How to Help a Child with Separation Anxiety at School

Co-authored by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS and Jessica Gibson

Last Updated: August 23, 2022 References

Getting a child with separation anxiety to go to school can be a huge emotional struggle. It's totally natural for kids of any age to feel distressed when they head to school. Fortunately, there are lots of things you can do to make the transition to the classroom a lot easier for them. In this article, we'll give you the tools you need to reassure and support your child so the drop-off is no longer a challenge.

1

Talk about what’s causing their anxiety.

Sit down and ask your child what makes them afraid about school. Your young child might say they're afraid when you leave them because they think you won't come back. An older child might say they're afraid of being teased by classmates. Once you know what they're afraid of, you can come up with solutions together. A solution might be you picking them up a few minutes early every day or talking about how to handle classroom teasing.
- Give your child the chance to talk but don't bring up the subject of anxiety too much or you might make them dwell on their fear even more.
- For example, say something like, "I think you’re feeling nervous, but you do have to go to school. Tell me what you’re worried about."^{[1]
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  Trustworthy Source
  University of Rochester Medical Center
  Leading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and research
  Go to source}
- If your kid is old enough, talk about what anxiety is and explain that it's a normal feeling. You could say, "It's normal to feel anxious. Anxiety is a thought or a feeling that can be scary, but we can work through it."^{[2]
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  Trustworthy Source
  National Health Service (UK)
  Public healthcare system of the UK
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2

Acknowledge your child’s feelings.

Accept that they're feeling anxious and reassure them. Repeat what you've heard them say, so they feel listened to. If they feel respected and heard, they'll be more open to working on solutions with you.^{[3]
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- For example, say, "It sounds like you feel really scared when I drop you off in the morning. You do know that I always come back for you," or, "I know you're sad when we say goodbye, but you do have a good time when you're at school."
- It can help to remind your child of things that they enjoy about school—talking with friends, playing at recess, or eating their favorite school lunch.

3

Read kid books that bring up separation anxiety.

Read stories to help your child feel like they're not alone with their fear. You can come up with your own stories or get books with characters that are afraid to go school. Sometimes, the right story can really resonate with a kid, so they feel empowered to face their fear.^{[4]
X
Research source} Here are a few popular stories about separation anxiety to get you started:
- Wherever You'll Be by Ariella Prince Guttman and Geneviève Godbut
- The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn
- Llama Llama Misses Momma by Anna Dewdney
- The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
- The Worry Box by Suzanne Chiew
- When I Miss You by Cornelia Maude Spelman

4

Practice calming strategies together.

Teach your child relaxation techniques to manage their anxiety. These don't have to be overly complicated—even simple breathing techniques can relax your child. To teach breathing, tell your child to take 3 deep, slow breaths. Breathe in for a count of 3 and out for a count of 3. You might encourage your child to visualize their anxieties floating away like a balloon, or ask them to draw a picture that makes them feel happy.^{[5]
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Trustworthy Source
National Health Service (UK)
Public healthcare system of the UK
Go to source}
- For another breathing exercise, tell your child to pretend like they're squeezing a lemon in each fist while they take a deep breath in. Tell them to breathe out and unclench their fists after 3 seconds.
- If your child likes to do things with their hands, send along a fidget toy or playdough for them to mold. Sometimes, these can distract your child from their anxiety.

5

Do practice separation sessions.

Leave your child with a caregiver for a brief period of time. Get your child used to being looked after by someone else while you're gone. You might run an errand or go work out while your partner or a relative watches your child. This gives your kid the chance to get comfortable with your absence. Plus, it reinforces the fact that you always come back.^{[6]
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- Do this on a regular basis and gradually increase the amount of time that you're gone. This way, your child gets used to what it's like being apart.
- For example, ask a relative to watch your child for 30 minutes once a week. Gradually increase the amount of time to an hour or have them watch your child a few more days each week so you're apart for more time.

6

Get your child comfortable with the school.

Walk around the school together and visit their classroom. Do this on a day when your child doesn't have school. If you can, talk with their teachers and spend a little time in the classroom. Seeing you in the space can help your child associate school with positive feelings. If you've got time, play on the playground, too!^{[7]
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- Visit the school, classroom, or playground regularly, so your child becomes familiar with it. Ideally, you'd do this before the school year starts, but even visiting once your child is in school can help.

7

Give your child a memento to make them feel reassured.

Let them take a comforting item to school. If your child is very young, send them to school with their lovey or a treasured stuffed animal. For older kids, the item could be a favorite book from their room or a picture of the family. If your kid feels overwhelmed or anxious, they can pull out the memento and remember that they're loved and safe.^{[8]
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- Your child might make the comfort item part of their routine at school. For example, after they arrive at school, they might hold or look at the item for a few minutes until they feel settled. Then, they'll feel better about joining the class.

8

Come up with a short goodbye routine.

Act calm and optimistic when you say goodbye to reassure your child. Kids can pick up on anxiety—if you're worried about saying goodbye, they'll realize this. Show your child that you're confident they'll have a good day and keep your goodbyes short. This gives your child less time to feel anxious about saying goodbye.
- For example, you could take them to their classroom, give them a hug, and say, "Have a great time! I'll see you later this afternoon."
- Kids appreciate it when you're specific—you might say, "Bye, honey. I'll pick you up after lunch."
- Older kids might enjoy a special goodbye routine—come up with a secret handshake or learn how to sign "I love you."

9

Talk with your child's teacher about their anxiety.

Discuss your child's fears so the teacher can help your child cope. It can feel like the hardest thing in the world to say goodbye when your kid is upset, but trust that the teacher will reassure them. They probably have a lot of experience with separation anxiety and they'll be able to put your child at ease once you leave.^{[9]
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- If your child's separation anxiety is persistent, ask the school counselor if they can check-in and talk with your child.

10

Praise your child when they go to school.

Boost your child's self-esteem with lots of positive reinforcement. If they feel more confident heading to school, they'll feel more comfortable and separation anxiety will lessen. Make a point of telling your child how proud you are that they're going to school or staying in the classroom when you drop them off.^{[10]
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Trustworthy Source
University of Rochester Medical Center
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Go to source}
- It's hard to see your child throwing a tantrum or arguing to stay home. However, it's important to be consistent with sending them to school. Remind them what a good job they've been doing.
- Say something like, "You've been doing so good with school lately. I'm so proud of you!" or, "You're doing such a good job with going to school. Keep it up!"

11

Establish a daily routine for after school.

Make your child feel supported by structuring their day. When they're home from school, come up with a routine that works for your family. This doesn't have to be strict or super regimented, but knowing what's going to happen at home can help your child manage anxiety.^{[11]
X
Trustworthy Source
National Health Service (UK)
Public healthcare system of the UK
Go to source} A routine for a kid might look like this:
- Get home from school, have a snack, read or play, eat dinner, pick out clothes for school the next day, brush their teeth, and head to bed.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you deal with a struggling child with separation anxiety?

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Remind your child that they are safe and create an emergency contact list: make sure that your child is aware that those who are providing him an education have your immediate contact information. Ask your child to discuss any fears that may be associated with either returning to school or starting school. Do your best to place an emphasis on the idea that your child may create new friendships.