How to Stop Being Controlling

Co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

Last Updated: January 8, 2023 References Approved

If you're worried that you're too controlling, then chances are that you expect every person and every event in your life to be a certain way. You may get frustrated when your significant other, friend, or co-workers don't act the way you want them to act, or when a meeting, a party, or a random Sunday afternoon doesn't go exactly as planned. If you have the urge to micromanage absolutely everything to make it exactly perfect and how you want it to be, then it's time to relax, take a step back, and accept that you can't control everything. Once you do that, you'll find that there's more satisfaction in giving up some control than in taking it. See Step 1 to be on your way to being a less controlling person.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Changing Your Mindset

1
Stop being a perfectionist. One of the reasons you may be so controlling is because you have the desire for everything to be perfect. You may not want people over if your place isn't spotless; you may spend an extra hour scanning a report for typos without finding any. After a while, this kind of behavior doesn't help you or anybody else. In fact, it is only hurting you and holding you back from living your life. Remember that being a perfectionist is a kind of imperfection in itself, and that the sooner you give up the urge to be perfect, the sooner you can move on with your life instead of analyzing every little thing.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- Think about it: if you're afraid to have people over because your place isn't perfect, they're much more likely to judge you for not wanting to host than for having a few pillows out of place.
- Perfectionism slows people down. Though it's great to be thorough, there are diminishing returns. Reading a report over once for typos is responsible; reading it over two or three times is a waste of your time.
2
Work on your self-esteem. A lot of people who are controlling need to work on their self-esteem, when it comes down to it. You may be controlling in your friendships or relationships because you feel that people wouldn't like you or wouldn't spend time with you if you didn't tell them every little thing they had to do. You may feel that you're unworthy, and that if you leave people to their own devices, that they may figure out that they don't like you. You need to stop this kind of thinking and realize that you are an amazing and worthy person who just needs to relax a bit.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- Talking to a therapist or a close friend about your self-esteem issues, anxiety, or any other underlying causes for your controlling behavior can be a big help. This can help you get to the root of the matter that is causing you to be controlling.
Advertisement
3
Work on managing your anxiety. Another reason you may be controlling is because you are riddled with anxiety, always thinking of the worst thing that can happen in a situation, or being terrified of facing the unknown. If this is the case, then you need to work on relaxing and realizing that it's not the end of the world if you face the unknown. Think of all of the things that can happen in a given situation, not just the absolute worst ones, and you will be far better off.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- Of course, it can take a long time to manage your anxiety, though yoga, meditation, cutting back on the caffeine, or taking the time to find the root causes of your problems can help.
4
Stop having to be right all the time. People who are controlling are often obsessed with proving that they have the best idea of how to do things or that they have the correct opinion about absolutely everything under the sun. If you want to be less controlling, then you have to work on letting others be right once in a while, and seeing that it's not the end of the world if you don't know the answer or if someone else has more experience or more insight into a given situation.
- Think about it: what's the worst that can happen if you don't know the answer to something? It happens to people all the time. You may think that people will judge you or think you're inferior in some way, but that won't happen. They'll be much more likely, in fact, to think you're flawed if you never admit that you're wrong.
- Part of not always being right is opening yourself up to vulnerability. Nobody said this would be pleasant, but this is the way to trust people and to show that you're only human. You want people to be able to relate to you, don't you?
5
Practice acceptance. If you want to stop being controlling, then you have to work on accepting things as they are. Though it's great to see something that needs improvement and to go out and change it, it's another thing to try to micromanage and change every little thing until it's exactly like you want it to be. Work on accepting the general tenor of things at your work, in your home, and in your relationships.
- Of course, revolutions are started by people who see things that need a major change and work hard to get there. But we're not talking about you being Che Guevara here. We just want you to feel at peace with the situation around you instead of trying to "fix" problems that don't really exist.
6
Know that giving up control can be just as rewarding as taking it. You may think that planning a project detail by detail or planning your wedding without any help from scratch will make you feel powerful, or maybe even invincible. And sure, there's some strength in being able to fully control a situation. But you know what else you'll feel? Exhausted. Stressed out. Like you can never measure up. Instead, letting other people help out, or even take the reigns, can be the biggest reward of all.
- Instead of putting pressure on yourself, you'll learn to love the idea of working with other people to achieve a common goal -- or even to let them work a bit more while you take a break.
- Start small. You don't have to delegate all of the duties for a major project for work as your first exercise. Instead, let your coworker choose the place where you're going to go for your lunch break. Was that so hard? If not, take a bigger step toward giving up control and see how it feels.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Trusting Others

