How to Get in the Mood for Sex

Co-authored by Jacqueline Hellyer and Amy Bobinger

Last Updated: October 21, 2021 References

It's been a long day, full of bills, work, cleaning, pets, kids, traffic, and who knows what else—but when you're ready to fall into bed, your partner gives you that special look. Intimacy is such an important part of any relationship, but sometimes sex is the furthest thing from your mind. So how do you get over that hurdle and get in the mood for some loving? Believe it or not, many of the best ways to put yourself in the right frame of mind start long before you actually make it to the bedroom. Try out some of these ideas to see what works for you!

1

Wear something that makes you feel sexy.

Dress in clothes (or undies) that make you feel your best. When you look good, you feel good, so slip into that one thing that always makes you feel amazing. It might be tailored trousers that shows off your toned glutes or a dress that hugs your curves just right—or even a set of lacy undies or buttery-soft briefs under an ordinary work outfit. By the end of the night, you'll be ready to share that confidence with your partner.^{[1]
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- In the bedroom, channel that same energy by wearing sexy lingerie or a brand-new pair of boxers to bed!
- Even something as simple as wearing your hair in a different way can make you feel confident and sexy, so experiment to find what really makes you feel great.^{[2]
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2

Read or watch something that turns you on.

Don't feel like you always have to do all the work yourself. Sometimes, outsourcing a little of the foreplay is the best thing you can do for your love life. Try reading a hot passage from your favorite romance novel, for instance, or put on a movie with a hot love scene and fast-forward right to the good part. If pictures are more your thing, try flipping through a naughty magazine.^{[3]
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- You could also try dancing to a song that always makes you feel sexy when you hear it!
- Avoid using hardcore pornography to get turned on. Since it's ultra-stimulating, some medical experts believe watching a lot of porn can actually make it harder for you to perform once you get into the bedroom.^{[4]
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3

Exercise to get your blood pumping.

Hit the gym a few hours before sex to boost your mood and circulation. When you exercise, you get a big dose of mood-boosting endorphins that will make you feel great. In addition, your circulation will improve—including boosted blood flow down there. Together, those benefits can really improve your sexual desire!^{[5]
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- Exercise can also help you feel more confident about yourself. This is a great way to boost your libido if you've been struggling with your body image—and remember, you don't have to look a certain way to be healthy, strong, and sexy!
- Keep the health-conscious trend going by eating a healthy diet and avoiding tobacco and excessive alcohol. Cigarettes and alcohol can both have a negative impact on your libido!^{[6]
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4

Take some time to unwind at the end of the day.

Do whatever it takes to help yourself feel relaxed. Stress is a definite mood-killer, so make your own downtime a priority (before you worry about trying to get down). You're a lot more likely to be able to focus on your relationship with your partner once you've spent some time letting go of everything that's been on your mind all day.^{[7]
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- For instance, take a nice long bath or shower. The warm water will help you feel relaxed, and you'll feel sexier when you know you smell amazing! Take some time to shave any bits you prefer smooth, as well—that's only going to boost that sexy feeling!
- While you're relaxing, fantasize about what you'd like to do with your partner or think about some of your hottest memories together.
- Certain scents may help you get in the mood, including vanilla, jasmine, and sandalwood.^{[8]
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  Research source} Light a scented candle or use a scented body wash, massage oil, or lotion to help spark up your libido.

5

Make your bedroom a sexy spot.

Take some time to tidy up to set the mood. If you look around your room and there are piles of laundry, messy sheets, and stuff piled everywhere, it's going to be hard to relax. Spend a few minutes getting everything in order. Then, amp up the sexy atmosphere by dimming the lights, lighting candles, or even playing some music.^{[9]
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- Your room should be your sanctuary, so make it a kid-free and work-free zone. That way, your brain will only associate the bedroom with sleep and sex.^{[10]
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- Consider making an agreement that you and your partner won't use devices once you hit the sheets. That way, there won't be any digital distractions to get in the way of intimacy. And remember to put your phones on silent before you start cuddling!^{[11]
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6

Spice things up by trying something new.

Try new things with your partner both in and outside of the bedroom. Even if it doesn't seem directly related to sex, things like going on vacation together or trying a new food can help add a spark back into your relationship. And of course, you can really heat things up by getting adventurous during sex!^{[12]
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- Try going on a date to a restaurant where they serve foods that are supposed to boost your libido, like oysters, spicy foods, strawberries, pomegranate, or dark chocolate.
- Rent a hotel room near your work for a quickie on your lunch hour! This will add a tantalizing "taboo" element that's sure to get you going.^{[13]
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- Add sex toys or research new positions to shake up your normal routine.^{[14]
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7

Schedule sex to build anticipation.

Decide on a day and time in advance so you can get ready. It might seem unsexy to schedule sex, but it can actually be really hot. When you know in advance that you're going to be intimate, you won't feel put on the spot when the time comes. That can make it easier to relax and go with the flow.^{[15]
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- The planning phase is a great time to talk about what you want during sex.^{[16]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Jacqueline Hellyer
  Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
  Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} For instance, if you'd like more time on foreplay, you might say something like, "I'm looking forward to our date Saturday. Let's start nice and slow so we can really get the most out of it!"^{[17]
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8

Flirt with your partner more often.

