How to Stop Being Too Hard on Yourself

Last Updated: April 28, 2021 References

Dwelling on negative thoughts or events in your life can be hard to overcome. If you notice you are being too hard on yourself for a mistake or event in the past, you should identify the specific ways in which you could learn from the experience and move on with your life. You may need to forgive yourself and learn to be more compassionate towards yourself.^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source} It can also help to notice the things that are positive in your life. By learning to work with your mind and gain perspective, you can eventually stop being too hard on yourself.^{[2]
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Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Learning from Life Experiences

1
Recognize that you are being too hard on yourself. You should recognize signs that you are being too hard on yourself. For instance, you may criticize yourself a lot for not living up to who you think you should be or struggle with negative thoughts about yourself. It is important to recognize the specific ways in which you are being too hard on yourself and how they may be impacting your work or personal life. A few signs you may be too hard on yourself include:^{[3]
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- Dwelling on negative thoughts and mistakes.
- Feeling exhausted all the time.
- Feeling guilty.
- Not taking care of yourself when you get sick, such as refusing to use sick days.
- Avoiding praise from friends or colleagues.
- Comparing yourself to others in a way that makes you feel inadequate.
- Feelings of inadequacy in relation to work or relationships.
- Constant worry or anxiety about your life.
- Inability to let go of past failures or mistakes in your life.
2
Forgive yourself for past mistakes or failures. Forgive yourself for the specific thing you did wrong, so that you can repair your sense of self and move on with life. You should make sure you have stopped doing whatever it is that you feel guilty or shameful about. Then, forgive yourself for the specific thing that you feel bad about.^{[4]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- If you have harmed someone important in your life, experienced failure or made a mistake at your workplace, you would benefit from forgiving yourself.^{[5]
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  Trustworthy Source
  American Psychological Association
  Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
  Go to source}
- If you forgive yourself before stopping the behavior you feel bad about, you may simply be letting yourself down. For example, forgiving yourself for smoking can be a way of excusing a bad habit that is negatively impacting your life. Instead, quit smoking and then forgive yourself for being a former smoker.^{[6]
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  Trustworthy Source
  American Psychological Association
  Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
  Go to source}
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3
Write down three good things every day. In your journal or a notebook, write down three good things in your life. Write about something good that happened in your day, how it happened and why you feel grateful. It is helpful to write down three things you are grateful for on a daily basis, perhaps at the end of your day.^{[7]
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- If you were able to catch up with an old friend on the phone, you could write: “Got a chance to catch up with John. It was so nice to hear from him. I ran into him at the party the other week and suggested we catch up on the phone. I'm happy we were able to reconnect.”
- If you made time in your day for a nice breakfast in the morning, you could write: “I woke up a bit earlier this morning and enjoyed a really delicious breakfast. I had time for a second cup of coffee at home before going to work, which was lovely.”
- If your kids were well behaved after school, you could note: “Sara and Dave got their homework done after school. They didn't tease or fight today. Feel grateful for some signs of improved behavior.”
4
Review your list of things you are grateful for. Every once in a while, such as once a week, you should review the list of positive things in your life.^{[8]
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Research source} This practice will allow you to turn your attention away from self-criticism and towards gratitude, which is very important for self-esteem and a positive outlook on life.^{[9]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- Practicing gratitude can increase your sense of well-being and has multiple mental health benefits.^{[10]
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  Trustworthy Source
  American Psychological Association
  Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
  Go to source}
- If you wrote about being grateful for the friends in your life on Monday, about a nice meal on Wednesday and about a good sleep on Saturday, think about how lucky you are to have friends, rest and delicious food in your life.
5
Focus on future goals. Allow yourself to move on from past mistakes and failures. Instead of focusing on the past, turn your attention towards your future goals or ambitions. Consider what kinds of relationships and career advancements you want to achieve in the next year.^{[11]
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- If you want to make a career transition in the next year, think about a manageable goal that would allow you to start making this transition such as enrolling in a relevant course or talking to a friend in the field.
- If you want to move up in your field, consider writing down a goal that would help with your career advancement.
- If there is a certification that you need to advance in your field, consider how you could make room in your life to work on it.
6
Stop discounting your own ideas. Recognize the value in your ideas and share them with the world. If you find yourself discounting your own ideas in relationships or at the workplace, you could stop being self-deprecating and start sharing ideas in small ways.^{[12]
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- Try sharing your ideas as a suggestion. You could say: “I just had a thought about how this might work. What if we did it this way.”
- Try saying: “I wrote some ideas down about our project last night. I thought I would share a few of the key ideas I wrote down and get your feedback on them.”
7
Accept compliments. Instead of refusing compliments from people in your life, you should try to accept them. If someone gives you a compliment, try to smile and say “thank you.”^{[13]
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Research source} Try accepting a compliment with one of these phrases:^{[14]
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- “Thanks so much, it means a lot to me.”
- “That is so sweet of you. I really appreciate it and will also pass your compliment along to my colleague Jen, who helped me with the project.”
- You should avoid trying to give a better compliment to them. For example, avoid saying: “That's nice of you but you put way more work into it than I did.”

