How to Get a Significant Other If You Have Asperger's

If you have Asperger's Syndrome, and would like to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend to share your life with then you may read the steps mentioned here. You may wonder that you aren't that great in social sense. You've probably struggled in the area of friendship or dating. Finding a significant other or a partner has no hard and fast rules. Whether or not you have Asperger's Syndrome, it remains certain that the one whom you like may or may not accept your proposal. Fear not. With the right mindset and some polishing, finding a romantic interest could be well within your reach.

Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Planning and Searching

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    Understand your abilities and limitations: Asperger's Syndrome brings with it certain benefits like keen interest in some areas along with some limitations like recurrently striking fun conversations.[1] You must understand your nature and what makes you different from others in both positive and not so positive ways. This will allow you to figure out the meaning of the reaction of your date or friend.
    • Knowing yourself better will also get you to making up for an unsatisfactory experience.
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    Understand why you want a mate. Wanting a boyfriend/girlfriend is fine and normal but it should be for the right reasons. If you want someone who will stand by you, cherish you, and spend their life with you, that's the right reason.

    However, wanting someone to showoff or impress your friends, make someone jealous, or make someone else happy, is not fair on the one who may trust you. If it's the latter, you should reconsider the motto and the other person's emotions.
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    Think about what you want in a partner: It is good to be clear about your expectations. You may want someone who is:
    • Sensitive towards you.
    • Shares and cares about you.
    • Helps you in the walks of life as much as is doable and
    • Is honest about themselves and about you.
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    Be ready for surprises: Just because you have a clear mindset about a good lover does not mean that you will get them and get just those. You may find these qualities including a few more surprises. Just as you desire to be accepted, be non-judgmental about their 'flaws' and make them feel good about you.
    • Don't set your standards too high that you end up passing up on someone wonderful or making the person feel insufficient.
    • Don't set your standards too low, either. There are many great people out there; why end up with someone you can barely tolerate?
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    Expand your level of patience. Think about 'wants' versus 'needs'. Like, 'blonde hair' may be a preference but someone more endearing and patient is essential for the relationship to work in the longer run.

    Think about the "wants" more as bonuses to an already lovable person. For that you must appreciate who you have, what they have and what they add to your life as a couple.[2]
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    Practice your conversations: Get out there and socialize. A lot of people rehearse their conversations in front of a mirror. You can try this or watch some videos as to what some conversation starters are.[3]
    • For instance, you may ask them their name and what it means. Depending upon your interest the conversation could be carried forward.
    • Some people are not very comfortable with those who speak too fast, loud or non-stop. You can look at their eyes and smile which when directed to you may give a hint that they are interested in what you are talking about.
    • If they constantly seem to look away, you may wait a little longer to understand in your own way if they are interested in you or not.
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    Know them: You can go with the typical places you often go to or choose where you would like to initiate a conversation with someone. You could hang out at places where your ideal person would hang out.

    For instance, if you want someone who loves animals, volunteer at an animal shelter. If you want someone who loves to read, hang out at a bookstore or library.
    • Bear in mind that typical places mean that they are there with a purpose. Hence you may either strike a very gentle conversation and leave them to themselves or continue if they show interest. Or revisit the same place so you know how to go about with it and whom to speak to.
    • If you happen to form mere friendship, do not disregard them as they will sense it in your expressions or conversations. They could introduce you to someone they know who's great for you or may be worth a try.
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    If those don't work, try dating sites. You may feel uncomfortable doing this; if so, keep trying with the other ways. Dating sites can bring incredible results, or they can bring awful results. Just be cautious and clear.
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Know Thyself

