How to Get Back at a Jerk

Co-authored by Jessica George, MA, CHt

Last Updated: March 18, 2023 References

Let’s face it; jerks are everywhere. We’ve all had someone go out of their way to be mean to us at one point or another. It can be very frustrating to deal with someone whose express intention is to cut you down for no good reason. Rather than trying to fight back head-on, however, you should make an attempt to understand why bullies and jerks act the way they do, and smother the fire by making sure they don’t get what they’re after.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Deflating a Jerk

1
Be kind to them. Take a counter intuitive approach and break the jerk down by being stubbornly, persistently nice. As the old saying goes “kill them with kindness.” Treat the jerk's insensitive comments like jokes, or disarm them by asking personal questions with genuine interest. Interact with them like they're a close friend, rather than an enemy who needs to be taught a lesson. A lot the time, jerks act unfriendly because they feel a lack of friendliness themselves. By being nice to someone who’s mistreating you, you’re telling them that it’s more important to get along than to argue.^{[1]
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- Think of kindness as a kind of cure for rudeness. If a jerk receives enough kind treatment and doesn’t feel the need to be on the offensive all the time, they may begin to change their ways.^{[2]
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- Practicing kindness also keeps you from being at fault. Rather than seeing two people bickering, those around you will view the situation as it is—a mean person acting hostile towards a nice person.
2
Project confidence. Do your best not to be phased by a jerk’s verbal assault. Instead, grin and exhibit unshakeable confidence. It’s a surefire way of letting a jerk know that their tactics won’t work. Acting self-assured shows that you can’t be baited into quibbling with a small-minded person with nothing better to do than act cruel toward others.^{[3]
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- Projecting an assertive appearance may discourage a jerk from lashing out altogether.^{[4]
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- Even if it doesn’t convince a jerk to lay off, an attitude of confident superiority will make you feel more secure. There will be no need for you to get involved in a dispute.
3
Smile and laugh. Let your smile and positive attitude be your defense against a surly sourpuss. Chances are, the last thing a jerk is going to expect then they’re trying to make you feel inferior is for you to let out a hearty laugh. In the best-case scenario, he or she will see that they can’t bring you down. In the worst, it will give them something else to set their sights on—and you won’t be bothered by that, either.^{[5]
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- Not only is smiling and laughing a good way to neutralize people with bad intentions, it can actually make you feel better the more you do it.^{[6]
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4
Tap into their guilt. Make it known that the way they’re acting is senseless and hurtful. This could is as easy as saying “that’s really uncool” or “I can’t believe you would say something like that” or simply using body language to express disapproval of their jabs. It’s hard to be a jerk to someone who isn’t fighting you back. Without opposition, the jerk’s unreturned words and actions will be deflected back at them, and they’ll be forced to examine their own behavior.^{[7]
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- Find ways of rebuking a jerk without appearing like you’re trying to pick a fight. This can usually be accomplished by taking issue with the person’s words or actions, not them themselves.^{[8]
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- Show empathy toward other individuals that become targets of a jerk’s abuse. This type of compassion reinforces that person’s humanity and may cause an aggressor to rethink what they’re doing.
5
Find strength in numbers. Encourage the people around you to express their disapproval along with you. Let the jerk know that you're not going to tolerate their attitude, and neither is anyone else. Jerks usually act the way they do to make themselves feel bigger and more important in front of others, so it's unlikely that they'll continue if they sense that their tactics are having the opposite effect.^{[9]
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- Take the lead. Sometimes, people will be afraid to speak up until they see someone else doing it. Be the one to let the jerk know that what they're doing is unacceptable and others will follow suit.^{[10]
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6
Wound their pride. Take the spring out of a jerk's step by calmly belittling them. Point out something embarrassing to distract from their attempts to put you down, like their zipper being open or having a booger hanging out of their nose, or call out their motivations directly. Say something like "you must have a really fragile ego to act like that." They may feel the need to defend themselves, but they'll no longer have the will to keep being deliberately obnoxious after they've been exposed.
- By confronting a jerk head-on, while being careful not to get worked up or incite an argument, you're stripping them of their power.
- Keep your cool and respond in a matter-of-fact tone. Never resort to name calling or angry, nasty attacks when cutting a jerk down to size. You'll just be playing their game.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Dealing With a Jerk's Taunts