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Working with Your Mind

1
Recognize your inner critic. You should learn to recognize your “inner critic” or, in other words, the voice in your head that says mean things. If you hear yourself saying things to yourself that you would never say to a friend, it is your inner critic. If you hear this critic, take a deep breath and let the thought pass. When you feel more relaxed, notice that things aren't as bad as your inner critic may have described them. Try to think about the topic you were considering in a more grounded and reasonable way.^{[15]
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- If you hear yourself saying things in black and white terms, in an irrational but persistent tone, you may also be experiencing your inner critic.^{[16]
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2
Use affirmative self-talk. Remember that the things we say about ourselves, even when they aren't expressed to someone else, make a difference in our lives. Try using affirmative statements such as the following:^{[17]
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- “I can get through this situation.”
- “I am a basically good human being.”
- “I love myself.”
- “I have something to contribute.”
- “My work matters.”
3
Practice meditation. Find a relaxing and relatively quiet room in your home. Find someplace to sit such as a chair or a cushion. Sit up straight, with a straight back and an open chest. Imagine a string pulling you up from the base of your spine to the top of your head. Notice that you are breathing. If you find your mind is wandering, simply turn your attention back to your breath. By meditating, you can learn to listen to your own experience and be more mindful of your life.^{[18]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- Use an application such as Headspace, Buddhify, Calm or the Mindfulness App. With a meditation application, you can follow a guided meditation. You can also customize meditation sessions with different start and end bells or gongs. Most apps have a timer function so that you can set the length of your meditation session and not worry about looking at a clock.^{[19]
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- Find meditation classes in your area. Try searching online for local meditation classes.
- You can find a list of meditation centers that offer classes and retreats in a variety of meditation traditions at the Center for Mindfulness website.^{[20]
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4
Seek professional help. If you experience a lot of self-doubt or low self-esteem, you may want to seek help from a mental health professional. Look for a counsellor, psychologist, psychiatrist or other mental health practitioner in your area.
- You may be able to find a referral service for a therapist in your area, which would involve talking to someone about your needs and obtaining a recommendation.
- Consider asking a friend or a family member for a referral.
- You could search for a therapist online.^{[21]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Putting Things in Perspective

1
Avoid dwelling on your mistakes. Try to avoid mulling over your mistakes or failures. It is important to be kind and compassionate to yourself. Although you may feel bad about how things have turned out in some area of your life, it is necessary to learn from them and move on with future projects and goals.^{[22]
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- If you find yourself ruminating on all of the mistakes you made in a failed romantic relationship, you may want to stop chewing over or repeating these mistakes in your mind. Repeating negative thoughts about yourself or a relationship can be a way to get stuck. If you find you are not getting any new insights into why the relationship failed or about yourself, you may be better off shifting your attention to your current life circumstances and future plans.^{[23]
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2
Put failure in perspective. Think about your life in the future such as two, five or ten years. Imagine your future life and the things you hope to have achieved in your work and relationships. From the perspective of your future self, consider whether the event or experience you are currently struggling with will still matter. Perhaps you are being too hard on yourself.^{[24]
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- For example, perhaps you missed an important meeting and lost a client to another company. Perhaps you will be able to find new clients in the coming year or two and this event will only look like a minor setback in a few years.
3
Talk to a friend. It may help to talk to a friend about the things you are struggling with or being hard on yourself for. If you find it difficult to gain perspective on things, they may be able to help. You can lighten the burden by sharing your difficulties. Your friendship may even bring some laughter into your life, which also helps to lighten the load.^{[25]
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- You could invite a friend for a coffee or drink. Tell them about your struggles and see if they can offer a different perspective. Perhaps they will be able to see the situation in a different light.
- You could go see some standup comedy or a film with a friend. Before or after the event, you could open up to your friend about your current situation. See if they can offer some perspective.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I be OK with myself?

Chad Herst, CPCC
Mindfulness Coach
Chad Herst is the Executive Coach at Herst Wellness, a San Francisco-based wellness center focused on Mind/Body Coaching. Chad is an accredited Co-Active Professional Coach (CPCC) and he has been working in the wellness space for over 19 years, with experience as a yoga teacher, acupuncturist, and herbalist. He received his BA from Columbia University and his MS in Traditional Chinese Medicine from the Pacific College of Oriental Medicine.

Chad Herst, CPCC

Mindfulness Coach

Expert Answer

Meditation can help you overcome negative self talk. Over time, when you meditate, you can develop self compassion that is gentle, warm, and abiding. It allows for a lot of the self-loathing or shame to quiet down, although that does take time. It's like working out—if you've been lifting a weight for a long time, you can do it easily, and if your brain is used to you being self-critical, it will follow that same thought pattern quickly and easily. With time and practice, though, you can do the same thing with self compassion.