How to Have a Healthy Relationship

Co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD and Glenn Carreau

Are you getting serious about a relationship and wondering how to ensure it's long and healthy? Or maybe you've had a committed partner for years and want to strengthen the relationship even more. Either way, while relationships are hard work, they're also incredibly fulfilling and worth the effort! Read on for a comprehensive guide to forging a healthy relationship using communication, trust, intimacy, and respect.

Things You Should Know

Develop trust, emotional intimacy, and good communication skills. Be honest and open with your partner, ask lots of questions, and listen.
Make time for dates and other fun activities. Spend quality time together, indulge in spontaneity, and use plenty of physical affection.
Fight fairly and resolve conflicts respectfully to move forward together. Establish needs and boundaries with your partner to minimize conflict.

1

Build a strong emotional connection.

Be vulnerable with your partner (and vice versa) to build your bond.^{[1]
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Research source}Maintaining a deep emotional connection with your partner is about making them feel loved and ensuring they do the same for you. Verbalize your deepest emotions to your partner and tell them that you love them. The more you share your thoughts and feelings, the more understood and emotionally fulfilled you'll both feel.^{[2]
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- A healthy relationship is one where both partners communicate, share their feelings, and respect one another without power imbalance.
- However, your partner should never pressure you to be vulnerable when you're not ready, or push you to share every little thought.
- Gratitude is also important. Make a daily habit of showing appreciation for your partner! Compliment their strengths and thank them when they do something for you.

2

Spend quality time with one another.

Enjoy dates and activities as a couple to feel connected with your partner. Even if you've been together for a long time, planning activities with your partner is essential. Set aside 1 night each week to be your designated "date night," and think of fun things to do that you'll both enjoy. It's okay to spend some nights lounging at home, but also be sure to do things that take you out on the town!^{[3]
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- Date nights can be anything you find fun (and romantic). For example, you could do karaoke, go bowling, revisit a favorite restaurant, or take a hike together.
- Life gets busy sometimes, especially if work or kids are involved. If weekly date nights aren't feasible for the moment, plan monthly dates instead.
- Try doing chores and household tasks together, too. This shouldn't replace dates or leisure activities, but it's a good way to spend quality time with your partner while ensuring that you share responsibilities.

3

Set expectations and boundaries.

Boundaries make your partner aware of what you need in a relationship. Set personal boundaries and parameters for your relationship. Explain each boundary or expectation to your partner, and get verbal confirmation that they understand and will respect each one. Defining such limits will prevent conflict, and you'll have a basis for discussion if someone crosses the line.^{[4]
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- Boundaries could be personal, social, financial, or sexual. For example, you might explain to your partner that you value quality time with them, but you need at least 1 night a week to spend with friends.
- In a healthy relationship, neither partner should try to control the other. Respect your partner's boundaries and ensure they do the same for you.
- Don't be afraid to raise your standards for a relationship! Know what you want in the relationship, and don't settle for someone sub-par. You deserve a partner who will respect you and your needs.

4

Understand your partner's needs.

Relationships are more fulfilling when you prioritize each other's needs. You must understand your partner's expectations and boundaries, just as they should respect yours. Learn about their needs for the relationship early on, whether they come out and tell you or you need to ask them. Respecting your partner's boundaries signals that you trust them to act independently without betraying you.^{[5]
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- Common boundaries include understanding your partner's expectations and limits on intimacy, public displays of affection, and confidentiality.

5

Communicate openly and honestly.

Your partner isn't a mind reader, so tell them what you need. When you talk to your partner, communicate honestly about what bothers you and what you enjoy. Be specific about your emotional wants and needs. Communicate your needs at the beginning of your relationship. You're expressing vulnerability and trust in your partner by opening yourself up—and your openness also invites them to be just as honest with you.^{[6]
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- There's a difference between honesty and criticism. Avoid criticizing your partner—both to their face and to others. Phrase your words constructively and be respectful at all times.
- If something is bothering you, express it gently but assertively. For example, you could say, "I love you very much, but sometimes, I feel frustrated when I come home to a dirty house. Can we come up with a solution?"
- Ask your partner open-ended questions to allow them to express themselves freely too. You’ll facilitate meaningful communication by asking questions that require a thoughtful answer!

6

Be an active listener.

Listening to one another will make you both feel valued and understood. Communication is a two-way road! When your partner speaks, give them your full attention; actively listen and remember what they say. Focus on understanding their words rather than formulating your response. Keep steady eye contact, and avoid interrupting them as they speak.^{[7]
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- Affirm that you're listening by making a small, reassuring noise like "Mhmm" or saying, "Go on."
- Show your partner that you understand them by mirroring their words back to them. For example, if they tell you about a conflict at work, you could say, "It sounds like work is really frustrating for you right now."
- Read your partner's body language to figure out how they’re feeling. Focus on making them feel better if they seem grumpy or tired!

