How to Talk to Someone You Barely Know

Last Updated: January 10, 2023 References

Whether you're going to a party, starting at a new job or school, or attending a networking event, at some point you will have to interact with people you don't know or barely know. It can be intimidating to enter a room and not have anyone you really know there, but that shouldn't stop you from getting to know people. Learning how to strengthen your conversational skills will help you approach and get to know strangers or people you hardly know.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Having a Conversation

1
Recognize body language. If someone wants to talk and is open to a conversation, that person's body language will probably give you a clue. Though some people may think of body language as more of a dating/flirting ritual, we all send subconscious and conscious clues about how we feel towards someone with our body's movements, positions, and mannerisms.^{[1]
X
Research source} Being aware of your own body language, as well as the body language of someone you're trying to start a conversation with, will send mutual signals to indicate an interest in talking or a desire to be left alone.
- If someone faces you, leans in to talk, or keeps her arms open instead of crossed, that person is probably eager to talk.^{[2]
  X
  Research source}
- Smiling, especially a Duchenne smile, is a sign of welcome and positive engagement. To decipher a Duchenne smile (often called a genuine smile), look for narrowed eyes that form wrinkles or "crow's feet" at the outside corners of each eye.^{[3]
  X
  Research source}
- Direct eye contact is a very strong indication of interest and engagement. If the person you're chatting with is looking you in the eye, she probably is interested in what you're saying, or at least wants to continue the conversation. Conversely, if the person avoids your eyes or moves away from you in some way, she probably does not want to continue the conversation.
2
Introduce yourself. If someone seems open to having a conversation and you've approached one another, introduce yourself. It may sound obvious that introductions are an important part of a conversation, but how you introduce yourself can convey a lot of subtle information, and could set the pace for the rest of the ensuing conversation.^{[4]
X
Trustworthy Source
Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
Go to source}
- Shake hands when you first meet. It's a good way to initiate the greeting, as it shows courtesy and respect.^{[5]
  X
  Research source}
- Make eye contact and smile while you extend your hand to shake.
- Say hello and state your name. Try something like, "Hi, I'm ____." If the setting is very casual, you can use a more informal greeting like "Hey" or "What's up," but be sure to still say your name.
- If the other person does not offer her name, you can ask, "What's your name?"
- Be sure you remember the person's name. Try associating it with someone you know by the same name, or use a mnemonic device to recall her name later. For example, if the person's name is Brenda and she has brown hair, you can use the first two letters of both words to recall brown hair with Brenda.
Advertisement
3
Offer a genuine compliment. Once you've shook hands and introduced yourselves, it's generally a good idea to offer a sincere compliment to start the conversation (if you feel comfortable doing so). It helps put people at ease and lets them know that you're interested in chatting and getting to know one another. The compliment can be based on how the person is dressed (like saying, "That's a beautiful necklace" or "I love your shirt, it's a great color on you!") or on someone's accomplishments, if you know of any (for example, telling an artist, "I saw your work at the gallery, I really loved your painting!").^{[6]
X
Research source}
4
Ask open-ended questions. After you've introduced yourselves and made pleasantries, it's time to begin the actual conversation. To keep a conversation going strong, it's best to avoid questions that would elicit a short one-word answer. Instead, ask open-ended questions that you don't know the answer to. This allows the other person to expand on things she says and creates more of an opportunity for a genuine back-and-forth dialogue.^{[7]
X
Research source
[v160969_b01]. 10 February 2021.}^{[8]
X
Research source}
- If the person you're talking to says where she's from, don't ask "Did you like it there?" That will only provoke a yes or no answer. Instead, ask something like, "Wow, I've never been there. What was it like living there?"
- Instead of asking where someone works, try a broader question like, "What do you do?" It invites an explanation of both the job she works and the place she's employed, which can lead to further questions and discussions.
5
Listen more than you talk. Some people are eager to interject in a conversation, asking questions simply for the opportunity to share their own opinion on the subject. This can be off-putting to many people, and it is not very conducive to a meaningful conversation. Instead, try to minimize the amount of time you dominate the conversation, and practice listening to make a real connection with someone (instead of just listening for your chance to interject or respond).^{[9]
X
Expert Source

