How to Not Give Up

Co-authored by Sydney Axelrod

Last Updated: August 8, 2022 References

Everyone has moments when life seems too hard, moments when we feel like giving up is the only option. We think that, no matter how hard we try, we’ll never meet our goals and achieve our dreams. It’s easy to just throw in the towel. If you are feeling discouraged, however, there are ways that you can reset your priorities, refocus your ambitions, and stay motivated. Don’t give up before you’ve tried it.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Dealing With Feeling Like You Want to Give Up

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Address negative thoughts and self-talk. If you took a risk and didn't get the results you hoped for — you didn't get a promotion at work, you asked someone out and she turned you down, you auditioned for a play and didn't get the part — it can be difficult to not indulge that little voice in your head that tells you to give up. When you notice yourself having negative thoughts, deliberately interrupt that thought and try reframing it with something more positive. This takes practice, but if you keep with it, looking on the bright side or for the positives can become a habit.^{[1]
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- The first step is recognizing when you're having self-doubts, and examining the underlying beliefs that cause them. Once you can identify why you're doubting yourself, you can start to overcome those feelings—but be patient with yourself, because everyone experiences self-doubt sometimes, and it may never go away completely.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Sydney Axelrod
  Certified Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 30 June 2020.}
- Reframing works like this: Instead of thinking "I didn't get the part in the play because I'm a terrible actor. I should just give up," you take a more hopeful approach, like "I guess I wasn't quite what the director had in mind. I'm going to ask him if he has any feedback about what I can work on."
- Even just replacing the thought "I can't," with "This may not work, but I'm going to try," can have a positive impact.^{[3]
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Combat feelings of helplessness.^{[4]
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Research source} When things haven't quite gone your way, it's easy to start feeling helpless or like you can't affect change in your own life. But all it really means is that you haven't found something that works yet; maybe your timing has been off, or you need to learn a few more skills, or you just haven't found the right approach. It is important to keep trying, even if it means you may face more disappointment. Success comes from perseverance.^{[5]
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- A counselor or therapist can help you learn new, productive ways of thinking.
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Seek help immediately if you feel suicidal. You may feel like you want to give up on everything; you may be overwhelmed and feel that you are out of options, because the things you have tried so far didn't work. Despite how you may feel, giving up on life will not solve your problems.^{[6]
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Research source} If you are feeling hopeless or considering suicide, seek help immediately.
- You can call a suicide-prevention hotline, like the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 (can also be texted) or TheHopeLine at 1-800-394-4673. Seek help from a trusted friend or family member, a teacher, or a counselor.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Setting Smart Goals

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Get in touch with your values. Try first to identify what really matters to you. Think about what makes you really feel excited, or what you want to be remembered for one day.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Sydney Axelrod
Certified Life Coach
Expert Interview. 30 June 2020.} Is it academic success? Your career? Fame and fortune? Setting goals that really mean something to you, that work with your values, will help you to stay motivated in the long-run.
- Try to figure out what matters most to you. This could involve your upbringing and what your parents stressed, whether money, appearance, success, or education. It might also be reflected in what you do, for example, and whether you work in finance or for a non-profit organization.
- Ask yourself what you want in life. Is it to get a good job, to feel a sense of fulfillment, or maybe to help people?^{[8]
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- Map out your goals in a hierarchy from most important to less important. Then, write down what values in life you think lie behind these goals. Namely, what is your motivation to achieve them?
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Focus on what is most important. Focus your energies on goals that you really want in life and that suit your basic values. If you have always wanted to be a doctor, for instance, and helping people is important to you, then going to med school might be a well-suited goal. You might feel unfulfilled, on the other hand, if you want to help people but have a life goal of working in advertising.
- Reassess your list of goals and compare it to your motivations. Do your motives work against your goals or do they go together?
- Say that you want to be a doctor but find that your motive is not helping people, but earning a lot of money. Are you OK with this? Or will you be unhappy with your job in the long run?
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Formulate short-term and long-term goals. Once you have carefully considered your values, think about setting long-term and short-term goals. Having both is important for motivation. Short-term goals are like milestones along the road to one or more long-term goals. Your goals for the near future will help you to see progress, keeping you on track to more distant end.
- For example, a short-term goal might be something like handing in your assignments in on time or passing your weekly quizzes. These help you along toward longer-term goals, like getting a good grade in your trigonometry class, passing AP Math, or getting into a good college.
- If you have a long-term goal, try breaking it down into easy-to-achieve steps. That will help keep you motivated, and it will help you build confidence as you see yourself making progress.^{[9]
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  Expert Source
  