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    There is no shame in your Asperger's Syndrome: Think about yourself. You must be aware of your strengths and weaknesses as an Aspie.[4] Hence, it will be easier for you to start and stop when you must. For instance:
    • If you are concerned about your pitch then you must not converse non-stop. Give the other one a chance to speak. If they are finding you interesting and just wants to listen, do it tactfully by asking their opinion about it or their personal experience about a certain thing. When they feel that you value their opinion, they will be happier to express themselves.[5] Mostly because they will find a mutual bond growing between you.
    • If you find it difficult to maintain or show the same level of interest in a person day after day, do these that assure fondness. Like:
      • Not sounding too formal once you get along.
      • Willingness to share what happened throughout the day.
      • Freely appreciating them of something positive they did. Remember, you may not feel comfortable at first because of Asperger's Syndrome to do all these, but you will imbibe a more patient demeanor in you as you let go of your limitations and restraints which is rooted to the emotions.
      • Don't hide the topics you are truly passionate about. They may not like it as much as you but they should know that you have different or strange likes and interests. It is almost impossible to hide these from a boyfriend or a girlfriend once you start dating them. Imagine them figuring it out on their own and ending up making a mountain of a molehill. Giving a hint bravely or with an apology (depending upon your partner) is a safe choice.
      • Insecurities are not a special trait of those with Asperger's Syndrome. It is a part of everyone's life. Those who have a successful partner have them because they allow the other to sense whats wrong. They allow themselves to feel normal to have insecurities. The more you hide it, the more you make it stand out and seem serious. Let fear reflect on your face and not be suppressed in your psyche or mind. That which is expressed on the face gets a getaway. That which is hidden from the face stays deep inside the mind, makes a home and multiplies.
Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Getting to Know Them, Flirting and Bonding

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    Strike a chord with them: Once you've come across someone you like, indicate an interest. Make sure you don't stay too close to their body as it is a sign of desperation. And even those who are desperate may like to be with those who are not.

    Try glancing at them occasionally, and smile if your eyes meet. Go over (when you're sure they're not busy) and say hello. Appear pleasant but not flirty or like a Casanova.

    If they seem to be unbothered by your interrupting or initiating a conversation, keep going. If there is a seat, sit down. If you feel that they might mind if you sit, but your foot is aching, ask if you can sit by them, and strike up a conversation.
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    Basics of bonding: Flirting is not bad.[6] More so, its natural to many and even healthy. Bear in mind that you are striking a conversation to know that person better and not to form a relation with them then and there whether you like or know them or not.

    Know them first, let the conversation be easy so asking for their contact number (the same day or after a few days) or Facebook id won't seem like too much too soon. Each individual is different and one thing may work differently for different people. It is all the matter of your understanding of you both and your ability to comprehend what you understand.
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    Make it about them, and try to find a connection. If you see they have a book next to them, say "I love that book," or "that book looks interesting. How far have you read it, is it good?" If you have a class with them, make a comment about the class, like "this homework assignment is torture,” depending upon their interests.[7]
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    Recognize signs of disinterest. Do they keep responses to a minimum, like "yeah," "sure," and "I guess." (Keep in mind that they may be shy too. If they smile nervously and avoid your eyes, those are good indicators.)

    If they look away from you, as if looking for a distraction or escape, you might be boring or creeping them out. If their body is turned away, they are not engaged in what you're saying. Don't push the subject: just say, "oh, I’ve got to run," or excuse yourself to answer an imaginary text.
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    Keep obsessions away: Never ever let yourself become so obsessed with a person that you can't bear to think of a life without them. Love or bonding is supported on the pillars of happiness. If they find happiness in following you, they will. If they no more find any love in you, they may seek to leave.[8]
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    Expect respect: Just as you are willing to accept their flaws, expect them to accept you. If they are reluctant, give them the benefit of doubt and give them a chance. Explain what you felt when they neglected you and let them sense that you may not tolerate it forever.

    If you show that you can't do anything about their negligence, they will continue it. If you show that you may leave, they may try to hold you back if you mean something to them. These will be the times when you will know where the relationship stands, whether it has a foundation of truth or has no feelings at all.
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    Let your trials age: Just like you don't stop aging, let your desire to seek a partner and attempts to find one continue. There is no reason in getting the vengeance out on yourself as you not seeking any partner after a rejection would be unfair not to them but on you.

    Keep doing what your heart wants to do. Your heart will take care of you so long as you do not mean any damage to anybody.
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References

  1. ↑ https://the-art-of-autism.com/50-positive-traits-of-many-with-aspergers/
  2. ↑ https://uscworkandfamilylife.wordpress.com/2012/03/28/setting-standards-for-a-healthy-relationship/
  3. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2719548/
  4. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4122539/
  5. ↑ Ran D. Anbar, MD, FAAP. Pediatric Pulmonologist & Medical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 July 2020.
  6. ↑ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ykvoeO6dCU
  7. ↑ Ran D. Anbar, MD, FAAP. Pediatric Pulmonologist & Medical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 July 2020.
  8. ↑ https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/obsessions/all-audiences
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