How to Please Your Parents

Last Updated: September 17, 2021 References

Most people strive to keep their parents happy, but sometimes it can be difficult to know how to please your parents. However, the vast majority of parents just want to know their children are happy, healthy, and appreciative of them. Simple tasks, such as open communication and occasional favors, will improve your relationship with your parents.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Pleasing Your Parents at Home

1
Strive for empathy. Understand that being a parent is a difficult task and that parenthood can be a stressful endeavor. Empathizing with the difficulties of parenthood can help you better understand and therefore please your own parents.
- While parenting can be a fulfilling task for many, it can also be stressful especially during the early years. Your parents worked hard to raise you, so show them love and appreciation in return.^{[1]
  X
  Research source}
- Psychological studies indicate parents are happier when they view their children as center to their lives, and the idea of being a parent as a key part of their identity. If you feel this is the case with your parents, keep that in mind. While you may have your own life, social group, and romantic interests to keep track of, your parents probably still view you as an essential component to their happiness. Try to understand this and keep them filled in on your personal and professional life. They're as invested in your happiness and success as you are.^{[2]
  X
  Research source}
2
Communicate regularly. Regular communication is key to keeping your parents happy and making them feeling included in your life and your decisions.^{[3]
X
Expert Source

Peggy Rios, PhD
Counseling Psychologist (Florida)
Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.}
- Talk to your parents when you've having a problem, but also talk to them when that problem is resolved. Your parents like to feel needed, even if you're an adult or young adult. Talking to them to vent or ask for advice helps them feel included in your life and decisions. However, do not only open up when something is wrong. This will feel like a one-sided relationship. Make sure to stop by and talk once the problem is resolved^{[4]
  X
  Research source}
- Fill them in on your day-to-day life when you see them. Talking need not always be in response to a major life event or emergency. Simple chatting is also key to a strong, healthy relationship with your parents that will keep them happy.^{[5]
  X
  Research source}
- If you live at home, make sure to talk to your parents at meals or after work or school. Answer their questions with more than just a "yes" or "no" answer and ask them about their day as well. Communication should go both ways, and your parents will feel happy if they feel like you're invested in knowing about their lives as well.^{[6]
  X
  Research source}
Advertisement
3
Find time to visit. If you've moved out of your parents place but are still in the same town, find time to visit.
- Having a weekly dinner is a helpful way to assure regular visits. You can go out to eat or volunteer to cook. Your parents will appreciate having a meal prepared rather than having to go to the trouble themselves.
- Another great weekly ritual can be a movie or TV night. If there's a show you all enjoy, you can plan on taking time to watch it together each week. If there's a movie theater nearby, you could make a point of seeing a show every Sunday afternoon or Tuesday night.
- Spontaneous visits can also be a great way to please your parents. If you find yourself with nothing to do on a Friday night, stop by your parents place after dinner. If you know your dad has a long lunch break Wednesdays, stop by the house to say "Hi."
4
Help out when you can. Your parents will appreciate you occasionally helping them out with chores or other tasks around the house.^{[7]
X
Expert Source

Peggy Rios, PhD
Counseling Psychologist (Florida)
Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.}
- Do some basic household chores. Try to do so without being asked first. Something simple, like taking out the garbage or doing the dishes, can be a big help if your parents have had a busy day or week.
- When fall or spring rolls around, volunteer to help out with the yard work. Bagging leaves, mowing the lawn, and watering the garden are all tasks your parents might need help with, especially if they're getting older.
- Pay for meals once in awhile. If you're financially secure, try to pick up the bill for a family dinner now and again. Even if your parents don't need to save money, they'll appreciate it on principle. You're doing something nice for them to show them you care.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Pleasing Your Parents from a Distance

1
Maintain regular contact. If you live far away, your parents probably miss you. As previously mentioned, a lot parents view the role of a mother or a father as central to their identity. When their child is suddenly far away, they might feel lost. Keeping them filled in on your life, event at a distance, can combat such feelings.
- Try to have a regular time you call each week. Pick a day and time that's convenient for both of you. If you know your parents always stay in on Tuesdays, for example, try calling Tuesday nights after dinner. If Sundays are a low key day, schedule a weekly phone call on a Sunday afternoon.^{[8]
  X
  Research source}
- Share photos when you can. Mailing or e-mailing your parents pictures from your day-to-day life can help them feel included even though you're far away. If your parents have smart phones and are text-savvy, occasionally sending them a picture or video of something fun you did over the weekend can be a great way to keep them engaged in your life.^{[9]
  X
  Research source}
2
Teach them how to use technology to maintain social connections. Technology can be a great way to please your parents long distance. Teaching them how to use modern technologies like e-mail, social media, and Skype can help them stay connected to their children long distance.
- A computer with a camera equipped is the first step to enhancing your parents' lives via technology. Video calling through technologies such as Skype and Google are great ways for your parents to see you, your home, and your surroundings even from a distance. You could consider buying them a web cam for Christmas and finding time around the holidays to install it and teach them how to use it.^{[10]
  X
  Research source}
- Facebook can also be a great resource for long distance parents. Hearing from you via a social media platform is a fun and convenient way to maintain communication. If you get busy with work one week and miss a phone call, they can see what you've been up to by scanning your Facebook profile. If your parents are comfortable with setting up a Facebook profile, you can help them do so.^{[11]
  X
  Research source}
- If you do not have time to teach your parents everything they need to know about new technology, there might be adult education classes you can help them enroll in to learn the basics of computer skills. If you have older parents, in their 70's or 80's, this might be a good option as people of this age group tends to have less experience with computers, the internet, and e-mail than others.^{[12]
  X
  Research source}
3
Find a way to get them to events they enjoy. If your parents are getting older, it can be hard for them to get out of the house. This can lead to increased feelings of loneliness, especially if their kids have moved away. Finding ways to help them get out can help them stay happy.
- If you can't be there yourself, you can buy tickets to events they enjoy in their area. Buy them a ticket for a local play or concert, for example. You could also buy the gift certificates for restaurants, bars, or salons in the area you know they enjoy.
- Enlist other family members. If you have a cousin or sibling who lives at home, enlist their help. Ask your brother if he has time to take your dad golfing over the weekend. Ask your cousin if she could drive your mom to the salon for a manicure. Even if you can't be there, you can find a way to get your parents out of the house.
4
Tell your parents how much you appreciate them. As parents get older, they might feel obsolete. If their children have moved away and they're retired or nearing retirement, they may feel that they are no longer needed. Making sure they know how much you appreciate them can help lessen such feelings.^{[13]
X
Expert Source

