How to Avoid Growing Up to Be Like Your Mom

Co-authored by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Last Updated: January 14, 2023 References

Many people fear they will become like their parents, especially their mothers. In the midst of youthful rebellion, turning into your parent may be frustrating, if not frightening. No one can entirely avoid taking on some characteristics or traits of their parents. However, there are some steps you can take to reduce the transition and retain some sense of your old self.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Recognizing Your Mother's Behavior

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Be aware of your motivation. If you're afraid of growing up to be like your mother, there must be some reason why. It may be helpful to recognize your motivation, so that you know how to adapt your own behavior.
- Ask yourself, are you simply afraid of what is familiar? Or are you trying to avoid negative behaviors that your parents exhibited, such as neglect or violence?^{[1]
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- If you're afraid of what's familiar, you may be able to proceed on your own. However, if your concerns are trying to avoid negative behaviors, you may need to recruit the help of a qualified therapist.
- If you believe your mother wasn't a very good parent, maybe you're right. Research has indicated that poor parenting or dysfunctional parenting can have a dire effect upon an individual’s physical and psychological health. Understanding what poor parenting is will help you achieve positive and constructive parenting in the future.
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Examine your mother's characteristics. The first step to avoiding becoming like someone is to recognize what it is about that person you don't like.^{[2]
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Research source} It's not enough to just say that you don't want to be like someone. You'll need to determine the specific behaviors, characteristics, or parenting methods that you yourself hope to avoid.
- Make a list of your mother's characteristics or behaviors that you hope to avoid.^{[3]
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  Research source} Are you afraid that you'll become judgmental or argumentative? Give unwanted advice? What is your mother doing that you're afraid of doing in your own life?
- Recognize what triggers precede your mother's negative behavior. Think about what sets up your mother's undesirable behavior: is her behavior a reaction to the behavior of others around her?^{[4]
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3
Limit damaging contact with your mother. If you truly believe that your mother's behavior has a negative impact on your life, it may be best to limit your contact with her as much as possible when she is behaving negatively. If we are in the company of negative people, then overtime we will inherit many of those individual’s beliefs and perspectives of the world. If you still live at home, it may not be feasible to completely limit all contact, but if you are an adult and you want to avoid taking on negative behaviors your mother exhibits, you may want to try to avoid spending too much time together. Even as a child or adolescent who lives at home, you can limit/reduce your time spent directly together during periods when your mother is behaving negatively or inappropriately.^{[5]
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- If your mother says something that you know will start a fight, tell her you don't want to argue and leave the room. You can go for a walk, or just sit alone in your room until things cool down, but engaging with someone who is trying to provoke an argument will not be productive.
- Be aware that limiting or cutting off contact with a parent may be devastating to them. If you have an otherwise healthy and loving relationship with your mother, it's best to try to work things out with her. Limiting contact is best left for situations where a parent has a history of abusive or neglectful behavior.^{[6]
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- Set boundaries and refuse to budge from boundaries that are established on a healthy pursuit. Compromising your boundaries will indicate to others that you do not stand behind what you believe.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Taking Control of Your Behavior

