How to Improve Physical Intimacy

Last Updated: April 20, 2022 References

Whether you're a man, woman, or nonbinary person, or you identify as straight or queer, you probably know that while physical intimacy with your partner can be an opportunity to deepen your love and affection, it can occasionally be a source of great stress. When we open ourselves up to our partner through physical affection or sex, we render ourselves emotionally vulnerable, making any mistakes or difficulties hurt much more deeply than they would if they had occurred in another area of life. Thus, such problems should not be ignored, as physical intimacy issues can put serious strain on a relationship.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Building Towards Intimacy

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Become comfortable displaying your affection gradually. If you're not experienced performing physical acts of affection with your sweetheart or significant other, don't dive into the deep end!^{[1]
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Expert Source

Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 8 December 2020.} Doing so is a sure-fire recipe for confusion and hurt feelings. Instead, take your time building up your sense of physical intimacy with your partner by starting with small (but meaningful) displays of affection and gradually proceeding to more serious forms of affection. Remember, the emotions involved with physical intimacy are very potent and very real, so be sure not to rush into intense forms of physical intimacy until you're comfortable with less-intense ones.^{[2]
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- For example, your first step toward intimacy could be something simple, like having a conversation.^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  Donna Novak, Psy.D
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 8 December 2020.}
2
Engage in activities that encourage physical closeness. If you're not sure of how to begin your physical relationship with you partner, start small. Doing something that requires both of you to be physically close to each other is a perfect way to ease in to the habit of being physically affectionate with your partner and can even be a "launching pad" for other physical activities. ^{[4]
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- Try snuggling up together for a movie, riding a roller coaster together, riding a motorcycle, swimming together, or jet ski, or anything else that requires two people to cozy up to each other. Even simply sitting so that the side of your leg is touching your partner is more affectionate than not doing so. Everyone has to start somewhere!
3
Cherish cuddling. When you're comfortable being in each other's personal bubbles, you and your partner will probably naturally begin to cuddle or snuggle. Lounging as you embrace your significant other is a great, highly underrated way to relax with your partner as you strengthen the physical bond between you.
- Don't write off the time you spend cuddling with your partner - as your relationship grows more serious, you may begin to wish you had more time for it.
4
Hold hands as a sign of affection. Holding hands can sound childish and innocent to the experienced Lothario, but it's great as a simple show of affection, especially in situations where more overt displays may be inappropriate. For instance, this gesture is a socially-acceptable way to display affection in public, where actions like making out can be considered obnoxious.
- Holding hands is also something to do when other romantic gestures are impractical, like when you're stuffed into the back seat of a cramped car. While hand-holding may not be the most fiery, exciting form of physical intimacy, it is certainly the most versatile.
5
Kiss as a display of passion, but don't take individual kisses too seriously. This is it - the big moment! Kissing your significant other is a big step up from hand-holding and cuddling. It's a way of showing that you really care for and desire him or her, so your kisses should have feeling behind them. Ideally, the first time you kiss your significant other, you should be so filled with longing that's hard not to do it. .
- Of course, it's pretty unrealistic to assume that every couple is going to have a perfect first kiss, or, in fact, perfect kisses most of the time, so don't put too much stock in any one kiss. Rather treat kisses as the fun, mutually enjoyable, but serious displays of affection that they are
6
Be playful. The prospect of engaging in physical intimacy with your significant other shouldn't be intimidating - if it is, you may need to have a frank discussion with him about your intimacy issues. Physical intimacy should be an opportunity not only to display your affection for your partner, but also simply to have a good time with him or her, so consider keeping your shows of affection light and playful. "Teasing" your partner is a sure-fire way to lighten the mood - try playful tickling while you cuddle or withholding kisses during a makeout session. ^{[5]
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- As long as teasing is done in good humor and with consideration for frustration or hurt feelings on your partner's part, it's a great way to infuse any act of physical intimacy with playful passion.
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Stay happy and healthy. It bears mentioning that your attitude isn't the only thing that affects your ability to have an emotionally intimate relationship with your partner. Your physical and emotional health also factor in to your sense of intimacy with your partner. For instance, good hygiene is a must. There's no way around it - no matter how romantic you are, if you stink, your physical intimacy will suffer. You'll also want to put effort into your physical fitness so that you'll look and feel your best when you're with your partner.
- On the emotional side of the intimacy equation, you'll want primarily to deal with significant sources of stress in your life as they arise, as stress can have a profound negative impact on your ability to enjoy physical intimacy sessions.
- Exercise regularly. Research has proven that regular exercise literally makes you feel better by releasing chemicals called endorphins into the brain.^{[6]
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  Research source} These endorphins help produce a euphoric, satisfied sensation, ensuring that you're in the right mood for physical intimacy. As an added bonus, regular exercise can help you get more fit and attractive!
- Don't be afraid to talk to others - including trained professionals - about any mental stresses you're dealing with in your life. In addition to friends, loved ones, and trusted authority figures like teachers and priests, counselors can help you talk through any issues that are causing you stress and/or interfering with your ability to have satisfying physical intimacy.