Peggy Rios, PhD
Counseling Psychologist (Florida)
Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.}
- Mention the ways in which they've influenced you. If your dad always kept the dishes and kitchen clean, tell him you've taken up that habit yourself. If your mom had a particular recipe you enjoyed, tell her that you make the same food on a regular basis. If your dad's decision to go into medicine inspired you to be a nurse or doctor, make sure he knows this.^{[14]
  X
  Research source}
- Ask your parents for advice. You do not have to take their advice, but coming to them during difficult circumstances and asking for help or guidance can help your parents feel needed and important.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Taking Precautions

1
Understand the dangers of people pleasing. While it's great to want to please your parents, understand that if you grew up with particularly controlling or high pressure parents you may have fallen into a habit of people pleasing. People-pleasing can have negative effects longterm.
- People pleasers often bend over backwards to accommodate other people. In the process, they lose sight of their own needs and wants. When your feelings of pleasure and self-worth are completely rooted in the approval of others, you end up not knowing who you are and become totally unable to nurture or care for yourself.^{[15]
  X
  Research source}
- Oftentimes, people become people pleasers due to high-pressure parents. If your parents imposed strict expectations on your growing up, you may have learned that your value comes from what others expect of you. Carrying the desire to please into adulthood can have negative effects.
- People pleasers tend to have an intense fear of failure and rejection. They tend to be more high stress than others. This increased level of stress results in people-pleasers becoming less organized and productive than other people. People pleasers are also more easily affected by loneliness as their self-worth is rooted in making others happy.^{[16]
  X
  Research source}
2
Learn how to get beyond people pleasing. If you feel your desire to please your parents is rooted in compulsive people pleasing, there are ways you can get beyond this personality trait.
- Getting beyond people-pleasing is a gradual process that takes a lot of personal effort. You need to acknowledge you're too much of a people pleaser and work at consciously getting to know yourself and giving yourself the time and care you need in addition to the people around you. Patience, restraint, and discipline is important to this process.^{[17]
  X
  Research source}
- It is helpful to seek out a therapist as you try to work away from people pleasing habits. A therapist can help validate you and your feelings and help you work away from destructive patterns. You can usually find a therapist through your insurance provider. Many big cities have low or no cost clinics available for people with poor coverage or without insurance. If you're a college student, many colleges and universities provide free counseling to students.
3
Talk to your parents about your need for privacy and independence. If your parents expect too much of you, you can have a frank talk with them about your need for some independence.
- Plan what you're going to say ahead of time as your parents may become defensive. It can help to write out your issues or make an outline to follow during the conversation.
- Be reasonable. Tell your parents you're happy to keep them up-to-date on your life, but you need them to understand you need to make decisions for your own sake and not theirs.
- If you live at a distance, sometimes it's easier to simply omit information. If you might be up for promotion, for example, don't say anything until you know one way or another. That way, your parents cannot pressure you with an onslaught of questions and advice.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I stop trying to please my parents?

Peggy Rios, PhD
Counseling Psychologist (Florida)
Dr. Peggy Rios is a Counseling Psychologist based in Florida. With over 24 years of experience, Dr. Rios works with people struggling with psychological symptoms such as anxiety and depression. She specializes in medical psychology, weaving together behavioral health programs informed by empowerment theory and trauma treatment. Dr. Rios uses integrated, evidence-based models to provide support and therapy for people with life-altering medical conditions. She holds an MS and Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Maryland. Dr. Rios is a licensed psychologist in the state of Florida.

Peggy Rios, PhD

Counseling Psychologist (Florida)

Expert Answer

Just focus on your personal goals and interests. If you're actively pursuing things you're interested in, you won't spend nearly as much time focusing on what they're thinking. As a note, it's totally normal to want your parents to be happy with you and if you're being productive in the process, this isn't necessarily a bad thing.