How to Find Your Ideal Partner

Co-authored by Lisa Shield

Last Updated: March 20, 2023 References

Finding an ideal partnership is the product of chance, the proper mindset, and a healthy dose of positive energy. The relationship you can cultivate from an ideal partnership can make life itself more meaningful, and more fun. Of course, it can’t be forced. Be ready for the twist of fate that might bring you and your ideal partner together by focusing on what makes you feel comfortable, confident, and content in your own life.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Putting Yourself Out There

1
Get out there! There are plenty of other ways to meet new people. One of the best ways to do so is by participating in social activities you’re interested in anyway. For instance, start hitting that open mic night you’ve been tempted to check out. Weekly events are great, because you’ll start to recognize people, and vice versa. Even better: find a participatory social activity!
- Join a co-ed sports team. Don’t worry about competitiveness, co-ed leagues are usually causal and fun-oriented. If you meet someone you’d like to get to know better, see if they want to grab a beverage after a game. If your nervous to ask them out, mention that everyone should go out together.
- Start volunteering somewhere. There are organizations of all sorts that are always looking for volunteers. Pick an organization you’re impressed by that focuses on providing services or advocating for something you believe in. Not only will likely meet people with similar perspectives, people find compassion and selflessness attractive.
- When you’re invited to any sort of social gathering, go!
2
Be conscientious, social, and friendly. People tend to pursue romance with those who are similar to themselves, but also different in certain key ways.^{[1]
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Research source} Know that people tend to find conscientiousness, extraversion, and agreeableness attractive.^{[2]
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- Relax. Be aware of your neurotic tendencies. We all have them. Learn not to externalize your stress and nervousness. This is important for your own peace of mind, and will also increase your attractiveness.^{[3]
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3
Spend time with people you admire. Pay attention to what types of character traits you respect and the types of personalities you enjoy interacting with. Plus, hanging out with people you admire provides the chance to meet other people that you are likely to share interests or social circles with. Be sure to introduce yourself warmly to people you don’t know at social functions. Even if you are not romantically interested, this will build your social skills and send a message to others that you are confident and approachable.
- Approach everyone you meet as though you’re thrilled to have the chance.
- Actively listen to people when you first meet them, and enjoy the opportunity to learn about different types of people. There are more of us than we realize, and there’s plenty to learn from one another!
- Maintain friendships with the people that particularly impress you.
4
Be open to new experiences. Know that curiosity and willingness to experience new things are a key component of our individual psychologies. Look for a partner that shares your level of adventure in pursuing new types of experiences.
5
Avoid anyone who looks down on others. Superiority complexes prevent people from being able to contribute equally to mutually fulfilling relationships. If someone believes they’re a “better catch” than their partner, they will likely put less effort into maintaining the relationship. Don’t ever involve yourself with anyone who doesn’t believe you deserve them.^{[4]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Searching for Harmonious Compatibility