Sabrina Grover, LMSW
Licensed Master Social Worker
Expert Interview. 3 December 2021.}^{[10]
X
Research source}
- Don't worry about what to say next. Be a good listener and take in everything your conversational partner is saying, and you're sure to find something to ask about or expand on.^{[11]
  X
  Research source}
- Practice empathetic reflecting skills. This means nodding at what's being said to show you comprehend it, and then (once the other person is done talking) restating it in your own words to show you've absorbed it. For example, if the person says that she thinks blues music is the best genre of music, give a polite nod and say something like, "The blues certainly have influenced a lot of other genres in American music. I guess blues music is sort of the foundation for most contemporary music."
- Resist any urge to offer judgment. Judging your conversational partner for what she's said when you do not know her can quickly alienate her and force the conversation to a premature ending. Instead, reflect on what the person says and work on picking up on nonverbal communications. Be aware of your own nonverbal signals as well. Don't flinch if someone says they're a Republican and you're a Democrat. Simply ask something like, "That's interesting. I don't know many Republicans. What informs your beliefs?"
6
Be a polite speaker. When it's your turn to speak, what you say may be just as important as how you say it. It's important to be aware of your tone and volume, as well as the way you phrase your responses. The best way to do this is to think carefully before you speak, rather than mindlessly responding to any question or prompt you're given.^{[12]
X
Research source}
- Watch how long you speak for. 30 to 60 seconds is generally acceptable, but if you go over a minute of consecutive talk time on one single response, you're pushing the other person's ability to maintain focus.^{[13]
  X
  Research source}
- Don't overshare. There are some things people simply don't want to hear about, and that is particularly important if you're chatting with someone you barely know. Rather than talking about your medical history or a recent breakup, talk about things that are interesting and relatable.^{[14]
  X
  Research source}
- Avoid making it all about you. Instead, try to talk about things that you can both relate to, and use your best judgment when bringing up anything remotely controversial or highly-opinionated.
- Use "I" statements instead of declarative statements.^{[15]
  X
  Research source} For example, instead of saying, "New York is the worst place to live," frame your comment around your own experience. In that example you could say something like, "I understand why everyone loves New York, but I had a really hard time adjusting there. It's very expensive to live in New York, and the people aren't as friendly there as they are here."

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Wrapping Up the Conversation

1
Know when to excuse yourself. If the conversation takes a bad turn or if you run out of things to talk about, you may need to excuse yourself. However, if you were really interested in what the other person was saying, or if you want to continue talking to someone you will be working with for the foreseeable future, you may need more of a timeout than an ending. Either way, excusing yourself tactfully is important, and it's of even greater importance if you intend to continue the conversation later.
- Excuse yourself politely. Tell the other person you need to get a drink of water or use the restroom. That way you can collect yourself, and if you want to return to the conversation later, you will still have an opening to jump in.^{[16]
  X
  Research source}
2
Find a natural ending point. If the conversation was going well but you're simply running out of things to talk about, you may find a natural ending point within the conversation. That may be when a moment of silence goes on too long, or it could be an interruption by someone else who'd like to speak with your conversational partner. Whatever seems like a good and natural end point to the conversation you've been having, recognize it and make use of it to prevent the conversation from becoming forced and awkward.
3
End things politely. No matter when or why you choose to wrap up the conversation you've had, it's important to do so politely and respectfully. You can make up an excuse if you want to, but it may be awkward if you're caught in your lie at a later point. Instead, simply wrap up the conversation and offer some words of kindness or thoughtfulness to leave as good an impression as possible.
- Say something cordial, such as, "Well, it's been great talking to you" or "I've really enjoyed our conversation."
- You can also offer something thoughtful to show that you're not trying to be rude. Say something like, "Well, you must be busy," or if a third person expresses interest in chatting you can say something like, "I'll leave you two to carry on. It was really great talking to you!"

