How to Get Along With Your Parents

Last Updated: December 1, 2022 References

Sometimes it can feel like getting along with your parents is impossible. However, they are perhaps your best teachers, and will likely influence many of the decisions you make. If you are feeling like you and your parents can’t get on the same page, take steps to try to understand them better.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Improving Your Relationship With Your Parents

1
Make time with your parents. Your parents won’t always be around, so spend time with them while you are able to. This doesn’t mean just sitting in front of the TV together. Instead, find activities to do together. In doing this, you will learn more about what your parents enjoy doing, and it will keep things light and hopefully tension free.
- Ask them what activities they might like to do together with you. For example, maybe they would enjoy playing a sport, going to the movies, going shopping, etc.
2
Talk with your parents. In order to understand your parents better, you have to spend time engaging in conversation with them. Use this time to learn about their different hobbies, opinions, beliefs and values, to connect with them on a deeper level.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Peggy Rios, PhD
Counseling Psychologist (Florida)
Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.}
- For example, you can ask them to tell you about their own childhood, or about how they felt when they found out they were going to have you. It doesn’t matter too much what you ask, the point is to spend time learning about them.
- This will also demonstrate to your parents that you are interested in them as people, more than you are interested in them as your authority.
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3
Listen to them actively. This may seem obvious, but it is often harder than you think. When you are communicating with your parents, make sure you are listening.
- This means looking them when they are talking, not interrupting them, and speaking clearly when responding.^{[2]
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  Research source}
- If you’re not sure what they meant when they said something, try repeating back what you think they meant.^{[3]
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  Research source} Respectfully ask for clarification if they have said something that you do not quite understand.
- If you are on your cell phone, listening to music, or on the computer, then stop what you are doing when they are talking to you. It can be really difficult to talk to someone when you feel that they are engaged in something else. Additionally, doing this demonstrates that you respect them more than whatever it is you're doing.
4
Share your feelings with them. This may be challenging depending on your current relationship with your parents, but do your best. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a discussion about trying to understand them better (although it can be). You can also talk to them about something at school that is bothering you, or something you are excited or scared about.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Peggy Rios, PhD
Counseling Psychologist (Florida)
Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.}
- Regardless of the topic, do your best to stay calm and be as logical as you can. Sometimes these conversations steer in the direction of conflict. If your parents have opinions that you don’t agree with, then understand that this is OK, and try to remain respectful.
5
Ask for help. If you ask your parents for help, you demonstrate to them that you respect them, and their knowledge of how to do something. You could, for example, ask them to help you with your math homework or to proof-read an essay you’ve written.
- Listen to what they have to say and don’t get offended. Critical feedback, regardless of who it is from, can often feel like a personal attack; however, remember that they are just doing their best to help you.
6
Make your parents feel proud. There are many, many ways that you can impress your parents. By making an extra effort, you will show them that you are becoming more mature, and that they can begin to discuss things with you less as a child and more as a young adult.
- For example, if you wash the dishes after dinner, your parents will be reminded of how lucky they are to have you, and will be more willing to discuss matters that are important to you.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Handling Conflict

