Why Is My Girlfriend So Jealous and Insecure? 11 Explanations and Solutions

Co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and Jennifer Mueller, JD

Last Updated: July 6, 2022 References

You and your girlfriend deserve to have a healthy and happy relationship. If she's jealous and insecure, you might feel like that's not possible, but it is. Showing her that you want to work on this problem together instead of putting it all on her will go a long way. Here, we've gathered some of the biggest reasons for jealousy and insecurity and what you can do to address them.

1

She hasn't had the opportunity to talk about her feelings.

Listen to her actively and validate her feelings.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.} If you think her jealousy is unwarranted, it's easy to dismiss her feelings or tell her she doesn't have anything to worry about. Sit down and let her walk you through her thought process. It will probably make her feel better (and trust you more) if she knows that you're listening to her and accepting her feelings.^{[2]
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- If you've done anything that's triggered these feelings, you might apologize for having done that. Your apology doesn't mean that you've done something wrong, but it does acknowledge that you've caused her pain.
- Validating her feelings doesn't mean agreeing with her.^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.} It could be as simple as repeating back what she said so that she knows you understand her feelings. For example, you might say, "I understand that you get jealous when I go out with my co-workers without you."^{[4]
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2

You need to set boundaries as a couple.

She'll feel more secure if you talk about what's appropriate. Sometimes, someone who's jealous or insecure will invade your privacy by snooping through your things or reading your texts or emails. She also might demand to know where you are all the time and get angry if you don't respond to her texts immediately. Setting boundaries for her behavior and yours allows the two of you to work towards building trust.^{[5]
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- For example, if she gets anxious unless she knows where you are at all hours of the day, you might share with her a copy of your schedule. You might also agree to text her any time you're traveling to let her know that you reached your destination safely.
- Talk openly about the reasons that she engages in jealous behaviors so that you can come up with solutions together. A couples counselor or therapist can help you with this if you don't feel comfortable doing it by yourself.

3

You haven't always been completely honest with her.

Be more open with her so she doesn't feel that you're hiding anything.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.} If you've lied to her or hidden anything from her in the past (innocent or not), it might be difficult for her to trust you. This lack of trust can lead her to feelings of jealousy and insecurity in your relationship.^{[7]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source}
- Acknowledge that you haven't been honest in the past, rather than trying to diminish it. Tell her you understand how it might be difficult for her to trust you and ask for things you can do that would increase her trust in you.
- Being dependable and reliable is one way to build trust. For example, if you tell her you're going to meet her at 10:00 a.m., be there a little early. If she knows she can depend on you to do what you say, she'll start to trust you a little more.

4

She doesn't know your friends or family.

Introduce her as your girlfriend and hang out with them. Jealousy and insecurity can stem from a fear of the unknown. If you give her the chance to meet everyone, she'll see how you interact and be more familiar with them. When you go out with them without her, she won't be as worried because she feels like she knows them too.^{[8]
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- This doesn't mean that she needs to instantly become best friends with all of your friends. But if she hangs out with them occasionally and feels comfortable around them, she'll be much less likely to think something's going on.
- Another part of this is that if she doesn't know your friends or family, she might feel as though you're ashamed of her or don't think she's good enough for them. Introducing her and letting them hang out together proves to her pretty quickly that you don't think that way. It also makes her feel more a part of your life.

5

You ignore her when you're out with your friends.

Invite her out and text occasionally when she's not around. It's healthy for the two of you to have your own interests and friends, but she might get suspicious if you've literally never even asked her to come hang out with certain friends of yours. Fortunately, this issue's pretty easy to address—just ask her once in a while! Even if she says "no," she'll appreciate being asked and it won't seem like you're keeping something (or someone) from her.^{[9]
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- Introduce her to your friends as your girlfriend and say something nice about her or mention why she's there. For example, if you're going out bowling with your buddies, you might bring her along. You could say, "Hey guys, this is my girlfriend, Julia—she won a bowling trophy when she was 12 and she's really excited to show us how terrible we all are."
- If you didn't take her with you, shoot her a text at some point. For example, you might take a picture of a friend doing something goofy and say, "That's Roger for ya—he'll do anything for a laugh!"
- The point of sending a text is not to "check in," but to help her feel as though she's involved and a part of what's going on, even though she's not there.

