Do you want to comfort someone close to you on the anniversary of their loved one’s passing, but aren’t sure what to say? In truth, there is no one right thing to say. The best thing to do is simply speak from the heart and let them know that you’re there for them. Whether you’re visiting them in person or sending a text, email, letter, or card, we’ve compiled tons of thoughtful messages to show that you care.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical social worker and certified yoga therapist, Ken Breniman. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • Acknowledge the person's passing and don’t be afraid to say their name. Let your friend or family member know that you’re thinking of them on this day.
  • Show your support. Let your loved one know you’re available to them and offer to bring them a meal or take care of a daily task to give them a break.
  • Ask how you can honor their loved one’s memory. Also, give them the opportunity to talk about the person who’s passed.
  • Avoid passing judgment on how or how long a person grieves. Steer clear of platitudes like “He’s in a better place,” as well.
1

“Thinking of you on the anniversary of Mia’s passing.”

  1. Acknowledge the anniversary of the person’s death directly. Oftentimes, we’re hesitant to bring up what happened for fear of upsetting the person. The truth is, your friend or family member will likely appreciate that you remember the date and are reaching out to acknowledge what they’re going through.[1]
    • “Today must be tough for you. I can’t believe your dad’s been gone for a year.”
    • “Remembering Jayden on the third anniversary of his death.”
    • “You’re on my mind today.”
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3

“How can I honor Noah today?”

  1. Ask them how they’d like to celebrate their loved one’s memory. Doing something to honor the life of the person they lost often feels supportive on the anniversary of a death.[3] Ask if they have anything in mind or suggest a few ideas of your own. Offer to do something that their loved one enjoyed.
    • “How can I help celebrate Deon’s life?”
    • “Would you mind if I light a candle in remembrance?”
    • “I’d like to make a donation to Wesley’s favorite charity, if that’s okay.”
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4

“Tell me more about Talia.”

  1. Give them the chance to talk about their loved one. Ask about the times they spent together or share your own memories of the person that they lost. Rather than offering advice or platitudes, just sit and listen. You could also share your own memories of the person. Don’t be afraid to say their name, either.
    • “What’s your favorite memory of Viktor?”
    • “I’ll never forget when your mom helped us make that giant cake for Coen’s birthday. It looked like a bakery exploded in your kitchen.”
    • “Aunt Alani would be so proud of you for following in her footsteps. She always knew you’d make a wonderful nurse.”
5

“Can I bring you lunch or dinner?”

  1. Ask them what you can do to show your support. Your friend or family member might be overwhelmed with day-to-day tasks. Offer to take something off their plate so they can focus on honoring their loved one and processing their emotions. Try to suggest something specific, as people aren’t super likely to reach out after a general “Let me know how I can help” request.[4]
    • “Would it help if I picked up the kids from school?”
    • “Do you mind if drop off some groceries?”
    • “Is there anything I can do to make today easier for you?”
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"To live in the hearts of those we love is never to die.” – Hazel Gaynor

  1. Offer a quote if you’re at a loss for words. Don’t worry about coming up with the perfect thing to say. It is, after all, the thought that counts. Your friend or loved one will appreciate you reaching out and acknowledging what they’re going through. Feel free to borrow some words from a famous (or even anonymous) author. Just choose something that feels right to you.
    • “Say not in grief that they are gone, but give thanks that they were yours.” — Hebrew Proverb
    • “Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality.” — Emily Dickinson
    • “Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us every day. Unseen, unheard, but always near; still loved, still missed and very dear.” – Anonymous
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Expert Q&A

  • Question
    How can I be supportive on a death anniversary?
    Kateri Berasi, PsyD
    Kateri Berasi, PsyD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Kateri Berasi is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Founder of Transcendent Self, PLLC, a group therapy practice offering affirmative, collaborative, and intentional care, based in Brooklyn, New York. With over ten years of experience in the mental health field, Dr. Berasi specializes in working with adults from the LGBTQIA+ community and creative industries through individual therapy, couples counseling, group therapy, and costume therapy. She holds a BA in Psychology, Art History, and French Language and Literature from George Washington University and an MA and MEd in Mental Health Counseling from Columbia University. Dr. Berasi also holds a PsyD in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University.
    Kateri Berasi, PsyD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    It might be helpful to engage in a ritual such as visiting the deceased person's grave or by going to places that the deceased person used to love. It's ultimately up to the grieving individual and what kind of support they'd prefer, though.
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Warnings

  • Try not to say things like “It’s God’s will,” “She’s in a better place,” “Everything happens for a reason,” or “It’s for the best.”
    ⧼thumbs_response⧽
  • Even if you have good intentions, avoid telling the person you know how they feel or comparing their experience to yours or someone else’s.
    ⧼thumbs_response⧽
  • Steer clear of any personal or intrusive questions about the person who passed or their estate.
    ⧼thumbs_response⧽
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About This Article

Kateri Berasi, PsyD
Written by:
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
This article was written by Kateri Berasi, PsyD and by wikiHow staff writer, Sophia Latorre. Dr. Kateri Berasi is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Founder of Transcendent Self, PLLC, a group therapy practice offering affirmative, collaborative, and intentional care, based in Brooklyn, New York. With over ten years of experience in the mental health field, Dr. Berasi specializes in working with adults from the LGBTQIA+ community and creative industries through individual therapy, couples counseling, group therapy, and costume therapy. She holds a BA in Psychology, Art History, and French Language and Literature from George Washington University and an MA and MEd in Mental Health Counseling from Columbia University. Dr. Berasi also holds a PsyD in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University. This article has been viewed 12,257 times.
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Co-authors: 4
Updated: February 26, 2023
Views: 12,257
Categories: Death
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