How to Get Your Mom to Forgive You After You Do Something Stupid

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Last Updated: February 17, 2023 References

At some point in your life, whether as a kid, teen, or young adult, you are going to do something stupid that makes your mom or dad mad, but this article is about making your mom forgive you. Sometimes, a simple apology won't work, and you need to work a little harder to earn your mother's forgiveness. However, you can up your apology, be respectful, and be on your best behavior to help your mother get over whatever you did.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Making a Sincere Apology

1
Apologize in person. No matter what, don't try to apologize by text or email. Talking to someone in an emotionally charged situation is difficult, but owning up to what you did will help her to see you are sincere.
2
Be sincere. Use a tone that is respectful and don't talk back or else you'll get into more trouble, and say your apology in a clear voice. Mumbling implies that you aren't owning up to what you did.
- If you don't know how to begin, say something like the following statement: "I am truly sorry that I upset you. I know I shouldn't get into fights with George. I let my temper get the best of me, but I really want to do better. I hope you can forgive me."
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3
Tell the truth. Sometimes, you'll want to lie but don't, but you'll only be caught further if you do it again.. You'll be in even worse trouble then, and you'll have a harder time getting your mother to forgive you.
4
Don't try to talk to her in the heat of the moment. Let her cool down a little bit. Approach her later when she's had a chance to think. Most importantly do not argue, it only makes things worse.
5
Choose a good time. Don't try to apologize while she is distracted by something else, like cooking dinner. Catch her in a quiet moment, and ask if you can talk to her for a minute.^{[1]
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- Understand if she doesn't want to listen to you. She may not be ready to hear what you have to say. Wait awhile, and ask again.
6
Don't wait too long. That is, you have to own up to what you did in a timely manner. If you wait too long, your mother will think that you don't feel ashamed for what you did.
7
Listen to what she says. Truly listen, and try to take in why she thinks you did wrong. The only way you can apologize for what you did is to understand why she's mad. Therefore, put yourself in her shoes. She's trying to help you grow as a person, so try to see it her way.^{[2]
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8
Don't pull other incidents into the topic at hand. Don't bring up what your sibling did or what's happened in the past. You'll only remind her of other bad incidents and make her angrier.^{[3]
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- For instance, don't say, "But Tracy stayed out last week and didn't get punished! Why are you mad at me and not her?" Bringing up the past incident will only stir up more feelings. Instead, say something like, "I know you're angry, and I really shouldn't have stayed out late. I'm truly sorry."
9
Don't use excuses about what you did. Excuses undermine the apology because they make it look like you are passing the blame to someone or something else. You need to accept that you did something wrong if you want your mother to forgive you.
- For example, instead of saying, "I didn't stay out that late, and besides, it was only because I was trying to drop off my friend." say something like "I know I stayed out too late, and I'm sorry. I'll try to manage my time better next time by leaving the party earlier."
10
Try to fix the mistake. An apology goes a long way but attempting to fix the situation is even better.^{[4]
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- For example, if you broke something, try to fix it or replace it. If you yelled at your sister, be extra nice to her, and show her you care.
11
Apologize in writing. This step may seem contrary to "Apologize in person," but you should apologize in writing in addition to apologizing in person. Also, you shouldn't use email or text for this apology. Write your mother a handwritten letter about your mistake and how you can do better in the future. A handwritten note takes some thought and time, and your mom will appreciate your thoughtfulness. If you are a good artist, you could also embellish your letter with a couple of small drawing you know she'll appreciate.
- You could write something like the following: "Dear Mom, I know you're upset that I got into a fight with Jane. I know you want us to have the relationship that you never had with your sister, and I appreciate that. I love Jane to bits, even though she drives me crazy sometimes. I am the older one, and I should be more mature when she tries to annoy me on purpose. I understand that relationships take work, and you're only trying to prepare me for the ones I have in the future, as well as help me to develop a strong, lasting relationship with Jane. I'll try to keep the peace in the future; really, I will. I love you bunches, and I hope you can forgive me. Love, Joy."
12
Understand that forgiveness takes time.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Sometimes, your mom may forgive you quickly, but other times, it may take a while. In fact, some psychologists say there are stages to forgiveness, just like there are to grief. Your mom may go through denial, bargaining, anger, and depression before acceptance and forgiveness, though she may not go in order or even go through all those stages. Regardless, remember you must work to earn her forgiveness and trust back. Trust is kind of a hard process, so don't rush it.^{[6]
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13
Know she's not perfect, either. She's made mistakes, and she may even be angry at you longer than you deserve.
- Sometimes moms are mad for other reasons. It's not always just your fault. Just like you may take out having a bad day on your sister, your mom may let her emotions get the better of her when she's had a bad day (or week!), too.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Showing You're Sorry by Being on Your Best Behavior