Use flirty looks and unexpected touches to send a sexy message. For instance, you might wink at them when you hand them their coffee, or "accidentally" brush up against them when you pass each other in the hallway. It might seem like this will only turn on your partner, but it will actually be a lot easier for you to get turned on when there's already that undercurrent of sexual tension between you.^{[18]
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- Give your partner plenty of compliments—when you're looking for things to appreciate about them, you might just find yourself growing even more attracted to them.^{[19]
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- In addition, look for opportunities to hold hands, hug, and kiss to keep that affectionate feeling going.
- Don't underestimate the power of a sexy text message! Even if explicit sexting isn't your thing, you can get a lot of mileage out of a quick message like, "Can't stop thinking of you today," or "Maybe we can get some alone time tonight xx."^{[20]
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9

Start with cuddles.

Kick things off with some sensual hugging. Don't pressure yourself to jump straight into getting frisky—not only can that create a mental block, but your body needs a little time to warm up. Snuggle up to your partner, and ask them to just hold you for a while. You'll feel more relaxed and connected, which will make it easier to ease into the next round of loving.^{[21]
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- Take things slow—things like gentle touching, kissing, and massages can help you get warmed up with no pressure.^{[22]
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- Get comfortable telling your partner what you need—if you feel like they're a little more excited than you are, try saying something like, "Let's slow things down just a little so I can catch up."

10

Stay in the moment when you're being intimate.

Try not to let your mind wander to things like work, kids, and chores. Being mentally present is a big part of feeling sexy. If you notice that you're starting to think about other stuff, deliberately turn your attention back to the sensations you're feeling, like the warmth of your partner's skin or the way that they smell.
- Sometimes, worries about your appearance can distract you from the moment. Just remember that obviously your partner desires you, so try to see yourself the way they see you!^{[23]
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11

Talk to your doctor if your libido doesn't improve.

Get a medical opinion to be sure there's not an underlying issues. There are a lot of different physical and psychological conditions that can impact your sex drive. That's nothing to be ashamed of! However, it's a good idea to talk to your primary care provider to make sure you're in good health and any potential conditions are being managed correctly. Some issues that might affect your sex drive include:^{[24]
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- Circulatory issues
- Diabetes
- Prostate cancer
- Gynecological conditions like endometriosis, ovarian cysts, and vaginismus^{[25]
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- Certain medications, including antidepressants^{[26]
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- Hormonal changes like menopause, pregnancy, and low testosterone
- Mental health conditions like depression and anxiety, along with problems like poor body image or a history of abuse^{[27]
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  Mayo Clinic
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Expert Q&A

Question

Can you discuss sex before having it?

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Jacqueline Hellyer is a Licensed Psychosexual Therapist and the Founder of The Love Life Blog and The LoveLife Clinic. With over 20 years of experience, Jacqueline specializes in sex advice, sex tips, and relationship advice. In addition to being an accredited Psychosexual Therapist with the Society of Australian Sexologists (SAS), Jacqueline is also a Professional Certified Coach with the International Coach Federation (ICF). Jacqueline holds a BSc in Biochemistry and Human Sciences from The Australian National University, a Graduate Diploma in Applied Science from the University of Canberra, a BA in Languages and Literature from the University of New England (AU), an MSc in Sexual Health from The University of Sydney, and an MSc in Consciousness, Spirituality & Transpersonal Psychology from The Alef Trust. Her work and expertise have been featured in Australian Men’s Health, Cosmopolitan, Australian Women’s Health, Marie Claire, and 60 Minutes.

Jacqueline Hellyer

Licensed Psychosexual Therapist

Expert Answer

Absolutely! Anything good in life requires focus and communication. Think of it this way—if both you and your friend love playing tennis, it wouldn't be weird to talk about tennis, right? The same logic applies to you and your partner in the bedroom.
Question

What should I do if I'm not in the mood for sex?

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Jacqueline Hellyer is a Licensed Psychosexual Therapist and the Founder of The Love Life Blog and The LoveLife Clinic. With over 20 years of experience, Jacqueline specializes in sex advice, sex tips, and relationship advice. In addition to being an accredited Psychosexual Therapist with the Society of Australian Sexologists (SAS), Jacqueline is also a Professional Certified Coach with the International Coach Federation (ICF). Jacqueline holds a BSc in Biochemistry and Human Sciences from The Australian National University, a Graduate Diploma in Applied Science from the University of Canberra, a BA in Languages and Literature from the University of New England (AU), an MSc in Sexual Health from The University of Sydney, and an MSc in Consciousness, Spirituality & Transpersonal Psychology from The Alef Trust. Her work and expertise have been featured in Australian Men’s Health, Cosmopolitan, Australian Women’s Health, Marie Claire, and 60 Minutes.

Jacqueline Hellyer

Licensed Psychosexual Therapist

Expert Answer

Talk about it with your partner! It's very rare that 2 people are ready to have sex at the exact same moment.