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Intimacy in the Bedroom

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Rethink your attitudes towards sex. Physical intimacy in the form of sex is not a performance, a chore, or a competition. Rather, it's the sincerest possible expression of your love for someone else and a way to cement the bond between you and this other person. At the very least, it should be fun, relaxing, and fulfilling, not stressful! Don't think of sex as something that has to be done a certain way or otherwise it's not "good" - rather, think of sex as a chance for you and your partner to be yourselves. This attitude extends to the way you view your partner as well - they are a real person with his or her own unique sexual likes and dislikes.
- For example, let's say that a couple is having intimacy problems because the more dominant partner in the relationship is self-conscious about their ability as a lover. They are operating with mistaken assumptions of adequacy - basically, they think it's their job to be the "active", "experienced" partner. Ironically, this very worry is what keeps them from gaining the seasoned experience and confidence they need to be the best lover they can be. If they saw sex as more of a form of self-expression and less as an opportunity to perform a pre-determined role, they would probably enjoy it more.
2
Make time for romance. Sex is like any other skill or hobby - devoting time and effort to it can make it much, much better. You may want to try using "traditional" romantic gestures - for instance, lighting aromatic candles, sharing a glass or two of wine, and having a close, affectionate talk on the couch, basking in the intimacy of the moment. Or, you may want to try something a little more off-beat that fits the two of you as a couple. It's up to you. Remember that, whatever you choose to do, all the scene-setting will lead up to a rewarding and enjoyable shared moment of love.^{[7]
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3
Learn to massage. Massage is excellent as a show of affection, as a method of foreplay, and as a way to get close to your partner. You may want to use a neutral oil (like grapeseed oil), especially if you or your partner have allergies. If not, however, you have the option of using a scented lotion or oil, which some partners may prefer. Pleasant sensations and smells can both relax and arouse.
- Touching and being touched are both equally important, so learn both to give and to receive. If you're too jittery to receive a massage without breaking into giggles, try relaxing beforehand with some light exercise or a dip in a hot tub.
4
Be open and communicative about sex. From time to time, talk to your partner in order to learn about their likes and dislikes. Many people can be shy about expressing deep-held desires in the heat of the moment, in which case, talking about sex outside of the act itself is crucial for ensuring both partners are being satisfied.^{[8]
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- Getting in the habit of focusing on your partner's satisfaction is a great idea. If both partners have this giving attitude, sex can become an incredibly gratifying, bond-strengthening activity.
5
Go to bed together. This seems obvious, but with the demands of work (and childcare, if you have children), many couples don't have the opportunity to go to bed at the same time. Going to bed together isn't just a chance to have sex (though it's that too!), it's an opportunity to confide in your significant other, building the intimate bond between the two of you. Many of a couple's most honest, candid conversations happen in bed, as it's one part of the day where it's virtually guaranteed that no one else is around. Giving up this special time means giving up a great chance for physical and emotional intimacy.
- If your schedule simply doesn't allow you to go to bed at the same time as your partner, try at least to spend some time in bed together - before your partner gets out of bed, for instance. Also, have some way for your partner to signal you that s/he is "in the mood" so that you can make sure to be in bed with him or her when it counts.
6
Spend plenty of time on foreplay. Teasing, kissing, heavy petting, and other foreplay techniques can be incredible tools for increasing the satisfaction that both partners achieve from sex. This is also an excellent way to discover what each partner likes, as most people are more sexually open when they're "in the mood". Don't rush things - take your time so that you can truly enjoy each moment.
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Do not push for something that makes your partner feel uncomfortable. Experimenting during sex can be a wonderful thing. It's a great way to expand your horizons as a couple. However, if it's done without regard for your partner's feelings, you can end up really hurting him or her. It's acceptable to introduce new ideas to your partner, but never, ever try to push your partner into something s/he is reluctant to take part in. Doing so can lead to deep regret and irreparable damage.
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Don't put your limits to the test. Just as it's important not to be sexually demanding of your partner, it's important not to let him or her be demanding of you. Never, ever feel like you need to express your physical affection in ways that make you uncomfortable. Rushing into sexual situations that you're not ready for can leave you with confusing, painful emotional scars. If your partner asks you to do something sexual that you're not ready to do, don't force yourself to do it out of either a sense of obligation or a desire to make your partner happy. Good, respectful partners will be more than patient and understanding. ^{[9]
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- Over time, as you gain confidence as a lover, you may eventually find that you're interested in trying new things that once intimidated you. Listen to your inner voice and never feel a need to compromise in this area.
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Indulge your curiosities and fantasies. With patience, time, and respect, eventually, you'll grow more comfortable and confident as a lover. As your love grows as couple, you can start to share your more intimate fantasies (and maybe even act some of them out!) So long as it is fun, gratifying, and done in a way that maintains the love and respect both partners have for each other, there is no harm in experimentation.

Warnings

Never allow yourself to be talked into engaging in any act before you are ready. Take the time to get to know someone before you bond physically with them and be sure it is what you truly want. Never allow anyone to pressure you.^{[10]
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Make sure to practice safe sex. Make sure protection is used, to help protect your partner and yourself from any STDs. (Even with a condom or dental dam, it is still possible to transmit STDs).^{[11]
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Trustworthy Source
Johns Hopkins Medicine
Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital
Go to source}

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