13 Real Tips for Having Difficult Conversations with Your Partner

Co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and Amy Bobinger

Last Updated: February 10, 2023 References

When you're in a relationship, it's inevitable that eventually you're going to have to bring up something that you're dreading. Maybe you need to talk to your partner about helping out more around the house, or maybe you need to get on the same page about finances or parenting. Whatever it is, don't just sweep it under the rug. That just leads to resentment and doesn't really solve anything. Make some time to sit down and hash things out, and remember—communication gets easier the more you do it!

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional counselor, Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC, founder of The Counseling Hub, LLC. Check out the full interview here.

1

Address tough topics as soon as you can.

Avoiding difficult conversations may end up causing more issues. You might feel like you're just trying to keep the peace. However, if you want to have a really healthy, harmonious relationship, you have to be able to address issues as they arise. While it's fine to wait for the right time to sit down and talk together, don't put it off for too long—ideally, try to have the conversation within a few days of when you first notice the problem.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.}^{[2]
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Research source}

2

Plan what you want to say beforehand.

This can help you stay focused during the conversation. Don't try to tackle everything that's ever gone wrong in your relationship. Instead, think about what's really bothering you the most. How does it make you feel, and why do you think it makes you feel that way? That's what you should focus on. Anything else can wait for another day.^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source
Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
Go to source}
- Really think about the deeper issue behind a conflict, as well. On the surface, you might be annoyed because your partner gets fast food several days a week, but deep down, it might be because you're worried about their health.^{[4]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
  Marriage & Family Therapist
  Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.}
- Also, think about what you want the outcome of the conversation to be. Be realistic—if you're upset because your partner spends their money more frivolously than you, don't expect them to suddenly start saving every penny they make. However, it's reasonable to ask them to work with you to create a household budget you can both live with.^{[5]
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  Trustworthy Source
  American Psychological Association
  Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
  Go to source}

3

Talk when you're both calm.

Don't pick a time when you're stressed or distracted. If you or your partner are in a hurry, busy, overwhelmed, or exhausted, it's going to be really hard to stay present and calm during a difficult conversation. After all, it can sometimes be hard enough just to talk when there's nothing else going on. To make sure you're both in the best state of mind possible, wait until the two of you can sit down together quietly and really focus on each other.^{[6]
X
Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.}^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source
Understood
Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia
Go to source}
- It can sometimes help to go somewhere like a park or a coffee shop when you need to talk, especially if you've already argued about the topic before. The change of scenery might help break you out of some of the thinking patterns that you get into when you're at home.^{[8]
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4

Open the conversation with something positive.

Frame the discussion as something you can work on together. If you can do that, your partner is more likely to feel included in the conversation, and less like you're just criticizing them. Remember, the reason you need to talk about this is because the two of you love each other, and this is something you need to overcome as a couple.^{[9]
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Trustworthy Source
Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
Go to source}
- Try saying something like, "Thanks for making the time to talk to me. I know you've been really busy lately. I just think it's important for us to figure out how to split up the housework so we're not getting so overwhelmed by clutter." ^{[10]
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- You might also say something like, "I've been noticing that we have a hard time talking about where we're going to live after our lease is up. I know it's because we both feel anxious about it. Can we spend 10 or 15 minutes narrowing it down a little? I can do some research on my own after that, if it would help."

5

Use 'I' statements.

Try to phrase things from your point of view. If you jump right in with a laundry list of everything your partner is doing wrong, chances are good that they're just going to shut down and get defensive. Instead, focus on why this is something that's important to you.^{[11]
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Research source}^{[12]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.}
- For instance, you might say something like, "I feel disrespected when you don't call to tell me you'll be late from work. I wonder what you're doing and worry about whether you're okay."
- Avoid broad generalizations like, "You're always late," "You never call," or "Everyone knows you don't care."^{[13]
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- You can use the word "you" to describe your partner's role in the situation, but don't put the entire burden of responsibility on them. For instance, you could say "When you pick up your phone when I'm talking to you, I feel like I'm not important to you."^{[14]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.}
- A good formula for I-statements involves sharing how you're feeling with a specific word, giving a specific example of a situation where you feel that way, and listing a positive need that you'd like to have fulfilled in the future.^{[15]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.}

6

Keep an even, neutral tone.

How you say something matters as much as what you say. Do your best not to yell or cry while you're talking, and definitely avoid being sarcastic. Your tone of voice can be a huge trigger for someone else's emotions, so keep the goal of the conversation in mind and try to stay cool. This is the person you love, and it's important that the two of you can communicate about things in a kind and loving way, even if you disagree.^{[16]
X
Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- Also, avoid tense body language, like crossing your arms, sighing heavily when your partner is talking, rolling your eyes, or avoiding eye contact.^{[17]
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7

Stay focused on the topic at hand.

