This article was co-authored by Allison Broennimann, PhD. Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.
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Figuring out who your best friends are can be tricky, emotional, and confusing! To determine who your best friends are, evaluate your friendships. Consider several dimensions of your relationships. How much time do you spend with this friend? Does this friend communicate well with you? Does this friend stand up for you and support you? Throughout the process, remain patient, open, and honest!
Steps
Evaluating the Time You Spend With Your Friends
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1Assess which of your friends asks you to hang out the most. Best friends want to spend time with you. They set aside blocks in their schedules to spend with you. Best friends plan fun activities and adventures to experience with you. Additionally, you frequently ask them to spend time with you too!
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2Determine which friends you spend the most time with. Best friends are intentional about spending time with you. Your best friends attend all of your major life events, such as weddings and funerals. They are present at all of the little events too--from small birthday parties to your home sporting events. Often, you hang out “just because”--no special occasion is needed to bring you together.Advertisement
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3Consider why you spend time with your friends. Best friends spend time together because they genuinely enjoy one another’s company. Best friends aren’t seasonal friends--they are there for you year-round, not just when school is in session or football is in season. Your best friends don’t spend time with you only when it is convenient for them or they want to use your swimming pool.
Assessing Your Friends’ Communication Skills
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1Consider which of your friends are the best listeners. Best friends are active listeners. When you speak, your best friends should give you their full attention--your BFF’s phone should remain in a pocket, purses, or on a table.
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2Determine which friends only talk about themselves. Best friends want to hear about each other’s struggles and triumphs, fears and dreams. Friends that constantly turn the conversation back to themselves are not your best friend. Friends that never ask you about your life or how you are feeling are not interested in getting to know you.[1]
- If you or your friend has had a rough day, one person may dominate more of the conversation.
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3Evaluate your friends’ response times. Best friends respond to your text messages. They return your calls. They pick up the phone--even if you ring them at the early hours. Friends that fail to respond, or gets around to it when they feel like it, are not reliable communicators. Don't think they are unreliable if they don't answer you at the early hours, they probably need a rest. [2]
Considering Your Friends Loyalty to You
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1Determine which of your friends can keep a secret. When you share a secret with your best friends, they shouldn't tell the next person they bump into! Your relationship with your best friends is built on mutual trust and respect. They don’t spread rumors about you, they squash them!
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2Decide which of your friends have your back. Best friends stand up for each other no matter the circumstances. Best friends stick up for you when you can’t defend yourself. They don’t join in on the bullying, add to the teasing, or spread a rumor about you!
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3Evaluate your friends’ willingness to forgive you. Everyone makes mistakes--even best friends. Best friends don’t hold grudges or give each other the silent treatment. Instead, they allow each other to explain why they are upset. They take part in a dialogue--not a screaming match. They apologize for their misgivings and learn from their mistakes. At the end of a fight, best friends forgive each other.[3]
Determining if Your Friends Support You
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1Consider which of your friends are truly happy for you. When you experience success, your best friends should be the first people to congratulate you. Best friends are not competitive with one another but supportive of each other. Jealous friends are not your best friends.
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2Evaluate their ability to encourage you. Best friends give each other an extra boost of confidence before an exam or a job interview. They build each other up with positivity, instead of tearing each other down with negative criticism. Best friends don’t belittle each other.[4]
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3Decide which of your friends are positive influences. Best friends hold each other to higher standards. Your best friends should steer you towards positive influences and decisions because they care for your safety, health, and happiness. Friends that place you in an awkward, embarrassing situation or don't respect your boundaries do not have your best interest in mind.[5] [6]
Reaching a Conclusion
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1Reflect on your answers. Take some time to think about your answers to these questions. Spend a few hours journaling or go for a long walk.
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2Talk to your best friends. Once you have processed the information, make an effort to talk to your best friends. Let them know how much you appreciate them! Write them a card, take them out to dinner, or make them a pan of your famous brownies!
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3Continue to work on your friendships. Now that you have figured out who your best friends are, focus on further developing your relationships with them. Continue to spend time with them, make an effort to be present at all of their major milestones and minor events. Keep the lines of communication open and never take your best friends for granted!
References
- ↑ http://mic.com/articles/113794/here-are-all-the-little-ways-you-know-they-re-your-best-friend
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/04/qualities-of-real-friends_n_5709821.html
- ↑ http://classroom.synonym.com/friend-breaks-promise-20815.html
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/04/qualities-of-real-friends_n_5709821.html
- ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 January 2021.
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/04/qualities-of-real-friends_n_5709821.html
- ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 January 2021.
- ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 January 2021.
Community Q&A
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QuestionIt depends on whether they actually have known me forever and they care for me. Isn't that right?
Community AnswerThey don't necessarily have to have known you forever, but caring for you is a must! Most best friends should also know you inside and out. -
QuestionHow can I find a friend I can trust?
Community AnswerIf you feel a deep connection with someone, if you can talk about things that really matter to you and they don't back off and become distant, then you can start to let your trust take over a little bit. Only time will tell if they are worthy of your trust. -
QuestionWhat should I do if my best friend betrayed me?Community AnswerYou should ask him/her why they did that and try and talk it out. If that person is truly your best friend, they will apologize and try to work things out.
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About This Article
To find out who your best friends are, think about the friends you spend the most time with. The people that go with you to events and hang out for no particular reason are likely to be close friends. Also, think about which friends initiate spending time with you. The ones that invite you out and call just to chat probably think of you as a best friend. It can also help to look at how your friends respond when you contact them. Best friends will answer your messages and calls whenever they are able to. Another way to find out who your best friends are is to see which friends are loyal to you. If your friend is good at keeping secrets and is supportive, they are probably a best friend. For more advice on finding out who your best friends are, like how to know which friends are the best listeners, read on!
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