How to Flirt on Instagram Dms

Co-authored by Hardy Jean and Caroline Heiderscheit

Last Updated: October 20, 2022 References

These days, Instagram DMs are where the magic happens. If you're eyeing someone specific or just looking to date generally, sliding into someone's DMs is an undeniably smart move. But it may feel like there are so many unanswered questions surrounding the art of the DM. Should you follow them before you message? Should you introduce yourself or just jump right in? Never fear, we've covered absolutely everything you need to know. To discover how you can flirt your way from Instagram DMs to an in-person hangout, read on.

1

Do: Follow them first.

Follow your crush first, and they’ll feel more comfortable with your DM.^{[1]
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Research source} On Instagram, a history of liking someone’s photos and appearing on their feed can make you seem way more approachable—so hit the follow button before you message. Raise your chances of getting a response by giving them time to check out your mutuals and that cute pic of you with your puppy.
- Play the long game if you have the patience. Follow someone you think looks cool, wait a few weeks, like a few photos, and then message them.
- Use following them as a way to gauge their interest. If they follow you back, this could be a sign that they’re interested in you. Now, reach out.
- If they’re on private and accept your follower request, check out their profile to get a better sense of whether or not they’re single.

2

Don't: Go overboard with likes and messages.

Liking their photo from six years ago could be an instant mood killer. Show your interest in casual, more mysterious ways. If you’ve just followed them, wait for them to post a photo and then like that.^{[2]
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Research source} Or, if they don't post anything new, just like their profile's most recent photo to send a subtle message: I’m interested in you, but I’m no stalker.
- To avoid coming on too strong, message them only once or twice. Double DMs can come off as a bit pushy or overeager.
- Send your opener, then wait for a response. If you think there’s a chance that they missed your message, send one polite follow-up.
- If they don’t respond to your first message or they don’t respond super quickly, don’t send more than one follow-up. Instead, be patient or move on.
- That said, liking pictures is the most basic Instagram function. It's almost as if you're expected to like someone's pictures if you follow them. It's definitely possible to flirt on Instagram just by leaving comments before jumping in the DM.

3

Do: Comment on something you have in common.

Use common ground as an excuse to start a friendly conversation. DM them something casual, sweet, and relevant to them. You can always pivot to a more flirtatious tone down the line, so open with a subtle, low-pressure conversation starter. If you're nervous, send a DM that reads like it was totally offhand and impromptu (Oh, you love The Smiths, too? What a coincidence…).
- “Wait. How did I not know that you’re in Bed-Stuy? You must live, like, five min from me. Have you been to Peaches Hothouse yet?? 🤤”
- “Omg, Sam…I was at this show as well!! How good were they?? Also, looks like you were way closer to the stage than I was, lol. 🙃”
- “No wayyyyy. I just started a pottery class too! Literally none of my bowls have been usable yet, haha. 🙄 But this looks amazing! Where’d you do this?”
- Instagram is a great way to really build familiarity with the other person, since it creates a semblance of safety and people are typically more willing to open up to someone if they feel as if they share common passions, viewpoints, and other views.

4

Don't: Bother including an intro.

Your Instagram profile already provides your name and photo. So, leave out the formal introduction and background information when you're drafting your message. With formal intros, your message gets off to a clunky start: “Hi, you don’t know me, but my name is…” Instead, send a clean, entertaining, or flirty message.
- Jump right in with a question: “Hey. Love your blue hair. Where’d you get it done? 💇‍♀️”
- Or, start right away with a flirty comment: "You're like Margo Robbie's twin and I am HERE for it... 🤩"
- If you’ve met them but aren't sure they'll remember, that's a unique case when an intro may help: "Hey! This is Drew. I met you at the party last week..."

5

Do: Make them laugh.

Craft a funny opener, and you’ll be more likely to get a response. Send over a silly, engaging DM, and you’ll have their full attention. Tease them, find a way to make fun of yourself, or send a playful pickup line. Making someone laugh is super attractive, so it’s sure to help you out down the line.
- Tease them if they post about their favorite sports team: “Aw, you like the Clippers? What’s it like rooting for the second-best NBA team in LA? 😉”
- If they post about a success on their story, send a funny reply: “Congrats on the marathon! I ran a full ten yards to the bus today, guess we’re both all-stars ⭐️”
- If they post a selfie, send a compliment that can also make them laugh: “Woah. Do you kiss frogs?! Cause I’m getting Disney royalty vibes from you. 🧝🏾‍♀️”

6

Don't: Say anything you wouldn’t say in person.

On Insta, you may feel too comfortable sharing things you shouldn’t. Hold off on giving out personal details, messaging inappropriate things, or saying anything that wouldn’t quite feel right in person. Instead, focus on making sure they’re getting to know the IRL version of you—not the version of you that only exists in their DMs.
- Before you send a message, consider whether or not you’d think it was appropriate to say in person.^{[3]
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- Think carefully before you send a message that might come off as disrespectful, especially if it’s sexual. If you’re unsure at all, don’t send it.
- Don’t offer up identifying info that isn’t on your profile. Definitely avoid giving out details like your SSN, your address, or your card numbers.

