How to Help Your Child when the Other Parent Is a Narcissist

Last Updated: December 4, 2022 References

Narcissists are self-absorbed and manipulative, and there is one group who is unknowingly affected by their behavior: their children. You might have a choice about whether you date or marry a narcissistic person, but a child can’t choose their parents. If you have children with a narcissist, it’s important to be aware of the impact this personality trait can have on offspring. Help and protect your children by parenting with the children’s best interests in mind, emphasizing positive emotional development, and preventing them from developing narcissistic traits.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Managing Co-Parenting

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Limit your contact with the narcissistic parent. If you and the narcissist have split up, your best option is to minimize your communication with your child’s parent. Narcissists are generally high-conflict people. To prevent exposing your child to a battle they can’t understand, limit interactions between you and the other parent as much as possible.
- Speak to the narcissist only when absolutely necessary and keep the subject of your communications strictly related to parenting.^{[1]
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Avoid badmouthing the other parent to the children. While dating or being married to a narcissist results in psychological damage, it’s not your place to enlighten your child about their parent’s negative traits. As hard as it may be, try your best to speak highly (or not at all) about the other parent to your child.^{[2]
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- This goes beyond direct communication to family, friends, and the larger community. Avoid talking negatively about the other parent to loved ones or acquaintances who might inadvertently spread the message back to your child. Only discuss the woes of your relationship with your most trusted friends and family—far away from the listening ears of your child.
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Provide consistent structure when you can. Narcissists may use their offspring simply for the purposes of boosting their own egos, which often breeds perfectionism and people-pleasing habits in children. To counteract some of the emotional damage inflicted on your child by the narcissist, implement strong boundaries and consistent structure when they are in your care.
- Set firm guidelines about the behavior you expect in your home, and discipline or reward accordingly. If you say you will do something, follow through.
- Help them learn a sense of responsibility in terms of their conduct, academics, chores, etc.
- Teach them to share, take turns, and cope with unexpected change so that they understand the world does not revolve around them. This is especially important if your child spends a lot of time around the narcissistic parent.
- Reinforce positive rules and values so that they develop into stable, law-abiding citizens in society.^{[3]
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Model healthy communication. Children of narcissists are subjected to guilt-tripping, bribery, and emotional manipulation of the highest degree. Do your best to serve as a positive role model for communication.^{[4]
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- Practice active listening by letting them finish talking before sharing a response. Make eye contact. Talk to your child at an age-appropriate level.
- Avoid labels like “bad” or “disrespectful.” Instead speak in terms of feelings like, “I feel disappointed because you didn’t turn in your school project.” Avoid criticizing your child. Instead, explain your views and actions to them rationally.
- Be clear and direct with your child rather than hiding behind an agenda or manipulating them. As much as possible, answer your child’s questions honestly.
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Refrain from shielding your child from the narcissist. Emotional abuse is the narcissist’s weapon of choice. Unless you are vying for full custody with no parental visits, it may be impossible to fully protect your child from their parent’s emotional games. It may not be a good idea to try to "protect" your child anyway. Doing so shields them from learning how to effectively interact with the narcissist.
- Instead of trying to protect your child from their emotions, simply strive to counteract any damage with structure, boundaries, and unconditional love. However, you do want to ensure that your child is not in any danger while under the supervision of the narcissist.
- Signs of child abuse or neglect may include:^{[5]
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  - Having unexplained injuries or bruises
  - Wearing inappropriate clothing to cover up bruises
  - Shying away from the abuser’s touch; flinching after sudden movements
  - Being on alert
  - Having poor hygiene
  - Lacking any sort of bond with abuser
  - Missing school or important engagements