  Sydney Axelrod
  Certified Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 30 June 2020.}
- Keep the list handy so that you can review your progress from time to time and check items off. Occasional review will remind you of your goals and also allow you to track your progress.
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Be realistic. By setting unreasonable, unrealistic goals you may be setting yourself up for failure. Someone who always wants the perfect job, the perfect house, or the perfect life is a perfectionist. Striving to be the best is good, but extreme perfectionists tend to be unhappy and unproductive.
- Set high but achievable goals. Having a high goal will challenge and motivate you without setting you up for a fall. Gun for a high score on the SAT without insisting on perfection, for example, but still be happy if you didn’t ace it.
- Set measurable goals, as well. “Being the best” is admirable but not very effective as a short- or long-term goal. Be more specific.^{[10]
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  Research source} Say, rather, “This year I want to lower my golf handicap and shoot an 80 on 18 holes.”
- By meeting realistic goals, you will end up gaining more confidence and fearing failure less.^{[11]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Following Through

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Break down tasks into smaller parts. You’ve already put together a long-term plan with short-term goals. This will help you stay on target, and keep you from giving up when the end seems too distant. To make things even more manageable, you can also break short-terms goals into smaller parts.^{[12]
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- Take academic goals. Say that you want to be a high-school teacher. In the long-term you’ll have to go to college for a bachelor’s degree in education and maybe take a teaching certification course. In the short-term, though, you can focus on getting good grades and for a mid-term goal being accepted into a teaching program.
- Athletic goals are similar. In order to be a top swimmer, break things into smaller parts. First, train hard and improve your times and work on your free-style, butterfly, and different strokes. Try to qualify for local or regional swim competitions. Later, as you improve, aspire to state or even national meets.
- Draw up plans for each substep, plans for each smaller part toward your big plan. Try to keep the big picture in mind and how each part fits into the whole.
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Track your progress and be willing to adjust. Step back from time to time to review your goals and your progress toward them. Doing so will help you to maintain focus. You may also find that you need to revise or even to rethink your long-term goals.
- Things won’t always work out as you intend. Stay flexible. For example, just because you weren’t able to advance past the state meet as a swimmer does not mean you have failed. Perhaps it opens new doors as a swim instructor, or perhaps that chapter of your life will close. Or, maybe you can change up your training and your diet and try again. People peak at different times in their lives, so maybe the next time around will be your time.
- Staying open to new experiences and skills will help you stay flexible. Say that you have to take anatomy to get in to your pre-med program. You’ve never taken anatomy before! Rather than be discouraged and give up, embrace the opportunity to take on a challenge and to learn something new.
- You might need to make small changes to the long-term plan. While working toward your bachelor’s, for example, you might realize that your passion is in pedagogical research rather than teaching. You could aim for graduate school instead of becoming a high school teacher.
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Celebrate success. Breaking down tasks and assessing your progress – these are important. But equally important is to recognize and celebrate your successes. Let yourself relish the triumphs, even if they are little. Celebrations will keep you motivated and give you something to anticipate.^{[13]
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- Treat yourself when you’ve reached a milestone. For example, celebrate with a day off, an outing to the movies, or by popping open some champagne with your loved ones.
- Even small gestures of celebration work, boosting your sense of accomplishment, your self-esteem, and your focus.
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Anticipate setbacks. There will be hiccups on the road to your goals, for sure, and you should plan for setbacks. Use failures to your advantage rather than becoming discouraged, though. Learn from mistakes, adjust, and move forward.^{[14]
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- Evaluate what happened. Say that you flunked a class in your degree program. Was it because of bad planning, bad preparation, bad execution, or something beyond your control? Figure out what went wrong and why and then try to make the necessary adjustments.
- You can also help keep yourself on track by having a plan ahead of time for what will happen if you experience a setback.^{[15]
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  Expert Source
  