1
Learn to have faith in other people. One of the most important things you have to do is to realize that other people are just as competent, intelligent, and hardworking as you are. Okay, so unfortunately, this doesn't mean all of them. It makes sense that you're not asking your messy little sister to help you clean up the kitchen, or that you're not asking Lazy Bob to proofread a report for you; some people around us just can't really help us out. But there are plenty of good, helpful people out there, and if you want to live a happier life, you have to learn to believe in them so you can trust them to help you and to make their own decisions.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- Think about it: if you're always telling your boyfriend, your best friend, or your lab partner exactly what to do, then how would that make them feel? They'd feel like you don't trust them because you think they're not as smart/together/awesome as you. Is that how you want the people you care about the most to feel?
2
Delegate. If you want to stop being so controlling, then you've got to learn to delegate tasks to other people. Gone are the days when you throw everything upon yourself and annoy everyone with what a bossy, stressed-out person you've become. Instead, learn to delegate tasks to people, whether you're asking a co-worker to help out on a project or asking your friend to pick up the appetizers for a party you're throwing. Once you believe in other people, you should be able to ask them to help you out.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- Sure, it takes humility to ask for help, but you'll get used to it. Everybody gets through life with some kind of help, and you should be no different.
3
Listen and learn from others. Along with having faith in people and being able to delegate to them, you should work on being able to actually learn from them. You may feel that you're the only person who has anything to teach people, but if you actually let other people in and hear them out, you'll find that you're mistaken. You can't be the expert on everything, and there will always be people who have more insight or experience than you about certain subjects. Once you step back and really listen to other people, you'll find that you do have plenty to learn.
- Don't interrupt people. Let them finish what they have to say and really take the time to think it over before you bring out your own ideas.
4
Let people be who they are. Though everyone has room for improvement, you have to stop trying to change people into the people you want them to be. Instead, you should work on letting them be who they are, and to act how they want to act, instead of conforming to your way of living and thinking. Of course, if your boyfriend does something that drives you crazy, you should talk about it, but you can't expect him to turn into a completely different person, just like he can't ask you to be someone you're not.
- It's one thing to talk about room for improvement and to help others work to become a better version of themselves. But it's another thing entirely to try to change them into something they are not.
5
Work out your jealousy issues. A lot of the reasons for why you may be controlling others may have to do with jealousy. You may be jealous that if you don't tell your best friend where to go, that she'll end up hanging out with some other friends. You may be jealous that if your boyfriend doesn't call you every hour, that it means he's with another girl. You have to learn to value yourself, and to trust that other people feel the same way about you. If you have real reasons to be jealous, then it's one thing, but if it's all in your head, then you need to work on having a more rational mindset and a more healthy outlook.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- Ask yourself why you tend to feel jealous. Is it because of a past betrayal, or does it come from your feelings of insecurity?
- If you want to be in a healthy, mutually-beneficial relationship, then you have to work on kicking those feelings of jealousy to the curb.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Taking Action

1
If what you're doing isn't helping a situation, then stop it. Sure, it can help to be controlling in some situations. If your child is misbehaving, you need to lay down the law. If your boyfriend is always late for work, you can remind him to set his alarm. But if some controlling behavior is clearly not improving the situation, it may be time to cut it loose. You need to recognize when you're just interfering and meddling, and learn to stop doing it.
- For example, if you keep trying to micromanage one of your employees and all it leads to is resentment and lower productivity, it may be time to cut back. If your best friend is depressed because she lost her job and you call her every day to see if she's applied for any new jobs and it's only making her more upset, it may be time to cut back.
2
Talk to a friend about your struggle. It can help to get another perspective about your controlling behavior. Just having someone to talk to about your feelings and your determination to change can go a long way in improving your behavior. If you're dealing with this alone, it will be harder to get motivated to truly change your mindset. Having a friend's love and support can help you see that you are capable of change and that you really can move forward and be on the way to feeling better.
- You can even meet weekly with your friend to discuss your progress. If you tell someone else about your intentions, you can feel accountable to them and will be more motivated to change.
3
Stop giving advice to everyone. Another thing controlling people do is constantly give "advice" to people about every little thing, from how they should act in their relationships to what they should order for dinner. This "advice" that you give is really more of a command or order in disguise, and you need to work on avoiding this kind of behavior if you want to be less controlling. When your input is needed or when you think you can really help, then giving advice can be a great thing to do, but in general, you should avoid giving your advice to people, especially if it's unsolicited.
- If you always tell people what you "suggest" is the best thing to do, you'll get a reputation for being a know-it-all.
4
Stop planning every second of your day. People who are controlling just love to plan, plan, plan. They know exactly when they'll get up, how many spoonfuls of sugar they'll have in their morning coffee, what time they'll get in the car to drive home, and exactly what they'll wear every day of the week. If you want to stop being controlling, you have to learn to let go of all that. While it's important to be organized and to feel like you're moving in the right direction, it's also important to leave some wiggle room for change, and to accept that you won't know exactly what will happen during every second of your day.
- Try it out. Go into your weekend without having one thing planned and then just do what you feel like doing. If you get a last minute invitation to do something fun, you should accept it.
- Though many people like having a planner, make sure that there are at least ten free hours in your week that you don't have a game plan for. Then move that up to fifteen, or even twenty. This will help you relax and see that things will still be okay if you don't always know exactly what's going to happen.
5
Learn to go with the flow. Controlling people tend to avoid getting lost in the moment, taking spontaneous trips, or just doing something completely crazy because that's what people feel like doing. They have a plan and they are determined to stick to it at all costs. So, it's time to give all that up, and to just enjoy being by yourself and hanging out with other people without knowing what will happen next.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- The next time you're with a group of people, hold your tongue when it comes to deciding what to do. Let them decide. You'll see that it wasn't nearly as bad as you expected it to be!
6
Become more flexible. If you want to work on being less controlling, then you have to make room for some flexibility in your schedule. Maybe something came up last minute with your boyfriend, and you'll have to move your date night up a day. Will that be the end of the world? Maybe your meeting at work got rescheduled for the afternoon; maybe your sister needs your help with her kids and no one else can do it. Learn to take the things that life throws at you, and to be flexible enough to not let it feel like a tragedy if your week doesn't turn out like you expected it to.
- To really be flexible, you have to realize that ultimately, a few unexpected hours in your week or a few last-minute changes won't have a huge impact on your life. Once you realize this, you'll feel much more free and open to possibilities.

Expert Q&A

Question

Why is it bad to be controlling?

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor

Expert Answer

It's fundamentally selfish. If you're trying to control another person's behavior, it means that you're putting your personal needs in front of the other person's needs.