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Nurturing Healthy Traits

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Encourage individuality. Children of narcissists have the tendency to develop intense people-pleasing habits as a result of being idolized when they act according to the narcissist’s wishes and belittled when they don’t. The narcissistic parent basically erases the child’s sense of self.^{[6]
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Research source}To counteract this unhealthy habit, help your child acknowledge their individual strengths and talents.
- All children tend to follow the styles or mannerisms of their peers. This can be healthy in terms of finding out their likes and dislikes.
- However, give your child permission to explore their own ways of acting or thinking by letting them choose hobbies and clothes that suit their interests. Let them know that it’s okay to be different.^{[7]
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Show consistent love to foster positive self-esteem. Narcissists often parent with conditional love, subjecting their children to rigid standards that determine whether they receive appreciation or affection.^{[8]
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Research source} What’s more, the narcissist may be so focused on themselves, they may not provide the ingredients needed to build a healthy self-esteem in their children.^{[9]
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- Ensure that your child receives positive praise and affection that is not dependent on behavior or accomplishments. Tell your child “You’re so smart” or “You’re such a good friend” to remind them of their good traits.
- Be sure to offer genuine praise when they do something good. This can help to counteract the negative influence they may be getting from the narcissistic parent.
- Furthermore, tailor language so that children don’t think they’re better than others. Say, “You’re special to me” rather than “You’re the most special girl in the world.”
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Offer opportunities to build self-confidence. When your child learns new things, they expand their skillsets and boost confidence. This can thwart poor self-esteem that may develop from a narcissistic parent telling them they aren’t worthy unless they do this or that.
- Sign your child up for an interesting club or organization. Encourage them to try out a new sport or creative pursuit. Learn a new language or skill together to further develop your bond.^{[10]
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Help them see mistakes as learning opportunities. Narcissists attach their sense of self on being admired, accomplished, and acquainted with powerful people. By proxy, your child may develop a perfectionistic viewpoint of themselves and the world.
- Mistakes and failure offer chances to improve and grow. Help your child prevent or overcome perfectionism by challenging them to fail bigger. Make it a game for them to try activities that don’t come easy for them. Have them come to you and tell you how they failed. Applaud their failure as a chance to grow.
- Let your child know that many successful people failed along their way to success, like Oprah who was fired from her first job as a TV anchor.^{[11]
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- On the other hand, applaud their successes, but don’t exaggerate them. Focusing too much on success places pressure on children, which makes them less likely to step out of their comfort zones in the future.^{[12]
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Surround the child with other healthy adult confidants. Your child may feel a clear deficit in their emotional connection with the narcissistic parent. Being a positive role model yourself can offset this. However, it can be beneficial to expose your child to other positive adults who can offer support, encouragement, and a listening ear.
- Reach out to adults in your community who your child can forge relationships with, such as teachers, religious or spiritual advisors, coaches, school counselors, relatives or family friends. Tell your child, “I want to make sure you know that someone is always there for you. If you don’t feel comfortable coming to me with an issue, I hope you know your aunt/teacher/coach is willing to listen.”

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Thwarting Narcissistic Traits in Children

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Aid your child in developing empathy. One of the most identifiable traits of the narcissist is a lack of empathy.^{[13]
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Research source} Of course, children and teens are naturally self-centered. In order to prevent these normal behaviors from developing into pathological narcissism, you’ll want to boost their ability to relate to others.
- No matter how old your child is, help them build an ability to consider other’s emotions. Empathy is grounded in being able to step in someone else’s shoes.
- While watching TV or reading books, ask your child, “How do you think this character feels?” to get them thinking.^{[14]
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- If your child tells you about a friend at school who was bullied, ask them to name some feelings the child might experience (e.g. sadness, embarrassment, rejection, etc.).
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Emphasize the importance of genuine friendship. A narcissistic parent rarely has true friendships. Friends and acquaintances may be purely a means to an end. Your child may pick up on this unhealthy relational pattern and exploit their own peers.
- To prevent this, encourage your child to make friends from diverse backgrounds that don’t revolve around status. This helps them to recognize they are worthy not because of who they know, but because of who they are.
- In addition, emphasize the significance of keeping confidences, demonstrating loyalty, sharing, and resolving conflict.^{[15]
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Take incidents of manipulation or exploitation seriously. All children test the limits or behave inappropriately at times. However, you can set the bar for building positive relationships and empathy by not overlooking negative behaviors.
- Let’s say, your child manipulates a friend by saying, “If you don’t let me play with your doll, I won’t be your friend anymore.” Pull them aside and suggest that they step into the other person’s shoes. How would they feel if the friend did this to them? Is it fair to hold friendship over their heads? Is there another way to ask to play with the doll without being manipulative?
- Counteract manipulation by encouraging kindness. Ask your child each day what they did nice for others. Get your child to do anonymous acts of kindness in which they don’t receive any recognition for doing good.^{[16]
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  Research source} You can also encourage your child to volunteer to help build their empathy for other people.
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Consult with a counselor. Unfortunately, children of narcissists are at risk of developing this personality trait, too. If your adolescent child uses or exploits others, lacks empathy, or bullies, you may need to seek professional help before these traits get out of hand.^{[17]
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- A professional mental health therapist can work with your child to address the root causes of narcissism and build healthier relational behaviors. Talk to your pediatrician, family doctor, or school counselor for a referral.

Expert Q&A
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Question

Do narcissists know they are hurting you?

Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.

Adam Dorsay, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker

Expert Answer

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Narcissistic parents believe their reality is the only reality and they lack intersubjectivity. This means that the child and parent both have experiences, but the narcissistic parent does not recognize that their child is having an experience. The child loses the opportunity to tap into their emotional intelligence, and as a result, the child is not able to recognize their emotions.