7

Develop trust in one another.

Trust is the key to a long, healthy, and happy relationship. Talk to your partner about trust and what it means to you. What do you consider a violation of trust? Does your version of trust differ from your partner's? Once you know what both of you need, focus on building trust. Follow through on your promises, be there for your partner in times of need, and respect their boundaries at all times.^{[8]
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- For example, some see physical cheating as a breach of trust but not emotional cheating, whereas others believe that emotional cheating is as bad as physical cheating. Clarify your outlook with your partner early on.
- Openness and honesty are also vital for building trust—which is another reason you and your partner should practice them with one another.

8

Try new things and surprise each other.

Spontaneity keeps your romance feeling fresh and new. Relationships can become routine quickly, so keep the spark going by thinking of fun and creative ways to surprise your partner. Spring a small gift or romantic activity on them, or bring them on a spur-of-the-moment overnight getaway. Do something neither of you has ever tried to keep both of you engaged and entertained.^{[9]
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- For example, if you've both talked about how fun it'd be to learn archery, sign you and your partner up for lessons! If you've been talking about your next vacation, suggest a place neither of you has been before.
- Not every surprise has to be a grand, expensive gesture. It could be as simple as cooking your partner's favorite meal, buying their favorite treat after work, or offering them a romantic massage.

9

Keep the intimacy alive.

A healthy romantic connection requires touch and physical affection. Make a point to initiate physical contact and build intimacy in the relationship. This could be cuddling on the couch, holding hands while out in public, hugging them more often, or giving them more kisses when the urge strikes! Talk to your partner about sex; if it's something you both desire, nurture your sex life and be honest about your desires.^{[10]
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- When discussing sex, discuss your preferences, expectations, desires, and limits. Once you and your partner understand each other's needs, it's easier to have a satisfying sex life.
- Healthy relationships are all about feeling close to your partner, both emotionally and physically. If you feel like there's distance between you, there's still time to rekindle that spark!

10

Resolve conflicts respectfully.

Conflict is natural, and handling it respectfully strengthens your bond. Whenever you fight, ensure you fight fairly: focus on the problem at hand and avoid blaming or name-calling. Use "I" statements to tell your partner how you feel without making them feel attacked, and work together to compromise and resolve the conflict in a way you both agree with.^{[11]
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- Ask your partner open-ended questions to get their perspective on the issue. Say, "What would be an ideal solution for you?" or "How do you think this would be best handled?"
- An "I" statement would be, "I feel upset when you're late for our date night," rather than saying, "You're always late!"
- Maintain a calm demeanor during the argument. Take deep breaths, slow down your speech so you have time to think, and don't be afraid to ask for a temporary break so you can cool off.
- Burying conflicts is never healthy; you might avoid an argument, but the source of your troubles goes unresolved. Work with your partner to address conflict rather than letting it lie.

11

Apologize and forgive one another.

Apologies and heartfelt forgiveness foster more trust between you. Recognize when you're in the wrong and apologize to your partner. Be specific; acknowledge your mistake and how it made your partner feel while explaining how you plan to fix things. If both of you have done something hurtful, taking the first step also makes it easier for your partner to follow suit and apologize, too.^{[12]
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- It's important to forgive your partner if they apologize, just as you'd want them to forgive you. Acknowledge your negative feelings and then release them as you forgive your partner.
- Let go of grudges; holding onto them only worsens a problem. If your partner did something months ago, forgive them for it and move on. Don't use what they did in the past against them.
- Learn to appreciate your differences. Those differences make the relationship dynamic and interesting; you don't need to agree on everything, so long as you understand one another.

12

Be open to change.

Mutual growth and change is a surefire sign of a healthy relationship. Change happens as a natural part of life, and relationships evolve too. View each obstacle or major change as a chance to strengthen your relationship with your partner, and don't let your fears hold you back. Embrace change and focus on growing with your partner during your relationship's ups and downs.
- Remember that ups and downs in a relationship are only natural. Don't blame your partner for your problems; work together as a team to overcome them.
- Don't be afraid to get help together if changes in your relationship are too overwhelming to handle alone. You could consult a trusted confidante or a couples' therapist.

13

Nurture outside relationships with friends and family.

Keeping up with other relationships helps you maintain your identity. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you're permanently glued to your partner! Balance your time spent together with time spent apart; go out with your friends, spend time with family, and engage with your personal hobbies. Encourage your partner to do the same! This way, the time you spend together is much more precious.

14

Learn to love yourself first.

Positivity and self-love attract people who do the same for themselves. When you value yourself, you're more likely to stick to your standards and expectations and look for a partner who is everything you deserve! Learn to love yourself by repeating positive affirmations, acknowledging and appreciating your strengths, and doing things that make you feel good.^{[13]
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- If you struggle with appreciating yourself, try listing all your positive attributes. What do you do well? What are your greatest skills? If your friends described you, what would they say is your best quality?