1
Don’t listen to them. Your mom’s advice on dealing with the schoolyard bully as a child was spot on—just ignore them. Most jerks feed off of the negative reactions they get from the people they torment. If you try to stand up for yourself when there’s nothing to be proved, it just feeds the flames. Jerks will always try to rock the boat, so don’t let yourself be thrown overboard.
- Don't spend your time around people who make a habit of being malicious. It's better to just avoid them altogether when you can.
- It may seem childish, but if a jerk’s every barbed comment is met with silence, they’ll have no choice but to desist. Carrying on would just be like talking to a wall.
2
Show no frustration. Stay calm and don’t let yourself get upset. Getting aggravated is just playing their game. If a jerk knows he or she is getting under your skin, they’ll continue to needle you in order to feel like they’re in control. When they see that their efforts are being wasted, they’ll eventually give up.
- Remember, the only person that has control over your emotions is you yourself.
3
Dismiss them openly. Point out the jerk’s rude behavior and let them know that you don’t appreciate it. Do this politely to avoid making a scene or causing angry feelings to flare. It can really take the wind out of someone’s sails to have the person they’re harassing call attention to their nastiness. Simply make a calm, level-headed statement like “you’re being rude right now, and there’s no reason for it” and move on.^{[11]
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- Try to stay poised and reasonable. Write off the jerk’s behavior the way you would explain a scientific fact.
- Take care not to come across as on-edge when denouncing a jerk. It may seem like their behavior is getting to you, and this could potentially just egg them on.
4
Walk away. Sometimes there’s just no getting through to a jerk. If your attempts to diffuse the situation aren’t working, all you have to do is leave. Making a swift, unceremonious exit sends the message that you’re not interested in getting caught up in a dispute loud and clear. Putting yourself in a different place from the source of scorn is one immediate way to make the problem stop.^{[12]
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- The jerk might interpret you leaving as a sign of victory: they got to you so bad that you fled in disgrace. Let them think that. There’s no sense in arguing with them. If you don’t even care to be around them, why bother trying to change their perception?

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Keeping Yourself from Getting Worked Up

1
Take slow, deep breaths. Focus on breathing and keeping your cool. Make an active mental effort to calming yourself down. This isn’t always easy, but it prevents you from making a heated mistake and playing into a jerk’s hands. Feelings of resentment and the desire to get even can quickly overthrow your better judgment if you’re not careful.^{[13]
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- Breathing helps sooth your autonomic nervous (fight or flight) response and gives you something to fix your mind on other than coming up with something to say or do in retaliation.
- Draw in a deep breath, hold it to the count of 3, then exhale. Do this 4 or 5 times. Imagine that the irritation you feel is slipping out with each breath.
2
Think before escalating the situation. Pause to mull over what’s going on rather than allowing yourself to be baited. Is the jerk actually saying anything worth listening to? What are you getting worked up over? Once you try to logically account for certain emotional impulses, you’ll find that they quickly fade away.^{[14]
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- Give yourself thirty seconds to a minute to consider your possible reaction before acting it out. At the end of that time, you’ll probably think better of it.^{[15]
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3
Create some space. Pull back and stop interacting with the mean person directly. If there are other people around, talk to one of them until you cool down. Otherwise, find something else to focus your attention on to take your mind off an unkind comment or action. If possible, go somewhere else and do something soothing to help you relax. Even if you don't have a way of escaping, you can demonstrate your indifference to the jerk’s antics by directing your attention elsewhere.^{[16]
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- Talking to the people around you will also take their attention away from the jerk, meaning they won’t get the conflict that they crave.
- If all else fails, pull out your phone and pretend to text a friend. That way, you can ignore an antagonist without the need to just sit in uncomfortable silence.
4
Don’t feel the need to get defensive. You have nothing to prove to mean-spirited critics. Don’t engage them or feel the need to confront them over meaningless words or you’ll just be stooping to their level. Getting defensive is like revealing a chink in your armor that the jerk will zero in on and try to damage further. If they don’t allow them to feel justified in attacking you, they’ll just be hurling empty abuses.^{[17]
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- Arguing with a jerk only serves to validate their conduct.
- There may be times when it’s necessary to speak out against a jerk, like when the person just won’t stop, or when they’re bullying someone else around you. In these cases, try to take a stand without coming off as aggressive. This can just motivate a jerk to push back even harder.^{[18]
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Community Q&A

Question

How do I get rid of a jerk friend?

Community Answer

This article should help: Get Rid of a Bad Friend.
Question

What if the jerk is threatening to say something about me to everybody?

Community Answer

If someone threatens to tell something about you, just let them. It will just show everybody who knows you how big of a jerk they are.
Question

How do I get rid of somebody who's being a jerk?

Community Answer

Tell them in a straightforward manner that don't want any contact with them anymore. You don't even have to tell them why, just tell them to leave you alone. Block their number and social media accounts.

Warnings

If you find yourself dealing with the same jerk frequently, play out scenarios that might arise in your head and be ready to respond appropriately. Don't be caught off guard.

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