How to Play Hard to Get

Co-authored by Louie Felix

Last Updated: March 14, 2023 References Approved

The best way to play hard to get is to be hard to get. You’re wonderful and you deserve someone special. Give your crush space by spending some time apart from your phone and let your crush be the first one to make major moves. Balance this out by giving your crush hints of attention, so they don’t think you don’t like them. Keep yourself busy with hobbies, self-care, and dating other people if you feel comfortable. Boost your confidence by spending time with friends and family who love you. You’ll feel great and get your crush’s attention in no time.

1

Spend time doing the things you love.

You’ll look like more of a catch if you go out and do things you love. Rather than sitting around all day wishing your crush would text you, you will look like a much happier, less-desperate person, because you will be.^{[1]
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- Plan to see friends or family most days of the week. The more fulfilling, loving friendships you have in your life, the less desperate you will be for romantic connection, so that you can pursue it at a more patient pace.

2

Cultivate your hobbies.

Working on your interests will make you more desirable. For example, if you love to draw, block out time every week to practice drawing. Working on your hobbies is not only personally fulfilling, but it makes you a much more interesting dating-prospect.^{[2]
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- Working on hobbies will also give you something to think about besides your crush, which can be very therapeutic if you’re quite love-struck.

3

Get at least 30 minutes of exercise every day.

Exercising gives you a bunch of endorphins that make you feel happy. It also boosts your physical and mental health, and can make you feel more confident in your body.^{[3]
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- Exercise is a great stress-reliever. Next time you’re feeling heartbroken about a date-gone-wrong, try hitting the gym instead of watching TV. You might be surprised at what a difference it makes!

4

Get at least 8 hours of sleep every night.

Sleeping well can help you make smarter decisions in dating and life. It’s also much easier to look attractive when you are feeling radiant and well-rested. To get enough sleep, go to bed at about the same time every night, and make sure to unwind before bed with about 1 hour of no electronics.^{[4]
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- Getting enough sleep is a simple form of self-love. Think of it as a gift you can give yourself every night, a reminder that you care about yourself. The more you practice self-love, the more you’ll realize that you are worthy of love from other people.

5

Leave your phone on silent or at home.

Try to avoid constantly looking at your phone. It’s agonizing trying to figure out how long to wait before you text your crush back. If you text too soon, the theory is, you’ll look too needy––not a good look when you’re playing hard to get.^{[5]
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Research source} But it’s really hard to resist texting back when your crush texts. To resist that temptation, leave your phone on silent, so that you don’t hear it buzz.
- Better yet, leave your phone at home when you go out with your friends, or turn it off when you’re about to watch a movie, or go to the gym. Maybe you’ll come back and see that your crush has texted, in which case you can text them back, without having to force yourself to wait.

6

Ask your crush to hang out in a casual way.

Think before you share any romantic feelings. If you’ve had feelings for your friend for a while, it can be hard to work up the courage to ask them out. When you do, don’t spill all your feelings at once, saying, “I’m in love with you, are you in love with me?” Chances are, they didn’t think about you that way yet, which would really shut down the conversation.^{[6]
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- Instead, say, “Want to go out for dinner this week?” You don’t have to explicitly say the word “date.” You can wait for them to do that, maybe after a few “hang-outs.”
- Same goes for asking out somebody you’ve been admiring from afar. Try to avoid saying, “I’ve been crushing on you for the past year,” and instead say, “Hey, do you want to go see the new Spiderman movie this weekend?” This takes the pressure off.

7

Let your crush be the first one to go for the kiss.

Give them the upper hand and let them make the first move. Make it clear that you’re into your crush physically, by flirting, “accidentally” brushing against them, and touching your lips while you talk. Even if you’re dying to kiss your crush, let them think it’s actually their idea.
- If they’re really not getting the idea, you can go in for a hug. They’ll probably take the hint.

8

Tell your crush you want to see them after the first date.

Small rewards are essential when playing hard to get. After your first date, if you really want to see the person again, be clear.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Louie Felix
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.} Text them, “I had a really good time last night. Let me know if you want to do this again!” That makes it clear that you want to hang out again, but it avoids saying, “I didn’t sleep at all last night I was so excited thinking about our future wedding,” which (though it might be true), would probably freak out your crush.^{[8]
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- You don’t want to pretend not to like your crush, because they might give up entirely. Instead, playing hard to get is about giving them hints, without giving yourself entirely away.

9

Let your partner be the first one to say “I love you.”

Wait a little bit before you spill the beans about your feelings for them. You can hint at your feelings, by saying things like, “I really like you,” or “I love spending time with you,” or “I’m crazy about you,” but let your partner be the first one to say the big three words.^{[9]
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- This will make you feel absolutely confident that they mean it, and then you can reciprocate. Once they actually say, “I love you,” don’t hold out on them to play hard to get. That’s too mean! If you love them too, say it.

10

Focus on the reasons why you’re a great catch.

The best way to play hard to get is to realize that you are, in fact, hard to get. You are a wonderful, unique person, who deserves a partner who will be a good fit for your personality, who will be kind to you, and who you’re attracted to physically and emotionally.^{[10]
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- Instead of going into a date thinking, “will they like me?” think, “will I like them?” Assume that they’re going to like you, because you’re wonderful. Now it’s just up to you to decide if they’re worth your time. This mindset can make dating feel like a fun shopping trip for a good match, instead of a stressful exam.^{[11]
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11

Date other people besides your crush.

Boost your confidence by going on dates with other people. Who knows, you might find someone you like better than your current crush! It also gives your crush the chance to see that other people like you, and it gives you practice in going on dates, so that they don’t feel scary.^{[12]
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- If you’re really in love with your crush, and don’t want to date anybody else, then make lots of plans with your friends and family. Your crush will see that you’re a person who a lot of people love.

12

Have a love-note party with your friends.

Invite your friends over to write anonymous notes about things you love about each other. It’s a great way to shower some love on your friends, and at the end of it you’ll have a stack of notes about all the ways you are wonderful. You can read these whenever you’re feeling down and need reminders about how special and loved you are.^{[13]
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- Another great option is to look back at your old high-school yearbook or old birthday cards, and read all the kind things people have written about you. Other people can often see your true beauty more easily than you can.