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Be mindful of your own behavior. Once you've identified what characteristics you wish to avoid, you'll need to learn to police your own behavior. Think about how you typically react to the triggers that precede your mother's undesirable behavior. Are you able to detach yourself from the emotional response you're afraid of exhibiting? Or do you feel helpless and stuck in the behavior you've learned from your mother?^{[7]
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- If your mother is very judgmental, for example, it may be helpful to identify the moments in which you lapse into judgmental thinking or say judgmental things. Some of these moments may be easy to identify on your own, while others may require an outsider's input.
- Ask your friends or relatives to help you become more aware of how you react to the triggers you've identified. This may help you gain an awareness of behavior that you engage in without thinking.
2
Identify your own values. As much as you may want to think of yourself in terms of being unlike your mother, it's important to establish a firm set of positive values for yourself. Knowing what you believe in and hold important will help you determine the kind of person you'd like to be, which in turn may help shape the types of friendships and relationships you cultivate. To help you figure out your values, it may be helpful to reflect on:
- who you respect, and why
- what objects hold the most sentimental value to you, and why
- what times in your life felt the most rewarding or fulfilling
- what issues you would most like to resolve or address in your community, or in the world
- what social or cultural issues you feel the most passionately about, or talk about the most, and why those issues are important to you
3
Evaluate how you respond to conflict. Even though in an ideal world a parent would always be the parent and the child would always be the child, sometimes in reality a child must be the mature one. The most mature thing you can do to avoid arguments and defuse tension with your mother is to step back and assess how you respond to conflict. If, like many people, you have a reactive personality, you may need to work on changing your approach to conflict with difficult people.^{[8]
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- Reactive people tend to reach emotional conclusions very quickly. These individuals may feel completely out of control when it comes to emotional responses, because a reactive person's response and behavior are, essentially, determined by the other person.^{[9]
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- If you find yourself having an elevated pulse during verbal conflicts with your mother, or talking over her, or starting fights at the drop of a hat, you may be a reactive person.^{[10]
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- Distance yourself from the problem before you react. The biggest problem for reactive people is that they tend to respond immediately to conflict or the perceived initiation of conflict with an angry, emotional response. Give yourself a moment to breathe and consider what would be a positive, constructive response before you say or do anything.^{[11]
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- Learn to be mindful. Practicing mindfulness and mindful meditation can help you gain greater insight into the roots of your problems and find more constructive ways to deal with those problems.^{[12]
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Learn to avoid taking things personally. Whether your mother has a tendency to make things about herself that you are fearful of inheriting, or you simply want to stop taking the things your mother says or does to heart, learning to disengage from what's being said to you may help. It is not an easy, overnight transformation, but with time and effort you can learn to let go of the resentment and personal frustration you feel in response to your mother.^{[13]
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- Step out of your perspective. It can be difficult at times to imagine a situation from someone else's perspective, but it's an important part of distancing yourself from frustrating or damaging behavior. If your mother's behavior is getting on your nerves, or if you worry you'll end up behaving like your mother, try to see things from your mother's perspective. For example, do you really believe she is engaging in over-protective behavior to ruin your life, or is it her way of trying to show you she cares?^{[14]
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- Resist your intuitive reactions. Many people react emotionally without giving proper time to assess the situation or process what's been said. Rather than allowing yourself to respond immediately with an impassioned rebuttal, take a few seconds to process what you've heard or seen and what an appropriate, level-headed response might be.^{[15]
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- Avoid jumping to conclusions. If you're feeling insecure or frustrated with your mother, it can be easy to assume that anything you interpret as a criticism must actually be critical. However, it's possible that you're reading too much into things, or entirely personalizing something that wasn't meant to be directed at you. Even if your mother does say something critical or hurtful and it seems deliberate, the underlying cause is probably something very emotionally troubling to your mother that she hasn't figured out how to deal with.^{[16]
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Recognize your individuality. As much as you may fear growing up to be like your mom, you're still your own person. You may inevitably pick up certain behaviors or traits that you unconsciously learned from your mother, but ultimately, you are not the same person.^{[17]
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- Think about the things that make you a unique individual. Whether it's your taste in music, your hobbies, or your hopes and dreams, celebrate the things that make you who you are.^{[18]
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Consider seeing a therapist. If you feel completely helpless in identifying and changing your own behavior, consider talking to a qualified therapist. A therapist can help you work through behavioral issues and learn to respond in a more healthy, constructive way to situational triggers.
- Search online for therapists near you, or ask your primary care giver for a referral/recommendation.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Understanding Learned Behavior

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Consider your mother's parents. Think about whether your mother's undesirable behaviors are something she learned from her own parents. Many people pick up behaviors and characteristics from their parents. Just because you're aware of your mother's undesirable behavior, it doesn't necessarily mean that your mother is aware of her own behavior. It's entirely possible that she was taught to behave that way by her parents.^{[19]
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- Even though it's easy to blame your mother for her behavior, it may not be entirely her fault. If at all possible, try talking to your mother about the behavior you resent. You might learn more about your mother, and find that she herself regrets behaving the way she has.
- Remember that parents seldom have the experience or preparation that is needed to make all of the decisions of being a parent. For many, parenting is a trial-and-error experience. They are learning as they go and hopefully, they are improving as they grow.
- Ask your mother open-ended conversational questions. Try something like, "What was your relationship like with grandma/grandpa?" or "What were grandma/grandpa like as parents?"
2
Understand learned behavior. Many psychologists believe that, to some extent, it's impossible to completely avoid becoming like our parents. The best we can do is identify the negative traits we most resent, and work to become more aware of our own behavior.^{[20]
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- Some studies suggest that most people begin to act like their parents around the age of 32.^{[21]
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- The reason most people grow up to become like their parents is because our brains are wired to do so. During stressful situations, the neurons in the brain seek the most familiar paths, even if those paths are not what we would consciously like them to be.^{[22]
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3
Try to accept positive behaviors. If you resent your mother for certain undesirable behaviors, it's important to work towards avoiding those behaviors in your own life. However, there's a good chance that you may have inherited some positive behaviors or characteristics from your mother. As you grow older, it can help you come to accept the adult you've become if you learn to appreciate the good inherited behaviors your mother passed on to you.^{[23]
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Expert Q&A

Question

Is it normal to not want to be like your parents?

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Yes, it is normal. Perception is a funny thing, because everyone is equipped with their own unique set of beliefs and ideological viewpoints on parenting. If you perceive something as a negative behavior, then it is important to recognize how to reconcile this negative behavior in your own life, and it's normal to not replicate it. In extreme and intolerable cases, it's even normal and advisable to remove such unhealthy individuals from your life.

Warnings

Your mom may be offended that you don't want to be just like her. If you decide to tell her, be conscious of her feelings.

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