How to Make Your Heart and Mind Work Together

Co-authored by Michael Stern

Last Updated: February 14, 2023 References

Have you ever made a decision and doubted it? If you want to connect your heart and mind so you can make decisions that are both thoughtful and emotional, read on!

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Evaluating the Mind

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Start with the mind. People generally consider the “rational mind” to be a good thing. We think of it as a function or process that guides our actions, logically, usually by avoiding emotion or biased judgment. Mind helps us to maximize good or benefit. For this reason, many philosophers tout mind as better than our more intuitive reactions.^{[1]
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- What is the mind? This is a big philosophical question. Let’s be clear that we’re not just talking about your brain. The mind is more than just your brain. In part, it’s the seat of consciousness, the “I” that makes you who you are.
- The mind is also responsible for higher thought. It combines sense, thinking, judgment, and memory. It allows you to weigh cost and benefit to make reasoned decisions.^{[2]
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Recognize rational patterns of thought. Rational thinking is the ability to take many variables into account and to access, organize, and analyze information to reach a sound conclusion. Whether it is planning a budget, weighing the pros and cons of a new job, or arguing politics with friends, you use rational thinking every day.
- Rational thinking is very human. In fact, it’s what separates us from other animals and is how we are able to use tools, build cities, develop technology, and spread as a species. So, it is a very valuable, useful trait.^{[3]
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Learn the advantages and disadvantages of the mind. As you can see, rational thinking is a big reason why we are here today. This does not mean that more is necessarily better, however. Star Trek fans know that super-rational beings like Mr. Spock or Data are not really human because humans also need emotion. We are not like machines.
- To a certain point, rational thinking is beneficial. We can distance ourselves from strong emotions that might otherwise direct our decision-making. If emotion guided us, would people leave home to go to college, for example? Many would not – the emotional strain and distance from loved ones would be too powerful, even if they knew, in their mind, that college was good for them.
- Rational thinking can sometimes go overboard, however. We would probably be paralyzed if we based our decisions only on reason. All choices, big and small, involve so many variables that it would be impossible to decide without listening to the heart. What should you eat for breakfast, for example? Should it be the healthiest food? The best-priced food? The most time-saving? Without a bit of heart, you would never be able to decide.^{[4]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Evaluating the Heart

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Learn to discern your heart from your rational mind. People often talk about having a “feeling” or “gut instinct.” It is hard to define. Think about it as a way of knowing that takes into account different things than your normal, rational thinking. The heart may be based on thing things like the past (your experiences), personal needs (how you feel), and the present (other people around you, choices, etc.). All of this can lead to a different calculation than reasoning alone.
- Try to tell distinguish what comes from your heart. Did a thought just pop into your head, for example? Reason usually relies on analysis – step by step thought: i.e., “Well, if I don’t do X, Y will happen. Therefore I should do X.” The heart does not always follow this pattern.
- What about that “feeling”? Sometimes intuition comes to us as vague sense. It’s hard to describe. It’s hard to even know what the feeling means. You may feel uncertain about changing jobs and not know why, for example. Outwardly, everything about the new job is great, but you still feel a nagging sense that something will go wrong. This is intuition.
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Listen to your heart. Your inner voice may not always be clear, but it’s trying to tell you something. Learn how to listen to it. To start, you’ll need to temporarily drown out our rational thought processes and focus on the voice. There are some ways that you can do this.^{[5]
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- Keep a journal. Writing your thoughts on paper may help open up the unconscious mind. Write what comes to you; be spontaneous. Begin sentences with phrases like, “I have a feeling that...” or “My heart tells me that...” The point is to follow emotional responses rather than rational ones.
- Temporarily drown out your inner critic. It may take some effort, but be watchful over your rational processes. Listening to the heart is hard because we try to rationalize it away. Allow yourself to write or think without letting in the doubting voice that says, “This is silly.”^{[6]
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- Find a quiet place. One of the best things for opening your heart is quiet contemplation. This could be meditation. Or, it could just be taking a walk by yourself in a park or woods.^{[7]
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  Michael Stern
  Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 8 July 2020.} Find a place where you can let your thoughts and emotions flow freely.
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Don’t overrate the heart. Intuition is only one way of knowing. But it is not necessarily better than your sense of reason or the best way to make decisions. While you should try to listen to your heart, don’t trust it automatically. Sometimes it’s wrong. ^{[8]
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- Say that you are on a jury. The accused insists very persuasively that he is innocent – he stirs your confidence. However, all the physical evidence says that he committed the crime. Do you listen to your reason or your intuition? In this case, your intuition is probably false.
- Think too about the possible consequences of relying only on the heart. Would you bet your life savings on a gut instinct, for instance? Say that your financial planner advises you to invest in secure mutual funds, but you have a really good feeling about an up-and-coming company called Enron. It is probably better to listen to the rational advice of an expert than to trust your instinct.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Reconciling Your Mind and Heart

