How to Tell if Someone is Ignoring Your Calls & What to Do About It

Sometimes it can be difficult to tell if someone is deliberately avoiding you when you phone. This can make you feel anxious, hurt your feelings and create a socially awkward situation. Before you do anything rash, there are a few logical things you can do to determine if you are being avoided. Once you're sure you know where you stand, you'll need some social skills to smooth things between you and your friend.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Assessing the Situation

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    Check your call log. Check to see if all your calls to your friend have been missed. What’s the ratio of missed calls to answered calls? Notice the call length, the time you called them, how often you call them and whether or not they have called you. If the balance of missed calls, answered calls and placed calls seems off to you, think of other reasons this may be. Perhaps their phone plan is limited or they can’t buy phone credit/minutes/top-up regularly.
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    Determine whether you're calling at a convenient time. Think of things that your friend might be busy with. If you know them well and are aware of their schedule, think of any activities they might be engaged in. Perhaps they're in a meeting or is driving somewhere. Perhaps this is the time of day they take a nap or they sleep early. Have they mentioned any event that they might be attending that is not part of their regular routine? Perhaps their ringer is off/her phone is on silent or the battery needs to be charged. Don’t jump to conclusions. They may have a genuine reason for not answering your call.
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    Consider the state of your relationship. Has anything happened recently that has made things awkward between you and your friend? Can they have any reason for avoiding your call other than being busy? Think about their behavior toward you recently. If they've been cold, possibly distant, then there’s a possibility that your calls are being avoided.
    • Be careful. Again, be careful not to jump to conclusions. Your assessment of your relationship may be biased. Consider asking an unbiased friend for advice on the matter.
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    Call back at a different time. Pick a time that you know they're available to talk. When you call, let the phone ring for at least a minute, in case they're rushing to pick it up. Their phone might just be out of reach or in another room. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:

Testing Your Theory

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    Call from a different phone. If they don't answer, call back once. If they still don't answer, leave a message asking them to call you back and give a brief explanation of why you’re calling. Unless you’re in an emergency, resist the temptation to call anyone repeatedly in the hopes your call will be answered. This can be irritating and can be considered rude.[1]
    • Try leaving them a message that offers a clear understanding of what’s going on. You may say something like, “I notice you’re not answering my calls, and you’re probably trying to tell me something, but I can’t truly guess what that is without talking to you. If you’d like to talk about it, let’s schedule a time to chat.”
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    Ask a mutual friend if they've spoken to them recently. It’s possible that your mutual friend knows if your friend is avoiding your calls or if they're busy with another activity and is unable to attend calls at the moment. Your mutual friend might also be able to give you any indication of whether or not your calls are being avoided.
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    Ask someone else to call your friend. If your call is not answered, have someone else call that person immediately after you do. If their call is answered but yours isn’t, it’s possible that your friend is avoiding your calls.
    • If you’re close to your mutual friend, explain the situation to them. If their call is attended, they might weave into conversation that you were both trying to call and your call was not answered.
    • Make sure you pick a friend who is socially intelligent: pick someone who gets along well with others and whom you’ve seen successfully navigate tricky social situations such as making peace between two friends. A socially intelligent[2] friend will be better able to assess the situation and give you advice.
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    Try an alternative form of communication. It’s possible that your friend has lost their phone or prefers text messages over phone conversations. If you’re close to them, you’ll have an idea of which mode of communication they prefer. Try a social media platform that they frequently use.
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    Evaluate your relationship. Is this a really close friendship or a family member or someone whom you want a smooth relationship with? Has anything happened lately that could explain their behavior? Were harsh words exchanged recently or did you do something that might have offended them?
    • If the answer to all questions is no, then ask yourself if it’s worth worrying about it. Brush it off, busy yourself with other things and try other means of communicating with them, if you need to. Consider reducing the frequency of your calls if you are still bothered by your friend ignoring you. If nothing else, this will create fewer chances for your feelings to be hurt.
    • If this is a relationship that you want to be smooth, you'll need to put in some effort to make things better.
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    Change your behavior. If you know that something you have done or are doing is the reason your calls are being avoided, try to show you’re sorry or stop doing that particular thing. Pay special attention to the way you behave on the phone. For example, if you know that your friend doesn’t like to gossip but you do, avoid gossiping about others when you call them. Or if you’ve recently hurt their feelings, meet with them or write to them to apologize.
    • Once you make amends with a person, they are not likely to avoid you.
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    Talk to them in person. If changing your behavior does not rectify the situation or if you want to get to the heart of the matter, talk to them about what is going on. Ask to meet them at a time that’s convenient for both of you. Make sure you set aside enough time, in case you have a long discussion. Tell them you’ve noticed that they've missed your calls lately and you’re wondering why that is.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Confronting Your Friend