6

You're not making the relationship a priority.

Schedule date nights and spend more quality time together.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.} When you don't make the relationship a priority, she might start thinking that you no longer want to be with her or that you don't enjoy spending time with her. Nip this thinking in the bud by carving out a little time each day specifically for her.^{[11]
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- When you spend time together, put your phone away and give her (or whatever you're doing together) your undivided attention. She'll notice that and understand that you want to spend time with her.
- Little routines can also help show her how important the relationship is to you. For example, if you live together, you might start getting up a little earlier so the two of you can make and eat breakfast together.

7

You get defensive when she asks you questions.

Validate her feelings instead of defending yourself. If you get defensive, it might send her the message that she's right to be worried about you. But this can be hard not to do if she's making accusations that seem to come from left field. Just take a deep breath and calmly respond by validating her feelings and acknowledging that she's upset.^{[12]
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- For example, you might say, "I understand that I upset you when I didn't call to tell you I'd be running late. I'm sure you had a million things running through your head! I need to take your feelings more into consideration."
- Sometimes, a reassuring hug might help her feel better. Ask her if she wants you to hug her, then tell her that you love her and care for her.

8

She's been cheated on before.

Talk with her about what you're doing that's triggering her jealousy. In her past relationship, her ex did things that it turned out were related to their cheating. She figured that out and now, when you're doing the same thing, it looks (to her) like you're cheating. If you know what those triggers are, you can stop doing them—or at least be more conscious of them.^{[13]
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- For example, perhaps she tells you that her ex always went into another room to take phone calls. She later learned those calls were from the person they were cheating on her with. When you take calls in another room, she thinks you're cheating on her.
- You might have an innocent explanation, such as simply feeling uncomfortable talking on the phone when there's someone else in the room. But you can eliminate the trigger by telling or showing her who you're talking to. For example, when your phone rings, you might say, "Excuse me, this is my mom. I'm going to take it in the other room."

9

She's afraid that she's not good enough for you.

Show her that you're proud of her and your relationship. This feeling typically comes from low self-esteem generally. But big differences in education, status, or wealth can make it even worse. Showing her off and bragging about her publicly (or on social media) can help her see that you love her just as she is.^{[14]
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- For example, if you come from a wealthy family and she didn't, she might worry that you'll leave her for someone else who shares your background and privileges.
- Other factors come into play as well. For example, if you are of different races, she might feel insecure about that and worry that you'll leave her for someone of your own race with whom you have a shared life experience.
- If her issues stem from past relationships or trauma, she might want to talk to a therapist who can help her sort those things out.

10

She constantly compares herself to others.

Compliment things that are unique to her. Think about all the little things you love about your girlfriend—maybe even things she never really thinks about. When you compliment those things, you help her see you through your eyes and understand what you see in her and why you love her.^{[15]
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- For example, when she says another girl has prettier eyes than she does, you might say, "But her eyes don't sparkle the way yours do. Your eyes show what a thoughtful and caring person you are."
- People who tend to act on their jealousy also tend to be people who constantly compare themselves to others—and usually find that they come up short. If she always thinks others are prettier, cooler, or smarter, she's likely to wonder why you're with her when you could be with them.

11

She has a history of abuse or neglect.

Encourage her to talk to a therapist to work through past trauma. People who were abused or neglected as children often grow up expecting others in their lives to treat them the same way. Even if your relationship is wonderful, she might have a hard time trusting you because she's "waiting for the other shoe to drop" or she doesn't believe she deserves a loving relationship.^{[16]
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- Childhood abuse or neglect can lead to a more anxious attachment style, which also leads to more jealous behaviors.^{[17]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  PubMed Central
  Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
  Go to source} A therapist can help her talk through these issues in a productive way.
- Keep in mind that even though you love her and can listen as she talks through her problems, you're not her therapist—nor are you a substitute for one.
- If money is a problem, she might check into online or app-based services, which tend to be cheaper than live one-on-one therapy. Universities, nonprofits, and community organizations also offer affordable therapy options.