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Strengthening Your Conversation Skills

1
Read up on current events. Keeping up on the latest local, world, and pop culture news can give you a lot of ammunition when you find yourself searching for something to talk about. Most people have at least a passing knowledge of what's going on in the world, whether it be in politics or sports, and having a shared opinion on something in the news can help break the ice and give you something to talk about.^{[17]
X
Research source}
- You don't have to talk about serious political positions - in fact, it might be best if you avoid controversial or highly-opinionated subjects.
- Try asking someone, "So have you heard about _____?" Then ask her for her opinion on the subject. There's a good chance that a simple question like that can lead to other topics of conversation, and you'll also learn a lot about the other person from her responses.
2
Learn about others in advance. You may not know the people you'll be talking with, but perhaps you share a mutual friend or two. You can ask that friend what sorts of things the person you'll be talking to is interested in, and use that information to plan out some conversational topics. Or, if you don't share any mutual friends, try looking the other person up online. If you know someone's name you can search for her on social media sites like Facebook. Even if you're not friends and can't read the person's page, you might be able to at least see some of her interests or hobbies, or deduce from her photograph what sorts of things she's interested in.^{[18]
X
Research source
[v160969_b01]. 10 February 2021.}
- If a person's social media photograph shows her hiking or playing sports, you'll know that she's interested in those pursuits. A photograph of a pet lets you know that she's very interested in animals. A photo with her children tells you that she has a family, and may be interested in talking about the struggles and rewards of parenting.
- Don't use social media or the internet to "stalk" another person. Simply take a glance and see what you can deduce about a person, if you know for certain that that individual will be at the social event you're attending. Then come up with something to talk about, should the opportunity arise.
3
Plan some questions and responses. It goes without saying that there's no way to perfectly plan out what everyone will say during a given interaction. But since you have little or no experience talking to the person/people you will be speaking with, it may be helpful to plan out where you would like the conversation to go.^{[19]
X
Research source}
- Decide how you will open the conversation. People will inevitably ask what you do, so plan out how you can talk about your work in a way that an outsider will understand and find interesting.
- Prepare some basic questions to get the conversation going. You will probably want to ask the person what her name is, what she does for a living (or what she's studying, if she's a student), and how she knows any mutual acquaintances you might share.^{[20]
  X
  Research source
  [v160969_b01]. 10 February 2021.}
- Anticipate similar questions being asked of you, and know what to say. You don't have to write a script for yourself, but simply knowing in advance that those types of questions will be asked can help you better prepare for the interaction.
4
Recognize your anxiety. If you're anxious about being in a situation where you have to interact with people you hardly know, you might be feeling understandably anxious. Many people try to avoid thinking about things that make them anxious, which makes sense if you're trying to concentrate at work or on some task in the moment. However, leaving that anxiety unchecked could cause you additional stress, which might increase your feelings of dread about the upcoming social situation. Instead of ignoring the way you're feeling, acknowledge those thoughts/feelings and find a way to work around them.^{[21]
X
Research source}
- Learn to recognize when an upcoming event is making you feel anxious. If the thought of talking to strangers gives you a fluttering in your stomach, sweaty hands, dry mouth, a headache, a tight jaw, or the feeling that you're grinding your teeth, there's a good chance that you're feeling stressed about the social event.^{[22]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  American Institute of Stress
  Non-profit organization providing resources on stress-management in education, research, clinical care, and the workplace.
  Go to source}
- Try to reframe the situation by shifting your focus away from how awkward and stressful the event will be, and instead think about how you might end up having very rewarding conversations that could lead to friendship, professional connections, or just a simply enjoyable time talking to someone new.
- Use a calming technique to help you lower your stress levels.^{[23]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Harvard Medical School
  Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
  Go to source} You can try deep breathing through your diaphragm, seated meditation, or even a visualization exercise. Try visualizing yourself leaving the social event empowered by your charisma, having had genuinely enjoyable conversations and made new friends or professional contacts. You can also use your calming technique right before you enter the social event to further prepare yourself.

Community Q&A

Question

There's someone I like and we take band together, but she sits far away and we only get 10 minute breaks. How can I find an opening to talk?

Berwyn Koo

Community Answer

Maybe you could try finding common ground, like topics you are both interested in. Given the short 10 minutes, make every minute count. Plan what you want to say.
Question

What this person intimidates you a lot?

Community Answer

Just go for it! Use some small talk to get to know them and just go with whatever happens!
Question

Would these tips help a shy guy talk to a girl?

Community Answer

Yes, these tips will work well for shy guys!

Warnings

Avoid controversial topics. It's best to leave politics, religion, and similar highly-charged topics out of your conversation.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 17 Not Helpful 3
Making some eye contact is good. Staring them down is uncomfortable. Do your best to make eye contact, but it's okay to look around a bit.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 4 Not Helpful 1