1
Recognize the nature of parent/child relationships. The relationship you have with your parents will evolve as you become older.^{[5]
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Research source} Therefore, it is important for you, as the child, to understand that this transition can be difficult for your parents. As a young child, there main job was to keep you safe and healthy. However, as you get older, the relationship transitions from caregiver to a more friend-like relationship, and it can be difficult to make this transition smoothly so understand that conflict is apart of the process.
- During these transitions, you will likely feel that they don’t recognize your independence, but try to remember that they are having to let go of their child to some degree, which is very emotionally difficult for many parents.
2
Look at the conflict from their perspective. Sometimes, it can be helpful to try and imagine that you were in their situation.^{[6]
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Research source} You might see that they are worried for your safety, or for the consequences of a certain action. This doesn’t mean it should change your mind or make you agree with them, but it can help you to find the source of the conflict.
- If you feel that they are open to it, try to explain the conflict from your point of view, too.
3
Avoid making it personal. When arguing with someone, it can be very tempting to add in personal comments such as, “you’re a bad parent” or “you never listen to me”. This makes the conversation feel like an attack, and will most likely cause them to withdraw from communicating openly.^{[7]
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- If it starts to become personal, consider taking a break, and beginning the conversation again later.
4
Listen to the point-of-view of your parents. Before you begin a conversation about a lingering conflict, resolve to listen openly to what they have to say and accept that they may have valid points.^{[8]
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5
Look at the conflict from their perspective. Sometimes, it can be helpful to try and imagine that you were in their situation.^{[9]
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Research source} You might see that they are worried for your safety, or for the consequences of a certain action. This doesn’t mean it should change your mind or make you agree with them, but it can help you to find the source of the conflict.
- If you feel that they are open to it, try to explain the conflict from your point of view, too.
6
Think about what you will say before you say it. During a conflict it is easy to let the words flow out of your mouth without thinking about how they might come across. Before responding to anything, take a few seconds to think about what you want to say, and then to think about how this will sound to the person receiving it.^{[10]
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- You may think it will seem weird to others if you don’t respond quickly; however, in this situation it is better to take time to construct a response than to just let whatever comes into your head come out of your mouth!
7
Take some time. If the conflict escalates despite efforts to resolve it, take a break.^{[11]
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Research source} Tell your parents that you need some time to think about everything and to calm down. This may be 10 minutes or it may be a day. In the mean time, do something productive that will help release any anger you are feeling.
- For example, go for a walk or a run, meditate, write in a journal. Whatever it is, make sure that it is something good. Punching a wall, for example, may help release tension, but it may harm you physically.
- Most likely, your parents will agree that it may be a good idea to take a break; however, if they seem to keep pursuing the fight despite your attempts to suggest a break, it may be best to simply walk away before the fight escalates even more!
8
Agree to disagree. If the conflict is about values or beliefs, it is entirely possible that you will not be able to resolve the conflict.^{[12]
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Research source} In this case, you may suggest respectfully agreeing to disagree. This means that you will keep your belief and your parent’s will keep theirs, and that you will recognize and understand that you cannot agree on the matter. You may decide together that you will simply leave this topic out of conversation as much as possible.
- Be aware that this step may not be suitable for many types of conflicts. However, for certain matters (e.g. religious differences) it may offer a good way out of a conflict that might otherwise damage your relationship.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Maintaining the Relationship

1
Schedule time together. Like any relationship, in order to maintain your relationship with your parents, you will need to be able to spend time together just like when you are improving your relationship. This might mean taking your parents out for lunch or dinner, running errands with them, or helping them clean the garage.
- If there are certain types of tasks that tend to lead to conflict, then do your best to avoid them. For example, if conflict tends to arise about the best way to paint a wall, then don’t offer to help them paint their house. Instead, make time to do something else, like have coffee together.
- In some cases, it may not be possible to schedule time to be physically together. In this instance, you can also schedule phone calls, or video calls using the computer. The important part is that you make time where you can casually chat with your parents about what is happening in your life, and that they can chat with you about their own lives.
2
Be kind. This can mean doing something nice for your parents, such as hand making them a card, or it can simply mean that you should always try to be kind in your interactions with them. Before you open your mouth to say something to your parents, think about how it might make them feel.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Peggy Rios, PhD
Counseling Psychologist (Florida)
Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.}
- It is nice if you can do a mixture of both actions and words. Occasionally, you can surprise them through a nice action; however, you should try to use kind words as often as you can, and ideally, always.
3
Be appreciative. How you do this depends on the dynamics of your family. If your family enjoys being affectionate, then you can give them a kiss or a hug along with a, “thank you for everything you do for me”. This is good to do any time, but can be especially helpful if there has been a lot of tension between you and your parents lately.
- If your family doesn’t typically engage in physical affection, you can simply say, “thank you” and explain why you appreciate them. If you feel nervous about saying these things in person, you could also try writing them a letter.
- You can also be specific in your appreciation. For example, if your mother or father makes you an especially delicious dinner then say thank you, and tell them how much you enjoy it when they cook for you.
4
Create boundaries.^{[14]
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Research source} If you are an adult with your own life, you and your parents may need to set boundaries with one another in order to maintain a healthy relationship. This means that you must sit down together to discuss how you will respect one another’s boundaries.
- For example, you might set the boundary that your parents are not allowed to tell you how you should spend your money or where you should live, and your parents may set the boundary that you are not allowed to turn up at their home without calling in advance.
5
Remain in contact. As in all relationships, conflict will inevitably arise. During conflict, the likelihood that one party or the other will simply stop communicating altogether rises. This can effectively end the relationship all together. Therefore, to maintain the relationship, do your best to always stay in contact with your parents, even if it is just through email or letters until the conflict has been resolved, or at least until you are both calm enough to start over.^{[15]
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Warnings

Don’t insult or yell at your parents. In doing this, you demonstrate that you are not very mature, and your parents are less likely to want to try to understand where you’re coming from.^{[16]
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