & Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.}
- It’s good to know what you want to avoid, but also be willing to look at why those things matter. If you avoid dating people from a certain city, ask yourself if you’re limiting yourself due to a certain bias or bad experience.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I get a perfect match?

Louie Felix
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Louie Felix is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker, and the founder and CEO of Matchmaking VIP, a company which provides concierge-level matchmaking services to clients around the world. He is also the COO of Agape Matchmaking based in New York City. With almost 16 years of professional matchmaking and dating coaching experience, Louie has served as CEO for the United States' two largest matchmaking companies serving over 50,000 clients. He has been featured as an expert matchmaker for shows on E! Entertainment Television, WeTV and the CW. He was also recently acknowledged as a top 5 worldwide matchmaker by both the International Dating Conference and the Matchmakers Alliance. Louie was also selected as one of America's top 10 Relationship Experts for the Great Love Debate National Tour.

Louie Felix

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

It's unlikely that you'll find someone who 100% matches what you're looking for in a partner. However, you can still find a partner who checks most of your boxes and will be a great match for you.
Question

How can I figure out what values I want in a partner?

Louie Felix
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Louie Felix is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker, and the founder and CEO of Matchmaking VIP, a company which provides concierge-level matchmaking services to clients around the world. He is also the COO of Agape Matchmaking based in New York City. With almost 16 years of professional matchmaking and dating coaching experience, Louie has served as CEO for the United States' two largest matchmaking companies serving over 50,000 clients. He has been featured as an expert matchmaker for shows on E! Entertainment Television, WeTV and the CW. He was also recently acknowledged as a top 5 worldwide matchmaker by both the International Dating Conference and the Matchmakers Alliance. Louie was also selected as one of America's top 10 Relationship Experts for the Great Love Debate National Tour.

Louie Felix

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

It's important to get a really clear understanding of who you see yourself with. You might also need to look into past relationships to find out any fears or challenges that could be holding you back from love.