  Sydney Axelrod
  Certified Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 30 June 2020.}

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Managing Stress and Anxiety

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Keep a wide support network. Hard work is easier when you have people cheering you on. Whether family, friends, or close mentors, cultivate relationships with people whom you trust, who have your best interest in mind, and who will have your back through ups and downs
- A few very close friends can be better than a stable of casual acquaintances.
- Spend time with friends and family, call them, talk to them, and keep them in your life. Just knowing that they are there for you will be a help.
- Be willing to reach out. Whether through talking or asking for advice, seek out support from your loved ones when you need it.
- You can also seek peer support groups to find people with common experiences and shared histories. They've "been there" before.
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Keep worry at bay. There is a big difference between caring and worrying. Caring is being invested in something, like a goal. Worrying, on the other hand, is “an attempt to control the future by thinking about it.” One is motivating. The other is impossible.^{[16]
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- Focus on what you can control. We are often faced with surprises or unforeseen events, so remind yourself that you are only human and cannot control everything.
- Encourage yourself from time to time. Anxiety is like any other feeling. You might try telling yourself this, i.e. “I feel worried, but I do things to deal with it.”^{[17]
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- Keep things in perspective. Avoid “catastrophic thinking” by reminding yourself of the scale of your worry. For instance, failing a class is bad but not the end of your education. Finishing last at a swim meet is disappointing but not the end of the world. You still have your health, your life, and people who love you.
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Take it slow and take breaks. Know when to let up when following your goals and dreams, otherwise you may face burnout – physical and mental exhaustion, discouragement, and cynicism.^{[18]
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Research source} If you are under stress, find ways to rest, relax and recharge.
- You know your mind and body best and when you might be slowing down. Make sure that your mind and body are well-rested. Otherwise, your efforts will be less effective.
- It is OK to take some time off, whether that means you’re on vacation, at yoga, out of the pool, or mentally checked out for the weekend.
- Try not to have an all-or-nothing mindset. Don't
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Live a healthy lifestyle. Exercise and a healthy diet will keep you in good shape but also support your mental well-being. Make sure that you living a good lifestyle, because by keeping yourself healthy you’ll be less stressed and better primed to achieve and focus.^{[19]
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- Physical exercise releases endorphins, boosts blood flow to your brain, increases your energy, and just generally improves mood. Try to get about thirty minutes of moderate exercise five times per week.
- Make sure to eat right, too. Eat regularly throughout the day to maintain your blood sugar levels and energy, including at breakfast, and include a wide variety of vegetables, fruit, and whole grains in your meals.
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Know when to seek help. Almost everyone feels down or helpless at some point in life. You aren’t alone and should know that there are resources and people available to help. If you feel discouraged for a long period of time, or find that low energy and depression are interfering with your life, talk to a mental health professional.^{[20]
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Trustworthy Source
National Institute of Mental Health
Informational website from U.S. government focused on the understanding and treatment of mental illness.
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- Depression can be mild or severe and can depend on your environment, events around you, or even on your physical makeup. Its symptoms include sadness, anxiety, feelings of emptiness or hopelessness, fatigue, and loss of interest in normal activities. It can even take the form of physical aches and pains.
- Consider talking to a counselor, a therapist, or a psychiatrist. They can help you to manage your depression with a proper treatment plan.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I deal with self-doubt?

Sydney Axelrod
Certified Life Coach
Sydney Axelrod is a certified life coach and the owner of Sydney Axelrod LLC, a life coaching business focused on professional and personal development. Through one-on-one coaching, digital courses, and group workshops, Sydney works with clients to discover their purpose, navigate life transitions, and set and accomplish goals. Sydney has over 1,000 hours of relevant coaching certifications and holds a BBA in Marketing and Finance from Emory University.

Sydney Axelrod

Certified Life Coach

Expert Answer

The very first step is being aware of those feelings. As humans, we're probably always going to have self-doubts, and that's okay. It's not about getting rid of them—it's more about whether you can be in a relationship while choosing to listen to a different thought. Even if it doesn't go away, don't let self-doubt run your life.