How to Know Whether You're Sexually Compatible

Co-authored by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT and Janice Tieperman

Last Updated: September 15, 2021 References

Relationships can be tricky waters to navigate, especially if you’re starting to take things to the next level. If thinking about having sex or you’ve just started getting intimate, you may be wondering if you and your partner are on the same page. Look over the answers to some of the most common questions people have, and see if they clear things up a little bit.

Question 1 of 7:

What does being sexually compatible mean?

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Sexual compatibility is a fancy term for how in-tune you are with your partner. This chalks up to your sexual preferences and desires, your beliefs or attitudes towards sex, your turn-ons, and what your needs are. Basically, the more sexual compatibility you have with your partner, the more satisfied you’ll feel after you’re both intimate together.
- For example, if you and your partner have similar kinks, you’re probably very compatible in the bedroom.
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Sexual compatibility isn’t just physical. It’s about how similar you and your partner’s needs and desires are on a mental, emotional, and behavioral level.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
Licensed Relationship Therapist
Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.} A lot of people find that when they’re more sexually compatible, they feel happier with their relationship overall.

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Sexual compatibility often comes down to perception. You can have different turn-ons and still be compatible with your partner. What matters most is that both you and your partner feel satisfied and happy with your sex lives, even if you have different preferences.^{[2]
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Research source} To be truly compatible, you both need to able to openly talk about your sexual needs and boundaries.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
Licensed Relationship Therapist
Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.}

Question 2 of 7:

What does it feel like to be sexually compatible with your partner?

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You’re satisfied with the intimacy in your relationship. When you’re sexually compatible with your partner, you’ll feel a lot more fulfilled after sex. This sense of happiness and fulfillment helps you feel happier and more satisfied with your relationship.
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You feel a lot happier in your relationship overall. If you and your partner are on the save wavelength in the bedroom, you’ll probably feel more fulfilled and happy with your relationship overall. If you aren’t meeting each other’s needs and desires, your relationship may suffer because of it.^{[4]
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Question 3 of 7:

How do I know if I’m compatible with someone?

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You’re both engaged and interested when things get intimate. You can both get into the rhythm, and you both end up feeling satisfied afterward. Generally, when you’re sexually compatible, you’ll have sex a fairly frequent basis, and not once in a blue moon.
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You’re probably incompatible if you just aren’t lining up with your partner. You both might have trouble finding the right rhythm, or finding a style that you both really like. Additionally, you or your partner might not feel very engaged, or like you need to satisfy yourself separately after the fact.^{[5]
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Research source} Studies show that people who need to pleasure themselves a lot within a relationship aren’t usually sexually satisfied.^{[6]
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Question 4 of 7:

What should I do if I’m incompatible with my partner?

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Meet with a therapist if mental or emotional issues are causing the problem. If you and your partner aren’t on the same page sexually, there might be something else at play. Schedule an appointment with a psychotherapist—there might be some deeper issues that are getting between you and your partner.
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Talk to a sex therapist to get a more experienced perspective. Similar to marriage counseling, sex therapy tackles sex-related issues at their roots. Explain what’s been going on, and see if your therapist can shed some light on what might be causing the incompatibility.
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Stop by a sex shop to change things up. If you and your partner don’t have a lot in common in the bedroom, you might just need to expand your repertoire. Browse your local sex shop and see if there are any toys that appeal to both of you.
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Try an open relationship if your partner is okay with it. This option definitely isn’t for everyone, but it might be a good option if sex is becoming something of a roadblock in your relationship. Talk with your partner about a possible arrangement that could work for both of you, and leave you both feeling satisfied and happy.^{[7]
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Question 5 of 7:

Should you marry for love or compatibility?

You should aim for a little bit of both in a long-term relationship. Love is a wonderful emotion, but it isn’t necessarily permanent. Similarly, you don’t want your entire marriage to revolve around sex. Instead, center your marriage in concrete, long-lasting ideals, like mutual goals and respect.^{[8]
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Question 6 of 7:

How do you know if you’re good in bed?

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You’ll feel good about it, and your partner will, too. If you’re skilled in bed, you’ll feel confident when it comes time to be intimate. You’ll also be flexible, and willing to change things up a bit. You’ll also understand your own personal needs, and go the extra mile to climax whenever you’re intimate.
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Your partner will be into it. Sex can be an abstract part of a relationship—you and your partner probably aren’t giving each other really in-depth feedback and compliments. Still, if your partner is engaged and turned on, they probably think you’re doing a great job.^{[9]
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Question 7 of 7:

Is sexual compatibility all that matters in a relationship?

Not at all! There are a lot of factors that make a relationship work, and sex is just a single piece of a larger pie. Other factors, like timeliness, cleanliness, spending habits, and general priorities play a big role in how compatible you and your partner are. If you aren’t compatible when it comes to basic things, like arriving somewhere on time or staying organized around the home, your relationship may still run into issues.^{[10]
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- For instance, if you arrive to dates 5 minutes early and your partner is always 15 minutes late, that could spark issues later on.
- If you want to start a family and your partner is focused on their career, that could also lead to compatibility issues further down the line.

Expert Q&A

Question

Can a kiss determine compatibility?

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
Licensed Relationship Therapist
Alysha Jeney is a Licensed Relationship Therapist, the Owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box. She specializes in relationship therapy, intimacy building, and existential exploration. Alysha holds a BA in Psychology from The Metropolitan State University of Denver and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Regis University. She has been featured in publications such as The Washington Post and The Huffington Post.

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT

Licensed Relationship Therapist

Expert Answer

A kiss alone doesn't determine your compatibility. Instead, you both need to have the same attitudes and expectations about what sex represents in your relationship.
Question

How do you know you're not sexually compatible?

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
Licensed Relationship Therapist
Alysha Jeney is a Licensed Relationship Therapist, the Owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box. She specializes in relationship therapy, intimacy building, and existential exploration. Alysha holds a BA in Psychology from The Metropolitan State University of Denver and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Regis University. She has been featured in publications such as The Washington Post and The Huffington Post.

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT

Licensed Relationship Therapist

Expert Answer

You might have trouble communicating your needs, boundaries, and curiosities in an effective way with your partner. You might also have some trouble feeling comfortable and vulnerable around each other in sexy situations.