1
Follow the rules. You don't want to make her madder by incurring another infraction on your record. So obey the house rules, and go above and beyond them. If you get the chance to be helpful, don't blow it away; be helpful.
2
Work together, not against each other. Ask her to help you come up with a plan for better behavior in the future.^{[7]
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- For example, maybe your issue is you're always late coming home. Ask her to help you come up with ways to fix the problem. Maybe you could set your phone with an alarm to 30 minutes before you're supposed to be home, and ask her to help you remember to set it when you're going out.
3
Stay calm. Don't go and make big decisions like moving out or running away. You're probably mad that you're in trouble, and you may even feel like your mother doesn't care about you. However, her being angry shows that she cares enough to want what's best for you. She only wants you to do better. If you're feeling isolated, try talking to a friend, a different parent, or a sibling if you need to let off some steam.
4
Don't make the same mistake again.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} If you keep making the same mistake over and over again, your mother will start to doubt the sincerity of your apology.
5
Pick up extra chores. Take out the trash without being asked. Do some extra laundry. Offer to babysit or go grocery shopping. Cook dinner before your mom has a chance to do so. Your mom will notice that you are trying to make things right.
6
Do nice things for your mom. Bring her breakfast in bed. Pick some flowers for her. Make her a card or a picture she can take to work. Let her know that you love her.
7
Do things with her you know she likes. Go to the park with her even if you don't feel like it, or ask her to go to the library with you.
8
Be affectionate, not sullen. Being affectionate will show her you care and want to do better.^{[9]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Being Respectful

1
Show you're listening. When she's lecturing and talking to you, listen attentively, and don't talk back. Even though this may be hard, it shows you care.
2
Don't ignore her. She's only trying to help, and if she wants to talk to you, take the time to listen. Respond to what she's saying and take the time to think about it. You can even reassure her that such an incident will not repeat at the end of your talk, so she knows you thought about it and your apology is genuine.
3
Use a respectful tone.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} When you do answer her questions, don't get an attitude about it. Just answer calmly, directly, and truthfully.
- For instance, if your mom says, "What were you thinking?" don't say, "I don't know, obviously I'm an idiot" in a sarcastic tone. Try something more along the lines of "I guess I wasn't thinking very clearly. I'll try to do better next time."
4
Accept your punishment without complaining. Doing so will show her you respect her decision.
- Your mom isn't yelling at you because she dislikes you or hates you. She cares about you, and she doesn't want you making bad choices which will have an impact on your future. She wants you to be safe and learn to be a better person.^{[11]
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5
Be mature. Don't be mean, or fling hateful insults. Don't stomp or slam doors. You'll only make her angrier, and later, you'll be sad you acted that way.^{[12]
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- In addition, your mom will respect your maturity and may forgive you faster.
- If she says, "You always say that and don't follow through!" don't argue. Say you understand, and ask for her help in trying to do better in the future.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you get your mom to forgive you?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Be sure to sincerely apologize for what you've done. To show her that you've learned from the experience, don't do the thing that got you in trouble again.

Warnings

Never try to run away.

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Helpful 15 Not Helpful 0
Never ever do bad things to your mother after she yelled at you. (ex. locking her out, breaking her reading glasses, etc.) It'll just make things worse.

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Helpful 13 Not Helpful 0
Don't try to make excuses, as it will only make the situation worse.

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Helpful 14 Not Helpful 1
Don't say profanities to your mother.

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