7

Do: Send a flirtatious message.

Send a message that flatters them and expresses your interest. Write a DM that’s understated—but complimentary. If you want to make your intentions clear right off the bat, open with a flirty message and it'll be mission accomplished. Send over a sweet compliment, a flirty comment, or a risque question. Aim to flatter and entertain, but don't get sexual right away.^{[4]
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- “Oof, that smile! You’ve gotta be kidding me. I can’t take it—too beautiful 🤒”
- If they post a selfie of them kissing their cup of coffee, send a funny, flirty response: “Oh, to be a soy latte rn. 😉”
- Or, send a bold, playful question: “You’re cute, I’m single, and I think it would be tragic for us not to get to know each other. What do you say? 😋”

8

Don't: Send sexy photos without thinking it through first.

Hot photos are exciting, but they shouldn’t be sent casually. There are so many things to consider before you send out a risque shot. Ask yourself, will the other person be happy I sent this photo? Will my photo be safe? Would I be bummed if this photo got out? Before you hit send, take at least an hour to think it through.^{[5]
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- Ask yourself if the other person will want this photo and be expecting it. If you plan to send something sexual, get consent from them first.
- If you’re unsure, talk to a friend you trust. The decision should be yours, and you shouldn’t feel pressured. But their opinion could offer some perspective.
- Avoid sending photos to people you’ve just connected with. Get to know them first. Establish a flirty rapport and mutual trust before sending a sexy photo.

9

Do: Ask questions to keep the conversation going.

Asking questions raises your chances of getting a response. As you two keep chatting on Insta, make sure your messages always include at least one question. That way, the other person can always find an easy way to continue the conversation. Focus on being thoughtful. If you want to make a great impression, take extra time to craft responses that you feel great about sending.
- “Your dog is sooooo cute. It’s killin’ me. What breed is he? 🐩”
- “You’re an analyst? That’s amazing. My sister has actually thought about going that route—what’s surprised you about the job so far? 😊”

10

Don't: Ask to meet before you’ve gotten to know each other.

The goal is to meet IRL, but if you move too quickly, it could feel rushed. If you jump straight into an in-person meetup, you could raise some red flags. This person is sussing out the situation with you just like you are with them, so take your time getting to know each other. Focus on connecting with them and enjoying your conversation.^{[6]
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- As a rough rule of thumb, wait until you’ve DM’d back and forth five times or until you’ve been talking for a week.
- Before you two make plans to meet up in person, make sure you've had a video call. This way, you know that this person is who you expect them to be.^{[7]
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11

Do: Suggest you two meet in person.

Finally, the best part—getting to see your crush in person! Send a great opener, lay the groundwork in conversation, and then finally, ask to meet up. If you two have never met in person before, suggest a public place and tell a friend exactly where you’ll be. For bonus points, brainstorm places and activities that you two discussed over DM. Incorporate that into your invite.
- “Hey, I was thinking. We’ve been messaging on here for a while, and I think you’re really cool. Would you want to hang out sometime? 🥳”
- “Alright, I’ve gotta say. It’s not every day I meet a total hottie who also happens to love film as much as I do. Should we meet at the theater this week? 🧐”
- “After talking about Bondi Beach so much, it feels right that that's where we'd meet for the first time. What do you think? Friday work? 🌊😇”

12

Don't: Expect success every time.

With Instagram DMs, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Put yourself out there, take a chance, and then, if things don’t go your way, don’t sweat it. There are a million reasons that someone might not return a DM or might forget to follow up. Luckily, you don’t need to concern yourself with the “why.” Instead, remember that keeping an open mind is the key to successful dating.
- If someone doesn't follow up, vent to a friend, go grab a treat, and then, move on. There's no shortage of amazing people on Instagram!
- You deserve to find someone great—someone who really cares about you. For the best chance at getting that, focus on staying positive.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you subtly flirt on Instagram?

Hardy Jean
Dating Coach
Hardy "Coach DT" Jean is a Dating Coach and the Head Coach & Co-Founder of Way Tooo Spicy LLP, a relationship and dating coaching service based in Boston, Massachusetts. Hardy's specialties include trauma healing, self-love practices, and modern dating tactics in an increasingly virtual world. He works with his clients to upgrade their dating experiences through healing trauma, implementing uniquely personalized dating gameplans, and empowering clients to attract partners that they deserve. He has a BA in Legal Studies from the University of Massachusetts Amherst and is currently pursuing his Juris Doctor at Northeastern School of Law.

Hardy Jean

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Try flirting in the comments! Take your original message and split it up into 3 or 4 different messages and comments on different parts of different posts. That way, you create a little game between you and the person you're flirting with—they see your messages by looking at the 3-4 different posts, but no one else can see the messages like that.