How to Find out if Your Child Is Hiding Something

Keep your door open. Your child should know that they can come to you at any time to talk. You might think your child already knows this, but reminding them on occasion may be helpful. This should be done with no pressure, not after a room search or questioning.

• Simply say "I understand that you may be going through things that are confusing or troubling. Growing up can be hard. You can always come and talk to me about anything — no matter how small."
• When your child does open up, reinforce this behavior by affirming it: "I know that must have been hard for you to talk about. I really appreciate you trusting me to tell me about what's going on with you."

Attend to your child. Parents are often juggling a dozen tasks at once, which means you may miss opportunities to have meaningful conversations with your child. When your child decides to talk to you, aim to listen.

• Monitor your nonverbal body language to ensure that it is open (i.e. arms and legs uncrossed), that you are oriented towards them, that you make regular eye contact, and that you make expressions to show you are listening, such as nodding.
• When you fail to attend to your child when they are trying to talk to you, you send the message that what they to say isn't important.^[2] This may cause them to keep things to themselves in the future.

Look for conversation openers. When your child has the need to talk to you, try to make yourself available as soon as possible. You've learned that your body language can signal a disinterest in what your child has to say. This is also true when you miss conversation openers.^[3]

• Consider this scenario: Your teenage daughter comes home upset. You ask what's wrong and she starts talking about a fight with her best friend. You realize that she is only upset about "teenage drama" and you slowly tune her out or half-listen. If she notices that you are not engaging in the conversation, she will shut down.
• Use even the simplest conversations as a way to connect with and get closer to your child. If they feel like they can talk to you about the little things, they may be more confident that you'll listen to the big things.

Search their room. As an adult in your household and primary protector of your children, you have an obligation to know what your children are up to. You never know whether you need to be protecting your child from someone else or from themselves. It may feel deeply wrong to snoop around your child's room. But, if you suspect they are hiding something — and they are unlikely to fess up on their own — taking a look around their bedroom might be the only way to shed light on the situation.

• If you decide to search, look in drawers beneath or between clothes, under the bed, in between notebooks, CD or DVD cases, in backpacks or duffel bags, in pockets of clothes hanging in the closet, inside books with pages cut out, inside the trash can, and under loose floorboards among other places.^[4]
• Your child's room is a sacred domain to them, and having privacy there helps them learn to set boundaries with others. That's why snooping around in your child's bedroom should be done as a last resort — when signs have pointed to there being something amiss, or when you have clearly found evidence.^[5]

Check their computer and/or phone. As a part of your search, you might want to do a cursory glance at any electronic devices your child uses. Look through your child's tablet, laptop, and/or cell phone.

• Be on the lookout for any social media apps that you have not given your child permission to use in addition to messenger apps. Your child could be communicating with people who are posing as teenagers and are in fact child predators.
• Be very wary if your child has many password-protected apps. Furthermore, if your child is adamant about not handing over passwords, this might be an indication that they are hiding something in their phone or computer. You may have to install monitoring apps on these devices to keep a closer eye on your child's usage.
• Certain apps are now being designed to help conceal photos, videos, messages, and other apps that your child does not want you to see. These include Vaulty and Hide It Pro. Stay on top of new apps such as these and beware if you find them in your child's phone. ^[6]
• Similar to their bedroom, technology is often a private thing for your child; limit these searches to when something seems wrong and your child won't open up.

Be straightforward and explain the need to search. Tell your child your reasons for searching their room and be upfront if you found any questionable evidence.^[7] Don't try to set them up in a lie by asking if they are doing anything wrong; they will probably lie to protect themselves. If you found unsettling evidence, present it to your child in a straightforward manner and ask them to explain it.

• For example, you might say, "You have recently been being very secretive and staying out late. I searched your room because I wanted to make sure you are not involved in anything that can be harmful to you or others. During the search, I found this... Can you explain why you have it?"
• When you follow this method, the practice is upfront and honest and your child understands that it is happening as a result of their own actions.

Know the tell-tale signs of a lie. If you suspect that your child is lying, explain to them that lying is unacceptable and outline the repercussions (e.g. loss of privileges).^[8] Here's how to spot a lie:^[9]

• Surprised expression (i.e. raised eyebrows, open mouth or dropped jaw horizontal wrinkles across forehead, etc.) when a certain subject is broached or question is asked.
• Fearful expression (i.e. open mouth with tension, brows drawn together, raised upper lid, but tense lower lid, etc.) when a certain subject is broached or question is asked.
• Relief when the subject is changed.
• Answers that sound rehearsed.
• Answers that dodge the initial question.
• Answer that give a surplus of detail to fill the silence.
• Discrepancies in how they say they feel versus their facial expression and body language.

Refrain from passing judgment or lecturing. There are times when your child may inadvertently share details about themselves or their friends that you find alarming. You immediately rush to tell your child why this is wrong. Unless your child tells you information that is life-threatening, pass up the lecturing and listen instead.