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Cooperate more than compromise. Leave it to the intellectuals that study romance to coin a painfully unromantic phrase like “functional harmony”.^{[5]
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Research source} Translating their findings into operable advice: Look for compatibility, not compromise. While compromise is always necessary in any type of relationship, it cannot be the basis of a deeply gratifying romantic partnership.
- Too many compromises, even in a respectful and affectionate relationship, will leave you or your partner wondering about other romantic endeavors. Demand more than attraction and compromise from your relationships, and you’ll wind up happier.
2
Forget the phrase “ideal type”. Realize that the strength and enjoyment derived from your relationships with other human beings has little to do with their most apparent traits, especially physical traits. Don’t waste time searching for an ideal partner. Search for another person with whom you can share an ideal relationship.
- Do not let popular conceptions of ideal romantic partners effect the assumptions you make about who will be your ideal partner. Recognize that your assessment of a potential partner is unique to who you are.^{[6]
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  Research source} There’s beauty in this: your ideal relationship is the product of what you and your partner alone determine.
3
Know what really matters to you. While shared interests and mutual attraction might get the ball rolling, what will lead to a stable, fulfilling relationship? Research indicates that our determination of potential romantic partners, and even our desire for a particular person, depends less on surface-level characteristics the more time we spend with them.^{[7]
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Research source} The more you get to know someone, the more the deeper stuff matters. Pay attention to these characteristics to get an idea of whether you and someone you’re interested in might make an ideal partnership:
- Sense of humor. More than just an important part of your first date, a potential partner’s sense of humor can say a lot about the type of person they are. If you tend to be amused by the same sort of wit, or simply laugh at similar scenarios, take this is a very good sign.
- Financial stability. Not a fun topic, but it matters immensely in long term partnerships. Look for someone who handles their finances similar to the way you do – or even better, so long as you’re willing to step up your financial maturity as well.
- Spirituality. This is an incredibly meaningful aspect of many peoples’ identity. Some people view religious practice as an essential aspect of their lives. Some prefer to let science and reason entirely dictate their understanding of the world. Be aware of someone’s spirituality, especially if it is an important part of their lifestyle or worldview.
4
Weigh the importance of having similar worldviews. Our feelings about the world around us – even about existence itself – matter immensely to our personalities and behavior. Understanding reality in similar ways can predict strong relationships as well. Recognize that psychological similarity – literally thinking like one another – makes for happy, healthy relationships.^{[8]
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- People who have comparably positive outlooks regarding immeasurable concepts (such as whether or not they consider themselves lucky) tend to gravitate towards one another and end up in fulfilling romantic partnerships. That can’t be all luck.
5
Do more than digi-date. Dating apps are a great way to meet people. In fact, 5% of Americans currently in marriages or long-term relationships met online.^{[9]
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Trustworthy Source
Pew Research Center
Nonpartisan thinktank conducting research and providing information on public opinion, demographic trends, and social trends
Go to source} Just don’t expect a cute profile photo and a witty blurb to translate into romantic bliss. It has happened, and will again, but do not let online dating experiences dictate your feelings about yourself or the type of relationship you’re looking for.
6
Be patient. The next hand you shake may fit perfectly in your palm, the next stranger sitting beside you on a train might make your day with a polite compliment, and the human that’s been looking for exactly the sort of ideal relationship you want to be a part of might accidentally lock their bike to yours tomorrow. Be patient, but be excited!

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Maintaining Independence as Partners

1
Think (and talk) about what you want. Decide if you’d prefer to be in an explicitly dating-oriented relationship, as opposed to a long term, deeply-committed relationship. Your ideal partner for each of these scenarios will slightly differ.
- If you’re seeing someone, talk with your partner about the type of relationship you each want. This may lead to productive growth between you, or important conversations about different perspectives that you should both be aware of.
2
Grow independently to grow together. Continue to pursue activities that interest you independently when you’re seeing someone. Pursue activities together in which you each have independent interests. Allow one another the freedom to pursue personal interests. Counter-intuitively, this will diminish the potentially detrimental effects of inevitable differences between your individual identities.
- If you’re both working towards bettering your own happiness, and support one another in doing so, you’ll likely enjoy a happy relationship together.
- Vocalize the fact that you’re glad that you’re both comfortable with having separate interests.
- Enjoy one another’s self-contentment. Let the relationship you share together validate who each of you are as individuals. A romantic relationship will provide a shared sense of satisfaction if it empowers both of you to be even happier because you’re together.
3
Appreciate the love your partner shares with you. An ideal partnership will only last if you can easily relate to one another, and continue to be comfortable together. Recognize the value of spending time with those who seems to grasp and appreciate your approach to everyday life. This sort of natural compatibility supersedes any specific features that you may overinflate – either positively or negatively – in a relationship that lacks this unspoken admiration for one another’s way of living.^{[10]
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- Tell your partner that you’re immeasurably happy to be a part of their life, and that you’re equally thrilled that they’re a part of yours.
4
Allow yourself to love completely. This is harder (and much less cheesy) than it sounds. Profound romantic connection is an incredibly exciting experience. It requires physical attraction, intellectual admiration, and an often inexplicable contentment in one another’s presence.^{[11]
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Research source} Be fully conscious of the way you feel while you’re developing a healthy, mutually-fulfilling romantic bond. There are few experiences in life that compare to sharing a partnership that empowers and enables two people to love each other completely. This will be most evident in unexpected moments of nonsensical joy. Enjoy them!

Expert Q&A

Question

How does your ideal partner look like?

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.

Lisa Shield

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

When you're looking for a partner, look for someone who's kind, who follows through on commitments, and who is accountable for their actions. By the time you're in your late 20s to early 30s, you want to see that this person has their life on track, with a good handle on their finances and is working on a career. Those things are really important if you're hoping to get married and raise a family together.