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Identify your core values. Mind and heart don’t have to be mutually exclusive. That is, you can find ways to make them work together. Start with your values. The heart often speaks to a sense of deep-seated values that don’t always get included in your rational thought process. The reconciliation starts here. You need to be able to identify what your deepest values are and let them guide your rational thought.^{[9]
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Michael Stern
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 8 July 2020.}^{[10]
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- Try to deconstruct your values, if you have never really thought about it before. How were you raised? Ask yourself what values your parents emphasized – wealth, education, status, appearance? Were you rewarded for high achievement in school, for instance?
- How do you live now? You should be able to see how your values have shaped your life. Do you live in the city, the suburbs, or the country? What led you there? What do you do for a living? Someone who teaches probably values money less than someone who is a banker. On the other hand, a banker may put less importance on education than a teacher.^{[11]
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- What do you spend your money on? This more than anything else says a lot about what values drive your behavior. Do you spend money on cars? Travel? Clothing? Or perhaps the arts and charity?
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Think about decisions in terms of your values. The aim of thinking in terms of your values is not to tame your rational mind, but to work with it. Since values usually lie behind your heart, you should try to harness them and use them within your rational thought process.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Michael Stern
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 8 July 2020.} Who should you marry? Where should you work? These are things that need rational consideration, but that should also align closely with your most cherished values.
- Gain as much information as you can about choices. What is the probable benefit of a decision? Will it be something you'll ever regret? Your rational mind and heart may be giving you conflicting thoughts about a decision, and you will need to seek out all possible detail and evaluate it.
- Identify problems: what might go wrong? Say that you are thinking of getting married and really want children. However, your girlfriend has said she isn’t interested in having a family. While your rational mind may say that you love her, you should also listen to your heart and recognize that the importance you place on family does not align with her values.
- Explore options: think carefully about what's best for you. Sometimes, your first intuition will be right. However, at other times your heart needs to be balanced with a rational decision.
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Consider your highest values before deciding. One way to help you come to a good decision is to consider the problem in terms of your highest values. How do the possible solutions relate to your values? You may have to make a map of your values – going from most important to least – in order to see where they land in your personal hierarchy.^{[13]
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- Back to the problem of marriage. If family is a make-or-break issue for you, marrying someone who doesn’t want children could be a disaster, even if you love her. But if you value close bonds with your partner more than having children, there might be room to negotiate.
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Make a decision based on a rational look at your intuitive values. It seems strange, right? Thinking rationally about the heart? Just remember that the two are not contradictory. You only have to learn to listen to your heart and discover what lies behind it. Think carefully and let your values play a big role in decision-making, but do so rationally. Make choices that best serve your values and that prioritize the ones that are most important to you.
- Keep practicing. Eventually, you’ll start to find personal power in your decisions and create a marriage of your heart and mind. By listening to your heart, you can train your mind to work in harmony with it.