Remember, you can only solve one problem at a time. When you start digging into an uncomfortable conversation, it can sometimes be tempting to bring up everything else that's ever gone wrong in your relationship. However, it's really important to only tackle one thing at a time.^{[18]
X
Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.} Otherwise, you can both start feeling overwhelmed and end up arguing instead of working toward a solution together.^{[19]
X
Trustworthy Source
Understood
Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia
Go to source}
- For instance, if you're upset because your partner was flirtatious with a friend, you may need to agree on boundaries for your relationship. That doesn't necessarily mean it's time to bring up other things like how much they drink, how they dress, or how you don't get to see your friends anymore.

8

Listen when your partner is talking.

Don't just wait for your turn to talk. Good communication is all about give-and-take, so make sure to really tune in to what your partner has to say. Stay present while they're talking—don't plan out your response before they've even had a chance to fully express themselves. Take a few minutes to soak in what you're hearing before you speak again.^{[20]
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Research source}^{[21]
X
Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.}
- One trick that relationship experts recommend is to repeat back what you hear your partner saying. It can feel a little strange at first, but it can help make sure you really understand what you're hearing.^{[22]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Understood
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia
  Go to source}^{[23]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.}
- For instance, you might say, "So you're saying that you don't want the kids to have screen time limits because you want them to learn time-management on their own, right?"
- This helps your partner know that you're actually listening to what they're saying. Plus, if you don't completely understand what your partner is saying, your statement gives them a chance to clarify things.^{[24]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.}

9

Take responsibility for your part in the conflict.

Be willing to apologize for your mistakes. Nobody's perfect, and if you're trying to work through an issue with your partner, it's important for you to understand how your words or actions might have affected them in the past. Sometimes, that means recognizing when your emotions have been getting in the way of a productive conversation. Other times, it means saying you're sorry if you've done something that was hurtful.^{[25]
X
Research source}^{[26]
X
Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.}
- If you've been bickering a lot about finances, for instance, you might say something like, "I get really insecure about not having enough money because things were so tight for my family when I was a kid. I should have brought this up sooner so we could work through it as a team."
- You could also say, "When we were talking before, I gave you an attitude. I knew that I did that and that it wouldn't go well, but I did it anyway because I was angry."^{[27]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.}
- Try to take ownership over specific parts in a conflict.^{[28]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.}

10

Keep your cool.

Take deep breaths to stay centered and take breaks if you need to. If you get upset and start to raise your voice, it's probably just going to escalate the situation. It might even lead to an all-out argument—and that's definitely not the outcome you're hoping for. Instead, take a few deep breaths if you start to feel emotional, and wait to talk until you feel like you're in control again. If you need to, you can even call a 10-15 minutes time-out.^{[29]
X
Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- During the break, think about how you can deal with things differently when you come back together.

11

Find something you can agree on.

Figure out where your feelings intersect. Chances are, no matter what the issue is, you both have the same underlying goals. If you can hone in on those during the conversation, it can make it a lot easier to work together.^{[30]
X
Trustworthy Source
Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
Go to source} Not only that, but focusing on where you agree, rather than where you disagree, can help take some of the stress and discomfort out of the conversation.^{[31]
X
Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- Try saying something like, "I know you're concerned that I won't be home as much if I take night classes. But I'm having to work overtime now just to make ends meet. I'm hoping that if I can get a better job, we'll eventually have more family time."

12

Work toward a common goal.

Brainstorm how to approach a solution together. You might have an outcome in mind before the conversation ever starts, but it's important to be flexible and listen to the ideas your partner comes up with, too. If you need to, write down several ideas and talk about them again after you've both had time to think about them. Just be sure that in the end, you're on the same page about your plan and what you both need to do.^{[32]
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- For instance, if it just drives you absolutely crazy that your partner always leaves their socks on the floor, you might agree to put a laundry hamper on their side of the bed—as long as they agree to at least toss the socks in that general direction each night.
- If you've been arguing about how to discipline your children, you might write down a list of rules for the kids, then have set consequences that you both agree on if they break those rules. That way, you'll both know you're always on the same page.

13

Meet with a counselor if you're still having trouble.

There's nothing wrong with getting help when you need it. Sometimes, it's just really hard for two people to overcome conflict together, especially if your communication styles or different or you never learned good resolution skills. Try meeting with a couples' therapist who can mediate your tough conversations. They'll also help the two of you learn new ways to talk to each other so you can have more productive conversations in the future.^{[33]
X
Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.}^{[34]
X
Trustworthy Source
Understood
Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia
Go to source}

Conversation Starters for Difficult Conversations

Expert Q&A

Question

How can you be accountable when resolving conflict?

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Discuss the conflict objectively rather than rehashing it. Think of it like a debriefing after a game, where coaches are discussing how different plays went. Encourage your partner to give a play-by-play of what they remember happening in the conflict, and you can do the same. That way, you can understand where your partner is coming from while also clarifying your own experience.
Question

How do you deal with a defensive partner?

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Share your own experiences in a tense situation rather than blaming or criticizing your partner. Focus on how you're feeling and what you need, and explain how your partner can meet that need.