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    Speak in a calm and friendly voice. Avoid speaking in an accusatory tone. This is especially important if they're already angry.[3] If you’re confrontational, you might make your relationship worse. Often it’s not what is said but the tone in which it’s said that sours friendships.[4]
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    Be direct and avoid blame and criticism. Ask them why they're avoiding your calls. Ask them if there’s something you’ve done or something that they would like to talk about. Mention specific examples of times you’ve called them. Listen to their explanation patiently and without interrupting. Explain your point of view of the situation. Avoid pointing fingers or laying blame on anyone: you’re trying to solve a problem, not blame someone for the problem.[5] .
    • Avoid calling them names and be polite: this will show them that you’re frustrated because you care.[6]
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    Address any problems they bring up. Discuss solutions to any points they raise. This will show them that you want to make things better between you.[7] Try to think of things from their point of view and empathize. Follow through on anything that you think you can do to make things between you better.
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    Move on. Agree to bring up any issues in the future instead of avoiding each other. Avoiding problems doesn’t solve them and often exacerbates them. Accept that some times life becomes busier than usual or that friends grow apart over time. Try to find other ways of staying in touch if it’s difficult for your friend to talk on the phone as often as you used to.
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Community Q&A

  • Question
    What if someone said to call back, but didn't answer when I called?
    Community Answer
    Community Answer
    If someone asks you to call back later, but then does not answer, they may not have seen or received the call, or they may have been busy at the moment you called. Try texting to see if they are available.
  • Question
    What do I do if the person refuses to speak to me?
    Community Answer
    Community Answer
    Respect their wishes and then patch things up when they are ready to talk to you. Sometimes people just need some time to themselves to work things out.
  • Question
    What should I do if I tried apologizing, but they kept ignoring me?
    Community Answer
    Community Answer
    They might need a little more time to get over what happened, accept your apology, and to forgive you. Sometimes, there is nothing more you can do, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to move on.
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References

  1. ↑ https://emilypost.com/advice/top-10-cell-phone-manners
  2. ↑ https://www.karlalbrecht.com/siprofile/siprofiletheory.htm
  3. ↑ http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/dealing-with-angry-people.htm
  4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201311/it-s-not-what-you-say-it-s-how-you-say-it
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201208/relationship-repair-10-tips-thinking-therapist
  6. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rory-vaden/conflict-resolution_b_1474742.html
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201508/five-basic-rules-getting-along-anyone-anywhere

About This Article

Evan Parks, PsyD
Co-authored by:
Evan Parks, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
This article was co-authored by Evan Parks, PsyD. Dr. Evan Parks is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and an Adjunct Assistant Professor at The Michigan State University College of Human Medicine. With over 25 years of experience, he specializes in helping people manage chronic pain through the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) Approach at Mary Free Bed Rehabilitation Hospital. He also has experience working with others on topics ranging from stress management to mental flexibility. Dr. Parks is also the author of Chronic Pain Rehabilitation: Active Pain Management That Helps You Get Back to the Life You Love. Dr.Parks holds a BA in Theology from Cedarville University, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Western Michigan University, and a PsyD in Clinical Psychology from The Forest Institute of Professional Psychology. This article has been viewed 439,671 times.
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Co-authors: 25
Updated: November 29, 2022
Views: 439,671
Categories: Handling Difficult Phone Calls
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